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The advice below would be an epic fail with me. The pleasantly disinterested routine is pure head gaming.

The best move IMO is to make the point that you dont sleep with people who aren't agreeable to exclusivity.

But that's a face to face comment, you make while carefully gauging the other person's reaction. The guys who wince, frown, stutter or stumble are definitely looking for NSA sex.

Exclusivity doesn't mean you get to set the pace or dictate anything else.




I'm sorry. Sounds like he was in it for fun. Which is perfectly fine. But you took his answer to be yes, which I wouldn't have. He didn't say yes. For something as serious as this, I'd have to get an unequivocal, undeniable yes, ok, we are exclusive, we are a couple, we aren't dating others from here on out. He said nothing of the sort.

Please know I'm truly not kicking you when you're down although it seems so. That is not my intent! But sister to sister, here is where I think you went wrong. You said the E word (exclusive).

Now I'm not saying this is right. But in MY experience, men like to set the pace. I think you pulled the trigger too quickly. 1.5 months in is too soon IMO.

Your MO is to push too soon. I think you need to sloooow the pace.

Hang in there! Slow your roll. Try it on the next guy as an experiment. Be "pleasantly unavailable" at times, as I like to tell my single girlfriends. Live your life and if the guy fits in, that's great. THAT is mighty attractive to men.
 

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@Sue4473 I agree with the other posters that you had every right to raise the subject of exclusivity. Absolutely. Problem is, you did it AFTER you'd slept with him, you need to do that before sex imo. Part of the reason you're hurting so much is that women literally bond and form an attachment to men during sex, it's Oxytocin, it's biology and you can't fight that. It's the reason that most FWB's end badly, with one participant, usually the woman, unable to remain detached and non committal.

I do think though, that you did push too much. You chased him and that likely put him off a bit. Would you really have palmed your son off to a babysitter when you only see him four days a month? Really? You suggested catching up for a bite to eat the following week, when he was seemingly ok with that, you should have left it there...if he wanted to see you he would have followed up. But you chased him again and he knocked you back. Men like to set the pace (generally, not always), let him lead the relationship. I know it's old fashioned, but it works x

I say this with love, please take it in the spirit in which it is given xx
 

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Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.

The part about giving up time with your child, which seems to be in short supply, to spend time with him makes me think that maybe you should rethink your priorities at the moment. If you don't value what you have, what do you have to offer someone coming into your life?

It's an easy trap to fall into I think. To give your all straight up. I think we need to reserve some of ourselves and keep some things constant. If you're going back on the dating scene, maybe you need to sit down and write out some ground rules for yourself. Whatever feels right to you from advice, books, experience, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #64
Hi all- I need to clarify something as I’m not sure where it’s coming from or if it got mis read.

My son was with his dad the whole month of June/July. I have full custody of him and his dad sees him every other weekend. (The 2 months summer)

With that being said.... when the guy and I took thIs trip- we did as we knew it would be busy as I would get my boy and he would go see his or of town for bdays.

It was 3 weeks after our trip that I didn’t see him. Now- we work in education at different campuses. Not far from each other either.

If he was interested in more than what he wanted, he would’ve seen me- after work quick dinner, lunch etc. my son is 15 so he can stay at home while I go out for an hour.

I now see how he should’ve been pursuing instead of me. Maybe I did push.... but honestly, if he was in it to win it- he would’ve put forth effort.

I just wanted to clarify I never put him over my son.

I appreciate all the advice. It’s helpful and opens my eyes, as they got blinded.
 

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Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.

Being 6 weeks with someone, who is a grown-up and who is supposed to already have had life-time experience, is not too soon to be asking for exclusivity, unless there have been prior talks that both people are multi-dating other people at the same time.

With age and experience, you already know since the 1st or 2nd date if that person is worth it or not! It's like ...that gut feeling, the subconscious voice within that tells you "oh....he's great!" or "nah....he's not really worth it".

At the same time, just as regular dating is important, it's also important how one behaves in-between dates. Do they write/ask "how you doing?" or "How's your day?" etc. Here you can sense if someone's really into you or not.

This quoted reaction right here.....would've been a red-flag for me!
About a month and half in- I asked us to be exclusive. He said I don’t have a line of women, and there isn’t anyone else. Guess that meant ok! Plus he said he wasn’t surprised cause I always wanted to see him etc.
Him saying he doesn't have a line of women waiting means "Yeah, as long as I don't have other choices ...yeah ok, we can be exclusive. Otherwise, I wouldn't even consider being exclusive with you because who knows....the grass could be greener on the other side! " :wink2:

That answer alone, would be a turn-off for me and I would HIGHLY question his intentions to give exclusivity a try. His answer wasn't something like "Oh yeah sure! We can because I really really like you!!!" but instead, he chose you because he had no better/other options. So you were just an option, not a choice, OP!

I would've cut it right there but on the other hand, (just like the others said before) be thankful that he was upfront with you and told you how he felt. He didn't waste your time!!!
 

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I wonder if you are looking in the wrong places for the type of man you want?
 

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He cuddled and did relationship things. He always went down on me and never questioned it lol I know most men don’t do that unless they really like you.

He confused me with his actions and words.
A lot of men supposedly reserve cunnilingus for relationships, not a ONS. But if you are FWB or FB, I would assume that’s generally done.
 

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Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.

A lot of men supposedly reserve cunnilingus for relationships, not a ONS. But if you are FWB or FB, I would assume that’s generally done.
Seems a bit odd to me; if you have a talent for such things, wouldn’t you want to put it on display? I have no experience in the ONS but unless I was extremely confident in my PIV orgasm skills, why wouldn’t I? Especially if I hadn’t ruled out the possibility this could be more than a ONS I suppose.
 

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Discussion Starter #69 (Edited)
The sex was good obviously. It just felt different- not the typical FB where it’s hit it and quit it. He always wanted to hold me asleep. So I felt connected. Maybe it is normal for some who knows. It’s over and I’m moving on. I will enjoy whatever we had. Plus- he’s back on the dating site. Looking for another sex buddy. Good luck jackal
 

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Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.

So all the cuddling, laughing, having fun as in vibeing in every way possible was a lie? He told me he likes my sense of adventure, my humor, I was beautiful and that we complemented one another in such a good way.

Maybe I was blinded. I thought that’s what men wanted- someone that was good looking and had a brain and meshed well with them.
He told me how many women were rude, couldn’t hold an intelligent convo etc. I was a rarity and boom I’m out. Just like that
Listen, I get that you are hurt about all of this, and left saying WTF??? I get it. I have had a few like that.

But this whole thing sounds like he really enjoyed you and liked you and in all of that he allowed himself to get closer that he wanted. I am guessing his feelings actually started to get strong for you.

Now, you may be saying "Yeah, then why did he dump me"...

This whole thing could be as simple as he did not want to get THAT serious with anyone... And some people, not just guys are like that.

I really think that you are being hard on yourself that you did something wrong or were not good enough, but actually I think it had almost nothing to do with you in a bad way at all...
 

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Discussion Starter #71
@BluesPower- I think he did enjoy me, and for whatever reason, won’t allow it to get serious. It sucks.
I feel saddened by it all. Yes, he’s on an online dating site, but could be a distraction so he doesn’t have to deal I dunno.

It’s very hard to mesh and have a encounter where things flow. Our witty banter was out of this world!

Thank you for your words. 🙂
 

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Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.

He obviously doesn’t know what he wants. I saw him back on the dating site again, so yes that tells me that we are NOT on the same page.

@Sue4473 sorry you went through this. I've had some male friends that behave rather odd when dating and now that I am older and look back I'll offer you this advice...

Sometimes people get into very serious relationships and at some point they loose themselves to this relationship. Something bad happens and it ends. The result is a man that has no idea who he is, is hurting a great deal, and does not know how to be alone. And the following relationships (often euphoric) are just rebound after rebound after rebound. Some guys recover and learn who they are, and others just meander through life carrying a painful void and not knowing who they are.

So, how do you tell the difference in a man that is motivated to be with you because he is in pain and trying to fill a void versus someone that just genuinely enjoys being with you? One will be kind and adorable mostly to get to have sex with you. The other will be kind and adorable mostly because he got to have sex with you. May feel and look the exact same, but those are two very different things! Is there a way to test this before having sex? I'm not sure, but I will share some personal experience....

I used to get upset with myself in college as I would really be all into certain people. Once I got what I wanted I could not stand to be around them. This was very emotionally upsetting for me to feel that way. I can't explain it because I felt like I was around two different people. One version was adorable before sex and the other version I almost could not stand to be around after sex. So I discovered that when dating that if I masturbated (excessively) before going out that it had the same effect. I would be like, "oh wow, I really have no motivation to go out with this person now." After doing this test, I found one person that I super enjoyed being around her when I was in this state and had no desire for sex remaining. We are still together now decades later!

It feels awkward saying it that way, but I thought I would share in case you find that helpful.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Re: Hey all- can’t seem to keep one.

@BluesPower- I think he did enjoy me, and for whatever reason, won’t allow it to get serious. It sucks.
I feel saddened by it all. Yes, he’s on an online dating site, but could be a distraction so he doesn’t have to deal I dunno.

It’s very hard to mesh and have a encounter where things flow. Our witty banter was out of this world!

Thank you for your words.
I get you. And yes, he is probably trying to forget you, or distract.

Try not to let this one that fell apart ruin you, or your outlook.

It took me a string of women, before I actually wanted another relationship, and I did hurt some women. Not intentionally, but when I realized I was getting too deep and did not want to, I ended it.

And even when I did get to the relationship mindset, I had several of those go bad, for whatever reason that I am not even sure of in some of them.

Hell, I am still dealing with two exes that I am trying to distance from...

Just give yourself a break, when it is right it will be right, and even then it will not be perfect, no relationship ever is...
 

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He wanted a relationship without obligation. His reply to you wanting to go exclusive was that he didn't have a line of women so at the time he saw no issues but probably when he realized you were looking at time together to get closer he more than likely became scarred. Had you not posed the "exclusive" question you would be in unknown territory and he, in his mind, would have his freedom, whether he had plans to see anyone else or not. So you have your answer and I would leave it at that. Personally I do not ask the man to become exclusive, I wait for him to ask because I want to know from his own mouth and his own thoughts that he wants this. Even at that there is no guarantees but I do feel women rush into wanting more before really knowing the man.
 

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FTR- I ask for exclusivity after a 2nd date (that is sometimes after sex, sometimes before). If they don't want to do that, that's ok, we just aren't compatible.

Dating isn't about trying to mold yourself and a partner into working together. If you aren't on the same page, you aren't compatible. Keep looking. No biggie.
 

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Discussion Starter #76
@BluesPower and @badsanta

Thank you for your words!
Today was better, and I know each day thereafter will be as well.
The right one that knows what he wants and isn’t afraid will happen when it’s suppose to.

😊😊
 

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From a single man's perspective (which I was, for a little while... in between marriages):

1. Having a great fun and sexy time with a gal.
2. She poses the idea of entering into a strictly monogamous relationship.
3. Immediately after posing the idea, life gets in the way and the sexiness stops.
4. While separated, man has time to reflect on what is probably in his near future. Weeks at a time of no-sex, no-fun life. Putting kids and job first. A woman asking me where I am and what I'm doing. Nagging. Stress. Less "me" time. Less fun and sexy time. He's completely turned off by this point.

For a single guy, the fun and sexy single life is completely intoxicating. It's the fun without all that soul-sucking comfort and boredom that can often happen with a monogamous relationship. You can't fathom the energy and vitality that brief glimpse of the good life gave him. Then you (and life in general) smacked him upside the head with reality.
 

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Let men make the majority of the plans. I can always tell if someone is into me by the effort they put in. But sometimes women are constantly reaching out and constantly making plans that we don’t realize that they aren’t the ones putting in effort and it’s hard for us to see that they aren’t really into us.
 

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Discussion Starter #79
Yes it’s funny how I see things clearly after the “fog”. There were times that I would have to ask to get together. Now I think- wait a minute! The man is suppose to ask me 🤨

I guess you wrapped up and lose sight of what is really happening.
It is what it is, and I walk away learning about myself somehow.

Kind of a reflection I guess? Not that I did anything wrong, but why I blame myself when this happens. I shouldn’t be. At my age, I should be able to express my wants and needs so I don’t waste my time.
Luckily, I found out in 2 months.

Best,

Sue
 

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This isn't related to dating per se, but there's a great book written for women that might hit a chord with you. It's called The Dance Of Anger.
 
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