All right my good friends of TAM, tomorrow is the day. Working now. Have a therapy appointment at 10. After that I will sit down with her and make my intentions clear. This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've had to do. However delaying will only make it worse. The bandaid comes off tomorrow.
As I have stated, I'm at peace with this. It will be very difficult to see her reactions, but this is happening. I'm tired of believing that life will get better with us and knowing it won't. I need peace and comfort as any other person does.
For those of you that are following, I ask that you pray for us. For grace and guidance in moving forward. My thanks for the amazing moral support. This sucks so bad😩

 

I will sit down with her and make my intentions clear. This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I've had to do. However delaying will only make it worse. The bandaid comes off tomorrow.

So this will be a total surprise/shock to her, she has no idea it's coming?

Expect anything from casual indifference to more likely a complete breakdown into hysterics and begging.

Stay strong but if you relapse it's understandable. In most of my breakups including my divorce there was a lot of back and forth before the final nail went into the coffin.

Please post here about how it went down even if you waffle on your decision, like I said it's perfectly normal if not the healthiest way to handle these sorts of things, I wish I wasn't speaking from a boatload of personal experience.

 

🙏
Best of luck tomorrow.

 

Good luck tomorrow. I understand the conflicting feelings. Telling my husband that I was going to file for divorce was the hardest thing I ever did but the alternative (continuing to remain in a dysfunctional marriage) was just no longer possible. It hurts in the short term — because it’s not something you ever wanted to do — but time will help. Best wishes.

 

I couldn't have described what I feel better than you have! I appreciate the support.

 

I'll be very short at the moment. A very emotionally brutal day.

 

Hopefully you can get some sleep tonight.

 

Praying for you both this evening.

 

My wife didn't say anything when I told her I wanted a divorce. But that's not surprising. Her lack of communication was one of the main reason our marriage collapsed.

 

Hey folks. Well today not feeling any better. No rest last night. Finally took a nap today. I have a refuge of sorts right now away from the house to regroup. Both of a fixer upper, but will give me focus moving forward that I have a place to stay permanently when this is finished.
How does one not feel utter shame and soul demolishing guilt? I'm a 64 yr old man and I can't stop crying! This is a choice i have made. It's soley mine. I've made it for my survival as a person. I cannot continue to live a life that when I look around my home I see nothing of me there! I'm a ghost in my life and will not live like this.
For those of you who have advised that waffling will happen? So right! I vacilitate, back and forth! However, this choice is made, it is happening and her acceptance is her key to moving forward.
Of course I still love her, just that way anymore. That died long ago. I will help het her to where she needs to go as well. Alot of work coming moving nonessential things into storage and inventorying it for division.
Crap this is so hard!

 

How does one not feel utter shame and soul demolishing guilt?

The best way I know to eliminate big emotions is to let myself feel them instead of suppressing them. I think it is OK that you are crying and much healthier for you than not doing so. This is an utterly sad and heart-breaking thing brother.

You are not taking away from others by taking better care of yourself. A healthier and happier you will enable you to take better care of the ones you love. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, otherwise you cannot help others put on theirs.

I'm sorry you are experiencing a maelstrom of huge emotions. The way bipolar amplifies emotions, I bet your emotions are indescribable at the moment. Please take care of yourself.

I will not stop reminding you that you have my number and I'm here to listen, if you ever need to just let it out. I don't care what time of the day. I'm even putting my phone on ringer for just for you. Wifey is going to get jealous!

 

It’s totally normal to feel the way that you do. You are beginning the process of dismantling your old life and starting a new one. That isn’t easy and it takes time (maybe even a lot of time) to adjust to. You’ll get there — a step at a time — but probably not as quickly as you’d like. I remember thinking if only I had the ability to fast-forward time how much easier it would be.

 

@TinyTbone, what was her reaction? Do you think the two of you can do this without a bunch of drama?

Men cry. It's normal and okay. Just try to avoid crying at work, in the grocery store, and while driving. Otherwise, have at it. In my experience, men are just as emotional as women. They usually express it differently, but anyone who thinks men are not emotional isn't really paying attention to people.

 

Thanks for the comfort. Her reaction? Not good, not good at all. Since i left for a few days to start to decompress some and start working on the other place it's been a barrage of texts and calls! Horrid venom! Lashing out. I've messaged back I'm not going to get on the pain go round. I'm amicable to talk, but no dramatic actions.
It was a blind siding 4 sure. Yet for 10+ years I've been miserable, even asking her to give one good reason to stay! I asked my therapist to take off her business hat and be a person for a moment when we met. I asked when our first session was. Then I said after 2 yrs of sessions and who knows how many vivid discussions of my feelings, look at me and tell me if she thinks I'm genuinely happy. She could not. She was sadned, but honest.
For the part 4 years, I've had serious discussions about our marriage, how I feel and yet she just didn't listen. In one ear and out! I would have to ask her to look at me while we/i attempted dialog. Her phone was more interesting than us i guess. This has kept going on and on. I gave up, nothing left to want to fight for. None of the previous discussion of J had a part in my total decision. It was mearly a catalyst. Like many others, I'd grown to believe this is it, as good as it gets, get used to it right? No, I will not go quietly into the night. I'm not a domestic pet. I'm a man, a human being. I have real needs. I'm tired of being paint on the wall, I want to genuinely live, not exist. Even our sex life was just mechanics 101.
No I posted this thread as a cry for help from people here, for catharsis and to put me on report so I follow through when I feel weak. I didn't make this choice lightly. I think i should have pulled the trigger years ago, but that's a moot point now.
No she's not happy, in fact everyone of her messages have been derogatory, and denigrating. It takes two. Not 1 or 1.25., two. I've been alone a long time. I have to look to my future now and give love to my daughter and support through this as well.

 

@TinyTbone some inspiring words for you -


"Not everything blooms in spring. Your season might be autumn.
Keep going.

Someone will start with more money than you. Someone will get into a better school. Someone will inherit connections you need to build from scratch. Someone will get picked before you. In other words, you’ll have no problem finding people with a head start.
That’s not the point.
The point is: when you get your opportunity, you make the most of it."

- James Clear

 

I'm a man, a human being. I have real needs.

Yes you are, and you should never forget that.

No she's not happy, in fact everyone of her messages have been derogatory, and denigrating.

She is showing you who she is and how she feels towards you, you should believe her and also remember who you are.

 

She is showing you who she is and how she feels towards you.

yes, but I also think it's quite normal to react like that when you feel you've been blindsided. She'll calm down and reflect on it and her faults in all of this.
I got blindsided. Didn't expect it at all and I reacted angrily to it. Now - after 5 years - I know where I went wrong. Mind you, I still feel betrayed.

 

My experience, coming out of a very long marriage, is that prior discussions with (in my situation) no real change lead to complacency on the part of the other person. Nothing happens to change the dynamic and move forward so they just continue on the way things have always been. And, yes, they are shocked and unhappy when the prospect of divorce is suddenly real because they never believed that day would come.

My husband was very hurt — understandably — because I stayed too long and so he thought I would stay forever. Never mind those pesky little infidelity issues — I was meant to be there to the end. And I would have if I could have. But I had reached that point where I just couldn’t live that life any longer. He didn’t understand that and I doubt your wife does at this point either. Some never over that bitterness. Hopefully, she will be able to.

But how she chooses to live her life going forward is now on her. You will no longer carry that burden for her.

 

Her hateful response is all you need to know. Her immediate response wasn't sadness or trying to understand, it was anger. It sounds like entitlement. "How dare you," is an entitled response.

"Out if the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."

 

Well an up date. She has calmed down and we are being friendly. Right now cohabitation is still needed. However she still wants to make this my fault. Says I haven't told her what it is I need, that we can fix this. I replied that over 3 straight years I've been attempting to discuss my feelings and what I do need, just you haven't been listening. I know she hasn't because so many times I've stopped this discussion and asked you to at least look at me when talking. She said it was the same, that I was yelling at her? How, when I'm talking in a calm and neutral tone. Pride comes before the fall.
She has respected me in my boundaries during this difficult time of separating our lives. I spent the weekend working at a place to live, once all my retirements are set. Bit of a fixer upper, but in the country side and peaceful. I haven't and won't tell her where it is because it's my in sanctuary for peace and my private life outside the marriage is just so. I've let her know she needs accept this as it is happening. No one can be forced o love another. I will help her as time goes on to be ready to find a new place to live here or else where. As I've told her, I dont hate her.
Will be printing out separation paperwork and divorce documents. Thank you again to everyone for all your kindness and support for me at a very difficult stage of my life!

 

Well an up date. She has calmed down and we are being friendly. Eight now cohabitation is still needed. However she still wants to make this my fault. Says I haven't told her what it is I need, that we can fix this. I replied that over 3 straight years I've been attempting to discuss my feelings and what I do need, just you haven't been listening. I know she hasn't because so many times I've stopped this discussion and asked you to at least look at me when talking. She said it was the same, that I was yelling at her? How, when I'm talking in a calm and neutral tone. Pride comes before the fall.
She has respected me in my boundaries during this difficult time of separating our lives. I spent the weekend working at a place to live, once all my retirements are set. Bit of a fixer upper, but in the country side and peaceful. I haven't and won't tell her where it is because it's my in sanctuary for peace and my private life outside the marriage is just so. I've let her know she needs accept this as it is happening. No one can be forced o love another. I will help her as time goes on to be ready to find a new place to live here or else where. As I've told her, I dont hate her.
Will be printing out separation paperwork and divorce documents. Thank you again to everyone for all your kindness and support for me at a very difficult stage of my life!

Your countryside home sounds peaceful and wonderful. I think it’s so critical to have a place for yourself where you can craft a new life according to your exact needs. It will become essential for healing and a new beginning.

I think it gets easier over time, to simply disengage from the arguments and being defensive. Realizing how pointless it is to argue or clarify past conceptions because it doesn’t matter anymore, is very freeing. I saw a comedy skit, the lady said “Compromise? That’s married people ****. I’m divorced now.” I thought that was pretty funny, but also a tongue in cheek truth.

Anyways, glad to see your figuring it all out. Stay hopeful. You know what you need for your peace.

 

Hang in there brutha, just keep plugging.

 

Once she realizes you have no intention of backing down, she will probably start getting nasty.

If things start to escalate don't get drawn into fights, and don't say or do anything that can even remotely perceived as abusive because when she gets her own attorney the first thing they will probably tell her is that she will be in a much better negotiating position if she can effectively play the DV card. But hopefully it won't get to that point and she'll agree to whatever it is you present her with and signs on the dotted line and you both go your separate ways.

 

Fortunately our daughter is currently living with and be a witness against any claim of DV.

 

@TinyTbone, Do you think your wife could make a false accusation against you? Have you seen her make false accusations against anyone? Is she vengeful? If so, what kinds of things have you seen her do that would give you concern?

 

She has a nasty temper. I've not seen her do something hurt anyone, but this is different. Being extremely careful around her. I do what I can to be busy at the house, but not around her much. Just trying to normalize the new status quo. Have a suspicion she's going to make a play to get the truck, just to spite me. Who knows.
Be gone again this weekend. Setting up a place for me and taking more of my things with me. Paperwork is being printed and we will begin filling out and preparing a negotiated agreement.

 

LOL. My cat's name was Loki too--and boy she earned that name! She was born on Cinco de Mayo and was a spicy enchilada. One of her favorite games was laying on the headboard, and one-by-one knocking off all the things we had on the headboard so she could "stretch out." She especially liked that game if we were laying in the bed at the time!

 

Well, youve got a bead on what you want your life to look like moving forward. Your place in the country sounds delightful....a place of peace and tranquility.

As they say, the die is cast, now comes the time to execute your plan step by step.

Proud of you sir. I know from your posts that youve had to dig deep to move forward in this manner. I believe this will help bring that which you seek.

Strength, peace and fulfillment to you brother. As I stated before, there can be wonderful days on the other side of this travail. It has been so for me.

 

Thanks for this. It's not an easy thing to ever end a marriage, especially 40 yrs together! I guess it really was decided in my heart a good 9 months ago, just finally worked up the guts to take the plunge off the cliff. The real problem is id lost my smile, lost myself. I lived to make her smile. I couldn't live with who I saw in the mirror.
Now each day, I feel a little better about myself. Feel that there is hope and goodness ahead for me, wherever alone or with another someday. At least I can get up each day and like the one I see in that mirror again.

 

Hey folks, well here it is Monday. I've done alot of reflection over the weekend, in peaceful seclusion st the place I'm making into my new home. It was sad that yesterday was mothers day, and for the first time in well over 20 years I wasn't there. I messaged her a sweet mother's day wish. In return, what I got was a very selfish attempt to bate into an argument of right or wrong in what I'm doing. Trying to flip it on me and not being accountable for her part in the end.
I've decided that I will now completely, physically seperate us. I will heading to where we live in a few hours to pack up as much of my personal items as I can, along with a few needed household items, not in use in the garage and return. My home is now where I'm sitting and typing this message. This isn't a late midlife crisis or other thing of that nature. This is the culmination of years of growing unhappiness and misery in my soul. I'll be resigning my job there, effective immediately. I've already begun a search for employment where I'm at. I'll get work, always have. Just to keep $$ coming in the door to continue to help support the wife as she moves forward. I'm not just going to abandon her to the wolves. Our lease expires in January 2026. My retirement is drawn already fully covers the rent with utilities. So a job here floats all other bills to keep living.
I'm so fortunate to have a friend who has been gracious enough to help me in the beginning of my new journey in life, with this beautiful place to start it in. I'm battling through the emotions of guilt and shame I feel, regardless. I will be fine, she will be fine. The sun will rise and set, as it always has since time immemorial. So is the way of life.
I want at this time to give my deepest thanks to so many here, who accepted me so graciously into the TAM fold and seen me, heard me, over the years! Your kindness and support have meant more for me than I can articulate. Blessings and peace to all.

 

Every situation is different but generally speaking it's unwise to move out of the marital home until the divorce is settled or you're ordered to leave by a court.

Divorce is all about negotiation, loosely based on what a court might decide if it ever gets that far (about 95% of divorces settle before trial). By granting her exclusive use of the marital home she has that much less incentive to negotiate fairly to get the divorce done sooner rather than later, especially if you're paying the bills on that house. Even if you're not currently paying the bills on the marital residence and your own place, if there is a large disparity between your respective incomes, she could conceivably petition the courts for temporary support based on the monthly carrying costs which you can bet she will inflate on the net worth statement she would file at the time of the petition.

 

It's a rental house. Lease is up in January. She's got that much time to locate a place to live. We are looking at the options of either DYI, or mediation. As I explained to her, the only one who wins in a divorce in any other way is the lawyers. They get a big chunk of money and leaves us with not much to split.

 

Sometimes it takes awhile to fully see the path you need to take and what that looks like (it certainly did for me). You take that path when you’re ready to let go of your old life and create a new one. Some never have the courage to do that but you did. I wish you the very best going forward.

 

Well today, I went back to the house and packed up most of my clothing, personal records and toiletries. Also packed out a bunch of my tools and building materials.
Once again we talked. She continued to ask why I was doing this, to which I replied for the same reasons I've stated over a hundred times before. How long is long enough to be emotionally isolated and starved? I demonstrated a specific act that lovers would do and she didn't even react, to which I told her this is a real problem. That a couple who love other and desire each other romaticly, the action should have provoked at least a minimal reaction. We talked more about the fact that we will start up a list of the things we own and what we wish to each keep. The rest we can allow our daughter to pick form as she wants and sell the rest. This next month is going to be very busy for sure, but will help.

 

From experience, be patient as you shift to a more business relationship.

The personal side is like a death from a thousand cuts with the emotions that come... I learned to turn the knives into feathers before such decisions were made so that when the ex got what she wanted, the words that followed the process were far less effective (hurtful).

In the end, it was only my efforts that mattered.

 

Has she started looking for a job? It may be difficult for her to find work at her age, particularly having not worked.

 

Nope. Maybe? She's never had to work.