[lauralsxx]

hello im new here and to be fair im in a state so thought id seek advice i love my husband to bits but im so jealous and paranoid about his ex wife i am constantly thinking he is gonna leave me i am nasty to him always snapping at him causing a row when he goes to pick his daughter up i just think im not good enough. well he left me!i was a wreck cried alot got drunk bombarded him with texts. well he did come back but he has said i have to change so please help me as im going crazy i dont want to lose him

 

[Caribbean Man]

hello im new here and to be fair im in a state so thought id seek advice i love my husband to bits but im so jealous and paranoid about his ex wife i am constantly thinking he is gonna leave me i am nasty to him always snapping at him causing a row when he goes to pick his daughter up i just think im not good enough. well he left me!i was a wreck cried alot got drunk bombarded him with texts. well he did come back but he has said i have to change so please help me as im going crazy i dont want to lose him

Hi Laura,
I understand your perspective.
You feel a lot of negative emotions like, jealousy, insecurity and so on.
But I think your husband should help you work on this too, maybe he does, but you find it hard to let go.
Both of you need to sit and maybe come up with some sort of compromise.
Also some counselling. individual and couple's might help.
But you need to stop letting jealousy get the better of you.
I assume your husband loves you, because he came back....

 

[canttrustu]

Also, If it will alleviate some of the stress for now, can you go with him to pick up the kids?

 

[Dollystanford]

how old are you if you don't mind me asking?

You have a boyfriend who has a past - that's life and you have to deal with it. He has a child with this woman, they have a connection however they might feel about each other as adults. He's not with her though is he, he's with you

How long has it been since they split?

 

[lauralsxx]

im 42 but i was in a abusive relationship for 15 years and this is how i have been since that. im starting counseling. my husband loves me to bits and i do him but he says i hurt him every time i accuse him of things i know i have issues and him leaving near on finished me off i was so upset maybe thats what i needed. but how do istop the nasty comments leaving my mouth.

 

[In_The_Wind]

Duct Tape maybe ??? Just kidding might try writing them versus verbalizing them to him that way you get it out but with less damage to your relationship

 

[MaritimeGuy]

im 42 but i was in a abusive relationship for 15 years and this is how i have been since that. im starting counseling. my husband loves me to bits and i do him but he says i hurt him every time i accuse him of things i know i have issues and him leaving near on finished me off i was so upset maybe thats what i needed. but how do istop the nasty comments leaving my mouth.

You do hurt him every time you accuse him of something. It's an attack on his integrity. If you don't get this under control your relationship won't last. What kind of man would he be if he stopped going to pick up his daughter to keep his new partner from getting jealous?

While I think he should be sensitive to your insecurity I believe it is your issue to solve. If you can't get past the fact he see's the ex when he picks up his daugher I would suggest you cut him loose and look for a man with less baggage.

 

[jessi]

lauralxxx,

stop feeling insecure and start controlling what you can.
you love each other you just feel insecure, you step up to the plate and fill your husn
bands emotional needs so well he wont even notice his xwife and when he does he will immediately see the difference between you and her, he divorced her for a reason, he married you for a reason.
you be everything he needs you to be, go in admitting you were wrong not trusting him, tell him you believe in him and your marriage then step up to the plate and fill all and any holes there could ever be, make him feel so secure and loved he wont notice any other woman ever again including his x.
i would make sure i was the one that was in his mind always.

 

[lauralsxx]

Thanks for advice
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[that_girl]

Awwww you sound a lot like me! (Well, there was no ex but I behaved like you, and H left me as well...and came back).

You MUST deal with your past abuse...I recommend therapy for trauma. This past will RUIN your future because you are still in 'defense mode' because it's all you've known. Was your childhood also abusive? Any abandonment issues from parents? I had a ton.

Learn to comfort the inner child who is still in defense mode and can't let you truly love and be loved. Are you always in a high state of anxiety and fear of rejection? Do you feel like you have to control everything and make everything perfect or else he'll leave or you'll be thought of as stupid or lame?

Yea. If so, we can talk more here or in PM. Therapy changed my life and saved my marriage. You will have to get to work on yourself. Dig deep and get uncomfortable. Once you face things, then you can move forward. It feels good to NOT be in such a high state of anxiety. I learned how to control it and that changed a ton too.

Best of luck, I know it's difficult. But you will be ok.

Biggest thing that helped me was: "You cannot change/control other people, you can only control/change yourself". It was my mantra for months. Whatever you FEEL like doing in that moment, do the OPPOSITE because our way is wrong.

 

[lauralsxx]

Yeah that sounds just like me I'm always expecting him to leave so I push and push and then I cry and act irrationally its horrible I know he loves me and he does nothing wrong but its like I am just waiting for him to leave I was abused in every way from the age of 17 till I was 32 and I'm still suffering now love to talk more x
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[that_girl]

Yea. Sounds just like how I was.

You have to do the 180 on yourself. lolol. I did that. My initial reaction would be to lash out, throw a fit, make a remark, etc....so I would do the opposite. NO more sarcasm. None.

Write down your reactions and then do the opposite. I can help if you like

You can only control yourself.

 

[that_girl]

With my anxiety, my therapist told me that we have 3 minutes....THREE....before the chemical consumes our body. When we feel the anxiety creepin' up, we have to talk ourselves down within 3 minutes or it will consume us and I don't know about you, but my brain would go WILD with made up stories and crazy shet!!. I still talk myself down sometimes. I tell myself the GOOD things in my life (at the time I would tell myself the GOOD things about my husband), and I would breathe. Deep breathing helps SO MUCH to calm anxiety. And I got good at killing my panic attacks before 3 minutes.

 

[that_girl]

And sit alone for a while and focus on that inner child who learned to protect. My inner child kept me from really opening up.

My whole life was being controlled by a child. My therapist said I coped with life through a child's eyes because that's all I knew and that's all that worked when i was a child. Children run, they push away, they ignore because it WORKS for a child. Adults don't do this...they communicate, they confront, they accept.

It was hard and scary, but I finally comforted her and I no longer have the urge to run when things get rough. My husband was also run by his inner child.....who learned to run run run as a child...to protect. He also squashed this and we are much better for it.

 

[lauralsxx]

And sit alone for a while and focus on that inner child who learned to protect. My inner child kept me from really opening up.

My whole life was being controlled by a child. My therapist said I coped with life through a child's eyes because that's all I knew and that's all that worked when i was a child. Children run, they push away, they ignore because it WORKS for a child. Adults don't do this...they communicate, they confront, they accept.

It was hard and scary, but I finally comforted her and I no longer have the urge to run when things get rough. My husband was also run by his inner child.....who learned to run run run as a child...to protect. He also squashed this and we are much better for it.

God are we twins I do exactly the same as u have describe I have my first session at counciling on Friday x
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[that_girl]

Oh I'm glad to hear you have therapy! You will be ok.

you want to change, so it will happen.

First thing, just do the opposite of your initial reaction. Retrain yourself. I did and it really did wonders.

It just takes a ton of self awareness. I had to really focus on my behavior and ask if I was just 'protecting' myself or if I was really angry/irritated/etc. Turns out, I was just 'protecting' myself. I put protecting in quotes because I had NO reason to protect myself from my husband. He's a good man.

 

[lauralsxx]

Yeah my husband is a good man to and he doesn't deserve the way I am all he has ever done is supported me but I always feel I'm not good enough and it' consumes me till I explode and I have said some awful things I hope I can change or I will end up alone. Even talking on here has made me feel better I know he would never hurt me when I'm thinking straight but when I blow my way of thinking just goes into over drive
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[that_girl]

Which is why I say to just stop, breathe and do the opposite reaction. You can do it.