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@Amschaft, for some reason, not having anything to do with you, your husband does not respect your brain, or appreciate you as a person. It is deeply ingrained in him, and you can't change that. He is not going to change it until he is in enough pain to want to face himself.

You aren't to blame for marrying him, unless you did so very quickly without knowing him. He probably acted very differently when you were dating, and once you both had rings on your fingers, his true feelings (or fears) took over.

The first part of your post resonated with me. My husband hid (stuffed) his feelings too, and only connected with me through sex. Sex didn't make him emotionally connect with me any longer than the actual sex act. In fact, after sex, he felt vulnerable, and would emotionally push me away. He only recently realized and admitted to me his vulnerability stemming from his own parent's divorce when he was 10. I've known he was pushing me away for years, and it hurt like hell. Eventually I was mad as hell.

He is different from your husband, however, in that he would always draw me back in with acts of service and gifts. He knew I was upset with how I was being treated, he couldn't (or wouldn't) open up, and instead he bought gifts, however large or small for me.

His treatement of you is going to wear and tear you down more and more over the years. You cannot fix him.

You can draw a boundary and protect yourself. I hate to say this, but him not including you in important decisions is divorceable.

I suggest that you read Love Busters by Willard Harley. His behaviors are "busting" or destroying you, and eventually will destroy your love.
 

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Is this something marriage counseling can help?
Potentially, if he's willing to engage. But it doesn't sound as if he would. It sounds as if he hasn't yet freed himself from his parents and become an adult.

If there are no joint children it might be easier to call it a day.
 

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When I ask that he discuss issues with our finances or relationship with ME instead of his parents, then I'm "trying to drive a wedge between them". When I mention he has barely touched me in a week, I'm "smothering" him or he implies "you can just go get it somewhere else" (which hurts because I have never been unfaithful, yet he has..). All of the loving kindness that attracted me to him has become cold and withdrawn.

All the beautiful things he promised in the beginning have now, 4 years later, become issues of resentment because they were never met, and I'm told "well maybe I'd do this if you didnt nag me so much" "why would I want to buy you a ring when i doubt this marriage will even last" "why should I give you a whole night of my time?
You really should get professional help for what seems to be a case of severe co-dependency.

That's the only valid reason I can think of for why you would continue to disrespect yourself year after year after year, clinging to a nasty, arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, self-entitled pig like this. You're still hoping and praying that after years of being kicked in the face over and over and disrespected every single day, that he's suddenly going to do right by you. It's utterly sad that you're so willing to accept whatever CRUMBS he tosses you and it's even more sad that you're so willing to forget all the prior years of his abuse if he'll just magically change going forward.

"Men" like this (and I use that term loosely for this POS) are all about finding another 'mommy' to take care of them when their current mommy-wife boots their worthless ass out the door - which is likely what happened in his case. And that's EXACTLY what this guy did - she booted his ass out the door and this ****-stain immediately went shopping for a mommy replacement. He put on the fake "nice guy" routine for you until he was sure he had you hooked and then the REAL person started to emerge. The REAL person is the nasty, disrespectful, using POS you've seen for 4 years running.

He hit the jackpot when he found someone who is likely co-dependent and lives to serve him no matter how badly he treats her. You're more than willing to pander to him night and day and do all his parenting FOR him while he does nothing but denigrate you and let you know how worthless you are. And the really sad part is that you're still so willing to to stay with this repulsive excuse for a human being because you're so blinded by love for him that you don't want to accept the REALITY of your situation.

Seriously. Stop disrespecting yourself and please see a professional about your co-dependency.
 

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This is all probably how he blew up his first marriage.

Escape now with your child.
QFT!

As I read the opening post all I could think was "This guy is a complete <insert profane language insult here> and I can clearly see why he's on his 2nd marriage before age 30."

Also, really, he has a 5 year old with his exW and he's been married to OP for 4 years? Either he was cheating on his exW with OP or they met and married in an extremely short period of time, certainly before they had a chance to actually, you know, get to know each other.
 

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QFT!

As I read the opening post all I could think was "This guy is a complete <insert profane language insult here> and I can clearly see why he's on his 2nd marriage before age 30."

Also, really, he has a 5 year old with his exW and he's been married to OP for 4 years? Either he was cheating on his exW with OP or they met and married in an extremely short period of time, certainly before they had a chance to actually, you know, get to know each other.
Yes, I did wonder about that.
 
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