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Just want to get some advice...

Recently, I told my wife about something that I kept a secret for many years. We started dating 01/03 and spent almost everyday together. I knew something was up when on V-Day (02/03), I stepped out to get something at the store and my wife’s ex-boyfriend stopped by to deliver flowers. He took off quickly and I and didn’t say anything to her. My wife didn’t tell me and hid the flowers in her mom's room since she didn’t want me to be mad. A week after Valentines Day (02/03), I decided to go over to help her with writing a school report. I wanted to surprise her so I didn’t call her. When I went over, I was shocked to see that her ex-boyfriend's car was in the driveway. I stayed outside thinking for a few hours and went home. Sure I was bummed, but I also knew she wasn’t fully over her ex so I let it go. Recently, I found her old pst files for outlook and snooped around a bit. I was surprised to see that my wife and her ex-boyfriend were still meeting up while we were dating for at least 6 months. They would make dinner plans, she would have him come over and watch TV, or she would go over to his house. I read every email from her ex and found out that whenever I wasn’t there, he would stop by or she would go over to his place. He lived less than a mile away which made seeing one another easy to do. We didn’t officially become boyfriend/girlfriend until late summer 2003. I screwed up a lot in the beginning and we had our ups and downs. However, I still felt a little betrayed about it. During our courtship, I also found out that she would send him emails stating that she thought of him and still missed him. One email from 02/03 stated that she was sad that she wasn’t with her ex and she would think about him….that was on Valentines Day. The day that I planned out, got her flowers and a nice gift. I feel that while I was with her physically, she was with him in her heart. I think that the flirtatious emails stopped after our 2nd year since I couldn’t find anymore emails. Finding out that she was still flirting with him for that long devastated me. I know my wife doesn’t keep in touch with her ex on a regular basis. I'm messed up since I am not sure how to feel or deal with it. It was a long time ago and we are married, but I still can’t forget too easily. I knew about only one instance of them seeing each other, but after reviewing all her emails, they were together longer. Also one thing I never understood, my wife would always tell me that her love for me was different than with her ex. I really didn’t know what that meant until recently uncovering an old email to her friend stating that she had this "heads to toe" love for her ex and the love she had for me was stable. Basically, I was a nice guy and made her smile and happy. I guess that helped me understand better. I knew my wife always liked me as a friend since we were friends for so long and I made her laugh so when we saw each other in January 2003, she found someone that she can be comfortable with and I was at the right place and right time. In essence, I felt like that I was a rebound and she even stated that our relationship was purely physical in the beginning. My wife should have listened to her sister. I even read all her emails to my wife. She questioned her and told her that she shouldn’t just settle on me and to wait for true love. My wife’s sister even compared me to all her ex boyfriends and stated that I didn’t measure up and also was the ugliest boyfriend to date. Ouch. When I brought out how I felt, it appeared she felt bad for things in the past, but at the same time, she got mad that I would constantly bring it up over and over again since that happened 5 years ago. She says she doesn’t even remember the details and wants to forget, but I can’t stop looking at her old emails. I’m torn inside and love my wife, but I also feel like I can no longer trust her. She can remember every thing we’ve done, all the gifts, flowers and cards that I bought her, and all the places that we’ve been to, but by saying she doesn’t remember too well or how long she spent with her ex while were dating…I just don’t buy that. Any advice on what I should do will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
 

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Let it go. You are dwelling on old history. She may have had mixed emotions for a long time but she did marry you after all. Constantly bringing this back up can only stir a pot that should be left a alone. I understand your hurt and concern but if she says it’s over and done with, take her at her word and move on. If you don’t she will begin to feel you don’t trust her and that will be damaging to the marriage. I’m sure your confidence and self esteem have been banged up a bit but you’ll get over it in time. Continue to love your wife and show her why you are a good husband. There are plenty of spouses that have come and gone from this board wishing they had a caring, stable and loving spouse like yourself. She is lucky you have you just as you are to have her. Take care.
 

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My wife can istantly remember any phone numbers but can't remember her ex. Why because for so long it has been that unimportant to her. You judge your wife on what she did when you were not an exclusive item. That isn't fair to her. SHe wanted to date both of you to see which was better. You won! Do you really want to blow that now.

draconis
 

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:iagree:

With the above posters, Let it go man.

My wife and I dated 7 years, She went to school in PA and Iwent to school in NJ (college)

I am sure she dated other men, made out or did what ever while we were "together" during those years apart.

we never set any boundries to whom we could date and whom we could not, I never once said we were exclusive, nor did she.

I would go out to her school to visit, all her friends knew who I was and we talked on the phone all the time.

Bottom line is we are married 11 years now, and I am positive she "foooled around" with others while dating.....But I look as it "sowing her wild oats" apparently I was comapred to others....and I won!

I would just let it go.
 
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