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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi, Im new here. My name is Kayla, I'm 23 years old. Im married and have been married for almost 7 years now. We have 1 child he is 3 years old. We got married a year and 1/2 after we got together. i was 16 years old and he was (this is going to sound horrible) 20. We fell head over hills for each other. I had a rough life and he got to see first hand what I had to go through. My parents divorced and my father got married 3 weeks after their divorce was final and he moved off. and my mother wasnt far behind him, but before she got married she was with a different guy every week and then she got married and then divorced and married again and the husband at the time thought we were his slaves and baby sitter. when my husband asked me to marry him i instantly said yes and we was going to save up for a big wedding and for his job he works out of town, he got the call to go to work and wanted me to go with him and the only way for me to do that was for me to finish getting my GED and to get married and go with him. So thats what i did, we moved 6 hours away from home. at least for a bit anyways. we came home moved into our house and was living together pretty good. money got low and he told me that i had to leave, i tried to stay i told him that i was there through thick and thin and he made me leave anyways. i told him that if he made me leave that i wasnt coming back, he told me that he would be back when money got better. he came back and stupid me i didnt go back for 8 months. Finally when i went back we both had made mistakes and done things that we couldnt take back. And it continued from there. The last thing that i done was i was texting an old guy friend just because my husband quit showing me attention and my husband was talking to a girl at work and never told her that he was married. we have made our fair share of mistakes and now im so scared that our marriage is coming to an end because he cant forgive me. I forgave him, a long time ago and he said that he didnt know how to forgive, i know wrong is wrong but all i did was text, no pictures no meeting, no talking on the phone just text about my marriage and my life and his relationship and his life. he knew i was married. but my husband said that he didnt know how to forgive me and these past few years havent been so good. we dont talk he sleeps while im awake and wakes up when me and our son go to bed. He shows me no affection, attention, doesnt tell me he loves me like he means it. and you know what im at a loss for words now. i dont know what to say or do to make my marriage better and to work.

thats my life story.......and my marriage story...
 

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wow i guess i need to edit my post i actually got married at 16. why? i thought that I had found my soul mate. I was head over hills for this guy and he asked i said yes and then we got married.... been married almost 7 years. and we have a 3 almost 4 year old son together. and we have so many ups and downs its scaring me afraid im going to lose him or just my marriage is coming to an end.
 

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@kayway9414 It sounds to me like you married young in order to escape the chaos of life at home with your mother.

Have you seen a therapist or done any counseling? It sounds like you probably have some unresolved issues from childhood that have led you to make some poor life decisions. And now you're stuck in a bad marriage.

What kind of support system do you have right now?
 

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You can try counseling-- Individual/couples.. This can help both of you as to continue as a married couple or to possibly divorce. If you chose to divorce you are still very young to get you life together and find love again. But try therapy and see if both of you are willing to forgive.
 

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i dont have much of a support system. we did marry young and it has its ups and downs but i do love my husband very much. just wish that my marriage was good not like this.
 

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i have forgave him, its hard to forget what has happened. i will never forgive myself for what ive done. it hurts because i know that we love each other if we didnt we wouldnt have came back to each other after what we have been through. he means the world to me, one thing that i did leave out is he is bipolar, i think he knows he is deep down but wont do anything about it, his mother and sister both have it and his mother taes medicine for it but his sister doesnt and neither does he. i wish that he would because i think that it would help him see a new perspective on life and it would help our marriage and our son.
 

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Only texting an old boyfriend shouldn't have been such a huge deal. In my opinion it sounds like he's using it as an excuse to treat you coldly


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The both of you need immediate counseling if this marriage has a scintilla of a chance of staying together!

And both of you had best be prepared to willingly take your lumps in the counselor's office!
 

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Hi kayway,

1) An age difference is not necessarily a bad thing. Four years is a small difference. That you were still a minor is a bit of an issue.

2) Getting married young is not a problem in itself. My oldest friend had a girl friend a middle school. They bought a house together while in high school and married very young. While they may the exception, they illustrate that age in not an intrinsic issue.
After more than 40 years, they are still happy together.

3) Infidelity is a serious issue. The act is given too much attention and the intent too little.
If your heart is in the wrong place, everything else will also be off.

Communicating with others is not a problem. I have friends of both genders and engage in activities with them. Sometimes things can look funny, but are OK (e.g. tomorrow I am going sailing with 4 women, all the guys were busy). For a long time I took the kids and a neighbor's wife and child on outings. It was a bit awkward, but I made sure that hubby had a chance to speak with me before going (he had a different schedule) and I assured him that everything was on the up and up. Years later I learned that he was jealous, but not of me - I was trusted.

Walking a fine line with someone you have history or feelings with is dangerous. If there is a question in your heart or mind about your intentions, get clear on that immediately. Walking on the slippery slopes is very dangerous.

4) Poor planning is a problem. We all make mistakes. But to chronically have issues, is concerning. Looking into that is a priority.

5) Coming and going is the most concerning things you mentioned. If someone gets an assignment overseas and is gone for a year, that is fine. If they feel that they can walk into and out of your life, that is not acceptable.

6) "money got low and he told me that i had to leave" - Sorry, this is an extinction sort of event. If someone tells you you have to go, you do. Not because they said so, but because the relationship is over. Going back is generally a very bad idea and will lead to a relationship revolving door.

7) It would be interesting to hear your husband's version of things. You probably did a fair job of representing him, but he probably can add to the dialog. Consider showing him the thread and having him post a response.


What sorts of commitments we make in life are personal choices.
Keeping those commitments is and important social contract, even if the commitment is made in private.

I'd suggest that you get clear on who you are and what you are about.

Make some personal commitments and stick to them.
Make small ones that are easy to keep and build on that success.

I'd look into what is motivating things.

We reinvent ourselves all the time. I would suggest that you consider your life from the perspective of today and reinvent yourself. Who do you want to be. How will your husband react to that person?

And listen for what people say, keep what has meaning for you then toss out the rest!
 

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he is bipolar, i think he knows he is deep down but wont do anything about it.
Kayla, it is important that you find out whether he has bipolar-1 (mood swings between depression and mania) or bipolar-2 (mood swings between depression and mild mania or normalcy). Your son is at risk of inheriting it. If so, onset is common between 18 and 30 but typically occurs about age 25.

Because you don't mention any mania occurring, you seem to be describing bipolar-2. If so, you should expect to see periods of strong depression occurring at the rate of once or twice a year. If the depressed period occurs as often as four times a year, it is called "rapid cycling." Significantly, bipolar-2 can be every bit as serious a problem as bipolar-1. Bipolar-2 is not labeled "2" because it is less serious but, rather, because it is different (i.e., the mania periods are very mild and may not even be noticeable).

During these depressed periods, your H likely will be very irritable, will want to sleep a lot (to avoid dealing with his unhappy life), and will frequently complain about how unhappy he is with you. That behavior almost certainly will occur no matter what you do.

These past few years haven't been so good.
Given that your H is 27, it is not surprising that your marriage started failing three years ago. As noted above, the onset of bipolar typically occurs at age 25.

I don't know what to say or do to make my marriage better and to work.
If your H is an untreated bipolar sufferer, there likely is nothing you can do to make your marriage better as long as he refuses treatment. Indeed, his behavior likely will get worse with age as long as he is untreated.
 
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