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Based on the information from her and her friends, how many partners would be logical

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Discussion Starter #1
Am I ever glad I found a sensible message board for some advice. Here's the history...my wife and I dated for about a year when we were in high school and I was her first boyfriend. There was nothing more than a lot of kissing and heavy petting and she was always ready to make out. We split up and never saw each other for close to 15 years. We were both married for a short time (her: two years, me: four years) but neither of us had kids with our exes. We got back together, dated for awhile, got married five years ago and have a beautiful child who is three.

We are both very open and honest about everything except for one thing...she can't seem to open up about her sexual past.

A few months ago I asked the question in a very nonchalant way while we were on the couch watching a movie. She clammed up at first and said she would rather leave the past in the past and live for the present. I became a little upset about her answer and, after telling her to know and love someone unconditionally is to know *everything* about them, she gave in and said she couldn't really remember but it was "probably around 10". She also told me her first time was the result of a date rape in her senior year in high school at a party.

A few weeks later, we were out with 3 or 4 of her lifelong friends for dinner and drinks when the topic came up (I didn't raise it, one of her friends did). When it came time for my wife to answer the question, she kind of froze and looked at me. I pretended to pay no attention and kept my focus on the TV on the wall by our table. After some jabbing from her friends, she softly said "10 or so" to which a couple of them began giggling. One of her friends said "come on! overall total...not an annual total!"

They had been drinking and my wife's number was revised upwards to "I don't really know...15 or 16 maybe?" to which a couple of them had some more giggles and said "ok, but what about after college?".

Her friends were all in the 15-40 range. Myself, I've had 18 partners and I have been forthright with it to her. I can remember all of the experiences, good or bad, and all but maybe 2 or 3 of the names.

Because we grew up and went to school in the same city, we know a lot of the same people our age and it seems as though she dated a lot of guys after me. I know this because we'll often be out at a restaurant or mall and we'll run into someone who stops to say hi and afterwards she tells me they dated for awhile. Then, there's the times where the guy doesn't approach her and a friend of hers at the table will quietly tell me it was one of her exes from college or something.

Like I said, my wife and I seem to be polar opposites on this topic. I need openness and honesty in order to completely devote myself to our relationship whereas she just wants bygones to be bygones and live in the present. We all make mistakes and I harbour absolutely no ill will or jealousy, no matter how many men she has been sexually involved with. It's especially hard not knowing because we knew each other when we were 15 and 16 but there is a black hole of about 15 or 16 years in the middle so its not like I met her for the first time five or six years ago.

How can I get her to be completely honest with me? It's causing a rift between us and I'm starting to get scared that if she isn't being open about this that there's other things she isn't being completely up front about, either.
 

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OMG..
Why cant you leave the past in the past?

What matters to you? What will you do with this information?
What if her number is more than you can handle?

Seriously. Sounds like you got a great marriage. If she's open to you now and you have great communication, what else do you need?

Good for her if she has had a lot of experiences but maybe she does nto feel good about them today.
That's NOT dishonesty.
Focus on your life with her... not her past.

Make her feel comfortable (in general) and maybe someday she'll talk but for now, I just dont see what purpose it serves. Your mind is wrapped around not knowing.... knowing may make that restless mind worse.

As you might guess by my signature... this is a topic near and dear to my heart!!

good luck letting her leave her past where it should be.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
You are right, I can't wrap my head around why I need to know this information so badly. Mostly, I guess, it is because I'm genuinely interested in knowing all there is to know about her and would NEVER use any of it against her, EVER! I know bits and pieces about some sordid things from her past that she has inadvertently spilled during a moment of weakness and it has never been brought up again!

As for knowing her true number...the number could be 15 or it could be 150...a number is a number and I'm the last one she has added to the list and I plan to keep it that way. I can't undo the past and neither can she so, while some may say it's a non-issue, I prefer to see it as information that completes us as "one" with each other.

No matter what happens, the bottom line is I loved her 25 years ago, thought about her all the time when we were apart, and love her even more today and will continue to love her until our end days. Nothing will change that.
 

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As for knowing her true number...the number could be 15 or it could be 150...a number is a number and I'm the last one she has added to the list and I plan to keep it that way. I can't undo the past and neither can she so, while some may say it's a non-issue, I prefer to see it as information that completes us as "one" with each other.

Im a big fan of that "one with each other" thing, but what could be more relevant than "now". If she feels 1000% percent secure with you, maybe one day she'll just out everything. But the past really does not matter. In fact like her, im suspcisious of your motives. Only saying that because her and i believe that you can love her totally (even for the part that she doesnt want to talk about)...without digging into the past.
(don't means to write that like we've spoken hahahah)

No matter what happens, the bottom line is I loved her 25 years ago, thought about her all the time when we were apart, and love her even more today and will continue to love her until our end days. Nothing will change that.
Then just keep doing that and your headed for a sweet long marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
You are a wise and intelligent woman, Vino. I have no doubt she is 1000% comfortable with me as I am also 1000% comfortable with her. I'm hoping she opens up sooner rather than later though because it's going to be very, very difficult for me to sweep this under the rug. And we all know that eventually, after its been walked on enough, rugs need to be replaced, right?
 

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You are a wise and intelligent woman, Vino. I have no doubt she is 1000% comfortable with me as I am also 1000% comfortable with her. I'm hoping she opens up sooner rather than later though because it's going to be very, very difficult for me to sweep this under the rug. And we all know that eventually, after its been walked on enough, rugs need to be replaced, right?
hahaah laughing... although I LOVE them SOOOOOOO, and my pic indicates otherwise... Im not a lady. Wish i was , they got better toys.

Anyway, good stuff, But no sweeping under the rug, just leave it there, in the past. If she brings it back to you great. Seems like a great lady btw. Have fun.
 

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Your insecurity about how many men she has slept with is not a good feature.

Just presume that every single day of her life when you were not there she was getting her freak on. And so what!

The important thing is that the two of you are committed to each other now. She owes you no information about the other guys whatsoever.

Just because you tell her your life list is not fair.

If she is faithful to you and has not given you an STD and loves you, count your blessings.

If she were to have had relations with 10,000 men before you and is now with you and satisfied, doesn't that say a lot?

Stop being so insecure, you'll screw up a good thing.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
So, if I have a 20 year old girl come knocking next week and says "hi Dad" (which did happen with someone else, by the way) do you think she'd want to know about that?

Just askin'...
 

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Its a tad different. That's a child.

Can you explain how your example is even connected to her spilling her full sexual history?
 

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So, if I have a 20 year old girl come knocking next week and says "hi Dad" (which did happen with someone else, by the way) do you think she'd want to know about that?

Just askin'...
she might rabbit...but that neither will change all you've shared, all you've been through together and been ther for each other and will continue to do so...
 

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Discussion Starter #12
It's something painful that I've buried in my past as well (do I regret agreeing to adopting her out? yes!). If she were to broach the subject I'd most definitely be open about it. Just as I would want her to be open about her past. That's how it relates.
 

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It's something painful that I've buried in my past as well (do I regret agreeing to adopting her out? yes!). If she were to broach the subject I'd most definitely be open about it. Just as I would want her to be open about her past. That's how it relates.
Good, its your right to "bury" (i prefer leave) as it is your's to disclose, as is hers.

And you see then its VERY related. If you have things you may not want to re-live. If you've been open and loving to yoru wife on a daily basis, thats most important! Mind you this is all simply my opinion. For me it makes sense. Who doesnt have a past. How scary, that that might rule your present or future?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
There is only one person (to my knowledge unless the other has disclosed it, who knows) besides me who knows about what happened 20 years ago and there's only one person I'd ever share it with if I was ever asked about it. I would share it because I trust her with my heart. I wish she felt the same way.
 

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So, if I have a 20 year old girl come knocking next week and says "hi Dad" (which did happen with someone else, by the way) do you think she'd want to know about that?

Just askin'...
This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"

It has nothing to do with your insecurity about her sexual activities prior to your marriage.
 

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I always admitted openly... im a closet lesbian.. I have ALL the symptoms....
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I'm not insecure about her previous sexual activities at all. I personally know 4 who have come right out and said they were with her. Does this bother me? Not at all. I'm the one that is with her now, not them. I am just curious to know how many more there are out there that can make the same claim.

This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"
---It may be different in terms of context, but is the same as far as not disclosing information to your partner goes.
 

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This information is way different that "how many sexual partners?"

It has nothing to do with your insecurity about her sexual activities prior to your marriage.
true that.

and still does not impact your ability to love and support each other.

Go jump your wife's bones hetfield, play and stop letting your mind get the better of you.
 
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