Well crap. Since I've gone this far, then i guess I'll let it all out. Have a laundry list of pain. So here it comes.
So back in 2017, had a house fire. Destroyed the home. Lost all. Lived in a rental house for 20 months, while getting the home built. Guess the shock of it all broke her veneer of silence?
So any way, several things have been said. She had for years been paranoid that I was or would cheat on her. She said it was because I have a high libido and hers was low. It came out of her very mouth that the real reason she supported and suggested i get a vasectomy, was she was afraid I'd get another woman pregnant? Say what? I never had time to do that. I worked 12 hour shifts for 7 days straight and off for 7 days. If I wasn't at work, I was at home? So how was i supposed to do that?? I've since told her that this was so screwed up. That she, under the guise of us not wanting more kids and an easier thing to do than her getting fixed, took away from me the chance to have another child with another, should our marriage fail? WTF?
Then she drops these bombs about J. Then she tries to say i killed a pet of ours, that i found dead next to the road? That a subsequent exam by our veterans showed blunt force trauma to his neck. That he was jot hit by a car. I was stunned to here this. He was a fun little guy and our young daughter lived him. How could you even conceive of this? That i had to get you to regain your composure on the side of the road as our house was burning down. You were rolling hysterically in the neighbors yard, screaming my stuff, my stuff, while our 14 year old daughter was in shock. She needed us and you were scaring her. That you looked up lying there and called me a heartless a hole? She needed us! I told her you grieve now, I'll grieve later. I have to get us through this.
Our friend G had moved in a week before, leaving a toxic and abusive 10 year relationship. To stay a couple months while setting up a new place to live. Her and the wife were out to lunch when the fire happened. Daughter and I were home. I'd woke up for a couple minutes to go to the bathroom and get some water. I was working my night shift week. All hell broke loose minutes later. The home was rocked by an explosion. I ran down stairs and looked around saw nothing and then went outside to see if any neighbors were out and heard it. Then I hear my daughter screaming from inside the house, our house is on fire, our house in fire. I ran in and got her out! Few minutes later we were moved across the street by EMS, for safety. Had our daughter call her mom. She still had he phone. She told her mom to come home, the house is on fire. Then I heard my wife take it as a joke. I grabbed the phone and told her get home now, our house is freaking burning down. Well when she arrived with G, she immediately started screaming my stuff. G looked for and found me and our daughter, hugged us and was so thankfully we were OK, wife didn't.
Things have been strained since this. I realize she's depressed, she's even started meds to help. But to say such cruel things to me, to let slip these hurtful things and deny it? Guess I'm having my own come to Jesus moment.

 

Hey folks. So I've finally decided to write out my full story. I had hit on some of it when I first joined. Granted I was all over the place emotionally at that time.
It's a long one and I'm going to be short about each area of it and discuss or answer questions that may come in more detail.
PART 1. We have been married 40 years; fact. I served in the Navy for 20 years, 6 months and 9 days. Retired in 2003. Fact. I am who I say I am,fact. I have never trolled anyone here. Fact. Here goes.

I'll begin sort of in the middle. Was in the summer of 1998. I was stationed.in Everett, Washington on a Destroyer. We had a learning resource center, with computers. What a concept. The internet was pretty new to alot, in it's infancy. Email was king. Cell phones were basic dumb phones. No texting as yet. Chat rooms seemed to be the rage. One on my workers goaded.me into opening an email account, so I was learning.i discovered chat rooms, it was a novel idea. I frequented one site in particular. Started chatting in open rooms with a specific person often, often enough to create our own private room.
Had been married 14 years at this point. No home PC. So anyway, I'd hit the chat room on lunch breaks or on duty nights. The other person was a woman. I'm sure you know now where this went. Got in to deep. Remember all was done through chat. Never have i seen what she looked like or met IRL. She wanted to meet. I freaked out. Told the wife about it. Didn't defend what I did. Felt horrid for it. I was completely honest, even went the to the site and opened up the room and let her go through all the messages. To say she was hurt was an understatement. There were never any I love you's or talk of leaving our partners. Just mundane things and sexual fantasy talk. My wife had been worried something was up with me, and unbeknownst to me 2 days before this she and her niece had cracked my email at her sister's house and found this. So there was the added humiliation and shame she endured at the both of them seeing this as well! The next couple months were very rough with us, obviously. I never evaded any questions. I took all her anger and lashing out, I deserved it. However we never talked of splitting up.
This was something very uncharacteristic for me. No matter what, it was what is called today, an EA. I still feel a deep shame inside to this day. Now a couple months later I deployed on a 6 month forward deployment to the Persian Gulf. Slowly things normalized over the next year or so. If she has ever to this day asked anything of it, I do my best to answer, given the length of time, to the best of my ability.
OK, so that cats out of the bag now, I cheated. No other way to say it! But wait, there's more, much more to this. I will contnue over several posts to today's current issues.

Oh man, that brought up some memories I totally forgot. I remember the AOL chat rooms, meeting someone random and hooking up had never been so easy. I must of done at least a dozen girls using that thing. Good times....and better stories.

 

Well folks, what a mess huh. Must be quite the surprise to alot of you that have known me since I joined. Followed the posts and comments I've made. Probably thinking to your selves...gee what a hypocrite. Maybe, I don't know, it's all so darned confusing inside.
I have such a conflict inside. I know that this is o wrong and what a mess, that i should walk away, should have years ago. Yet part of me says, you love her, you made a solemn oath to her and to God. I have done my best to honor that oath. Yet I've also though of exiting. Just going to the store or to work and not coming back. 3 times I've turned around after 50 miles away and came back. Even in casual conversation with daughter and wife said, yeah ya know, if it ends, I'll just leave, buy a cheap trac phone, chunk the other one, clean out the accounts, set up my direct deposits to a new account. Go somewhere, work under the table for awhile. Get the money to buy a fake ssn and birth cerificate, sell the truck in another state, buy a new car in another and get a new license with new I.D., JUST DISAPPEAR! do all my banking through online when needed, otherwise cash only. Of course I told my daughter I'd be in touch with her and she'd know my number only.
Wife and daughter were a bit shocked and commented, you've really thought this out. I flatly said yep.
The only other to hear this complete story, has been my therapist. This is the first time I've spoken this publicly at anytime. Well except a couple of folks here by pm and they know who they are. I've been a private person. Never have real, deep friendships, mainly because of my childhood. When those you love and worship beat you, inflict pain physically and emotionally it can make one very hard. I put on a brave face and smile for the cameras, while dieing inside. I'm a baby boomer, raised to suck it up butter cup. Real men don't cry. They get it done! I have a beautiful antique bench in our bedroom. Told the wife I've nick named it the crying bench. She asked why. Told her because she doesn't know how many times in the night or early morning, that I've woke up, then sat on that bench, looking at her, thinking about her, about us, softly crying and wondering how did it get so f u k e d up!!

 

I divorced a cheater when I was in my mid-60’s and I‘ve never regretted it but few people late in life take that step because of all it involves. Your wife fears divorce — and she should because she likely can’t support herself — so my guess is that she’ll agree to anything in order for that not to happen. Whether that will be enough for you to feel comfortable is unknown.

 

@TinyTbone ,

First, as you know, I also was unfaithful in my marriage to dear hubby who passed. As always it's a long story, but to summarize we were young enough to try for a baby but knew it would be less likely. We fell pregnant, but lost the baby at about 16 weeks, and yep, we both deeply mourned. After that we had more medical testing done and found out I was entering perimenopause and he had motility issues...so our baby days were over. We both deeply mourned that too. My idea of mourning is to draw closer and lean on each other and cry together--his idea of mourning is to close off, shut down, and completely isolate. To me, I felt like I lost my baby, lost the ability to be a mother, lost a major part of how I defined myself (as fertile and earth-mother), and then lost my husband! And yep, at that time someone just paid a compliment and paid attention, and I slide right down the slippery slope.

We were able to truly reconcile because I was accountable for what I had done, named it by name, and took the time to help him heal--and very graciously, he also took the time to learn and grow to become a better husband (like "walling off after a tragedy is not relating"). It takes two to recover.

So I've been following along your ENTIRE story--all the posts. You know that I know that the time apart during deployment is very hard on a marriage. You know that I understand humans can do wrong and grow from it--it's fairly unlikely but not impossible. So I'm reading your posts, and I can pretty much hear the pain in every word! Were you perfect? NOPE. But it sounds like you did realize the error of your ways and change, meaning you stopped doing that AND you learned how to be a committed, faithful married man with healthy opposite sex boundaries that you enforce on your own self. Was your wife perfect? NOPE. But it sounds like rather than realizing the error of her ways and stopping, she has in the past and continues in the present to do her darnedest to defend her wrongdoing, refuse to learn how to be a committed, faithful married woman, and keep her opposite sex boundaries weak and inappropriate. Long story short: it sounds like she won't admit to herself she was wrong and she doesn't want to protect you or the marriage from her character flaws and weaknesses!

Hey, we all have flaws. We all have weaknesses! The goal isn't "to be perfect" or to be all judgemental on yourself. The goal is to value your partner and your marriage enough to protect them against the flaws and weaknesses you know you have! To me, it doesn't sound like she cares about you enough to face herself.

Now, you have said that divorcing would pretty much take you to the cleaners financially and this late in life, with what you're facing, you don't see that as a wise option. Plus, I suspect you are a decent enough human being that you don't want to divorce! Here's reality: that is not how your partner feels about YOU. No matter how bad you may want or wish or hope that your spouse would "see the light" and want to work things out, I don't see that as reality right now. I see avoiding losing all her assets and lifestyle at best.

Thus, here's my proposal. Buy a vacation home where YOU want to live--I don't care if it costs some, just get a little place if you want--and go live happily there. Keep the marriage "on paper" but get away from the gaslighting and DARVO and ongoing trauma. Yep, you'd be paying two mortgages but what the heck! You wouldn't lose everything and you'd be away from constant PTSD triggers. You may even find some peace. Just go live elsewhere, where you find joy.

 

We were able to truly reconcile because I was accountable for what I had done, named it by name, and took the time to help him heal--and very graciously, he also took the time to learn and grow to become a better husband (like "walling off after a tragedy is not relating"). It takes two to recover.

THIS. It takes two, and she ain’t being the second party. Just saying. Affaire, I did not know this. Now I understand why you get me so deeply.

 

Oh man, this caught me in the feels. I'm so sorry you've grappled with this for so long. Damn, I'm in tears feeling your pain coming through. Been there... got kicked in the ass for trying to save a ****ty marriage to someone with ****ty (or no) morals.

There's no point looking back on what coulda been, what What you shoulda done, that's a done deal. You're here now in anguish 😧 and I have zero advice for you. Only empathy.

I was in your shoes back when I first joined but never posted, I simply didn't have the words or courage then to bare my heart to strangers. Like you, I'm a very private person, with few close friends or anyone really I'd trust 100% so it's absolutely understandable how emotionally draining it is to put your pain out there. Thank you for sharing.

We care about you, you're not alone. There's no room for anyone here to judge you, no matter if you feel like a hypocrite. Every last one of us is here for a reason, disclosed or not no matter what front is posted.

I can't remember how old you said you were, but Openminded share her experience with divorce at 60. It's never too late to take a shot at happiness, even if it ends up just being you. You never know what life can bring tomorrow until you decide to try. Listening to some of the men here, a woman should expect to be a single cat lady after 35 😆. I was 40 and absolutely frozen with fear, I'm still afraid, but we all die alone at the end. How do you want that to feel?

I know this is rather morbid, but your wife sounds completely unrepentant and callous. What do you see in her eyes when you talk about your feelings? It's understandable for you to want to stay in your comfort zone, especially being a cancer survivor and having a mental illness. It's a tough choice to go it alone now, so no judgment here. I see a lot of myself in "The body keeps score", have you read it? It's 5 years post divorce for me and I'm still trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again so I can only imagine how it's been for you dealing with this for so long. Stress really does a number on you, you deserve some peace. Affaircare had some phenomenal advice, it might be something to think about.

Sorry about the epistle! Just know you're not alone, you're not deficient in anyway and you dont deserve this. We don't get the life we deserve, just the one we choose. TAM is here with you for the journey.

 

Wow! Thanks Affaircare for that thoughtful response. You actually mirrored a huge amount of what my therapist talked about in our last session after the BIG talk. The only part we haven't discussed is the different place option...yet.
One thing about my therapist. When I had my first appointment with her, I asked a question. Are you pro marriage or pro happiness? Her thoughtful response was happiness. That sealed the deal for me. Now a question i asked my wife and couple years ago was this. Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right? Her response was both?!?

 

Now a question i asked my wife and couple years ago was this. Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right? Her response was both?!?

When she feels she's right, she's happy.
Makes sense to me.

 

I am humbled at this moment by all here and there acceptance and responses and advice! It has taken over 2 years to finally be able to go publicly all this. I know what it says isn't unique, but it is to me.
I've held this in for so long and it's been eating me alive. I've been having more and more anxiety attacks, becoming more and more incapacitating. SnakePlissken, take note. I fully realize what you go through with the anxiety panic attacks!
When I've posted to others here, I've been honest and empathetic. Thought hard on right and wrong with all the colors in between, all the while somewhat paralyzed. This is my first step at making a change in myself and my life. A baby step at deciding to move forward singlely or together.
We are having daily discussions about all of it. Not arguing, talking and listening. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know I stand at a Y in the road.

 

I am humbled at this moment by all here and there acceptance and responses and advice! It has taken over 2 years to finally be able to go publicly all this. I know what it says isn't unique, but it is to me.
I've held this in for so long and it's been eating me alive. I've been having more and more anxiety attacks, becoming more and more incapacitating. SnakePlissken, take note. I fully realize what you go through with the anxiety panic attacks!
When I've posted to others here, I've been honest and empathetic. Thought hard on right and wrong with all the colors in between, all the while somewhat paralyzed. This is my first step at making a change in myself and my life. A baby step at deciding to move forward singlely or together.
We are having daily discussions about all of it. Not arguing, talking and listening. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know I stand at a Y in the road.

Most of us find TAM because there is a problem.

I was going insane. I needed an outlet. I had been gaslit for so long that I could no longer think straight. I knew something was terribly wrong. I needed help.

yes, I understand this anxiety. The woman in my life could easily tell you as well how much anxiety fills me up on a daily basis today.

but it’s far less than what it was when my exwife was gaslighting me.


I think your wife wants to work on the relationship now because she sees that her cushy life that you’ve provided is slipping away. She is only thinking about herself. Your stories tell me that she has only ever thought of herself.

I hope you find happiness and peace through all of this no matter what. I personally believe that divorce will be your path to happiness, but I certainly would be happy for you however you find it.

 

Pride cometh before the fall.

 

I 💯 support the second residence.

That is exactly where I am... and as soon as my son's highschool is done, I'm shifting again...

 

Wow, I know it took some courage to share all this with a lot of people who have become your friends here. Thank you for opening up, and I hope it is healing for you to find people here to lean on, even if you haven’t met any of us in person.

How do you deal with someone who betrayed your trust so many times and shows no real remorse for any of it?

How do you live with someone who you truly can’t trust?

How do you rebuild yourself and any semblance of a relationship with someone who has said such cruel and hurtful things to you? Those things will forever be etched in your mind.

How do you accept the years of life and opportunity that you probably would have done very differently had you had the truth?

How do you do any of this while living under the same roof with the woman who did this to you?

I don’t have good answers for any of these questions, and I’m dealing with a lot of similar stuff in the thread I posted recently. I just wanted to acknowledge these things you’re probably facing and how terribly hard they are.

I won’t even attempt to weigh in on whether you should stay with your wife or not. With what it would cost you, I think there are valid arguments both ways.

The only suggestion I would give you, assuming you stay married to your wife, is to make a new life for yourself. Pursue your passions, find ways to help others, cross items off your bucket list, make some space from your wife to start to heal.

 

Thank for this. How do I stay? Hopium? People pleaser attachment? Love? Patience? Being pragmatic, knowing i can't miss what I don't have? Hell, sometimes I don't know.
I know this. I really do love her, despite all this, I do. I told her the reason I am still here is because I choose to be. At the end of that talk, i emphatically emphasized i consider us in reconciliation. That there are many issues we have to work through for our marriage to survive. That onus is on her now to help me heal, to cope with all this. For us to recover from the pain we've both suffered through. That i will not allow her to manipulate the facts or me anymore. A spade is a spade. Infidelity is infidelity. She doesn't get to decide my feelings, perceptions or morals. She knows that in my heart and eyes she has sinned against our marriage and me! It's up to her now. I will meet her when she reaches out sincerely and with contrition, but will not tolerate any more of her trying to play a victim in all this and me the bad guy. You didn't like my issues with anger over the years, then you should have left! You got lonely because of me being gone for the Navy, you should have left! Told her she didn't deserve what I did years ago, but this? I did nothing to make her do these things. I didn't omit things. I didn't humiliate her without her knowing. I didn't chase skirts, flirt and womanize. I didn't drink or do drugs. I didn't gamble our pay checks away...no! I was and am, a good husband and father! When I was home I was always present. I was super hands on with our daughter. Her and sister had to demand me to let them do school outings with her! I would die for either them without hesitation! And now, for what did I sacrifice for? To be crippled in my heart by these things? Made out to he a bad guy? No, I'm a good person, with faults like all other humans. Never claimed to be perfect, never expected perfection. But I never, never ever, touched another in all our years together and did not put myself into compromising situations that would cause distrust! I've been with 2 therapists now since 2018 after being diagnosed bipolar, for at least 2 times a month and sometimes more when needed. I've discussed these things with both. When I told them of my EA in the chat room, both after a bit tried to convince me that while it was in appropriate to do, they didn't see that as an affair. Well I guess it's all in one's perspective. I do not excuse myself and feel in heart I did sin against my marriage and have held myself accountable. I now expect my wife to now bear the burdens of her sins. She knows, without a doubt, she's on probation of a sort and I will not tolerate any more blame shifting, manipulation, changing the narratives, rewriting our history. She doesn't deal with this, I will end it immediately!

 

Dang this has been so cathartic to finally get out! It's no walk in the park for me to even read, buts it is real. It did happen to me and too us. I just can't pretend it away.
Geeze, all this and another thing she did that just threw more gas on a fire. About a year before we moved to Tennessee, we had been working on our intimacy alot. So one nite we did some role play stuff. OK so this will be a bit TMI, but lends to what I felt and feel. So we got a French maids costume and I put it on and we played role reversal. Was a blast. We laughed our butt's off. She was amazed I did it at all. Said hey, we are growing together and nothing ventured nothing gained. She took pics for her to remember it. She had in 38 years, never let me take any risqué or nude pics of her. She was always worried I'd show them to someone or someone would see over my shoulder. I was adamant about never doing something so disgusting as that! They were for my eyes only. She finally allowed me to take some and wow it was so cool. Made a locked folder for them. As I told her, they were for my spank bank. So back to the roll play. She had taken some pics of me as well, no biggie. Well that is till I got a text from our friend G, saying whoo whoo! Wow, didn't know you'd be such a hot maid, with one of the pics the wife took attached! Asked her where did she get this pic and she said she wife. Thanked her and afterwards, I was livid! She had done exactly the very thing she feared i would do! I'll just say that the ensuing conversation was not comfortable. How could she do that? She destroyed my trust so severely with this and now, with the slip up. I'm still a mess.
Damn this all sounds like a made for TV drama! I swear folks, a person just can't make this crap up!

 

Well that is till I got a text from our friend G

Unbelievable.
It sounds like she wants you to be faithful to her without her being faithful to you.
Please consider deleting the pics from her phone. If you separate, she may blast them on the internet.
I am really sorry you are dealing with all of this.

 

I have no words of advice. I would have said "walk away" until you posted about the likely settlement terms in a divorce and that just sounds financially crippling.

On the other hand, staying sounds utterly miserable.

 

Agreed but ultimately it would depend on the total income and assets. If there is a good income then both could live comfortably on half.

 

She doesn’t love and respect and consider you the way that you love and respect and consider her. The odds that you’ll see significant permanent change from her are not great. You may see what I call “papering over” of issues because — more than anything — she doesn’t want a divorce so there could be some accommodation by her to prevent that possibility. But significant permanent change? That would take some very hard work on her part and few people her age, and inclination, are willing to put that much effort in. So, ask yourself, where does that leave you?

 

Think about it.

What would that personality change entail?
She would be the actress, playing the good wife role.
Probably inconsistently, spelled poorly.

We are who we are.
For better, or worse.

We are, as is our heart.
Warm or cold, add in selfish.
Present or absent.

Remember the adage of trying to: "Make a silk purse out of a sow's ear".
It cannot be done.

Rather than hate or disparage your wife, accept that she is not a good partner.
Do as others have suggested and remain married, but separate.

Buy a cabin on a lake.
Then invite us!

 

Ah, I'm such a foolish romantic. One that has lived on hopium to long. However I have a brain as well as a heart. I have the coming weekend off. I will be moving into the spare bedroom. I need the the space. I really need the space. For now it will have to do. I will minimize our interactions to just a friendly relationship. I'll be seeing my therapist early next week, so we can discuss my feelings more over this. I just don't want to make a miss step. Focus is important.

 

good.

May your sleep be sound, for the first time in a long time.

P.S. I'm gonna guess you won't do my "2 fancey toilets date a sledgehammer" idea, but but but, you do know "the crying bench" has to go, right?

P.S.2: you didn;t tell us what you plan to do this weekend beside moving to the spare bedroom so I guess you're ripe for homework: look at the trees and make a poem. or a (tiny) book. but make our Mr. Bard, @SunCMars proud.
and Yes, you can still be the new YOU, by doing small changes.

 

She clearly doesn't care about your feelings or needs. Don't discount the possibility that she will divorce YOU.

If she decides to go that route she will most likely meet with an attorney who will advise her to play the DV card. There are things you need to do to try to prevent this from happening in addition to safeguarding your finances.

In a divorce the early steps can have a much larger bearing in the outcome. As I said in a now deleted post, you may be overly fatalistic when you describe your likely outcome in divorce. There are ways to survive those 2 short years while you're paying support, and that includes couch surfing at friends and relatives, or renting a room in a shared house. Staying together for the rest of your life to avoid 2 tough years isn't worth the tradeoff.

 

Ah, SunCMars...your little sonnet gave me a gump moment. All i could think was forrest saying Lt. Dan, you got magic legs!

 

Separations later in life are, IME, more common than divorce. One couple I know spent their 60’s and 70’s in separate houses hundreds of miles apart (beach for one, mountains for the other) only seeing each other for family functions. That worked great until around 80 when bad health for him turned her into his caregiver. Now they’re together 24/7 again and no longer happy but separate lives worked well for them for many years.

 

The majority of couples don't have the option of 2 homes though.

 

TTB, I am caught up on your gut-wrenching thread and commend you for unburdening your soul here. I hope that in some way it has been both cathartic and therapeutic for you. I, along with other betrayeds that have faced similar circumstabces, have a tremendous amount of empathy for you.

You may or may not have read snippets of my story but a quick thumbnail is that my first wife betrayed me with my then best friend. I was a young husband and father with zero understanding as to how to cope with this. My upbringing was tumultuous to say least. More of a decades long lesson of what not to do in your marriage and family. I wanted just the opposite and got something worse...marital treason with a guy I had considered another brother.

I gutted it out for over a decade in what I now refer to as a frankenmarriage before it all ended. Those were brutal years. I rationalized much of it as hanging in there for the kids but man o man, what a price was paid.

In following years I recovered and healed after a lot of good therapy then found a worthy woman to share my life with who was also a veteran of a terrible betrayal. Together we have built what I had always hoped for. We have both paid a lot of tuition in post treason recovery and came out stronger and (hopefully) wiser.

What brought me here some years ago was a massive trigger over the loss of a close friend who ended themself over the treason of their spouse. This individual was strong, good looking, top performer at work, well liked, good friend, great parent, talked glowingly of their spouse but when the betrayal came out, it. crushed. them. So much so the they felt they could not go on. I was shocked, deeply saddened and frankly, enraged. People who minimize the impact of their treason are not only "not safe", they are deeply twisted inside and have an integrity gap in their soul the size of a canyon. They toy with the destruction of not only their life but those closest to them. They are grenade jugglers.

That said, I used to use a "blame and flame" approach toward all traitors but have tempered that with some moderation. As I have stated before, I no longer believe in an all or nothing approach. There are levels of reconciliation imo and what I now advise betrayeds is to establish what a "minimum standard" of reconciliation looks like in order to stay in the marriage. Its not everything you may want and hope for, but is hopefully better than the staus quo. Of course, it takes two to tango and your spouse must be willing to cooperate in working toward that goal though there is a LOT of water under the bridge.

Alternatively, I do kinda like Affaircare's suggestion to build a parallel lifestyle with a place just for you to get away and recharge.

Whichever path forward you choose, I wish you strength and peace sir.

 

Keep in mind, his wife may not like being 'separated". She may, later on, follow through on divorce herself.

She may be better off, financially.
Ugh, likely....

 

Sorry, SunCMars...not happening. I have through meds and deep self awareness, evolved changed myself to be a calmer, real person. However, that bipolar beast still exists, still rages to come out and play.
Before she should ever profit at my destruction, I'm afraid that beast will come out and it makes R.Lee Ermy's DI portrayal in the movie Full Metal Jacket, look warm and fuzzy and loving. I was taught at a very young age what pain is and how to inflict it.

 

@TinyTbone what does she think you'll do with her nude pics now? Is she goading you to act out I wonder?

I'm thinking she did it purposely because she now wants to see what you'll do.

 

Hey folks. So I've finally decided to write out my full story. I had hit on some of it when I first joined. Granted I was all over the place emotionally at that time.
It's a long one and I'm going to be short about each area of it and discuss or answer questions that may come in more detail.
PART 1. We have been married 40 years; fact. I served in the Navy for 20 years, 6 months and 9 days. Retired in 2003. Fact. I am who I say I am,fact. I have never trolled anyone here. Fact. Here goes.

I'll begin sort of in the middle. Was in the summer of 1998. I was stationed.in Everett, Washington on a Destroyer. We had a learning resource center, with computers. What a concept. The internet was pretty new to alot, in it's infancy. Email was king. Cell phones were basic dumb phones. No texting as yet. Chat rooms seemed to be the rage. One on my workers goaded.me into opening an email account, so I was learning.i discovered chat rooms, it was a novel idea. I frequented one site in particular. Started chatting in open rooms with a specific person often, often enough to create our own private room.
Had been married 14 years at this point. No home PC. So anyway, I'd hit the chat room on lunch breaks or on duty nights. The other person was a woman. I'm sure you know now where this went. Got in to deep. Remember all was done through chat. Never have i seen what she looked like or met IRL. She wanted to meet. I freaked out. Told the wife about it. Didn't defend what I did. Felt horrid for it. I was completely honest, even went the to the site and opened up the room and let her go through all the messages. To say she was hurt was an understatement. There were never any I love you's or talk of leaving our partners. Just mundane things and sexual fantasy talk. My wife had been worried something was up with me, and unbeknownst to me 2 days before this she and her niece had cracked my email at her sister's house and found this. So there was the added humiliation and shame she endured at the both of them seeing this as well! The next couple months were very rough with us, obviously. I never evaded any questions. I took all her anger and lashing out, I deserved it. However we never talked of splitting up.
This was something very uncharacteristic for me. No matter what, it was what is called today, an EA. I still feel a deep shame inside to this day. Now a couple months later I deployed on a 6 month forward deployment to the Persian Gulf. Slowly things normalized over the next year or so. If she has ever to this day asked anything of it, I do my best to answer, given the length of time, to the best of my ability.
OK, so that cats out of the bag now, I cheated. No other way to say it! But wait, there's more, much more to this. I will contnue over several posts to today's current issues.

What you done was bad but not major.
Your wife has taken this to a whole new level.
She is deflecting and gaslighting you a common reaction for a cheating wife.
Obviously your wife has given you a toned down censored version of events. She will never divulged the whole truth and you`ll always have images in your mind of her with the guy or guys even possibly another woman.

This would be a deal breaker for me regardless how long I`ve been married and I`d be done.
This has happened and now it`s up to you to decide your way forward.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

I want to thank you all for the time to read what I've written. For your kindness and understanding. It seems that once hit the wall and decided to finally come out here, so much has just been vomiting from my soul. I'm sorry for the constant bombardment of info. Just ...just I didn't realize how much i had just stuffed away for so long. Ive said its amazing how much we can endure and it becomes the norm.
The wife full on knows that I will not longer accept the status quo, her status quo. I have emphatically told her, those days are over.

 

You were beyond livid that you got a pic of your wife's friends boobs when you asked your wife for a pic of hers. I mean it was a harmless joke! I would have played along and suggested a threesome. Instead of making it a funny experience you raged over it.

This sort of fury fueled over the too response to something playful is part of why she has pulled away from you.

 

It was completely inappropriate of her and her friend.