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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I separated from my husband of 18 years and moved out two month ago. Since that time, he has called me several times a day (in addition to texting and in-person meetings). One day he almost hit 30 calls. No matter what I tell him (that I am filing for divorce by the end of summer/that we are separated/that I am not coming back), he won't listen to me.

He is despondent and depressed, and was this way a bit before I ever said I was leaving him. I don't want to ignore him as I value the friendship we had and hopefully will still have. Plus, we have a little boy and I'm desperate to not have his father crying and wailing in front of him.

He also threatens to show up at my new place under the guise of, "You don't answer your phone and I'm worried that you're okay."

Short of obtaining a court order telling him to stay away (which I don't want to do), what can I do? I think he needs to get back into counseling and I hope if so, that he actually listens to the counselor. I feel so bad, but I can't do this.

Thank you.

MB
 

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I suspect on his side he has people advising him to "fight" for you. After 18 years it would be difficult for many people to accept their marriage is over, especially if he was satisfied with the relationship. Eventually he will accept the situation, especially when you do file and going through the process of answering the petition becomes real. So why are you waiting until the end of summer? If you filed now he would see understand the reality and probably accept it sooner.
 

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Wow. If you have told him repeatedly to stop and he won't, I am not sure what you can do besides taking him to court for harassment. Is there any mutual friends/family that can help you?

A lot of people (myself included) could learn from this thread-not that I want you to suffer! Many of us are the ones who were left and battle with not calling every day. Reading this reminds us of how we sound to our soon to be exes!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I'm trying to gather the funds to file for divorce and would prefer sooner rather than later. That's why I have an end-of-summer goal. I have been paying his bills and buying groceries for him. It's like the opposite of what you typically find with the man supporting the woman. I cannot afford to support him really, and just hoped to get him through but he's melting.

@staircase - This does provide an interesting perspective. I feel for those who have been left - the devastation alone must be unbearable. I never intended to cause that by leaving, and wish no harm upon my ex, but my leaving still caused what I had hoped to avoid. I can only imagine what it's like to be left by a vindictive, hateful person whose aim is to destroy their ex (in extreme cases). To hurt someone on purpose - I couldn't imagine doing. You sound very strong in spite of what is happening in your life. Hugs to you. :)

- MB
 

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Wow, so this is how it feels like to be on the other side?

I think I did some crazy begging and pleading myself because I still love my husband and I just cannot give up on our marriage. I don't mean any harm to him as well even though I have come closed to stalking and spying on him. The only difference in my style is I hate calling and texting because I don't want to anguish in waiting - I'd rather have the 'accidental' meetings where I'll pretend that I'm busy and have to be somewhere else.

Anyway, why did u decide to end the relationship? Is it about freedom and finding yourself, or has he done something horrible to you (cheat), or is he a horrible husband (abusive, alcoholic, unemployed)?? Just curious why someone would be so resolved to end the relationship.
 

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MrsBird- I have been the one breaking up more than once. It's also a horrible situation. I know how you feel! I would never assume someone was just trying to be hurtful. I'm not sure those people would end up on this forum, honestly.

Keep us posted!
 

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Does he have any close friends or family that he can talk to for support right now. If he is alone, that will be tough on him, if he can "vent" or talk to another person, it might help him in letting go. Short of a court order, I don't know what you can do. Just be aware that a court order may OR may not keep him from contacting you that much. If you have children, he will have to contact you for visitation anyway, he could go through a mediator but that only complicates things.

IMHO, the best thing to do is get him connected with friends who might be able to persuade him into counciling.
 

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His world just got turned upside down. So yeah, he's despondent. Everything that he knew to be true and stable is gone.

My advice to you is to make it crystal clear for him: you are not coming back and you will be filing for divorce. Say it just like that. Tell him you want to be good co-parents for your son but that is the extent of your relationship with him. Tell him not to call you anymore unless it's re: your son.



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Anyway, why did u decide to end the relationship? Is it about freedom and finding yourself, or has he done something horrible to you (cheat), or is he a horrible husband (abusive, alcoholic, unemployed)?? Just curious why someone would be so resolved to end the relationship.
There is the freedom aspect... but I also experienced years of criticisms, digs and controlling behavior. "Your friend is a ****" and "You're getting big" and things like that. They may seem little, but compounded over the years to the point where I had no friends, no outside activities, etc., I was despondent myself. Plus, we went through a period where someone was always in the hospital sick and dying, so we lived in constant flux and stress. He lost is dad while he was in the hospital himself, and never got over it. That set him into a depression tailspin and it was like living with HOUSE. By the time I experienced a cancer scare, I vowed to find myself and my strength and do what I needed to do. Two and a half years later, I left.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Does he have any close friends or family that he can talk to for support right now. If he is alone, that will be tough on him, if he can "vent" or talk to another person, it might help him in letting go. Short of a court order, I don't know what you can do. Just be aware that a court order may OR may not keep him from contacting you that much. If you have children, he will have to contact you for visitation anyway, he could go through a mediator but that only complicates things.

IMHO, the best thing to do is get him connected with friends who might be able to persuade him into counciling.
His brother's long-term girlfriend has reached out to me, and I am seriously thinking of chatting with her. She has been down a similar road as me, and understands it. His family needs to know that "he simply cannot get by on his own" right now and needs their support. I was always the supporter, so nobody gave him a second thought. Now, he needs them more than ever.

I can't cut him off completely, because of our son and because I am hoping for eventual friendship on some level. Maybe I am dreaming. He doesn't listen when I tell him I'm filing. Says he cannot acknowledge that I left and am doing this.
 

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He's going to have to acknowledge pretty damn soon when you file. He can not accept it as long as he wants but it's going to happen. Unless he's completely insane, he'll come to terms with it. Sometimes it takes folks longer than others.

I'm glad you're not feeling guilty about being his only support system. I have seen people stay in marriages long past their expiration date because of this. It's totally not fair to the person doing all the heavy lifting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
@staircase - I think I did stay in the marriage past the expiration date. I was too afraid to leave because he'd get upset/mad/flip out.

Finding the funds to file is a challenge as I've been paying his bills. Slowly whittling away at not doing that.

Sometimes I think it would be better to go live in the woods and not have a relationship ever again! :)
 

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I have been there, too. I am going to run off to some out of the way Mexican village by the sea and forage and fish for my food.
 

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At the moment, I'd say you have the upperhand. You mention that you think he needs to go to counseling? Then tell him you won't answer phone calls until he goes to therapy, alone. If he is worried about your safety also tell him you are in contact with x person everyday (parents, whoever) thus they will know if something is wrong.

I wasn't calling my ex 20 times a day, but there was one night that I thought he was coming over to dinner and he didn't show I was really, really worried. I did actually wonder if he got in a car accident. Since he has told anyone we separated there is no one that would know if he was gone, except me. So that is normal in my experience. I still care about my ex and its hard to let go of actually caring for them.

Have you thought about counseling with him? Maybe if he goes by himself for a few sessions it would be good for you to tag along to. Counseling really can do wonders for a relationship if both people are willing to make changes.
 

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He needs help. I think the brothers girlfriend idea is the best so far. Ask her to help you ease him out of this, if there is an easy out. The reason I am not saying to just threaten him with court order and blackmail counseling is because you mentioned you wanted to remain friends for he kids sake. You seem, from this post, to just want both of you to be happy in your future separate lives, and I can relate with you there.

If you can not reason with him maybe the borthers girlfriend can. I would suggest to her to let him know what you want and to try to make it clear to him that you want a friendship relationship with him not a married one.

If all that fails, you can go back to a more subtle threat than court papers - let him know that he has two choices, either come to terms and start learning how to cope with the end of your marriage so you can both be friends - or, if not, you will not speak to him again and he will get nothing.

I mean, you could do this another way depending on how you feel about this (off the wall, really desparate last resort) - ask the brothers girlfriend to find him a lady friend to go out on a date with! Someone on here posted a while back that the only way to get over the other is with another! You never know.

:lol:

Ok, that was streching it a bit! He really may have gone insane over this so he may need to get on meds to help him cope until he can work on getting over this.
 
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