He's not 'in love' with me anymore - any hope?

5309 Views 17 Replies 16 Participants Last post by Woodchuck, Mar 31, 2013

BicMarkit

Discussion Starter · Nov 4, 2012

My H and I have been fighting a lot lately, and we are both not doing things for each other anymore at home, and their is no sex life.
We're going to MC now for a few months, but problems seem to come back full circle once we make any progress. We had a conversation lately that started because he and I were talking about how we both don't want to make an effort for the other. he says he's not 'in love' with me anymore. He still loves me as his first love but...
When someone says this, is there really any hope?
I think I feel the same way with him too, that I'm no longer in love.

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timeforchange

· #2 · Nov 4, 2012

May be it's time to call it a day. It's hard to tell what more there is your story and any other commitments but if there aren't any other underlying things keeping you together, what hope are you hanging on to?

I think it's ok to love someone but if what you want is the feeling that you are "in love" like perhaps you used to in the beginning that's something else. If neither of you can be bothered to make an effort, as much as I'd like to sugar coat it, what is there to stay for? Only you can answer that.

It may be hard to read and trust me I know how you feel. I went for a long time of "hoping" until that died. Maybe it will take a little while of hope keeping you comfort before you are able to make a decision. I can only wish that whatever you decide, that decision works for you. Good luck and take care of you x

Reactions: 2

helpwanted

· #3 · Nov 4, 2012

timeforchange said:
May be it's time to call it a day. It's hard to tell what more there is your story and any other commitments but if there aren't any other underlying things keeping you together, what hope are you hanging on to?

I think it's ok to love someone but if what you want is the feeling that you are "in love" like perhaps you used to in the beginning that's something else. If neither of you can be bothered to make an effort, as much as I'd like to sugar coat it, what is there to stay for? Only you can answer that.

It may be hard to read and trust me I know how you feel. I went for a long time of "hoping" until that died. Maybe it will take a little while of hope keeping you comfort before you are able to make a decision. I can only wish that whatever you decide, that decision works for you. Good luck and take care of you x

Totally Agree. Awesome advice.:iagree:

Serif

· #4 · Nov 16, 2012

So many people get frustrated when they no longer feel "in love" like at the beginning. I will blame that on the unreal image media has created in regards to relationships. The fact of the matter is this: those feelings CAN'T last very long, you'll fry your brain. That romantic, in love, intensity isn't just emotional, it's chemical. It typically lasts about 12-18 months, sometimes up to 36. But having that drug continually pump into your brain will eventually short-circuit it.
I am convinced that true love isn't what you feel, it's what you choose. I choose my wife. I will stubbornly pursue good for her. The feelings wax and wane. Sometimes she's my passionate lover, sometimes my best friend, sometimes a pain in the ass. Emotions change, basing your marriage and its success purely on emotions is as foolish as a grown man sucking a bottle, it comforted him greatly once, but now it would just be creepy.

Cheers!

Reactions: 5

naga75

· #5 · Nov 16, 2012

Serif said:
I am convinced that true love isn't what you feel, it's what you choose. I choose my wife. The feelings wax and wane. Sometimes she's my passionate lover, sometimes my best friend, sometimes a pain in the ass. Emotions change, basing your marriage and its success purely on emotions is as foolish as a grown man sucking a bottle, it comforted him greatly once, but now it would just be creepy.

Cheers!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Reactions: 3

MattMatt

· #6 · Nov 16, 2012

What is he? 18? Good Lord!

Reactions: 2

Nomads

· #7 · Nov 18, 2012

Serif said:
So many people get frustrated when they no longer feel "in love" like at the beginning. I will blame that on the unreal image media has created in regards to relationships. The fact of the matter is this: those feelings CAN'T last very long, you'll fry your brain. That romantic, in love, intensity isn't just emotional, it's chemical. It typically lasts about 12-18 months, sometimes up to 36. But having that drug continually pump into your brain will eventually short-circuit it.
I am convinced that true love isn't what you feel, it's what you choose. I choose my wife. I will stubbornly pursue good for her. The feelings wax and wane. Sometimes she's my passionate lover, sometimes my best friend, sometimes a pain in the ass. Emotions change, basing your marriage and its success purely on emotions is as foolish as a grown man sucking a bottle, it comforted him greatly once, but now it would just be creepy.

Cheers!

You must been married for such a loooooong time, if not century

. Gazillion(SSS) agree with you sir :smthumbup:

Bobby5000

· #8 · Feb 7, 2013

I suppose I would try some nice things, get back into a sex life, and try to make the marriage work. There is a good chance he will respond in kind, doing nice things for you. Do you really want to get divorced.

Wiltshireman

· #9 · Feb 7, 2013

OP
It may be that your Husband is confussing "in love with" and "lusting for".

At the start of our relationships they can be very driven by lust and desire but these are not enough for long term success, in some people this physical desire deminishes with time/ age / familiarity. We can get into the rut of taking each other forgranted, we stop saying please and thank you let alone I love you.

From what you have possed here there does not seem to have been anything that would stop you making your relationship worth IF you are both prepared to put in the effort.

Aunt Ava

· #10 · Feb 7, 2013

How long have you been married? How much time do you spend together...focused time, not watching tv, or on the computer in the same room. Marriage does take effort, the relationship needs nourishment.

You can turn it around, to paraphrase...be the change you want to see in others. Make the loving gestures, show appreciation, give him extra TLC. Plan some fun dates, make his favorite dinners. Hopefully, he will begin to respond in kind.

Yes, there is always hope until someone throws in the towel. In the meantime, I suggest you both read "His Need, Her Needs".

Reactions: 2

MattMatt

· #11 · Feb 26, 2013

BicMarkit said:
My H and I have been fighting a lot lately, and we are both not doing things for each other anymore at home, and their is no sex life.
We're going to MC now for a few months, but problems seem to come back full circle once we make any progress. We had a conversation lately that started because he and I were talking about how we both don't want to make an effort for the other. he says he's not 'in love' with me anymore. He still loves me as his first love but...
When someone says this, is there really any hope?
I think I feel the same way with him too, that I'm no longer in love.

Yes; there's almost always hope.

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strugglinghusband

· #12 · Feb 26, 2013

“There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when it’s convenient. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.” – Kenneth Blanchard

Are you both commited to your marriage?

southern

· #13 · Mar 5, 2013

Serif said:
So many people get frustrated when they no longer feel "in love" like at the beginning. I will blame that on the unreal image media has created in regards to relationships. The fact of the matter is this: those feelings CAN'T last very long, you'll fry your brain. That romantic, in love, intensity isn't just emotional, it's chemical. It typically lasts about 12-18 months, sometimes up to 36. But having that drug continually pump into your brain will eventually short-circuit it.
I am convinced that true love isn't what you feel, it's what you choose. I choose my wife. I will stubbornly pursue good for her. The feelings wax and wane. Sometimes she's my passionate lover, sometimes my best friend, sometimes a pain in the ass. Emotions change, basing your marriage and its success purely on emotions is as foolish as a grown man sucking a bottle, it comforted him greatly once, but now it would just be creepy.

Cheers!

:iagree:

The above is so true...we live in a world today were people don't try and "fix" things they just want to "throw it away" so to speak and get a new one.

daisygirl 41

· #14 · Mar 21, 2013

Ok I'll bite, when a spouse gives the ilybnilwy speech it's often a sign that there is an affair going on.
Are you at all concerned that this might be the case?
Any signs?
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DaddyLongShanks

· #15 · Mar 21, 2013

"In Love" really means a high level of lust and attraction.

"Love" is a different thing, and someone can not love you enough to be faithful to you...

Reactions: 1

AllisonJameson

· #16 · Mar 23, 2013

When I read this thread I almost had a flashback. This is almost exactly what happened to me in the past. My husband told me he didn't love me, and I was shocked to hear that. I suspected an affair, but it turned out that my suspicion was unfounded. We were able to save our marriage. Don't give up just yet. Usually there is hope, give it a try. Have you guys seen a marriage counselor yet?

Woodchuck

· #17 · Mar 27, 2013

BicMarkit said:
My H and I have been fighting a lot lately, and we are both not doing things for each other anymore at home, and their is no sex life.
We're going to MC now for a few months, but problems seem to come back full circle once we make any progress. We had a conversation lately that started because he and I were talking about how we both don't want to make an effort for the other. he says he's not 'in love' with me anymore. He still loves me as his first love but...
When someone says this, is there really any hope?
I think I feel the same way with him too, that I'm no longer in love.

There is hope.

I was in the same boat as you. The marriage was sexless, fights, disrespect, F-bombs thrown in my face almost daily, negative attitude, just a total marital hell.....I typed up our states divorce laws, left them on her placemat, and walked....I came back in a few hours, BIG FIGHT....We decided we had too much invested in our marriage to divorce, we needed help....
Someone suggested the book "The 5 Love Languages"...I bought it that day. I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts

If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will see the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

My advise is get the book, do the program with your husband. Practice it for a couple of months, and see if your marriage and feelings about each other aren't improved ....All you have to loose is 10 bucks....

good luck
the woodchuck

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Woodchuck

· #18 · Mar 31, 2013

BicMarkit said:
My H and I have been fighting a lot lately, and we are both not doing things for each other anymore at home, and their is no sex life.
We're going to MC now for a few months, but problems seem to come back full circle once we make any progress. We had a conversation lately that started because he and I were talking about how we both don't want to make an effort for the other. he says he's not 'in love' with me anymore. He still loves me as his first love but...
When someone says this, is there really any hope?
I think I feel the same way with him too, that I'm no longer in love.

My wife was in a depression over loosing 2 sisters. No love, no respect, no sex, just fights...
I told my wife I missed the intimacy, and she almost scoffed at me...She was hostile, negative, and flew into rages....I finally said I was thinking about geting a divorce......

It seemed like we both had a moment of clarity...We both knew we had too much invested in our marriage to just quit...It was then that we did the 5 Love Languages program. The results were astonishing...The change wasn't so much in my wife, as in me....

I realised how much I really loved her, and started showing that love more...The result is that she has blossomed into a warm loving sexual woman...The one I married 47 years ago.

We have long leasurely sessions of cuddling, talking, and making love like honeymooners.....She reads my TAM posts behind my back, and I recently wrote about how turned on I was about her perfume and silky blouse she wore...Yesterday she unpacked her silky lingere.......

Was it worth the effort? You tell me...

I will say that the book is not the key. There are a dozen or more books out there that would probably work as well...The real key is that BOTH partners want to make the committment to love each other....If you are both willing to love each other, buy the book, get a motel room for a week end and have a mini marriage retreat.

It changed our marriage, and it could save yours...

good luck
the woodchuck

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