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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Decided to see if there’s anyone I can relate to or give me an unbiased look at my life and if I am overreacting or have a right to feel how I do. Very long so bear with me.

I met my husband 10 years ago while at work. We worked together briefly and then I didn’t see him, Because it was a seasonal thing. So I decided to look him up on Facebook and see if he was interested. We hit it off immediately and were inseparable from then on. After a short time dating I started staying with him. He lived in an old farm house owned by his family who still managed the farm. They constantly said toxic things about me and made it clear they didn’t want me there. He always said he stuck up for me but I never saw it in person. We stayed together, and got married and bought a house. He got a full time job driving for a big name package delivery company and I stayed home.

He cut ties with his family because their toxicity was too much. They eventually said hurtful things about our daughter and so I was the one that cut them off. He avoided any kind of confrontation with them. We had another baby and he became the union steward for his center, and has become even more busy than he already was. He leaves for work around 745am and gets home around the same time at night.

I tend to everything at home, aside from the vehicle maintenance.

By the time he gets home, we eat, the girls get cleaned up and into bed. Until recently, after an ugly argument, I was always the one putting them to bed. He’d fall asleep on the couch before I got downstairs and hadn’t even showered or changed from work. He also drinks every single night.

If I try to wake him, he gets ****ty and doesn’t want to be bothered so I just go up to bed alone.

We only have sex if I initiate it. And if it goes for a while he will make smart comments about the lack of intimacy. He brings home a lot of emotional baggage that is constantly dumped on me. He used to sit in the driveway on the phone with work before I said he needed to leave it at the door because he was constantly consumed with his job and the problems that go with it. I felt invisible. I don’t have very close friends. I’d look forward to seeing him and I’d spend it either watching him sleep or sitting there drunk. He slowly started to become confrontational after a few beers. Not physical, just every comment is sarcastic and he’s said he hates me twice after a few beers. If the girls are too wound up he constantly says how he can’t wait to get back to work.

I’ve asked for flowers or something thoughtful on his way home and his excuse is he’s always too tired, but he’s never too tired to stop at the liquor store.

He works. Comes home and gives time to the girls and then he’s empty. I understand I can’t be first but I’d like to not always be last on his list.

We argue about it a lot, and I feel like I’m not asking for much. Just to feel noticed, or like I matter. He says he cares but his actions show differently. It’s only happened after he’s drank, but I don’t see how his negative feelings can come out of him so easily, yet it’s so difficult for him to say anything about how much he cares about me.

He’s never cheated. He works hard, and I get the my chance to be able to raise my girls myself, but I feel completely invisible sometimes.

I don’t know if I’m being selfish for wanting more from my life.
 

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I don't blame you for not being happy in this situation.

It sounds like he isn't happy and is using drinking, hostility and workaholism to avoid dealing w/ whatever is wrong. These never work, but are standard go-tos anyway. OTOH you express yourself pretty well, so maybe you can get him into some constructive habits. The funny thing is that he is trying to avoid dealing w/ his ****, but if you get him to he will be better off.

As much as you have a right to be angry, acting that way won't help you. Try to address the things that need to change and to stay constructive. You might want to start w/ asking(calmly) if he meant it when he said he hates you.

If he says no, say thanks but that it was upsetting to hear and the fact that he'd say that is a sign something else is wrong and it has to get fixed.

If he denies it or denies remembering it, point out that forgetting such an important thing is a sign something is wrong. Alcohol isn't an excuse, and if it's causing him to say stuff like that or forget saying it, is just another thing that would have to get fixed.

Of course a counselor would be a help, and if he'll go, then do. You'll probably get advice to bail out, and I don't blame you if you do. I'm sorry this has happened and wish you luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited by Moderator)
I appreciate the answer. When I did bring it up, he said he didn’t mean it and doesn’t feel that way. However, to hear something so negative more than once..as well as him saying things about wishing to be back at work and getting no kind of positive affirmation, I have a hard time believing it was a drunken mistake.

I mentioned maybe he had a problem and needed to stop and he said he admitted he does, but the only way he is going to stop is to check himself into an inpatient facility and quit his job. Then asks if that’s what I really want him to do, and Am I sure I want to make the decision to cut our income off for him to do that. I’ve always said no, but it got to the point that I finally said yes, and called him on his bs, and he said he won’t walk away from his job.

I feel like just because I don’t punch a clock doesn’t mean I’m not putting in my part. I feel myself becoming indifferent and that’s not what I want.

I appreciate the ability to talk about this candidly, even to a complete stranger.
 

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When your husband brought up in inpatient facility, was he talking about as a way to quit drinking? It sounds to me like he has become an alcoholic. There are ways that he can break the habit without going to an inpatient facility.

I don't blame you at all for the way you feel about all this. Your marriage is going down hill. It's a bad situation for your children to be in. This is the example being set for them for what they can expect when they are adults. Not good.

You need to become proactive to change this situation since you are the one who seems to have your wits about you. There are some good books I'm going to suggest for you. Read them in the order listed below:

"Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis - When you read this book, pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment. This is what you need to do and the book gives some good ideas.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" . These books are by Dr. Harley. The purpose of these books is to help you learn what you can expect in a good marriage and how to restructure your relationship so that you build a strong, passionate relationship and maintain it. Read these two books and do the work that they say to do. Then, once your marriage starts getting better, ask your husband to read them with you can the both of you do the work together.

Also, if he keeps drinking like he is, there is another book... "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Yea, that's a lot of reading. But they are quick reads and will do you a world of good. Also, if you feel up to it you can hang out here on TAM and we can all help you through this.

Put a time limit on how long you are willing to work on this... say 6 months. Then evaluate how things are going. If they are getting better, then give it another 6 months, and so forth. This is so that you don't spend years trying to fix this with nothing really getting better.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Yes. He said he realized he has a problem but the only way he can/will stop is to go somewhere that he would be in an inpatient facility. in a way it seems like a test almost to call my bluff. He doesn’t feel as if he has a problem. He says that 2-3 beers at night is not a problem. It’s that he is tired from work. And genuinely feels like he deserves to unwind from a **** job by having a drink or 2. He also says he only drinks beer as a beverage, not as like a tool.
Sometimes I feel like the bad guy cause I become frustrated with it and can’t just snap out of it. He will want to just go on like normal and I harbor resentment and feel like nothing gets resolved. So I carry it and in time we just get back to a normal spot but it always circles.
 

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Alcoholic's never think they have a problem, because he just wants to unwind means he is using it as a tool of medication. If he didn't need medication he wouldn't need the beers.
 

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I appreciate the answer. When I did bring it up, he said he didn’t mean it and doesn’t feel that way. However, to hear something so negative more than once..as well as him saying things about wishing to be back at work and getting no kind of positive affirmation, I have a hard time believing it was a drunken mistake.
Can you record him (phone or VAR) and play it back to him when he ISN'T drinking? Let him hear how he REALLY sounds and ask him if that sounds like he doesn't mean it. YOU should not have to put up with him saying these things, as he is saying this stuff to stop YOU from discussing your items. He just wants you to stop talking so that he doesn't have to think about the issues, and attacking you is his method to do that.

I mentioned maybe he had a problem and needed to stop and he said he admitted he does, but the only way he is going to stop is to check himself into an inpatient facility and quit his job. Then asks if that’s what I really want him to do, and Am I sure I want to make the decision to cut our income off for him to do that. I’ve always said no, but it got to the point that I finally said yes, and called him on his bs, and he said he won’t walk away from his job.Yes because him going to stop drinking was again just trying to manipulate you.

I feel like just because I don’t punch a clock doesn’t mean I’m not putting in my part. I feel myself becoming indifferent and that’s not what I want.

I appreciate the ability to talk about this candidly, even to a complete stranger.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
It’d would be a bit hard to since it happens in the moment and things seem to be said quickly but I could try if I sense he’s in a mood.
I said I felt that the work seems to always be done by me. If I tell him he makes me feel bad, he wants me to give him step by step what he should be doing. I believe that if the positive feelings are there, they will happen without effort. They don’t need to be listed as a to do list on what he should say, or do.
It feels a bit one sided at times. I pursued him when we met. When we had trouble with his family, I was the one who put my foot down. He followed suit after I did the initial part. I initiate any intimacy. He says it’s cause I reject him and I’m always so negative so he doesn’t feel like being affectionate. I admit I can be a witch. But I dont know quite how to get my point across since I’ve explained all this to him already, many times.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I also want to say the girls don’t see any of this. They adore him and he’s a good dad. I also understand just how beat down his employer can make him. I worked there myself, and they are one of the worst as far as how they treat their employees.
It also takes so much of his time, and any time off is spent with us, because he sees them so little during the week. So, I know he needs an outlet but hobbies are hard with so little time to enjoy them. I feel for his situation, but I also feel like at the same time I don’t deserve to be at the end of the stick either.
 

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I appreciate the answer. When I did bring it up, he said he didn’t mean it and doesn’t feel that way. However, to hear something so negative more than once..as well as him saying things about wishing to be back at work and getting no kind of positive affirmation, I have a hard time believing it was a drunken mistake.

I mentioned maybe he had a problem and needed to stop and he said he admitted he does, but the only way he is going to stop is to check himself into an inpatient facility and quit his job. Then asks if that’s what I really want him to do, and Am I sure I want to make the decision to cut our income off for him to do that. I’ve always said no, but it got to the point that I finally said yes, and called him on his bs, and he said he won’t walk away from his job.

I feel like just because I don’t punch a clock doesn’t mean I’m not putting in my part. I feel myself becoming indifferent and that’s not what I want.

I appreciate the ability to talk about this candidly, even to a complete stranger.
I think he's unhappy about one or more things and feels like drinking is a manly way to deal with it. Of course it isn't manly, and it isn't even dealing with it.

It's encouraging the two of you are talking. Some things you can ask him next, "What are you so unhappy about?" If he doesn't want to talk about that, point out he drinks every night, says he hates you and gives you no quality time and it isn't fair you have to suffer for whatever it is.

If he mentions his job, tell him what you told us- you think it is a crappy place to work, so why not let you be on his side?

You might even want to ask "Do you want a divorce?" That would show him you're mature enough to talk about whatever the issue is and maybe he'd learn from your example.

You can also ask him what he thinks your life is like. I suspect he'll say "Awesome, you don't have to go to work!" but you can then point out that one of the only adults in your life shows you know love and seems to be self-destructing.
 

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It’d would be a bit hard to since it happens in the moment and things seem to be said quickly but I could try if I sense he’s in a mood.
I said I felt that the work seems to always be done by me. If I tell him he makes me feel bad, he wants me to give him step by step what he should be doing. I believe that if the positive feelings are there, they will happen without effort. They don’t need to be listed as a to do list on what he should say, or do.
It feels a bit one sided at times. I pursued him when we met. When we had trouble with his family, I was the one who put my foot down. He followed suit after I did the initial part.
It's one thing for you to have no contact w/ his family, given how you said they treated you. But if he wants to go see them, you shouldn't be interfering w/ that.
I initiate any intimacy. He says it’s cause I reject him and I’m always so negative so he doesn’t feel like being affectionate. I admit I can be a witch. But I dont know quite how to get my point across since I’ve explained all this to him already, many times.
Well if you've been negative about rejecting his advances then you own this problem and you're going to have to fix it. That will involve an apology, but has to also include a realistic way of making sure it doesn't happen again. Counselling is an option here, for both of you or just you.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
@SpinyNorman
I have tried being his safe space, because I can relate to what hell that job is, and he’s admitted that’s part of why it’s so easy for him to use me as kind of like a dumping ground for his stress. But, I was constantly absorbing all his negativity and frustration and it got to be really overwhelming for me. So, he stopped talking about it and kept it to himself.

As for the family, I may have said that wrong or didn’t elaborate enough. We still maintain contact with his extended family, and grandparents. I offered to go with him if he ever wanted to visit his dad, etc. but, we have no contact with his dad mom or siblings. His mother had always had a problem with me, but then made comments about the baby so that’s when I said I had enough. His dad kind of just follows what his mom says. He is in agreement with maintaining no contact. I would never make him choose between us or box him into a situation he didn’t want to be in.
His parents were very controlling and manipulative and once he realized just how damaging they were, he made the choice to remove them. He’s said he would be willing to have a relationship with them if he could get an apology but they don’t have intentions of doing that.

As far as the intimacy goes, he initiated in the beginning, but in ways that weren’t appealing. He admitted before it’s just habit and easier to let me do it cause then he knows I want to.
@MattMatt- at the moment, I think he’s trapped. He’s the only income, and that’s also where the health benefits come from. It’d be hard to find a job that would pay him what he gets now. I have offered to get a job and he get one with les pay, but he doesn’t want to walk away from his for less money. I completely understand he feels trapped. He feel a tremendous responsibility to provide and be the sole person supporting us.

I’m sorry I can’t figure out this quote thing or how to respond individually, so I hope it’s not confusing!
 

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@SpinyNorman
I have tried being his safe space, because I can relate to what hell that job is, and he’s admitted that’s part of why it’s so easy for him to use me as kind of like a dumping ground for his stress. But, I was constantly absorbing all his negativity and frustration and it got to be really overwhelming for me. So, he stopped talking about it and kept it to himself.
Can he learn to vent in ways that aren't so hard for you? Maybe now and then he gets to blow up about the place, but the rest of the time he says things in a way that aren't so hard to listen to.
As for the family, I may have said that wrong or didn’t elaborate enough. We still maintain contact with his extended family, and grandparents. I offered to go with him if he ever wanted to visit his dad, etc. but, we have no contact with his dad mom or siblings. His mother had always had a problem with me, but then made comments about the baby so that’s when I said I had enough. His dad kind of just follows what his mom says. He is in agreement with maintaining no contact. I would never make him choose between us or box him into a situation he didn’t want to be in.
His parents were very controlling and manipulative and once he realized just how damaging they were, he made the choice to remove them. He’s said he would be willing to have a relationship with them if he could get an apology but they don’t have intentions of doing that.
Thanks for explaining, sounds like you are on the same page.
As far as the intimacy goes, he initiated in the beginning, but in ways that weren’t appealing. He admitted before it’s just habit and easier to let me do it cause then he knows I want to.
Some people are ok w/ one person always initiating, but it sounds like you aren't. So let him know you're open to him initiating, but tell him(Very nicely!) what it was that made his advances unappealing before. If you wish you'd been nicer about it before, apologize now. Don't use pressure and be a little patient. Also, once you do that, if he does ask nicely you can't be negative about it.
 

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I said I felt that the work seems to always be done by me. If I tell him he makes me feel bad, he wants me to give him step by step what he should be doing. I believe that if the positive feelings are there, they will happen without effort. They don’t need to be listed as a to do list on what he should say, or do.
So, A) TELL HIM step by step. Most of us men are just plain STUPID when it comes to relationships and women. B) NO NOTHING in a marriage happens without effort. It just doesn't "happen". EVERYTHING takes work -- you both have to work at it. After a while if you get the communications down really well, it may SEEM like it takes no work, but that isn't true. HE doesn't think like you and YOU don't think like him -- you both really do need to work at it (note I say BOTH OF YOU need to work at it -- it cannot be one sided).
It feels a bit one sided at times. I pursued him when we met. When we had trouble with his family, I was the one who put my foot down. He followed suit after I did the initial part. I initiate any intimacy. He says it’s cause I reject him and I’m always so negative so he doesn’t feel like being affectionate. I admit I can be a witch. So, STOP being a witch, tell him you would like him to try to initiate some times (AND WHEN HE DOES, really try to NOT reject him. That being said, if he picks a day where you have pulled your hair out with the kids/house/etc. and you REALLY DO NOT want to, tell him CLEARLY why, and suggest and alternate night (AND STICK TO IT!) But I dont know quite how to get my point across since I’ve explained all this to him already, many times.
 

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Limited options for employment are as normal as all things considered. But l know just how important health insurance is , but is no reason for absolute unhappiness.

If he and you can only imagine what life would be without it , then count you family gifted. Not that he doesn't earn it or pays dearly but because it helps the family. Time to quit babying him and let him know that without his endurance there would only another obstacle in it's place.

Tell him to love you and child, that his contribution to the family is never taken for granted.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I am very grateful for all the input and advice. It helps a lot to hear that I’m not going crazy and I am justified in some of my feelings.
I understand marriages take work and we are still in the beginnings, really. I also appreciate the honest opinions from each of you. This is such a great group to have joined and I hope to keep in it and maybe even offer my own advice if I can.
 

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This is fodder for a good, thoroughly tested marriage counselor!

Without actually employing one, there may little to no real help left!

That would be my suggestion!
 
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