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Hi I am Claire and I have a few questions...


I am in a relationship for the past 12 years and have two kids. My partner goes through phases when he gets very controlling and shouts at me for everything. If I am sick he still shouts at me saying it's my fault. If I have to go out with the girls once in a blue moon (possibly once in six months! he would hang his face and say I am going out all the time (even if it's to work!) . There was a time when things were hitting rock bottom and we were arguing a lot. I was suicidal and social services etc were involved. Since that incident, my partner and I were not talking to each other or together for a good 6-7 months although we were in the same house. It was a very difficult time for me and during this time I got close to someone from work ( I was new there) and he was very comforting and wanted to know more about why I was sad and upset and I was dying to talk to someone. I have only been with my partner all my life. He said that he was going through something similar in his marriage and was only still married because of his kids. He would leave her when they are bigger and in the meantime he has given up trying and has fun and keeps himself happy. He was saying don't be sad, have fun and enjoy life you deserve to be happy etc., and we spent a lot of time talking and one thing led to another when he offered romance and fun and started looking at me and paying attention to me in a way that my partner never had. He was very passionate and I felt I was caught in a whirlwind and couldn't come out of it. After a few times that I spent with him I found that he was distancing himself, not talking to me as much and I was starting to become a nuisance if I chattered with him or he wouldn't respond for days and out of the blue would ask to meet up. My partner found out about this, one thing he said to me when he was being hurtful is that I will never find a man to love me and only a old man would want me. He was furious and jealous and wanted to work things out and said it really hurt him deeply and never expected this of me. We are going for couple counselling.


In the meantime I sent him a friend request on face book and found that he was a lovely husband and a doting father, buying his wife flowers, taking her out a lot or on holiday. I also found that he has physical relationships with a lot of girls he meets and he is good looking and very persuasive. He tells everyone that he has no relationship with his wife and I feel very used and betrayed. He seems like a really nice guy and wasn't expecting him to be blanking me after the way we were together. I feel like there is no one I can trust and mentally shattered. Please advice. Do I tell the wife who may be oblivious to all of this? My thoughts are along the lines of other young people who may be vulnerable can also be a target and he could be carrying STD's around and taking that home too. I have got myself checked. On the other hand I really like him and don't want to hurt him, his wife or the kids nor do I want to be the reason for a family to fall apart
 

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You will not be the reason his family falls apart although you may be the reason yours does! He is a player, wrote the cheater's handbook, has the MO down pat. He is now tired of you and ready to move on.

Perhaps you are ready to leave your reliable but controlling, forgiving partner and let him find someone who wants him. If you want marriage, work on it (12 years together but no commitment?), if not leave and continue to seek affirmation elsewhere.
 

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Hi I am Claire and I have a few questions...


I am in a relationship for the past 12 years and have two kids. My partner goes through phases when he gets very controlling and shouts at me for everything. If I am sick he still shouts at me saying it's my fault. If I have to go out with the girls once in a blue moon (possibly once in six months! he would hang his face and say I am going out all the time (even if it's to work!) . There was a time when things were hitting rock bottom and we were arguing a lot. I was suicidal and social services etc were involved. Since that incident, my partner and I were not talking to each other or together for a good 6-7 months although we were in the same house. It was a very difficult time for me and during this time I got close to someone from work ( I was new there) and he was very comforting and wanted to know more about why I was sad and upset and I was dying to talk to someone. I have only been with my partner all my life. He said that he was going through something similar in his marriage and was only still married because of his kids. He would leave her when they are bigger and in the meantime he has given up trying and has fun and keeps himself happy. He was saying don't be sad, have fun and enjoy life you deserve to be happy etc., and we spent a lot of time talking and one thing led to another when he offered romance and fun and started looking at me and paying attention to me in a way that my partner never had. He was very passionate and I felt I was caught in a whirlwind and couldn't come out of it. After a few times that I spent with him I found that he was distancing himself, not talking to me as much and I was starting to become a nuisance if I chattered with him or he wouldn't respond for days and out of the blue would ask to meet up. My partner found out about this, one thing he said to me when he was being hurtful is that I will never find a man to love me and only a old man would want me. He was furious and jealous and wanted to work things out and said it really hurt him deeply and never expected this of me. We are going for couple counselling.


In the meantime I sent him a friend request on face book and found that he was a lovely husband and a doting father, buying his wife flowers, taking her out a lot or on holiday. I also found that he has physical relationships with a lot of girls he meets and he is good looking and very persuasive. He tells everyone that he has no relationship with his wife and I feel very used and betrayed. He seems like a really nice guy and wasn't expecting him to be blanking me after the way we were together. I feel like there is no one I can trust and mentally shattered. Please advice. Do I tell the wife who may be oblivious to all of this? My thoughts are along the lines of other young people who may be vulnerable can also be a target and he could be carrying STD's around and taking that home too. I have got myself checked. On the other hand I really like him and don't want to hurt him, his wife or the kids nor do I want to be the reason for a family to fall apart
You met a player and he played you perfectly.
Him seeming to pull back and then asking you to meet up is a classic player tactic,it makes it seem as if you are in control of the relationship when in actual fact he was probably with another one of his targets.
Put him out of your mind as best you can. I ask this gently,were you sleeping with him and are you rewriting your history with your husband to justify your cheating. Because that’s what it was/is.
Let his wife know as soon as possible and make your mind up whether you want to work on your marriage or not. It’s not fair to your husband if you are still willing to cheat with the other guy if he comes calling.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
You will not be the reason his family falls apart although you may be the reason yours does! He is a player, wrote the cheater's handbook, has the MO down pat. He is now tired of you and ready to move on.

Perhaps you are ready to leave your reliable but controlling, forgiving partner and let him find someone who wants him. If you want marriage, work on it (12 years together but no commitment?), if not leave and continue to seek affirmation elsewhere.

Yes, I agree that he is a player but I am not wholly responsible for our marriage falling apart. My husband gets jealous, if he is in a bad mood, has a bad day he will throw tantrums, walk around with a screw driver threatening to harm himself etc., but walks in circles with it which I feel is to instil fear or to intimidate- a part of the counselling is that he gets some medical assessments. Only I know how hard it has been to raise our kids having to do everything and be ***** footing around him just in case it upsets him for 12 years! Living in a marriage like that, now that is commitment. I don't know if I want to be with him. That is where the counselling comes in and at the end of it I will know in my heart.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
You met a player and he played you perfectly.
Him seeming to pull back and then asking you to meet up is a classic player tactic,it makes it seem as if you are in control of the relationship when in actual fact he was probably with another one of his targets.
Put him out of your mind as best you can. I ask this gently,were you sleeping with him and are you rewriting your history with your husband to justify your cheating. Because that’s what it was/is.
Let his wife know as soon as possible and make your mind up whether you want to work on your marriage or not. It’s not fair to your husband if you are still willing to cheat with the other guy if he comes calling.
Yes you are probably right, I should have known better. I hate myself for it and I can't go back to what I was.

I am not rewriting my history, it all happened around the same time and factors causing an untold amount of stress and depression, anxiety and problems at work and in my personal life. I am not finding excuses. I didn't seek anyone out nor did I want to. I was too broken and my husband's behaviour was making me want to end my life when this guy found me. He saw how distressed I was and his friendship was comforting and uplifting. I was in a dark hole and this lifted me up so you can see why I care so much not to ruin his life. My husband was behaving like a heartless narcissist until this happened. It is only when he found out that he saw me for the first time in the 12 years that I saw him hurting and for once the tables had turned (this wasn't my intention either) he is a bull in the china shop when he is in one of his moods and then wont talk to me for days. Deep inside He knows he is partly to blame with his behaviour. I hate what I let myself into. The last two times he asked to meet him I refused and did tell him that I was trying to work things out with my husband.
 

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I agree, but he keeps putting it off. I don't want to push it too much
You have a perfect right to "push" your husband into getting the help he needs. Frankly, he could be of harm to himself or you and/or the children.

Sorry, but I don't agree with allowing someone who exhibits disturbing behavior(s) to be around kids. Your husband sounds like a loose canon.

Better yet, can you stay with friends or relatives for a brief time? If I was in your position, I'd issue an ultimatum and stick to it: get help or we're leaving.

Seriously.
 

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Yes you are probably right, I should have known better. I hate myself for it and I can't go back to what I was.

I am not rewriting my history, it all happened around the same time and factors causing an untold amount of stress and depression, anxiety and problems at work and in my personal life. I am not finding excuses. I didn't seek anyone out nor did I want to. I was too broken and my husband's behaviour was making me want to end my life when this guy found me. He saw how distressed I was and his friendship was comforting and uplifting. I was in a dark hole and this lifted me up so you can see why I care so much not to ruin his life. My husband was behaving like a heartless narcissist until this happened. It is only when he found out that he saw me for the first time in the 12 years that I saw him hurting and for once the tables had turned (this wasn't my intention either) he is a bull in the china shop when he is in one of his moods and then wont talk to me for days. Deep inside He knows he is partly to blame with his behaviour. I hate what I let myself into. The last two times he asked to meet him I refused and did tell him that I was trying to work things out with my husband.

So to be clear, in answer to one of Andy's questions, you were sleeping with the POSOM and this was physical? How long did this go on for and did you ever sleep with both, the POSOM as well as your husband on the same day, week etc ?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
You have a perfect right to "push" your husband into getting the help he needs. Frankly, he could be of harm to himself or you and/or the children.

Sorry, but I don't agree with allowing someone who exhibits disturbing behavior(s) to be around kids. Your husband sounds like a loose canon.

Better yet, can you stay with friends or relatives for a brief time? If I was in your position, I'd issue an ultimatum and stick to it: get help or we're leaving.

Seriously.
there is no one I can go to and won't go to a shelter where it will be worse. I know him, I have been in this long enough to know that it is a power/control thing. He loves life too much to harm himself. when he gets like that I do go to my mum for a couple of days and he is calm by the end of the day. yes I have been thinking of getting him an appointment to be helpful and asking him to do it for the sake of the family.
 

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So to be clear, in answer to one of Andy's questions, you were sleeping with the POSOM and this was physical? How long did this go on for and did you ever sleep with both, the POSOM as well as your husband on the same day, week etc ?
What is POSOM?? I am very surprised as to the intrusiveness of these questions and not certain of it's purpose? I think it is very clear in my initial message that it was physical, and that we weren't together (My husband and I) for 6-7 months, after the way he behaved and let us down it was over for me, although I do not see how this information is helpful...
 

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@claire74 you spell counselling like I do (the extra l! ;) ) I'm going to presume you are in the UK.

So, I'm going to offer you some UK-based resources:-

https://www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know/suicidal-thoughts-how-to-support-someone

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3108994-When-is-threatening-suicide-abuse-and-when-is-it-not

https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Helpline/LocationSearch/1954

If you are religious a pastor/priest/vicar/rabbi etc might be of assistance.

You were pulled in by an expert player, but that's not your major issue to my way of thinking. Your spouse/partner and his threats to harm himself is your major issue, I think.
 

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What is POSOM??
POSOM = Piece of **** Other Man.

I am very surprised as to the intrusiveness of these questions and not certain of it's purpose? I think it is very clear in my initial message that it was physical, and that we weren't together (My husband and I) for 6-7 months, after the way he behaved and let us down it was over for me, although I do not see how this information is helpful...
This is a marriage forum. People are permitted to have their opinions and POV (Point Of View). I'd suggest you peruse the other sub-forums here on TAM. People get, as you say, rather "intrusive." Why? Because this is a place you can anonymously discuss emotionally-laden, personal aspects of your marriage relationship. That being said, please don't take offense. It's just that you won't get support for cheating on your spouse. You left him. You had sex with another man. You claim it was over. Yet you returned to him, sans divorce.

I'm not here to judge you. But I will tell you that having sex outside of a marital relationship is wrong. That is my opinion. People want to have sex with someone other than their marital partner? Great. Have at it. But get a formal divorce first. Sure, you were hurting, lonely, and a man said things you wanted to hear. But the thing is, regardless of the motivation, you had sex outside of your marriage.

JMO, but if someone is unhappy enough to leave their partner and say they are sick and tired of being sick and tired, they hire an attorney and file for divorce. They don't go out and screw another guy.

Again, JMO.
 

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POSOM = Piece of **** Other Man.



This is a marriage forum. People are permitted to have their opinions and POV (Point Of View). I'd suggest you peruse the other sub-forums here on TAM. People get, as you say, rather "intrusive." Why? Because this is a place you can anonymously discuss emotionally-laden, personal aspects of your marriage relationship. That being said, please don't take offense. It's just that you won't get support for cheating on your spouse. You left him. You had sex with another man. You claim it was over. Yet you returned to him, sans divorce.

I understand, but he was asking me questions that I had already answered like being separate my husband for a while when this happened so no I wasn't with them both at the same time after he nearly lost me my kids, and was I physical? I wouldn't have checked myself for STD's otherwise. I don't expect sympathy for being with someone other than my husband but I have gone through this with my husband a million times and with him he had every right to know. Here my question was, should I tell the wife and I am not sure how those questions were helpful or relevant, I am not someone who was lusting after another man, planning on cheating etc., I was too caught up in my trauma and this guy was very kind and caring and in a weak moment I lost myself and I have been torturing myself since. I have lost the person I was, all the values I upheld and hate what I did

I'm not here to judge you. But I will tell you that having sex outside of a marital relationship is wrong. That is my opinion. People want to have sex with someone other than their marital partner? Great. Have at it. But get a formal divorce first. Sure, you were hurting, lonely, and a man said things you wanted to hear. But the thing is, regardless of the motivation, you had sex outside of your marriage.

@ sex outside marital relationship is wrong and I agree 100% after the incident I was not with my husband, I didn't call out for a separation as I knew there would be more tantrums and my son was doing his GCSE's. I had told my husband that we were going our separate ways when his exams were over. When my husband found out about this guy he cried wanting me to give us another chance, go for counselling and work things out, which is where we are @ now.

JMO, but if someone is unhappy enough to leave their partner and say they are sick and tired of being sick and tired, they hire an attorney and file for divorce. They don't go out and screw another guy.

See above. In a perfect world they don't.



Again, JMO.
 

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You got played by a predator. I believe you stated that there have been others as well. For him, he saw you broken and used his wiles to bed you he did.

Believe me, he’s nothing special and yes you should let his wife know. You say he was nice and caring, this was a facade. The reasons for telling the wife are many. Would you not want to know if you were her, she should have the option to decide whether to stay or go, she should check for std’s, especially if he’s done this before etc.... there is much you will learn from these wonderful folk here, it would benefit you to take what you need and leave the rest.

I hear what you say about your spouse, if it’s so bad, walk. You said you were separated for 6-7 months, so it is indeed possible. You both need counseling to overcome your issues.

Please note that this is just my opinion from what you have written. I wish you and your family the best and do hope you and your spouse reach out for the help you need.

OT
 

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POSOM = Piece of **** Other Man.



This is a marriage forum. People are permitted to have their opinions and POV (Point Of View). I'd suggest you peruse the other sub-forums here on TAM. People get, as you say, rather "intrusive." Why? Because this is a place you can anonymously discuss emotionally-laden, personal aspects of your marriage relationship. That being said, please don't take offense. It's just that you won't get support for cheating on your spouse. You left him. You had sex with another man. You claim it was over. Yet you returned to him, sans divorce.

I'm not here to judge you. But I will tell you that having sex outside of a marital relationship is wrong. That is my opinion. People want to have sex with someone other than their marital partner? Great. Have at it. But get a formal divorce first. Sure, you were hurting, lonely, and a man said things you wanted to hear. But the thing is, regardless of the motivation, you had sex outside of your marriage.

JMO, but if someone is unhappy enough to leave their partner and say they are sick and tired of being sick and tired, they hire an attorney and file for divorce. They don't go out and screw another guy.

Again, JMO.
You got played by a predator. I believe you stated that there have been others as well. For him, he saw you broken and used his wiles to bed you he did.

Believe me, he’s nothing special and yes you should let his wife know. You say he was nice and caring, this was a facade. The reasons for telling the wife are many. Would you not want to know if you were her, she should have the option to decide whether to stay or go, she should check for std’s, especially if he’s done this before etc.... there is much you will learn from these wonderful folk here, it would benefit you to take what you need and leave the rest.

I hear what you say about your spouse, if it’s so bad, walk. You said you were separated for 6-7 months, so it is indeed possible. You both need counseling to overcome your issues.

Please note that this is just my opinion from what you have written. I wish you and your family the best and do hope you and your spouse reach out for the help you need.

OT
Thank you, this is the kind of understanding, insight and reaffirmation that I sought. Thank you all for your advice and input. It has been helpful.
 
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