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Who is WE and AROUND HERE?

OP: google ethical non-monogamy for the learning you can achieve on that topic. I would recommend a marriage counselor. I would specifically look for one who is not automatically anti-ethical non-monogamy. Whether it is for you and your husband, it would be helpful for him not to feel castigated out of the gate.

-- Coming from someone with decades of practice with ethical non-monogamy.
I think there is a difference between two people deciding this together and one spouse "realizing" this after years of marriage. The former makes sense. The latter is poorly veiled cheating.
 

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I think there is a difference between two people deciding this together and one spouse "realizing" this after years of marriage. The former makes sense. The latter is poorly veiled cheating.
Well, I guess one could CHOOSE to see it that way. But one can also be open to understanding their spouse. Do you think you were fully baked when you stood at the alter for your first marriage oh so many years ago? I know I wasn't. I know my husband wasn't.

If she chooses not to get on the ride, no blood, no foul. It is certainly not what she signed up for. Or she can choose to learn more and see what it really can be able. Personally, I am glad I chose the latter. But that is just me. And many of the people I know.
 

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Well, I guess one could CHOOSE to see it that way. But one can also be open to understanding their spouse.

I think most of the population would see it as someone wanting to play away from home without losing their comfy marriage or their reputation.
I noticed that you answered most of the posts since you came to this thread except the question @Andy1001 asked you. I too would like to know what you think the difference between ethical monogamy and an open marriage is.
 

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I think there is a difference between two people deciding this together and one spouse "realizing" this after years of marriage. The former makes sense. The latter is poorly veiled cheating.
Well, I guess one could CHOOSE to see it that way. But one can also be open to understanding their spouse. Do you think you were fully baked when you stood at the alter for your first marriage oh so many years ago? I know I wasn't. I know my husband wasn't.

If she chooses not to get on the ride, no blood, no foul. It is certainly not what she signed up for. Or she can choose to learn more and see what it really can be able. Personally, I am glad I chose the latter. But that is just me. And many of the people I know.
So you are saying a person who doesn't want to share they began a monogamous marriage to is somehow bad or not enlightened or selfish?

But the spouse who wants others after PROMISING monogamy is NOT selfish?
 

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@ecoylisa this isn't what most of us expected when we got married, but here you are. If you know you don't want this, that is a good reason to end the marriage.

But given where you are, you might want to do some research to see if it might work for you. As @NobodySpecial said, research "concensual non-monogamy" and/or see a counselor to discuss it. If you decide it could work, then you'd need to get your H to discuss what it would mean.
 

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I asked you a few weeks ago if you are in an open relationship but you sort of half answered.
I am just seeing this. Not sure why it is not showing in my quote list. I am surprised I half answered.

What we do would not be called an open relationship. We would be called polyamorous.

Maybe you can explain the difference between an open relationship and ethical non-monogamy.
Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term that encompasses non-monogamy wrt sex and/or love relationships. It has many sub-components including swinging, open, poly... It's common principle is honesty. Full consent of all parties involved.

To me it sounds like the op’s husband has developed feelings for someone else and wants to test the waters without risking his marriage. This leaves the op as plan B.

Who wants to be plan B?
It sounds like that to you because that is what you are used to hearing. It is also possible that OP's husband ha hitched a ride on the poly train as a legitimization. It is also possible that the dude feels like a poly person. It does not sound like either to me. OP has a choice.
 

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So you are saying a person who doesn't want to share they began a monogamous marriage to is somehow bad or not enlightened or selfish?
No I am not saying that. What even?

But the spouse who wants others after PROMISING monogamy is NOT selfish?
I won't lie. I don't get bent about the fact that people change after years and decades. She can decide -- sure he is selfish. He promised. That and $20 will get you a Starbucks, not a great marriage. Every Single One of Us has changed since they day we made our promises. The thing she has to decide for herself is whether or not she wants to go the understanding route. And I will be the first to support her if she chooses NOT to.
 

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No I am not saying that. What even?



I won't lie. I don't get bent about the fact that people change after years and decades. She can decide -- sure he is selfish. He promised. That and $20 will get you a Starbucks, not a great marriage. Every Single One of Us has changed since they day we made our promises. The thing she has to decide for herself is whether or not she wants to go the understanding route. And I will be the first to support her if she chooses NOT to.
I'm sorry, it is not comparable to equate changing weight, changing a political view, becoming more or less introverted and "I want to sleep with other people besides you."

I'm not bashing people who choose to be nonmonagamous at all.

But let's at least be honest instead of minimizing it like they just changed favorite ice cream flavors.
 

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I'm sorry, it is not comparable to equate changing weight, changing a political view, becoming more or less introverted and "I want to sleep with other people besides you."
I don't care what people want to equate it to. I would not "equate it" to anything of the sort. Nor have I.

I'm not bashing people who choose to be nonmonagamous at all.

But let's at least be honest instead of minimizing it like they just changed favorite ice cream flavors.
Please stop trying to tell me I am saying things I am not saying.
 

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Well, I guess one could CHOOSE to see it that way. But one can also be open to understanding their spouse. Do you think you were fully baked when you stood at the alter for your first marriage oh so many years ago? I know I wasn't. I know my husband wasn't.

If she chooses not to get on the ride, no blood, no foul. It is certainly not what she signed up for. Or she can choose to learn more and see what it really can be able. Personally, I am glad I chose the latter. But that is just me. And many of the people I know.
I certainly wasn't fully baked when I stood at the alter and neither was my wife.

What were were, though, is fully committed to each other and each other alone, which is exactly what we promised to each other in front of witnesses.
 

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I certainly wasn't fully baked when I stood at the alter and neither was my wife.

What were were, though, is fully committed to each other and each other alone, which is exactly what we promised to each other in front of witnesses.
And it is perfectly reasonable for the OP to choose that approach.
 

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I am just seeing this. Not sure why it is not showing in my quote list. I am surprised I half answered.

What we do would not be called an open relationship. We would be called polyamorous.


Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term that encompasses non-monogamy wrt sex and/or love relationships. It has many sub-components including swinging, open, poly... It's common principle is honesty. Full consent of all parties involved.



It sounds like that to you because that is what you are used to hearing. It is also possible that OP's husband ha hitched a ride on the poly train as a legitimization. It is also possible that the dude feels like a poly person. It does not sound like either to me. OP has a choice.
Maybe I’m not getting this because it’s Monday or maybe you’re not explaining it very well.
You say you don’t have an open marriage (Your profile says different btw) but you are polyamorous.
Doesn’t this mean you are free to have sex with other people and your husband likewise?
So what’s the difference?
Please don’t think I’m judging,I’m not. In my opinion consenting adults can do whatever they want as long as nobody else is getting hurt.
 

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As I was mentioning, lately I am married to my best friend which also means that i am (earlier i had thought both of us) emotionally dependent on my partner. Laterly, he has realized that he is polygamous and i have always been strictly monogamous (not that i don't understand that it is different for different people. But i do feel disappointed about the world that we have built and now other people and their involvement will threaten this)
I am caught in a place where i know my partner is unhappy and i am unhappy but i can't truthfully say that he should chase his happiness of fulfillment of his desires. What do i do?
Advise your H this is not what you signed up for. It is enough to end the marriage IMO.
 

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Maybe I’m not getting this because it’s Monday or maybe you’re not explaining it very well.
You say you don’t have an open marriage (Your profile says different btw) but you are polyamorous.
Yes. This is correct. I have no recollection what my profile says or what the options are.

Doesn’t this mean you are free to have sex with other people and your husband likewise?
That is a GROSS over simplification. It would not work out if I came home and said, hey dear, I banged my boss in the copy room.

So what’s the difference?
To simplify won't do it justice. And there is a TON out there that you can read about. This is why you frequently see me post a link to my favorites of many, many books on the subject. But I will try. An open marriage is the term used to describe outside sex only. These are independent sexual activities with others than ones marriage partner. Polyamory is the term used to describe openness to multiple romantic partners. For most people, this will often include sex. But it is a phenomenon that embraces asexuality, though that is not something I have any experience with. So within an open marriage, a spouse is likely aware that their spouse has sex with someone named Sara, and he is going to see her on Saturday. With poly, Sara may come over for dinner with or without her husband. I have a pair of earrings in my earring tree that my BF made for me, for example. DH went out with his GF and her kid to the laser tag recently...

Please don’t think I’m judging,I’m not. In my opinion consenting adults can do whatever they want as long as nobody else is getting hurt.
It's all good.

ETA: To put my PoV in some context for you, Lisa, neither my husband nor I had ever even thought of this when we got married. We had nice, traditional, forsaking all others vows like everyone else.
 

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Maybe I’m not getting this because it’s Monday or maybe you’re not explaining it very well.
You say you don’t have an open marriage (Your profile says different btw) but you are polyamorous.
Just checked. There is no option for polyamorous. And it sure is not polygamy.
 

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Does she say he is screwing around with deception? I must have missed that.
I don’t think she said anything about deception. If he was seeing someone else secretly, that would be out and out cheating as I understand it. I assumed he told her in advance and since she knows he can say it is not cheating because she knows. But it is still infidelity because he is breaking his wedding vow. And it is not “ethical” because she is clearly confused about the potential consequences and is not on board with it.
 

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There are many men out there, just as you do, who desire to remain in a monogamous relationship!

Oblige them! You'll be far happier for it!
 

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ETA: To put my PoV in some context for you, Lisa, neither my husband nor I had ever even thought of this when we got married. We had nice, traditional, forsaking all others vows like everyone else.
I think most people forget they have the right/choice to create their own way of life and live it.
If a couple chooses to do so they can reach their own agreement as what constitutes fidelity for them instead of forcing themselves into a social modality which doesn't truly fit them.

As you and your husband seem to have done.

It would take lots of discussion and learning on both parts.
 

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Discussion Starter #40
I am very thankful for all the comments and perspectives left. As you can imagine, these thoughts have, at once, cleared my mind about some things, gave me possible paths to choose from and muddled up some things i thought i knew. I will be considering dearly. And will definitely let you guys know about my decisions and thought. I definitely need to be less emotionally dependent on him. And yes, i did mean polyamory (I looked it up).
 
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