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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So my story is long but anyway... We have been separated for over a year and I asked him to move out of our house last July due to him not breaking off an EA with an old flame.

The past few months hes been very attentive, taking me out on dates, wanting to spend time with me. He has even stayed over after family days together and slept in the spare room. I have suspected he has been seeing a new woman, because my son has told me she's daddy's "friend". My husband knows my firm boundary: no other women or forget it. He has sworn left and right he does not have a girlfriend. I've asked him point blank about her he says he just knows her from church years ago. (Way before we met).

Last week I find out this woman has posted some very cozy pics of her and him on her facebook - of their weekend away. Posted LAST WEEK. She refers to him as her sweetheart and how she's in love.

I confronted him he said he is not in a relationship with her and has told her he does not want a relationship. I asked him why is he still seeing her and he said he didn't know why. Then he said he didn't want to give her up until he knew if our relationship was going to work out.

He has not really made any effort to see if our relationship will work! Dates here and there where we have gotten along great and had a great time. He has made comments alluding to our future together a lot.

TODAY: After spending yesterday together and a nice date last night, he comes over today and says he wants to talk. This is what he says:

- I"m sorry I've hurt you but I have got to let you go. I like you and still love you but this is not going to work.

- You'll never forgive me for what I've done.

- Do whatever you need to do to let me go.

Yada yada yada. I said ok. Then he left.

I dig a bit deeper and find out he's been seeing her all along. And it seems EVERYONE knows about it except me. I feel so humiliated and lied to. Who does this to someone? Who can string their wife along like this and be so devious and lie? As for the POS woman, what the heck? He's still a married man.

I feel sick inside. I feel so betrayed and I feel like a fool. I still loved him and I wanted to make things right.
 

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. You do not need to feel humiliated. He should. I am just starting this journey, so I don't have much to offer, but I wanted you to know, someone heard you tonight.
 

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How can you make things right? He has to make them right.

You can contact him and tell him that he has one chance to end his relationship with her and do what is needed. Otherwise you are moving on. But do you think you can trust him? Will he do what is needed?

You know about the 180. It's time for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Have you exposed the affair?
Everyone knows anyway. I found out today he's been taking her to his family gatherings, work functions, the whole kabang. All I know about her is she is a widow and she has a small child.

Don't I look like an idiot.

How can I make things right? I CAN'T. His actions are completely out of my control. I feel sick and disgusted at what he's done. Same ol' story as everyone else on TAM - he is not the sweet loving man I married.

Ironically just last night over dinner we were talking about a workmate who was dishonest and he expressed disdain for this person. Amazing...

I want to know why would he even bother dating me and talking about our future if he;s had the bimbo all along? Why bother? Is it some sort of sadistic cruel act to hurt me even more?
 

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He kept both of you on a string because it's better to have two women to meet his needs than one woman to meet his needs. He has been purely selfish.
 

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Everyone knows anyway. I found out today he's been taking her to his family gatherings, work functions, the whole kabang. All I know about her is she is a widow and she has a small child.

Don't I look like an idiot.

How can I make things right? I CAN'T. His actions are completely out of my control. I feel sick and disgusted at what he's done. Same ol' story as everyone else on TAM - he is not the sweet loving man I married.

Ironically just last night over dinner we were talking about a workmate who was dishonest and he expressed disdain for this person. Amazing...

I want to know why would he even bother dating me and talking about our future if he;s had the bimbo all along? Why bother? Is it some sort of sadistic cruel act to hurt me even more?


He was weighing his odds...pros and cons...looking at his life if he were to permanently go into this direction or stay in that...he's a dooshbag...a user. Sounds like he just had to get on the verge of 'making up his mind'...

Do you want to stop looking like an idiot? (as you say you do)

Let me tell you how to do that...


Make it up for him...permanently.. enough already....your not his yo yo... get your self respect back and serve him immediately...do nothing else but SLAP HIM with filing...serioulsy.. get him served as in... NOW... in the next 3 days type thing... serve him... stop playing his game...

You need to decide you've had enough and act on it...what more is there to do? What more is there to wait for? What life is this? What are you waiting for? What would you be fighting for?

Is there a 'choice' to be made here? Are you really going to subject yourself to this? This is crap girl... SERVE HIS AZZ NOW! Change the locks...180 his face all up and down the street and take control...assert yourself...

...and friggin GO SHOPPING AND BUY YOURSELF SOME NEW STUFF!!!!!!

Color your hair too... different that what it has been...do something dramatic and don't bat another eye at him...do this for yourself...and let him 'watch you' move on...with papers...and a new life...

He will look like a lieing cheating idiot...it's up to you how you deal with this...
 

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You don't look like an idiot. He looks like a sleazeball. You said everyone knows. Perhaps the exposure you should do now, is to let everyone know that YOU know, and that YOU will not be treated that disrespectfully by anyone. Sympathies will shift to you.
You have nothing to "work on" with this guy. He lies, lies, lies, about your feeling, his feelings, his actions. This is the worst, and you will be stronger when its ended.
 
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I can understand how u feel. My ow is divorcee with 2 kids and older than my stbxh. But he still choose to be with her.

Tomo I serving him once I get my paper work sign. U have to get him served as well cause he know if he choose her, u will be fighting for him. This stroke his fxxking ego.
If he choose u, she will leave immediately.
So which is the best choice for him?

Just served him!
 

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I agree with Pluto2, he looks like a jerk. You don't appear to be an idiot. Expose the affair by acknowledging it to those that knew. Society will support you. Nobody likes to hear about someone being betrayed. John and Kate plus 8 is a perfect example. She treated him like crap, yet when he had an affair he became the disgusting person.
Use your friends and family for support. Get educated about your feelings and experience by continuing to post and reading everything with an open mind. The book (as recommended to me by Acabado) 'NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, Ph. D. Has been very helpful for me.
My husband's affair was discovered by me a little over a month ago and everything is still raw. But I have found that the more I talk through my emotions and face my fears, the more at peace I am with my decisions.
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I agree with exposing as well. Do you really think he was honest with all of those people about where you guys stood? That he was dating you and possibly going to work on the marriage? No, of course not. Those types of men need to look good in the eyes of all. Which means not looking like a cheater. So he probably bad mouthed you to make you the cause of the end of the marriage to everyone else. That is why he is comfortable bringing her around them already.

File for divorce and expose what you can. Then go dark on him. He doesn't deserve any of your time. I just can't believe some people and how they can blatantly lie to your face yet act "so nice". My ex did similar crap and alls I have to say is I am so glad he is someone else's problem now.

Cheater's lie so don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. His actions speak volumes. The truth always comes out in the end and thats what they don't realize. Always, no matter what. I'm sorry he wasn't man enough to just be honest with you. It would have saved you alot of heartache. He's such a jerk :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Made an appointment to see a divorce attorney today. Appt is Wednesday afternoon. Time to get this show on the road.

You can't change people, and I believe that people don't change. They only act like they are changing.

The lies and deceit is what is the worst for me.

I take solace that at least I can exit this marriage with my head held high. I was faithful, truthful and loving right to the end. My son will see his mommy is a decent person who cherished her family.

My STBXH can't even come close to saying the same.
 

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So my story is long but anyway... We have been separated for over a year and I asked him to move out of our house last July due to him not breaking off an EA with an old flame.

The past few months hes been very attentive, taking me out on dates, wanting to spend time with me. He has even stayed over after family days together and slept in the spare room. I have suspected he has been seeing a new woman, because my son has told me she's daddy's "friend". My husband knows my firm boundary: no other women or forget it. He has sworn left and right he does not have a girlfriend. I've asked him point blank about her he says he just knows her from church years ago. (Way before we met).

Last week I find out this woman has posted some very cozy pics of her and him on her facebook - of their weekend away. Posted LAST WEEK. She refers to him as her sweetheart and how she's in love.

I confronted him he said he is not in a relationship with her and has told her he does not want a relationship. I asked him why is he still seeing her and he said he didn't know why. Then he said he didn't want to give her up until he knew if our relationship was going to work out.

He has not really made any effort to see if our relationship will work! Dates here and there where we have gotten along great and had a great time. He has made comments alluding to our future together a lot.

TODAY: After spending yesterday together and a nice date last night, he comes over today and says he wants to talk. This is what he says:

- I"m sorry I've hurt you but I have got to let you go. I like you and still love you but this is not going to work.

- You'll never forgive me for what I've done.

- Do whatever you need to do to let me go.

Yada yada yada. I said ok. Then he left.

I dig a bit deeper and find out he's been seeing her all along. And it seems EVERYONE knows about it except me. I feel so humiliated and lied to. Who does this to someone? Who can string their wife along like this and be so devious and lie? As for the POS woman, what the heck? He's still a married man.

I feel sick inside. I feel so betrayed and I feel like a fool. I still loved him and I wanted to make things right.
First off you need to realize what he said to you did not reflect his true intentions. He did enjoy spending time with you, but as the case with most cheaters they like to stay on the fence between two lovers and pretend one action or another is going to make their decision to stay or go for them. It wasn't your fault, you didn't know the psychology behind his strange interactions with you.

Now onto the good stuff!

If you want him back there is only one way you do it, and realize you have very little room left to screw things up with jealousy and possesiveness. Here's the long and short of how it can be done. Basically, you're going to start your 180 with him all over again where you first tell him these three things.

1. You agree with his decision to leave you.

2. You would like to work things out, but it's a lost cause.

3. You support his decision and won't fight this divorce anymore.


Those three things work like magic if you say them at the right time. Usually, you need to wait and go completely dark for about 2 full weeks before you decide to leave this message on his voice mail, and you absolutely have to seem indifferent about this. Just pretend you're opting out of a family get together.... You are a little dissappointed in yourself but you're not crying your eyes out over this. You can say it however you like but do not, I repeat DO NOT mention his girlfriend, your marriage, or anything you think might upset him. You want to start getting him to associate you with positive feelings instead of nagging and guilttripping him over his affair.

Now, while you're waiting to give him that breif message you need to practice emotionally detaching yourself from him and getting control of your anger. Believe me, he's going to try to piss you off on purpose to make himself feel better because seeing you happy will make him feel guilty and a little ashamed. So get a grip or else.

The way your new 180 is going to work is like nothing you've ever read in books or inaccurate MC advice. You're going to take a page out of the cheater's handbook and urge him to be with her whenever he's with you. But to get to that stage where he actually wants to see you, you're going to go dark until the dust settles after you give him the three lines from above for about 90 days. That's 90 days of you not calling him, not texting him, and not emailing, or IM'ing him at all. You will return phone calls but a day or so later whenever you feel like it and using as little words as possible.

Once you get to the point where he wants to make excuses to see you again, and he will trust me, keep the conversations as light as possible and focus the topics on things that will make him happy. Do not under any circumstance let him stay sround for any longer than a couple hours if you want to avoid fights. Eventually, and this is a long time away, you're going to find he's wanting to escape her and tell you about his problems. When that happens you turn the tables on the OW by telling him he needs to go to her and work things out with her.

Naturally, when this fails because she's either jealous of you or growing more and more possessive, using sex as a complicated reward system.... He's going to come back even stronger. When you reach a point where you can stand to be around him for casual lunches every other week or so, or about 2-4hrs without wanting to murder him, you're right on track again. This will work out in your favor if you can keep treating him kindly but pushing him away whenever he tries to get too close too fast.

All in all a good 90% of the time the OW is going to freaking lose her mind over losing him and ramp up the "hoovering" techniques to suck him back in even stronger. Increased sex, more affection, more idealization and things like that. Don't you worry just let him go to her and come back a few weeks later when he finds out she's going to emotionally abuse him for defying her. From that point on you can contact a few on here who have successfully reconciled and see for your self what happens next.... He will only take so much of that before he leaves her or get's trapped into pregnancy and marries her. If tha latter happens that sucks for him, but with the former you've pretty much got it made aside form a restraining order for her if the OW get's out of hand.

Remember, you're going to treat him like an ex and keep encouraging him to go back to her. It also helps to stroke his ego a little and tell him how he's a great guy and she must really love him if she's so jealous - things like that. Pretty much agree with his ego so will stop bashing you and tell him what he wants to hear from you. He won't catch on and he will leave her faster because he will throw everything he has into the affair. The down side is you may end up divorced no matter what you do but hand to God, I swear up and down, you will have a much better divorce with a mostly equal negotiation if you do what I have instructed and treat him kindly but with the same boundaries as before.... Ie no sex with the ex, no kissing, and no encouraging talks about anything negative.
 
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