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He finally said it out loud. I thought having a definite position would make me feel better. It doesn't. I am in agony. She's not my sister or best friend or anything, but this is the worst person he could have done this to me with. In every way. This hurts so bad. We (I) live in an isolated area and he's going to be here while we're in the process of moving in to the city. He told me yesterday that he's definitely not moving in with me. Then he says that he doesn't have definite plans to live with her, but that's the one he wants to live with. So I told him he has to. And now I'm in the most excruciating pain I can imagine. This whole mess has been dragged out for a year as of next month. I should have been more prepared for this. It should hurt less. I can't breathe. I haven't eaten much in days, can't sleep AT ALL...all the typical things....and I don't want my life. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I especially wouldn't do that to my brother. There are people in this world right now who have happy lives and they got sick or in an accident or whatever and they're not going to make it. And they'd give anything for just a little more time. And I....I don't want my life. I always thought we'd be together. I always thought we'd be together.
 

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We lived with neighbors who were doing major renovations in a building where you can hear the other people use the bathroom and the noise caused so much stress and so many problems. That's a whole other story. They finished a couple months ago. Now....the quiet is killing me. All weekend while he was gone. Right now. It is dead silent. I can't listen to music because I can't handle it emotionally. And all the times I prayed for silence, for quiet.....life is just beating the hell out of me. I'd give anything if they'd start remodeling again. I can't stand the silence.
 

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I know this was asked in your previous thread but the reply may have been deleted.

Do you have family or friends to turn to?

Have you no one you can even talk to?

If not please post on here when you feel down, people here may not be able to physically do anything for you but even an online friend can be a comfort.
 

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My heart breaks for you, Miss. Know that a cheater will not be honored by the people, by the cosmos, or by the Lord. This man will regret his poor decision, i promise you. Let us comfort you.
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He finally said it out loud. I thought having a definite position would make me feel better. It doesn't. I am in agony. She's not my sister or best friend or anything, but this is the worst person he could have done this to me with. In every way. This hurts so bad. We (I) live in an isolated area and he's going to be here while we're in the process of moving in to the city. He told me yesterday that he's definitely not moving in with me. Then he says that he doesn't have definite plans to live with her, but that's the one he wants to live with. So I told him he has to. And now I'm in the most excruciating pain I can imagine. This whole mess has been dragged out for a year as of next month. I should have been more prepared for this. It should hurt less. I can't breathe. I haven't eaten much in days, can't sleep AT ALL...all the typical things....and I don't want my life. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I especially wouldn't do that to my brother. There are people in this world right now who have happy lives and they got sick or in an accident or whatever and they're not going to make it. And they'd give anything for just a little more time. And I....I don't want my life. I always thought we'd be together. I always thought we'd be together.
I am so sorry you are here.

But, I agree with highwood and others. Their relationship has but a 3 percent of surviving reality.

In addition, he will eventually be miserable, but pretend he is doing well.

Lastly, people do shun cheaters.

We had a women in our neighborhood who cheated with a married older man with six sons.

People avoid her, both men and women.

Also, now that he is NOT doing so well financially, she is obviously on the make.

She has hit on several neighborhood men and has been complaining about her husband and how much money he spends on his six boys.

He seems miserable and now, like his poor wife likely felt, he feels always on edge and devalued by his young wife. He looks like hell too from the stress of it all.

And, the fact that she is so blatantly sniffing around for an upgrade is really a humiliation to him. Now, I am sure he knows how his wife felt.

Ah the karma bus.
 

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I am sorry that he chose her. But everyone is right, the don't stand a chance in hell.

All the physical and emotional stuff you are experiencing is the same stuff even us that have reconcilied are going through. Yours just might be a little longer. I think you should see your doctor, they might have some medication to help get you through. Also, please contact someone in your family and stay with them. You really need a support system right now.

HUGS
 

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My heart breaks for you, Miss. Know that a cheater will not be honored by the people, by the cosmos, or by the Lord. This man will regret his poor decision, i promise you. Let us comfort you.
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Almost the same thing happened to me. :( It will get better promise.

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I am so sorry you are suffering so much but I am very glad you came back here.

You are suffering through a death of sorts, some say worse than death, and you need to direct your energy at yourself.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Even if just down to the corner. Force yourself to stop sitting there. Start cleaning up, take a shower. Get presentable.

You have to eat something. Doesn't matter what, something.

You are not alone. You have a happy future out there, I swear, but you have to allow it to come to you and not close yourself off from it.

There is this old saying that holds so much good and truth, it is so simple that it is often ignored.

"The best revenge is living well". Live it up girl when you can and while you can't, take good care of yourself.

What is your plan? You staying where you are?

*hugs*
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thank you so much everyone for the replies. Each one has helped and I will most likely re-read them. I'm sorry about the weird post I did the other day. I panicked and got worried....

Well, right now he's here, but we're in separate rooms. I did eat a little bit and showered. So I got that much done. I haven't stopped crying for more than a few minutes, but I'm not letting him see it. He still won't take his ring off. I don't know why. He said he doesn't want to. It doesn't matter and I'm not looking at that with any hope. I'm sticking to what I said and he has to go move in with her. He said out loud that she's the one he wants to live with, just that he hasn't made plans to do it. So I told him to go ahead and I'm going to stick to that. I have to. What it says about me that I don't WANT to stick to it is sickening. But I have to. I really do know that.

We contacted someone to look at a place for me in the city. I want so much to be excited and to look forward to it and to take advantage of the opportunity, but I feel so steamrolled. And all I can do is cry. About the language barrier - I can read in his native language and I actually understand a lot of what people say, but no one understands me very well when I speak and I can't write. So my language skills are horrible, but I'm not completely adrift. There are other Americans here, but I have become so depressed and isolated that I haven't made friends. I know I have to get help. We're looking into me going to the doctor tomorrow. I have a heart condition and there are some anti depressants I'm not supposed to take. I don't remember which.

I just can not believe that it hurts more now. I was waiting and waiting for a definite position. Something. Anything. Just get off the roller coaster. I thought that even hearing the worst would be better than the back and forth and uncertainty. It's not. How is that possible? It should be better.

He went out to the store a while ago before I posted and I watched him walking from the window and it broke my heart. He's not my husband. He's someone else's boyfriend or whatever the hell they are now. And part of me wants to scream in my own ear BE GLAD ABOUT THAT. But I can't. I'm not glad about it at all. I miss him so much already. I miss us. We had gotten so close over the past year. Well, clearly we had not gotten close enough. But we connected and were doing so well. And he ran. Hmmm, the part about he's not my husband (above)....he hasn't been for a long time, I just didn't accept it. He walked out on us a long time ago. And I feel so sad.

Thanks again for the replies. They are lifelines. And I'm sorry for everyone of us going through this nightmare. :(
 

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Ok. I gave this a lot of hard thought before posting because I'm not going to do again what I did the other day by going back and deleting later out of regret. This is very painful, but it plays into a lot of what has happened in my relationship.

I have PTSD. When I was 18 I had an extremely bad experience with a boyfriend. As a result I was single and almost entirely inexperienced until the age 33. I casually dated, but never even had a real boyfriend. This man (my husband - not sure what to call him, we're legally married, but he's moving in with another woman) knows all about this. And I can not understand what is wrong with me that I felt safe with him when he has ended up hurting me so much worse than anyone else. I don't trust myself now. And until now I've sort of blocked it out of my mind and denied exactly how bad it is that he knows all this stuff and is still doing what he's doing. And I don't know why that's not enough to entirely kill my love for him, but it's not. And yes, I'm going to go to a doctor. I've done that before with limited success. Actually, I might consider a Chinese Healer or some other form of non-traditional medicine. I know I most likely need counseling, but that had very limited success for me in the past too. I felt so safe with this man though. This is unbelievable. There's also emotional trauma issues from my childhood (no physical abuse) that match pretty closely what he's doing now that he knows about as well. How have I blocked this out all this time and why do I feel anything but relief that he's going? (No answer needed, I just need to remind myself....).
 

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Picking up, welcome to the site. I am truly sorry that you are here under these circumstances, but generally people in happy marriages never seem to find their way in here.

I completely understand how you put so much into a relationship with one person, only to be repaid with cheating and hurt. I also understand that the pain feels unbearable and like there is no hope of it ever getting any better. I have totally been there.

my wife was the absolute center of my universe. I struggled because I felt like I could not come up with enough ways to worship her... then she cheated on me. I was devastated. I cried so hard that I couldn't even open my eyes. I couldn't get off of the floor and my ears roared so loud that I couldn't sleep. My eye lids hurt from crying so hard. I became the most pathetic and miserable excuse for a man there ever was.

Let me tell you. That does pass on and go away, but only when you go through the process of the grief. There are 5 stages of this grief;

Denial – The person getting broken up with is unable to admit that the relationship is really over.

Anger – When the reality sets in that the relationship is over, it is common to demand to know why they are being broken up with. This phase can make them feel like they are being treated unfairly and it may cause them to become angry at people close to them who want to help aid the situation.

Bargaining – After the anger stage, one will try to plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. Example: “I can change. Please give me a chance”.

Depression – Next the person might feel discouraged that their bargaining plea did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will send the person into the depression stage and can cause a lack of sleep, eating and even disrupt daily life tasks.

Acceptance – Moving on from the situation and person is the last stage. The person accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with their life. The person might not be completely over the situation but they are done going back and forth to the point where they can accept the reality of the situation.

I am still married to the same woman who cheated on me, but she has been replaced at the center of the universe by my kids. She is still in there somewhere, but not nearly in the position she once was in.

You are making the right decision in letting him go and forcing him to live with his decision. This will pass. In the meantime, focus on YOU. Become friends with YOU. Live for YOU. Anytime that anyone places the burden of their happiness on someone else and trusts that that other person will do right by it is headed for disaster. Find your happiness from inside yourself.

I know... there are no words that can make it better. There aren't enough hugs or words of encouragement to ease the pain. You feel as though none of us can possibly understand how it is for you. I know this because almost 3 years ago, I found this site just like you did. And while the caring members here told me the same things we are telling you, I felt like they were full of it. but later, I found out that they were right!

Most of the members from that time have gone silent on this site and moved on with their lives in one way or another, but just know that you are not alone! Sometimes that's what it takes to feel better. Knowing that you are not alone.

Take care of you!
 
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