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My husband won’t quit smoking and I’m Thinking about leaving. We’ve been married 21 yrs and have a 16 yr old daughter. I need advice
 

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My first husband of 25 years smoked, he smoked when we met so why should I have expected him to change? Did your husband smoke when you married? If so then why are you wanting to leave after all these years?
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

My husband won’t quit smoking and I’m Thinking about leaving.
Is it really that simple?

Is your marriage less important than smoking? If so - is it worth staying even if he stops?

Can you negotiate with him so that he only smokes outside - perhaps he could have a shed with a comfortable chair?

FWIW - I smoked from age 16 to 52 - the last few years @ 40 a day. I stopped when I realised that my father's (almost instant) death from a heart attack was much less traumatic that the drawn-out awfulness of lung cancer (F-i-L had COPD for ten years due to smoking - brain OK, body useless - permanently attached to an oxygen bottle, hoisted from bed to chair in the morning and back again at night - for ten years - with a decent brain! He wasn't a nice guy but few deserve such a demise).
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

Sounds a lot like my wife stopped vacuuming and I'm thinking about leaving.
Really? So getting sick from passive vacuuming is a thing?

People get cancer and die from vacuuming?

No.
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

My husband won’t quit smoking and I’m Thinking about leaving. We’ve been married 21 yrs and have a 16 yr old daughter. I need advice
E-cigarettes, perhaps?

What are your concerns about his smoking?

Why leave now, rather than earlier?

What does your daughter think?
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

My husband won’t quit smoking and I’m Thinking about leaving. We’ve been married 21 yrs and have a 16 yr old daughter. I need advice
As you know, if your husband is smoking in your home it can adversely affect both your health and your daughter's health. And this says nothing about how it is destroying your husband's health.

I married a guy who smoked in the house. After about 3 years I realized that his smoking was affecting me and not good for the children. With my insistence he chose to smoke outside, in cold weather he would smoke in the garage. He did try to stop smoking using patches, nicotine gum and other things but none worked.

For Christmas a couple of years later I gave him an ecig as a present. He started using it and was able to cut down the amount no nicotine quite a bit.

Stick to you guns on this. One of my brothers is a raspatory therapist. He says that so many of his patients are women who are married to smokers. The second hand smoke has destroyed their health. Smoking is not only bad for the smoker. It harms everyone in the household.
 

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Smoking is bad, clearly. No one will argue that. My point was that if he’s been smoking his entire life, prior to marriage and your child is now 16, you can ask but can’t demand him to stop. Isn’t this a bait and switch? Yep, let’s get married, smoking and all. 21 years later you’re changing the rules? Unless something has changed with the health of a household member. I guess, not enough info here.

FYI, I don’t smoke and I’m not a smoker supporter.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you everyone for awesome advice and I see sone of you had questions. I guess to answer a few. I dealt with a sick father who smoked 2 packs a day. I don’t want that in my life. And yes when we got married he’s smoked ...We both did! But 6 years ago I quit I wasn’t a heavy smoker but I quit for my kid. He never bothered to.
He doesn’t smoke in front of me but I catch him now and then and I just hate it and he knows I hate it! So I feel like he’s choosing nicotine over me… And I’m about at the end of my rope with it I want to man who is healthy and if I can’t have that I don’t want to man at all right now this is affecting us a lot especially in the bedroom which is really sad…
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

My husband won’t quit smoking and I’m Thinking about leaving. We’ve been married 21 yrs and have a 16 yr old daughter. I need advice
Understandable. It's one of my deal breakers as well.

Have you told him that if he won't quit, you're leaving?
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

As you know, if your husband is smoking in your home it can adversely affect both your health and your daughter's health. And this says nothing about how it is destroying your husband's health.

I married a guy who smoked in the house. After about 3 years I realized that his smoking was affecting me and not good for the children. With my insistence he chose to smoke outside, in cold weather he would smoke in the garage. He did try to stop smoking using patches, nicotine gum and other things but none worked.

For Christmas a couple of years later I gave him an ecig as a present. He started using it and was able to cut down the amount no nicotine quite a bit.

Stick to you guns on this. One of my brothers is a raspatory therapist. He says that so many of his patients are women who are married to smokers. The second hand smoke has destroyed their health. Smoking is not only bad for the smoker. It harms everyone in the household.
This may sound harsh, but I think smoking is profoundly selfish, arrogant, and disgusting.

Selfish because even if you don't smoke around anyone else, you're still shortening your lifespan, putting a massive strain on the healthcare system, and you still probably stink. I've had at least three close family members die early because of smoking, and I'm simply tired of it.

Arrogant because you obviously think your choices are more important than the consequences that you don't care about, essentially for a hobby that's not really different than crack or heroin. Plus, the cigarette buts are one of the top pollutants in many ecosystems - I myself have had to yell at my brother in law for flicking his but into my yard like it's no big deal.

Disgusting because... you smell, your teeth go bad, you age rapidly, and just gross. And buts are disgusting, too. The whole deal is disgusting.

All for a hobby.

If you say quitting is hard, I'll believe you, but I've been around enough people that have simply quit when they decided to, to know that it's possible.
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

Thank you everyone for awesome advice and I see sone of you had questions. I guess to answer a few. I dealt with a sick father who smoked 2 packs a day. I don’t want that in my life. And yes when we got married he’s smoked ...We both did! But 6 years ago I quit I wasn’t a heavy smoker but I quit for my kid. He never bothered to.
He doesn’t smoke in front of me but I catch him now and then and I just hate it and he knows I hate it! So I feel like he’s choosing nicotine over me… And I’m about at the end of my rope with it I want to man who is healthy and if I can’t have that I don’t want to man at all right now this is affecting us a lot especially in the bedroom which is really sad…
From the bolded part, it sounds like there are a lot more issues in your marriage besides him smoking. Could you explain further on the bit about what it's affecting in your bedroom?
 

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Re: Hi I’m new

Certainly smoking is bad for your health, but put it in context with all of the other health issues people deal with. Many people do things that are unhealthy, such as carry extra weight, lead sedentary lives, eat low-nutrition foods, eat fatty foods, drink too much, and so on.

Even if this the smoking issue is a deal breaker for you, do not get divorced while your 16-year-old daughter is in HS. It will likely be very emotionally impactful on her and she won't understand that why you divorced him. Him smoking is not a good enough reason to put your daughter through a divorce at her age. At least wait until she's out of HS and on her own. And even then, she's likely not going to understand why you divorced her dad because he smoked.

And keep in mind that quitting smoking is very hard. Even if you were able to manage it, many people struggle greatly. It's the same with losing weight. Even with the best intentions, it can be very difficult and the person may fail repeatedly and may never actually succeed. We certainly see that with weight. Many people have a life-long battle with themselves trying to manage their weight.

You might consider asking him to switch to vaping. Although there are still health risks, he will avoid many of the problems which come from breathing in the smoke from tobacco.
 

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Bait-n-switched. You and he were smokers when you met and when you got married and now you decided to get healthy and he’s who he has always been. I don’t get it.

To me there are other issues here and you are using his smoking as a reason to dump him. I think you need to dig in and understand why you no longer want him in your life.

To be clear I can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke live or stale but there’s something else going on.
 
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