[Hermes]

Good morning all. I figured I should consolidate my thread here so I can chronicle what has happened post physical separation.

A quick overview:

- Wife asked for divorce on 10/6/12
- Wife is caught going out with another man on 10/7/12
- She was caught multiple times talking / texting this guy while we still lived in the same house, even after she swore she would not talk to him
- While still living together, I found condoms in her bag
- She was hiding her phone so I could not see conversations between them
- Her grievances are "She was alone for a long time, she wanted a divorce for a while, I neglected her, I stopped opening up about feelings, we grew apart.
- She claimed she wants to go to therapy (for herself), but of course, has not
- My family hates her now.
- Her father hates me
- Her mother is pissed at her, as is her brother. They tell her she is being selfish, a bad mother, a bad wife, etc.
- Her fears about reconciliation are, she is afraid she will get emotionally attached to me again and the changes would not be permanent. She will just be miserable again.
- She moved out of our house on 10/14/12
- I am codependant
- I am a nice guy
- I have met an attorney and got the MSA prepared (as of today 11/7/12, she agrees to it, but has not signed it)
- She believes she is the victim
- The OM is a complete douche......
- The wife is being completely selfish
- The wife chose the OM and a marathon over her dying aunt and her daughters 4th birthday
- She has added the OM to facebook as a friend. I removed her.
- We are completely NC, I told her to only contact me via email or text

So that was a quick update on my situation. I will update this thread going forward.

 

[Hermes]

Here are my observations about myself:

- I am a nice guy. I put my wife on a pedestal and thought nothing but the world of her. I never thought she would be capable of what she has done. I did not look at her as a sexual person (outside of being with me).

- I never communicated. We would talk, but I never gave my full undivided attention to her. I would always be doing something else or just listening to appease her

- I never participated in her interests. She is a runner. I hate running. To me, running is the punishment you get in real sports (sorry to offend any runners here ). Likewise, she never participated in mine, but I should have tried harder to take an interest in her recreational activities.

- I lied to her. I lied about stupid things that made no sense to lie about. I did this because I was ashamed she would think less of me and leave me. I tried to please her no mater what. This is something that I did with everyone. I would lie to family and friends to make myself look/feel better. My father left me when i was 4 years old and I feared the same would happen if i told her the truth. The thing is, the truth was not bad. It was stupid little things that, looking back, would not be reason enough to end a marriage.

- I was very affectionate, but affection to me was sex. I would hold her hands, hug her, kiss her, etc, but usually with the end goal of having sex. I would give her a hug and immediate grab her butt. I always assumed that affection is affection. But I realize now that affection is different from admiration. Sex is not everything.

- I was distant. I am a loner, by nature. I would come home and want to unwind, so I would sit in my room at my PC or do something that I wanted to do.

- I did not have my own activities (other than my PC) that I would do without her. I have NO friends other than family. I would always spend all my free time with family. I have 1 guy friend (her brother) that I consider (and he does too) my brother, regardless of what happens with my relationship.

- I would guilt or manipulate to get what i wanted.

- I shifted blame on her to cover my own insecurities.

- I played the victim, because I would always put her above my own needs and then "woe is me" when my needs were not met.

- I never confronted her with problems that I felt or worries that I had.

- I depended on her to make me happy, and would use any method in my arsenal to make that happen. I did not care if I lied, guilted, etc to get what i wanted from her.

- I NEVER stood up to her. I would always just go along with what she wanted. I was never decisive. I assumed that if I just went along with what she wanted, she would be happy. I did not think that she would want someone that would choose (even if she did not want to do that) what were doing/going and stick to it. I always deferred to her for decisions.

- I always gave to her and to others with the subconscious understanding that I would get back for it. I never gave for the good of giving. When i did not get something back, I was resentful and bitter.

There are more to come.

 

[Ostera]

Hang in there.. now that you see your stbx from 50,000 you understand that she is a taker, not a giver. Always remember that you have a lot to give in your next relationship. My stbx has been gone since Sept. 21st. She blocked my phone and went NC. She is BPD. She forced me to upgrade her wedding ring last Dec. because an aquaintance had a bigger one (selfish). Last Friday I called her office and left a message to give the rings back because they were not purchased out of love, but of selfishness. She emailed my work and wrote that she will mail them certified this Friday... We are both seeing that there is no point in wallowing in misery. I don't want her back anymore. My wife, like yours, cheated. I took begged her to come back and it was never the same. I never trusted her like I did in the beginning. I see now that once the trust is broken, it can't ever get back to the same level. Your wife violated something that is sacred. You will never be able to trust at the level you use to. I know it sucks to hear that, but my friend, as humans that's who we are.

 

[Hermes]

God I am a mess today. How long does it take to not miss her so much? I just want to go to her office and tell her how I feel. I know that has gotten me nowhere. I see who she is right now. I still love her and want her back. What does that say about me? I miss our family. I hate that this guy is getting what I should have. I hate that our vows mean nothing. I hate how I swore to stay with her for better or worse and I do not get the same treatment.

I know victim role. Boo hoo me. My birthday is tomorrow and the two people in the world I want to share it with are not going to be there. I think that is what is getting to me today.
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[Ostera]

God I am a mess today. How long does it take to not miss her so much? I just want to go to her office and tell her how I feel. I know that has gotten me nowhere. I see who she is right now. I still love her and want her back. What does that say about me? I miss our family. I hate that this guy is getting what I should have. I hate that our vows mean nothing. I hate how I swore to stay with her for better or worse and I do not get the same treatment.
I know victim role. Boo hoo me. My birthday is tomorrow and the two people in the world I want to share it with are not going to be there. I think that is what is getting to me today.
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Lock inot what I bolded. Get mad. She doesn't care about your feelings. She thinks about this new 'fling' . That's what fills her days. Mine is doing the same thing. I don't want her back. This isn't the first time mine did this... keep in mind, if your wife strayed once and you let her back, you are approving of the behavior and re-enforcing it.. cheating is NOT OKAY.

 

[Hermes]

Lock inot what I bolded. Get mad. She doesn't care about your feelings. She thinks about this new 'fling' . That's what fills her days. Mine is doing the same thing. I don't want her back. This isn't the first time mine did this... keep in mind, if your wife strayed once and you let her back, you are approving of the behavior and re-enforcing it.. cheating is NOT OKAY.

Thanks. I agree that cheating is not acceptable, but I do believe that you can fix a marriage (if both parties are 100% committed) even after an affair. I will not give up hope until there is nothing left to hope for.

 

[Hermes]

I just sent her an email (about the MSA)

M,

Did you have a chance to review and sign this?

M

To which she replied:

No. I apologize for not reviewing last night, but we celebrated A’s birthday last night since I haven’t had her.
I’ve cleared time tonight to review, so you’ll hear from me tomorrow. I too, am anxious to get this going, M.

So, tomorrow!

Also, I may as well ask the 3 questions that already come to mind in my initial review:
1) In Addendum A, birthdays are not mentioned—I’m thinking we will do like the other holidays and rotate even and odd? You just got her on the even, so I’ll get her on the odd, no?
2) New Years—are you going to treat that like a holiday and split the years? Or just let the day fall where it may within our schedule? I think we should assign even and odd years, with the option of first right of refusal, should one of us decide we want to do something. I believe the way the schedule is this year, I’d have her on New Years, which I like…
3) When are you planning on picking up the cats? Need to prepare A for the change. She loves feeding them, and all.

How should i respond to this? I am not anxious to get this going, but i want to have this signed, so I can be covered a little on the custody/spousal/child support, etc.

 

[Conrad]

What are you ok with?

Short and businesslike answers.



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[Hermes]

should i tell her that i have given time for changes (she has had this MSA for 2 weeks and has made a few changes already, which i had redone). This is the final version that I signed. The attorney will not make any more adjustments. If there are additional changes that you require, you will need to contact an attorney or pay my attorney fee of $350 per hour.

Is that too harsh?

 

[Conrad]

should i tell her that i have given time for changes (she has had this MSA for 2 weeks and has made a few changes already, which i had redone). This is the final version that I signed. The attorney will not make any more adjustments. If there are additional changes that you require, you will need to contact an attorney or pay my attorney fee of $350 per hour.

Is that too harsh?

Not at all.

Tell her this:

The document that sits before you is bought and paid for. Any changes will require the attorney to modify @350.00/hour.

I'm not ok paying for changes.



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[Hermes]

So, I sent her:

M,

The document that sits before you is bought and paid for. Any changes will require the attorney to modify @ $350 per hour. I am not ok paying for any additional changes.

The cats will be picked up within the next week. I am waiting for a home for them.

 

[Ostera]

You need to sit back and let her crash and burn in this new relationship. Focus on you and the kid. Don't sit at home and dwell. It will kill you (literally through stress).

Also, the OM obviously doesn't know the saying- 'If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.' Trust me, seen it many times.

 

[Hermes]

So, she responded with this:

Why would you do that? Why not okay with me the final before you paid for it? That doesn’t make any sense, M…

What should i say?

She just sent this as well:

Additionally, if I want/need to make changes, since this was your last draft that you were willing to pay for, you will have to wait for me to save up that money to pay for the revision because I won’t have that anytime soon.

 

[Hermes]

Should i respond with this:

I have paid for this since the start of the MSA. As stated before, my attorney charges for every change that is made. I gave this to you on October 23rd. You have had ample time to review and make changes. I asked, on multiple occasions for you to provide a list of all your changes. In fact, you and your father have made numerous changes, that I paid to have adjusted. These changes should have been addressed before. If you want additional changes, as stated, will require the attorney to change @ $350 per hour. I am not ok with paying for additional changes.

 

[Hermes]

I do not want to be an ass to her, but I want to stand my ground. I do want to reconcile, but I do not want to be taken advantage of. I do not want her to hate me, since I think reconciling will not happen if that is the case.

I am so torn. I should not focus on how she will take this, but I can not help it.

 

[Conrad]

So, she responded with this:

Why would you do that? Why not okay with me the final before you paid for it? That doesn’t make any sense, M…

What should i say?

She just sent this as well:

Additionally, if I want/need to make changes, since this was your last draft that you were willing to pay for, you will have to wait for me to save up that money to pay for the revision because I won’t have that anytime soon.

You say "Ok"



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[Conrad]

Should i respond with this:

I have paid for this since the start of the MSA. As stated before, my attorney charges for every change that is made. I gave this to you on October 23rd. You have had ample time to review and make changes. I asked, on multiple occasions for you to provide a list of all your changes. In fact, you and your father have made numerous changes, that I paid to have adjusted. These changes should have been addressed before. If you want additional changes, as stated, will require the attorney to change @ $350 per hour. I am not ok with paying for additional changes.

Do not do this.

It's explaining and angling for victim status.



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[Ostera]

Tell her that is fine.. don't be forking out anymore cash.

 

[happyman64]

And Hermes,

As much as you want to be protected by the MSA you can should let her stew on it.

Because these are the consequences she gets for her cheating.

You pay for her cheating too but she needs to feel this.

Why is her Dad mad at you?

Because his daughter acts like a teenager?

Or is their house too crowded.......

 

[Hermes]

And Hermes,

As much as you want to be protected by the MSA you can should let her stew on it.

Because these are the consequences she gets for her cheating.

You pay for her cheating too but she needs to feel this.

Why is her Dad mad at you?

Because his daughter acts like a teenager?

Or is their house too crowded.......

Because he daughter can do no wrong. He is a terrible husban and father, but he thinks he knows everything. His own wife has hated him ( and it is no secret) for as long as they have been married.
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