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Discussion Starter #1
I am a disabled veteran and been married since 2006(we met in 1999). Just here to try and find answers to some martial problems.
 

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Welcome, come aboard. Share what you can.
 

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I have been with my wife since 1999(I am 50 and shes 42) and always have been there for her no matter what happens. A few years after we met and planned to be married she came to me crying saying I was going to leave her because she had about 55k of debt from a previous boyfriend.

We ended up working it out so that I would pay her half of the mortgage and she would pay the debt off. It took about 5-6 years. That was about 9 years ago.

Recently she went and bought a can-am against my wishes and has been distant. Well, she was distant before that but its even more now. She stopped teaching a Saturday class to young children(her choice and I supported her) and leaves for road trips sometimes lasting all day. Since she got this bike a few months ago her focus has been on when the next ride is.

I am not perfect but I always strive to make a great home for my family and ensure they are always taken care of. All of the home repairs over the years were paid for by me and if I asked her to help she would say "I didnt ask for this house, I hate the fu**in thing". But yet she is the one that when we were looking to buy said over and over "its a dream and perfect for our family!". If she does do something small for the house its only because I have gotten upset(over a long period of time) and she doesn't want to hear it.

A few years ago I found dave ramsey online and started to follow his suggestions to be debt free. During that time I talked to my wife and tried to get her onboard but she just blew it off and would say "dont worry about my bills". She also refused to sit down and go over them with me.

My focus then turned to me paying off my bills and now the only real debt I have is our mortgage.

Recently she has been buying various things for her bike and I asked how shes paying for all of it and her usual reply was "dont worry about it". Or she would get angry and deflect it back to me like it was my fault.

Last night I confronted her and there was a big blow out. At this point I was tired of dealing with the lies and deception and asked how much did she owe etc. After her not wanting to answer I finally said if we dont get it straight then we will need to take separate directions in life. She got scared and said it was roughly $34k.

I was in shock and after thinking for a while said I wasn't sure what was going to happen between us and needed time to think. Here I am again in the same situation from the first time but really dont want to pay off those bills due to her negligence.

We have one son that is 13.

She has agreed to start paying the bills off but at that rate it will take her about 3-4 years and during that time I will have to foot the bill for everything else.

This whole thing has really destroyed our family and I am sitting her in disbelief.
 

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So are you saying she's 42, doesn't work, and has *pretty much never* really contributed financially to your life together because of huge debt she runs up (not related to buying anything towards your life together)?

I'm sorry, I don't have anything positive to say here, except that I would totally understand you terminating this relationship. I'm your age-ish and I absolutely would not live my life like this.
 

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MV, you didn't see the flags, and now she's got a new lease on her life. She's riding with another and see your child and you and excessive weight. Sell the bike take your son. And start new, that's not a marriage it's a stepping stone. Then give her what she really wants her freedom. Sorry bro. Until you put your foot down, she will not stop she shown you already 34.000.00 in more debt, nothing will fill her heart not even her child nor you.
 

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I would be more curious about these road trips and being gone all day without you or the kid. That seems weird.

Not that her spending massive amounts of money you guys don't have isn't an issue, but why that, why now, and why gone so much.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
She has a job, but when it comes to the home repairs or say if we eat out I am the one 98% of the time paying.
 

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If this were a man and his motorcycle we would be more accepting, some a tad forgiving.

Men buy expensive bikes all the time and put the family in serious hock. No, not a good thing.

If this is her hobby, so be it. It is a popular pastime.
Sad though, I see so many solitary men and a few women out there riding by themselves.

It is a thrilling adventure, though riding alone is definitely not as much fun.

She made some mistakes:

She did not tell you she was going to buy this. She knew you would say no, ah, hell no.
She put you in serious debt.
She could have bought a good, low mileage, and used three-wheeler. That would have made more sense.

She could have gotten a part time job and that would help lighten the financial load.

If she feels like a poor captive in your home, what way is that to live?

I truly get your situation and I get hers, except the sneaky part of her putting you in debt. All of us are selfish to some degree.
She has got a Masters Degree in selfishness.

Tell her to get another part time job if she wants to keep her toy!

I hope she is not riding around with those men sporting ape-hangers.



Lilith-
 

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I would be more curious about these road trips and being gone all day without you or the kid. That seems weird.

Not that her spending massive amounts of money you guys don't have isn't an issue, but why that, why now, and why gone so much.
Tasorundo, you did it, you are the first to let out the pooch. I hope she keeps to her own business.
 

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First off I LOVE your avatar! Couldn't stop smiling.

Second. I too have concerns about

1. going away all day without her family
2. her flip flop nature and distance about the house etc
3. her deceit and lying over her debt (I wonder, is $34K a conservative estimate? Did she lowball it so that you wouldn't freak out?)

I'm getting the impression that you are not being appreciated here, you may be just background noise.

As Dave Ramsey says "you throw EVERYTHING" at your debt.
The bike needs to be sold and other assets as well to snowball that debt.

I'm sorry but I don't think this is going to end well. Sounds like she's checked out, maybe seeing someone else and using you financially while blaming you for everything. I hope that you will respect yourself enough to stand up to her and say NO MORE.
 

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Lets visit this question...

Was she always interested in motorcycles?

Did her Ex BF, or other BF's ride?

Speaking of boyfriends, she likely did this to her last bf (put him in debt). He dumped her in the end. On her dead-broke end.
She sounds entitled.

Um, can we wonder what else went on then, and now...again.

Is she repeating her past?
Is she stuck in the past?

What is her past?
Over spending, not listening to reason?
Being determined and foolishly headstrong.

I would worry that she is riding around the hills and dales, through cornfields and downtown streets, looking for your replacement.

The thing is.....

She is now distant, more distant. She may have met the next deep-pocket sucker.
Sorry, for my choice of words. Damn.

You need to put a GPS device under her seat of that three-wheeler.
To make sure the perfumed two-legged rider is obeying the traffic laws and your marital rules.

If you want this marriage to last, you must protect it as well as you did Our Motherland.

Fight again, for what is right and proper.

In the end, if she cannot reform her delinquent behavior, she must then ride off into the sunset.....alone, without you.




KB-
 

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There is a whole lot more going on here besides her financial irresponsibility, and what is more, you know it.

Time to GET OUT NOW, and her debt is her debt. If she hates the house she can ****ing leave like today...

You HAVE to make a move NOW or you will regret it in a few months...

Just out of caution, you may want to check her cell phone bill.

But being married and telling you to **** off about "Her" bills, no way man, not cool, no how...
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Just wanted to answer a few things I read above from everyone. Also, thank you for taking the time to reply.

- I am certain she is not seeing anyone else as we use an app for the family that tracks everyone. During her road trips when she says shes going to a certain place, it shows that she went there. She also rides with older couples.

- Shes certainly not stuck in the home. Before this she did other hobbies and I have always been supportive of them. In fact, I am supportive of the bike, its just not the right time to purchase or have one.

- I am however concerned of her recent behaviors and like a previous poster had mentioned, I feel like background noise to her.

These mistakes are huge and like I mentioned last night to her, I am not sure I want to go through another few years of paying off her mistakes again.

This whole thing really breaks my heart as I am concerned for our son. Just really confused over this whole thing right now.
 

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You can never be sure anyone is "not" screwing around. That is foolish to think in the first place.

But the big thing is her attitude. How dare she?

Financial infidelity is a thing and she is engaged in it. And while you are married you may be responsible for what she incurs.

No this has to stop.

And do you think YOUR kid is the only one that might have divorced parents? Is he somehow not able to deal with life? Is that the person you have raised?

I don't think so... He will be fine. You have to protect yourself from her or you may work until you die...
 

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Talk to a lawyer. See if you can draw up a contract.

It should clearly stipulate that any debts incurred from this point forward by her without your consent are hers, and hers alone. Similarly, yours are yours alone. Separate all financial assets up to the legal limit possible while staying married.

That way, any further financial infidelity she does, she can be solely accountable for.

If it’s not legally possible to financially separate, perhaps even informally drawing a line, closing all shared accounts, etc would change her mind. What you need to stop is her incurring large debt that is half yours - this is extremely common when one person is already headed out the door. Why not spend money when you’re only accountable for 50% of it, or less.

You need to separate your assets and liabilities to the furthest extent possible now. You’re too close to retirement to **** around with this.
 

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MV,

You wrote, she came to me crying saying I was going to leave her because she had about 55k of debt from a previous boyfriend.

Was it really from an ex or was that a lie, a lie in the foundation of your marriage?

Was she always into bikes and riding or was this a sudden change in her personality?

The reason I ask is because your details sound alot like a relative of mines step daughter. She got tattoos, bought a motorcycle and leathers, started smoking. As it turned out it was all courtesy of her affair partner who the husband never knew about because he was home babysitting.

There is no safety in riding with "older couples" btw. For an older guy your W is a catch.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
MV,

You wrote, she came to me crying saying I was going to leave her because she had about 55k of debt from a previous boyfriend.

Was it really from an ex or was that a lie, a lie in the foundation of your marriage?

Was she always into bikes and riding or was this a sudden change in her personality?

The reason I ask is because your details sound alot like a relative of mines step daughter. She got tattoos, bought a motorcycle and leathers, started smoking. As it turned out it was all courtesy of her affair partner who the husband never knew about because he was home babysitting.

There is no safety in riding with "older couples" btw. For an older guy your W is a catch.
She has talked about having a can-am for a few years.

Yeah it was from her and her previous boyfriend because I saw receipts and statements etc.
 

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Just wanted to answer a few things I read above from everyone. Also, thank you for taking the time to reply.

- I am certain she is not seeing anyone else as we use an app for the family that tracks everyone. During her road trips when she says shes going to a certain place, it shows that she went there. She also rides with older couples.

- Shes certainly not stuck in the home. Before this she did other hobbies and I have always been supportive of them. In fact, I am supportive of the bike, its just not the right time to purchase or have one.

- I am however concerned of her recent behaviors and like a previous poster had mentioned, I feel like background noise to her.

These mistakes are huge and like I mentioned last night to her, I am not sure I want to go through another few years of paying off her mistakes again.

This whole thing really breaks my heart as I am concerned for our son. Just really confused over this whole thing right now.
So the bike doesn't have saddle bags, and she could leave the bike and phone at said location? Older couple or not makes no difference. Hum....
 
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