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He's selfish? or I'm overbearing?

2316 Views 7 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Goswife
WARNING - This is lengthy but it gives all the backstory you need to understand the situation.

Here's a little background:
Married almost 9yrs, 2 kids.

We've both been at our current employers since we met, I in a corporate setting, him in a warehouse setting.
My job is mentally stressful (been known to be in tears often enough), his is physically stressful (caused back issues that he is receiving medical attention for).

We filed bankruptcy towards the beginning of our marriage and continued bad spending habits after, never rebuilding our credit, just digging back into debt and making bad decisions. So here we are years later finally ready to correct the financial situation.

I have been the main breadwinner for several years now, even picking up a direct sales job that I love and have been grandly successful with. He works 3 12hrs on the weekends and stays with our children the rest of the week. At least twice a month he calls out from work, even if there's no time to cover it and we have to lose pay.

I feel like I work really hard, all the time and miss out on time with my kids because I have to carry us through. I am guilty of bad spending habits too, but am ready to be out of this rut and really fix our finances this time.

Step out of this story a little...about 2 months ago, he decided he wanted to be a car salesman part time in addition to his current job to help out with the money. My main concerns were:
1. He wouldn't make enough to cover what childcare would cost, making this pointless.
2. It would kill him. He only works 3 days and is tired the rest of the week...and now he wants to add more?
Finally this all came to rest when he found out he would have to work Saturdays, conflicting with his current job, so this idea went away thank goodness.

Well, now that we are getting ready to file bankruptcy again, he tells me that once it's done he's quitting his job to sell cars and that's it. No discussion. This is going to cut his pay in HALF.

I feel like this is the worst time to plan a crazy scheme like this...when we need to rebuild. Not to mention we'll have to find other insurance, add childcare to the budget, etc.

I understand that he is unhappy in his job, I'm miserable at mine but that doesn't mean I can walk out! I feel like this is a huge mistake for our family and like he's being selfish. I love this man, but it's really upsetting that he so non-chalantly can put his wants ahead of our needs.

I'm not here to bash my husband, I'm just at a loss.
I'd just like some outside opinions on this...advice welcome...especially from men!
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Thoughts of changing my job would have to be put on the back-burner. Responsibilities come 1st.
If after a couple years of getting thing right and it could be afforded then I might think about it.

I work on commission and it's not all gravy. In fact not having a set pay is damn stressful and you are in constant work mode to make sure you make all you can.

Have you told him how miserable you are at your job?
He's very aware of my misery. It's only been really bad the last 4-5yrs and he's usually very supportive when I come home crying...
He's very aware of my misery. It's only been really bad the last 4-5yrs and he's usually very supportive when I come home crying...
After you get your financial affairs in order maybe both of you could find work that's less stressful?

Ask if he can stick it out for at least 2 yrs.
Being a new salesman he will get the scraps... the more established ones will take what they want .

Sales is not a 9-5 job. I know car salesmen who put in 12 hrs a day, especially during sales events and holiday specials.
He will find he is putting in a lot more hrs then he is used to.
no it's pretty selfish of him - my ex started working a commission based job after he gave up something relatively well paid and it was a bloody nightmare, especially when the economy isn't exactly thriving

coupled with your spending habits it's a recipe for disaster - the resentment will only grow. I love my job and thank god because it was the only thing that allowed us to keep our head above water, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I'd hated it

sorry but your H needs to grow up and take care of his business...
Hmmm This sounds exactly like my situation. Husband with job swtiching, back problems, calling into work and me being the bread winner, working a full time and 2 part time to make up for him and our spending habits. Wondering myself what to do. Was thinking divorce because I think my girls and I can make it and it would get them away from the fighting and the cruel words. Might make him stand on his own two feet for awhile, but then again it might bite me in the butt and make me more miserable. Let me know how you work yours out....
If it cut his pay in half would he need to take days off because of his back?

Maybe he is getting out of it because his current job is killing him.
Outside of this, overall, he's a great guy. Because of his weekend shift he's always been at home 4 days a week with the kids, most of the guys that work with him have their kids in daycare instead of keeping them the other 4 days. I really don't want this to lead to a split, but I won't lie, I've done the math and I can make it work if it comes to it. I'm not all that excited about quiting this job BUT at this point I'm over that part of it and more concerned about the job he is moving to. It's always been an issue to find another because of the paycut, adding childcare, etc. So I asked the other day, since all of that is going to be happening anyway, has he considered looking for a more traditional job instead of car sales. He can be an SMT operator for a very reputable company with good benefits, and he even enjoyed that job when he did it many years ago.

He said he just really wants to try this.
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