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Long time reader, first time poster. I’m currently coping (struggling, drowning, barely getting by) with infidelity recovery. I appreciate all the posts and how honest and open you all are.
 

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There are plenty of folks here who can help out -- post your story...

A couple of points -- has your husband cut off ALL communication with his AP? Is he TRULY remorseful (or just upset/said he got caught)? What is he doing to help YOU in all this -- HE is the one that has to do the work to get YOU back. Make sure you do NOT rug-sweep this and that he feels the consequences of what he did, or this will come back in the future.

VERY sorry you are here.
 

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I am so sorry, its so very painful isn't it. Are you still together?
It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’m 9 months on and it’s barely a hair easier. We are still together. We moved across the country right before it started, have two kids who are not adjusting well here and when my husband left his job (the affair was with his subordinate) he hasn’t been able to find work. I love him. I hate him. I hate my life.
 

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It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’m 9 months on and it’s barely a hair easier. We are still together. We moved across the country right before it started, have two kids who are not adjusting well here and when my husband left his job (the affair was with his subordinate) he hasn’t been able to find work. I love him. I hate him. I hate my life.
No matter what I can tell you that this too will pass, you will get better. There will be a moment in your life in a year or so where out of the blue you will be experiencing joy again and at that moment it will be a shock. But it will happen.

I and others can tell you this because we were all where you are and we all healed.

Now you can do some things to make that come quicker. The first step and I think the most important one is that you take the agency back in your life. You must empower yourself. Part of the tremendous pain is the feeling like you have lost control over your life. You feel that because you probably feel like the only way to be happy is to go back to what you thought you had before. That is not possible fo you feel powerless.

But that thinking is a lie. You must no longer allow yourself to be stuck you have to move forward. You have to have the courage to believe that you will be happy again, then you have to walk forward even if you don't feel it yet.

Tell us the full story and what he has been doing and what you have to heal.
 

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It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’m 9 months on and it’s barely a hair easier. We are still together. We moved across the country right before it started, have two kids who are not adjusting well here and when my husband left his job (the affair was with his subordinate) he hasn’t been able to find work. I love him. I hate him. I hate my life.
9 months on, do you trust him? What has he done to try and restore that trust? How long was the affair and how did you find out? Could you move back to where you were?
 

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So I hope you post your story here too to keep it all together.

Just to post quickly --

First off tell the other women's husband. It will stop the affair in it's tracks if it is still going on and it is the right thing to do. It will also tell you if they are still in contact because your husband will be upset with you. It also gives you another pair of eyes on them. I bet the whole soulmate bull**** will stop.

Let me tell you something about that. Who in their right mind would want to split all there time with someone else if they met their soulmate. Nope they will do everything in their power to be with them. Neither one of these two did. They were just willing to split there time with someone else too. I mean it must not have been that good since they both went to bed at night with someone else. Yeah Romero and Juliet stuff right there. Talk about half ass love. That is why all this soulmate talk is a bunch of crap. Nope they were just two emotional junkies using each other to get off. The sooner you husband understands that the better. You need to understand it too.

You are not competing with some great love affair, you are competing with emotional meth. Just as tawdry and destructive. Don't let him romanticize it, and DON'T YOU ROMANTICIZE IT ALSO!

Next make your husband get a polygraph. Unfortunately people who have affairs usually don't just start doing it, usually there is a history with a pattern of poor boundaries. You have no idea the truth. Don't assume he will tell you the truth. Your husband is a lair. All adulterers are and they are very good at it.

Go see a lawyer just to know your rights. You don't have to do anything yet but it will enable you to not have so much fear about the possibility of divorce.

The quickest way to get him off his ass and trying to fix stuff, get him telling you the truth is to file. Like all drug addicts he needs consequences and to hit rock bottom. Now maybe you are not there yet. But hopefully with our help you can be.

Let me tell you something else. In this story YOU are the catch, YOU are settling, no one wants to be with someone who cheats on them. You husband is the one who needs to step up. Make no mistake you may have had problems in the marriage but YOU can do better. Doing better then a cheater is not hard.

More to come.
 

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It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I’m 9 months on and it’s barely a hair easier. We are still together. We moved across the country right before it started, have two kids who are not adjusting well here and when my husband left his job (the affair was with his subordinate) he hasn’t been able to find work. I love him. I hate him. I hate my life.
Healing takes time. You are trying to reconsile and that is very difficult because your husband is addicted to the high the affair partner gives him. As long as he feels this " high" with her, the love for you is overshadowed.

Think of an alcoholic or a junkie. Their affairs are with a bottle or drugs, but those addictions win over the love they have for their spouse or family. The fact that he can't see how toxic this is is not good for your marriage. He has feelings for her. His feelings are magnified and he is confusing the affair high with love. They are not even close, but he has to realize this and sadly that seldomly happens.

I understand that it may not be in your best interest to divorce, but you must detach as this will help you think better. Are you on medication to help you feel better. You are under extreme stress. You can't control your WS. You can only control you. He is paying lip service to reconsiliation and that is why he wants to rug sweep the two times he cheated and hurt you terribly.

The reason he is not working on the marriage is because he thinks he loves the AP. As long as he feels this way, you are the only one truly present and working on the marriage. He is just biting time to get his next fix.

You want closure because deep down your gut is screaming the truth that you are the only one holding on to this marriage. While your husband is trying to fight his own demons he brought into your marriage when he stepped out of the marriage and betrayed you.

No partner is perfect, but you didn't betray or break your vows, so don't own what you had no fault in breaking. Accepting blame in an affair HE committed is you thinking that if you broke it, then you can fix it. Very deceiving logic there hon. He blsmeshifts like all cheaters blame shift. Don't drink his Kool aid. Think straight; it will aid in your detachment and healing whether your marriage survives or not.

I hope your marriage makes it, but most of all; I hope you gain peace and clarity really soon because the pain of his betrayal can't let you think straight and you have no peace. Your body is on panic alert and you can't see the Forrest from the trees so to speak.

Do not talk to this woman again. She will not give you closure. No one can give you closure right now, but you need therapy for just you. Not just marriage counseling.
 
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