Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 114 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am new to this forum but have been cruising and reading many posts and have been thoroughly glad that I have learnt so much. I am married to my best friend from college, but right now we are facing some issues. I cannot talk to my close friends or family about it and i thought perhaps i could request help here. :) looking forward to being here. :smile2:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
hi lisa whats up

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk
Whats going on Lisa?
Lisa, you've definitely come to right place! You'll have friends here!

Looking forward to hearing your story!
I am new to this forum but have been cruising and reading many posts and have been thoroughly glad that I have learnt so much. I am married to my best friend from college, but right now we are facing some issues. I cannot talk to my close friends or family about it and i thought perhaps i could request help here. :) looking forward to being here. :smile2:
As I was mentioning, lately I am married to my best friend which also means that i am (earlier i had thought both of us) emotionally dependent on my partner. Laterly, he has realized that he is polygamous and i have always been strictly monogamous (not that i don't understand that it is different for different people. But i do feel disappointed about the world that we have built and now other people and their involvement will threaten this)
I am caught in a place where i know my partner is unhappy and i am unhappy but i can't truthfully say that he should chase his happiness of fulfillment of his desires. What do i do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,460 Posts
As I was mentioning, lately I am married to my best friend which also means that i am (earlier i had thought both of us) emotionally dependent on my partner. Laterly, he has realized that he is polygamous and i have always been strictly monogamous (not that i don't understand that it is different for different people. But i do feel disappointed about the world that we have built and now other people and their involvement will threaten this)
I am caught in a place where i know my partner is unhappy and i am unhappy but i can't truthfully say that he should chase his happiness of fulfillment of his desires. What do i do?
He can call it whatever he wants but around here we call people like your husband “cake eaters”.
Has he told you who he wants to cheat with yet,because that’s basically what he wants.
And does his “polygamy” extend to you,in other words will he be ok if you get a boyfriend?
Tell him he can live whatever lifestyle he wants,just not as your husband. And please protect yourself,he may be cheating already and you have to be careful of contracting STD’s.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,437 Posts
i am (earlier i had thought both of us) emotionally dependent on my partner.
Being emotionally dependent upon such a man is going to bring you lots of pain. You need to make a different choice, whether you stay with your husband, or not:

This is a "recipe" to cook up emotional independence, from partners, from everyone other than yourself:

THE 180:

Laterly, he has realized that he is polygamous
Are these his words ? Polygamy is a CHOICE, not a "realization". No one, but no one, is "born" polygamous. no one is "born" monogamous. These are life choices we make for ourselves. "The devil made me do it" is not valid. "That's just how I am" is not valid. These are lies. A person must "own" his choices, or he will be carried about by the wind, into any kind of morally-unacceptable activity.

Lose this guy. Fast. Polygamy is not in keeping with the vows of marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
481 Posts
I think you mean polyamorous. Polygamy is illegal in most places in the US. Google or otherwise read about “ethical nonmonogamy” to learn what your husband may be thinking. It sounds to me that he is not concerned with the “ethical” part which involves mutual consent. In which case there is another term for what he is doing: infidelity. It is like cheating except you know about it. You have to decide what you can tolerate and then decide what to do about it. There will be others on here who can better advise you on getting out of infidelity and why it is important.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,146 Posts
He can call it whatever he wants but around here we call people like your husband “cake eaters”.
Who is WE and AROUND HERE?

OP: google ethical non-monogamy for the learning you can achieve on that topic. I would recommend a marriage counselor. I would specifically look for one who is not automatically anti-ethical non-monogamy. Whether it is for you and your husband, it would be helpful for him not to feel castigated out of the gate.

-- Coming from someone with decades of practice with ethical non-monogamy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,146 Posts
Being emotionally dependent upon such a man is going to bring you lots of pain. You need to make a different choice, whether you stay with your husband, or not:

This is a "recipe" to cook up emotional independence, from partners, from everyone other than yourself:

THE 180:



Are these his words ? Polygamy is a CHOICE, not a "realization". No one, but no one, is "born" polygamous. no one is "born" monogamous. These are life choices we make for ourselves. "The devil made me do it" is not valid. "That's just how I am" is not valid. These are lies. A person must "own" his choices, or he will be carried about by the wind, into any kind of morally-unacceptable activity.

Lose this guy. Fast. Polygamy is not in keeping with the vows of marriage.

Sigh - Bear in mind that this is a VERY conservative board with a LOT of people who never processed their own marriages many of which include infidelity. This is not the best place to get understanding.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,146 Posts
I think you mean polyamorous. Polygamy is illegal in most places in the US. Google or otherwise read about “ethical nonmonogamy” to learn what your husband may be thinking. It sounds to me that he is not concerned with the “ethical” part which involves mutual consent. In which case there is another term for what he is doing: infidelity. It is like cheating except you know about it. You have to decide what you can tolerate and then decide what to do about it. There will be others on here who can better advise you on getting out of infidelity and why it is important.
Does she say he is screwing around with deception? I must have missed that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,460 Posts
Who is WE and AROUND HERE?

OP: google ethical non-monogamy for the learning you can achieve on that topic. I would recommend a marriage counselor. I would specifically look for one who is not automatically anti-ethical non-monogamy. Whether it is for you and your husband, it would be helpful for him not to feel castigated out of the gate.

-- Coming from someone with decades of practice with ethical non-monogamy.
I asked you a few weeks ago if you are in an open relationship but you sort of half answered.
Maybe you can explain the difference between an open relationship and ethical non-monogamy.
To me it sounds like the op’s husband has developed feelings for someone else and wants to test the waters without risking his marriage. This leaves the op as plan B.
Who wants to be plan B?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,219 Posts
Sigh - Bear in mind that this is a VERY conservative board with a LOT of people who never processed their own marriages many of which include infidelity. This is not the best place to get understanding.
She said "helpful to me to understand the psyche of various motivations that might lead people to cheat" on another thread.
Doesn't sound like she's all into the wife swap lifestyle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,146 Posts
She said "helpful to me to understand the psyche of various motivations that might lead people to cheat" on another thread.
Doesn't sound like she's all into the wife swap lifestyle.
Grrrrr. She never said anything about wife swapping.

OP - If you feel that your husband is genuine about polyamory vs being a douche canoe that wants to bang when he wants to bang, then I would recommend

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=opening+up&qid=1555333976&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Or even that book might help you identify if your husband IS a douche canoe who just wants to bang what he wants to bang.

But be aware that polyamory is a real thing. Yes some people hear the word and think it is license to be a prick. But they are and were pricks anyway. There are many, many people who feel this way. You do not owe your DH ANYTHING in this regard. Because HE may feel he is poly does not mean you HAVE to allow it. It is not what you signed up for. But if you want to understand where HE might be coming from, you have resources.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
28,172 Posts
Grrrrr. She never said anything about wife swapping.

OP - If you feel that your husband is genuine about polyamory vs being a douche canoe that wants to bang when he wants to bang, then I would recommend

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=opening+up&qid=1555333976&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Or even that book might help you identify if your husband IS a douche canoe who just wants to bang what he wants to bang.

But be aware that polyamory is a real thing. Yes some people hear the word and think it is license to be a prick. But they are and were pricks anyway. There are many, many people who feel this way. You do not owe your DH ANYTHING in this regard. Because HE may feel he is poly does not mean you HAVE to allow it. It is not what you signed up for. But if you want to understand where HE might be coming from, you have resources.
But a polyamous relationship with only one spouse getting extra loving (to coin a phrase) does not sound like an open marriage, it sounds more akin to a cuckold or cuckquean deal, with elements of Plan Berism.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,146 Posts
But a polyamous relationship with only one spouse getting extra loving (to coin a phrase) does not sound like an open marriage, it sounds more akin to a cuckold or cuckquean deal, with elements of Plan Berism.
I don't know what to tell you. It works for a LOT of people regardless of what it "sounds like".
 
1 - 20 of 114 Posts
Top