I’m trying so hard. It may be difficult on many levels, but I realized I deserve so much better in life. Yes it hurt, and I did not want to give up on our marriage, but the reality is that its over, and I must move on. Life is far too short and precious to be a victim. I cried many nights into my pillow and I could not sleep for the first few weeks. But now I’m moving on and building MY life again. AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF.
What I’ve written in my journal (to her but not said) over the last week:
Thank you for leaving me because I wasn’t capable of walking away.
It’s VERY hard to be here and I don’t apologize for that. It’s just how I feel. It’s not the boys it’s you. And it’s already destroyed what is left of our friendship.
I will let go more each day. Kept that to myself but kept repeating in my head.
My bride is gone - that’s going to be okay someday. And I’ll achieve happiness with my boys.
She is heartless, calculating, and rejoices in annihilating my soul and inflicting pain. She is NOT a friend. We can be a united front - an alliance of sorts - when it comes to raising the kids. That’s it. I just need to convince myself that if she has 50 opportunities to “twist the knife” she will do so 50 times.
I have spoken to a lawyer and that seems to help sever the niceties and I am finally feeling anger, which had been missing. It replaced pity but not the grief. The grief is overwhelming and I am using the wrong approach to cope. How can I still see her and miss her even after all she has done? Saw her this morning handing off the kids and I did what I did last time and quietly cried in the bathroom and washed my face.