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Discussion Starter #41
there was an introduction page and i gave some of my history. everything else after the intro was responding to fill in the blanks on questions or observations.

my intent is to offer support to those who have gone through the misery of these A's.
i did offer what i thought didn't go well and the bad decisions i made.

back in the day there weren't any support sites like this. had there been, i definitely would have taken a different track.
until i got on forums a few years ago, i just didn't know what happened to me and how i felt is what everyone feels.
it's such a miserable experience and the BS need all the support they can get.
 

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I have seen @rugswept offer some decent advice on a couple of threads so while I don't support his situation or believe his wife is a good person ( mostly not a grown up or responsible), I have seen that he has something to offer others because he doesn't advocate his condition as healthy or advisable.

That is valuable.
 

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I agree with those who challenge your statement that your wife is a good person now.

If she cannot see the pain that you are still obviously in (and trying hard to suppress) and not give you the details you so obviously and desparately need to even begin to process this and begin healing, then she is simply not a good person. At best she is a good mother (although even that I challenge, since she is harming her child's father) and has resisted cheating again (something that she has proven she can do more than once).

I cannot understand how an adult couldn't see that sleeping with your future husband's brother (especially someone like whom you described) was not wrong and a fatal blow to any relationship (not to mention the opinion of others of her which can never go away). I cannot see how she didnt see the same with this other POS (from the gym ?) that she bedded for TWO FREAKING YEARS!

But mostly it breaks my heart to see you blame yourself for both infidelity incidents as well as rugsweep them big time.

For your own peace of mind and well being, she really, really needs to sit down and not only give you full details of the affair but even attempt a time line of the affair (even if it was decades ago). If you do not get this you have NO chance of healing. None.
 

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Rugswept,

You wrote,

back in the day there weren't any support sites like this. had there been, i definitely would have taken a different track. until i got on forums a few years ago, i just didn't know what happened to me and how i felt is what everyone feels. it's such a miserable experience and the BS need all the support they can get.

I have to agree I thought for 20+ years that the reason my W cheated on me was because I was inadequate, and my W was very attractive, it wasn't her failings but mine.

I also believed that people just got over cheating, like it was a joke, and that there was something wrong with me because I never did.

I ignored or didn't recognize the evidence all around me of people destroyed by infidelity.

Almost everyone on this site wished they had a resource like this when it happened, or even better before it happened.
 

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there was an introduction page and i gave some of my history. everything else after the intro was responding to fill in the blanks on questions or observations.

my intent is to offer support to those who have gone through the misery of these A's.
i did offer what i thought didn't go well and the bad decisions i made.

back in the day there weren't any support sites like this. had there been, i definitely would have taken a different track.
until i got on forums a few years ago, i just didn't know what happened to me and how i felt is what everyone feels.
it's such a miserable experience and the BS need all the support they can get.
I think you're right. You learn more from mistakes than anything else.
 
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