[Satisfied Mind]

You see, I don’t remember the good times. I get how some people can do that, but I no longer see those as “good times”. I was set up. It was a long con. It was purposeful. I believe your wife did the same to you. The good times were a ploy to get you hooked.

sure, at some level she probably enjoyed herself a little bit at the start, but that was never the end game.

Her vow to you wasn’t what you thought it was. Not the way you meant it. She just didn’t finish her statement when taking her vows. The silent part she didn’t say was “til you no longer do what I want.”

Damn, that cuts deep.

 

[TinyTbone]

@TinyTbone - maybe I’ve missed it, but have you stated what you truly want for the remainder of your life?

like, If you could choose whatever you wanted, what would it be?

if you can’t have your first choice, what would be the second?

what is your third?

This is something I'm really thinking of. What is it that Will give the happiness i want in this world. If, and i stress if, she can evolve, make some fundamental changes, then she can be that ride or die partner. However, now it's me time. I've put her and our daughter before me, sacrificed my wants and desires all these years to make them happy. The rest of my years on this big blue marble are gonna be filled with me exploring, finding, doing what I put off all these years!
As dumb as this sounds, a biggie want for me, is to get my first car again. A 1971 Dodge Charger SE. Don't need to be be perfect. Not looking to restore. Just wanna revist a happy time of my youth and drive the wheels off it!!
I want to go to the Florida Keys! Just to wiggle my toes in the sand and say, I'm here! I've been on 6 continents, but I've never been to Las Vegas! So many things I want to do and see. I want to slip a line in the water, listening to quite music and just peacefully snooze.
It's supposed to be my time. 51 years working, 2 retirements with social security. I want out of the game while I still have gas in the tank. Now with the cancer, time is compressing for me.
No she either fits, or doesn't. I'm tired of carrying dead weight.

 

[Openminded]

People who know they’re getting left behind usually make lots of promises to change. Maybe they even mean that at the time. But temporary change is the easy part — permanent change is not. Especially later in life. So when you get those promises, focus on her actions over time and not her words. Time is short — enjoy it.

 

[TinyTbone]

People who know they’re getting left behind usually make lots of promises to change. Maybe they even mean that at the time. But temporary change is the easy part — permanent change is not. Especially later in life. So when you get those promises, focus on her actions over time and not her words. Time is short — enjoy it.

Indeed, I shall. Thank you.

 

[LATERILUS79]

This is something I'm really thinking of. What is it that Will give the happiness i want in this world. If, and i stress if, she can evolve, make some fundamental changes, then she can be that ride or die partner. However, now it's me time. I've put her and our daughter before me, sacrificed my wants and desires all these years to make them happy. The rest of my years on this big blue marble are gonna be filled with me exploring, finding, doing what I put off all these years!
As dumb as this sounds, a biggie want for me, is to get my first car again. A 1971 Dodge Charger SE. Don't need to be be perfect. Not looking to restore. Just wanna revist a happy time of my youth and drive the wheels off it!!
I want to go to the Florida Keys! Just to wiggle my toes in the sand and say, I'm here! I've been on 6 continents, but I've never been to Las Vegas! So many things I want to do and see. I want to slip a line in the water, listening to quite music and just peacefully snooze.
It's supposed to be my time. 51 years working, 2 retirements with social security. I want out of the game while I still have gas in the tank. Now with the cancer, time is compressing for me.
No she either fits, or doesn't. I'm tired of carrying dead weight.

Ok. I like the game plan.


There really is no reason to involve your wife in the things you mentioned doing. I get your #1. You want your wife if she can evolve and make some fundamental changes.

Let’s get this elephant in the room out of the way.

you won’t be getting your #1 choice. You also knew that information yourself. I know you know this. It’s like when “make a wish foundation” comes to give a terminal child their one wish. We all know the child is going to say for them to cure their cancer.

can’t do it.

so what’s your #2? Ok, let’s work with that. And you know what? You don’t even need to divorce your wife. You need to get yourself to the point I reached.

all out of f*cks to give


go get that f*cking car. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Go to Vegas and spend some money. I would also suggest getting yourself a high end hooker and enjoy a full night of sweet debauchery.


seriously…. Give me a good reason why not?


if your wife asks you where you are going, don’t even answer her. Why does she need to know? Where in the rule book does it say you need to do what a cheating, lying and dead bedroom forming wife tells you to do? If you do feel like talking, here is what I would say if she asked what am I doing.


I’m doing whatever the f*ck I want.


Then walk out.



I’m dead serious.



Look - I flew across the country because I felt like taking a gal out on a date. A DATE.

why did I do that? Because I wanted to and there was no one around anymore that could stop me. It is a freedom that is impossible to describe. You just have to cut yourself some slack and give that freedom to yourself.

 

[ConanHub]

😉

 

[manwithnoname]

@TinyTbone , I had no idea you had all these troubles, so sorry to learn this.

Maybe do what is suggested occasionally……. how would you advise the OP if it was someone else and not you?

 

[TinyTbone]

Ok. I like the game plan.


There really is no reason to involve your wife in the things you mentioned doing. I get your #1. You want your wife if she can evolve and make some fundamental changes.

Let’s get this elephant in the room out of the way.

you won’t be getting your #1 choice. You also knew that information yourself. I know you know this. It’s like when “make a wish foundation” comes to give a terminal child their one wish. We all know the child is going to say for them to cure their cancer.

can’t do it.

so what’s your #2? Ok, let’s work with that. And you know what? You don’t even need to divorce your wife. You need to get yourself to the point I reached.

all out of f*cks to give


go get that f*cking car. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Go to Vegas and spend some money. I would also suggest getting yourself a high end hooker and enjoy a full night of sweet debauchery.


seriously…. Give me a good reason why not?


if your wife asks you where you are going, don’t even answer her. Why does she need to know? Where in the rule book does it say you need to do what a cheating, lying and dead bedroom forming wife tells you to do? If you do feel like talking, here is what I would say if she asked what am I doing.


I’m doing whatever the f*ck I want.


Then walk out.



I’m dead serious.



Look - I flew across the country because I felt like taking a gal out on a date. A DATE.

why did I do that? Because I wanted to and there was no one around anymore that could stop me. It is a freedom that is impossible to describe. You just have to cut yourself some slack and give that freedom to yourself.

Brother, I guess the question is, what do you really feel! Man, at first I'm sorta chuckling at this, especially the high ender, then I'm thinking...why not? Why not just do what I really want.
I'm going to take a bit of time to figure out this will all play out. Right now, I'm getting out of the crazy emotions and using calm sense and logic. I'll give her the opportunity with

@TinyTbone , I had no idea you had all these troubles, so sorry to learn this.

Maybe do what is suggested occasionally……. how would you advise the OP if it was someone else and not you?

Oh believe, I am revisting the things I've advised others! How could I not and have the dignity to show my face in this neighborhood.
The people I've met here have been remarkable with their stories and willingness to be shoulder to lean on. It has taken me time to come out here. I'm a very private person, and if you've kept up with most of my posts and responses, I've not disparged my wife. It's not a gentleman's way? Well that way obviously didn't work.
I've always told those around me, say what you mean, mean what you say...it's a credo worth living by. I've come to identify over time with therapy that I enabled my wife to live how she has and treat me as she has, because I have a people pleaser attachment style.
I had been dealing with so many things the last few years. Hearing her words echoing in my mind, of very mean things she has said. However whith the last statement she made about her, G, and J hanging out and all sharing a bed together...that did it. That broke the camels back.
I'm not going to make any immediate and permanent decisions. I surely cannot afford a second residence. I'm just an average blue collar worker. We will have to share space regardless. I have a nice, almost new queen bed all to myself in a different room. Daughter and I will have to share a bathroom, that's no biggie.
I can see in her face the fear of she really effed it up bad this time, and it's not in her control any longer! Consequences. She must face herself now. This is a reckoning of sorts. Theres nowhere to run, nowhere to hide any more. I have done as the scriptures told us, and turned the other cheek. The slaps are done.

 

[TinyTbone]

Hey everyone! As so many told me, so I take sage advice. In about an hour I'm heading out to my nephews house over in South Carolina for family visit and some extra love. So I'll probably be spotty at best checking in over the weekend, cuz... well it's me time!
Bless all of ya and a good weekend as well!

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Hey everyone! As so many told me, so I take sage advice. In about an hour I'm heading out to my nephews house over in South Carolina for family visit and some extra love. So I'll probably be spotty at best checking in over the weekend, cuz... well it's me time!
Bless all of ya and a good weekend as well!

Outstanding! Have a super time !!!

 

[LATERILUS79]

Brother, I guess the question is, what do you really feel! Man, at first I'm sorta chuckling at this, especially the high ender, then I'm thinking...why not? Why not just do what I really want.
I'm going to take a bit of time to figure out this will all play out. Right now, I'm getting out of the crazy emotions and using calm sense and logic. I'll give her the opportunity with


Oh believe, I am revisting the things I've advised others! How could I not and have the dignity to show my face in this neighborhood.
The people I've met here have been remarkable with their stories and willingness to be shoulder to lean on. It has taken me time to come out here. I'm a very private person, and if you've kept up with most of my posts and responses, I've not disparged my wife. It's not a gentleman's way? Well that way obviously didn't work.
I've always told those around me, say what you mean, mean what you say...it's a credo worth living by. I've come to identify over time with therapy that I enabled my wife to live how she has and treat me as she has, because I have a people pleaser attachment style.
I had been dealing with so many things the last few years. Hearing her words echoing in my mind, of very mean things she has said. However whith the last statement she made about her, G, and J hanging out and all sharing a bed together...that did it. That broke the camels back.
I'm not going to make any immediate and permanent decisions. I surely cannot afford a second residence. I'm just an average blue collar worker. We will have to share space regardless. I have a nice, almost new queen bed all to myself in a different room. Daughter and I will have to share a bathroom, that's no biggie.
I can see in her face the fear of she really effed it up bad this time, and it's not in her control any longer! Consequences. She must face herself now. This is a reckoning of sorts. Theres nowhere to run, nowhere to hide any more. I have done as the scriptures told us, and turned the other cheek. The slaps are done.

Good. I’m glad you are doing something for YOU.

I feel strongly about these things because I’m tired of watching so many men sacrifice their lives for bad entitled women because society tells us to do so. I’m tired.

you’ve paid your dues. You’ve given your life to so many others. Modern society tells you that you are a bad person because you are a man and you should sacrifice yourself. I’m tired of men listening to this. We have a short time on this earth. 97% of us on this site are on the 2nd half of our lives. The most valuable thing we all have is time. You can’t buy more time….. so don’t waste it.

don’t waste giving any more of your time to your wife. She’s shown you over decades that she will take a huge crap on your time. She doesn’t deserve it. You do. If I was in your situation, I wouldn’t share one more second of my time with someone unless they deserved it. I don’t think you should use any more time to “figure things out”. I think you have figured things out.

you don’t need her permission. Do what you want to do. Again, if I were you, I would buy that 1971 Charger while I was visiting family this weekend. Why not?

 

[SunCMars]

@TinyTbone, not sure what you found funny about my post. Should I stop posting? If my thoughts are not helpful, I'll bow out of the discussion.

You are too sensitive.

Some people laugh when they should cry.
Some people laugh to pretend they are strong.

Some people show their anger by laughing.
This is what you are thinking about him.

You may have touched on a sensitive point.
The truth hurts,

The funny bone only has one response.
II elicits yelps, sounding like laughing.

Or, when your leg goes to sleep and you try to stand!!

Some people try to guess what others are thinking.
Ouch!
Mea Culpa!

Posting on TAM is similar to the game Charades.
Where you try to figure out something based on their gestures or words.
I try to use my strong intuition.

Note:
Some men find it hard to take good or bad tasting medicine from any women.
It is a macho, male pride thing.

Dunno.
I am not sure this is the case here.

End, this TJ.

 

[SunCMars]

TTB....

You have admitted to having a Bi Polar diagnosis.

Could this whole episode be the result of that?
With this condition not allowing you to move forward?
This feeling of loss, betrayal, and dread, will eventually pass.

What you wrote about your wife's behavior has remained the same throughout you marriage, correct?
Why now, what is this trigger you mention?


Are Dee-

.................................................................

From the other side...

I see these thoughts of yours, this distress you are feeling to be a timing thing.

Where some cruel fate is trying to push you into some other situation.

From the looks of it, into a bad place, a worse place than where you presently are.

We are but antenna's and external psychic forces are ever present.

While it looks like delayed Karma, from her past indiscretion's, it likely will hurt you more than her if you are rash.

The thing is...

The hurt has already started and it remains.



King Brian-

 

[Openminded]

Enjoy yourself this weekend and many happy weekends in your future. I was a year older than you when I finally made my break for freedom. You’ll find your freedom in whatever way it applies to you. If it’s that extra bedroom and weekends to yourself, hunting down your Charger, then go for it. Time passes much more quickly the older you get and many people (like my exH) run out of time long before they thought they would. Don’t let that be you.

 

[TXTrini]

Damn BigDaddyNY! When I read that and you recounted the things I've had to deal with...geeze I feel like it's time I took my own advice to others that been through less! That list is just absolutely hard to read back brother. No apologies needed about when I first came here. I was a mess! Alot of you beat me up and it focused me and calmed me for a bit.
As I write these things...so many things come to mind. Our 38th anniversary i took her on a second honey moon to Boise, Idaho, to the Anniversary Inn. Look it it up...awesome place. Stayed in 4 different amazing and romantic themed rooms over 5 days. It's a.second honey moon right? Not a single loving, passionate kiss, nada. The hits just keep going 😢

Oh wow.

How do women like this get men who dote on them while decent ones get their asses handed to them? (Yes, I know it happens to men too, but TinyT don't do you!).

Don't let my comment make you feel bad. I'm too ashamed to talk about some of the things I dealt with and can't bear to immortalize on the internet.

So sorry, Mr. T.

 

[SunCMars]

I want out of the game while I still have gas in the tank. Now with the cancer, time is compressing for me.
No she either fits, or doesn't. I'm tired of carrying dead weight.

Hmm...

Cancer.

With over a hundred posts in, this cancer fear comes out.
You did say that you had facial skin cancer, and follow on radiation treatment, earlier on in one of your posts.

Is this still a threat?

So, this is the motivation.

You fear death is on your doorstep and you want to experience life at its fullest.
Right now!

Since you have the funds, go ahead and do the things you always wanted.
Buy that antique Dodge Charger!

............................................................

A key point that I came across in your posts was that house fire you experienced.
Astrologically, that is a serious configuration.

It could mean that the last years of your life could be painful, the 4th house.
Violence, destruction and pain could be indicated.

This is the cyclic part of your life.

It often points to one of your parents, often the mother, who had her travails.
Maybe it was a contentious relationship with the parents.

 

[Satisfied Mind]

This is something I'm really thinking of. What is it that Will give the happiness i want in this world. If, and i stress if, she can evolve, make some fundamental changes, then she can be that ride or die partner. However, now it's me time. I've put her and our daughter before me, sacrificed my wants and desires all these years to make them happy. The rest of my years on this big blue marble are gonna be filled with me exploring, finding, doing what I put off all these years!
As dumb as this sounds, a biggie want for me, is to get my first car again. A 1971 Dodge Charger SE. Don't need to be be perfect. Not looking to restore. Just wanna revist a happy time of my youth and drive the wheels off it!!
I want to go to the Florida Keys! Just to wiggle my toes in the sand and say, I'm here! I've been on 6 continents, but I've never been to Las Vegas! So many things I want to do and see. I want to slip a line in the water, listening to quite music and just peacefully snooze.
It's supposed to be my time. 51 years working, 2 retirements with social security. I want out of the game while I still have gas in the tank. Now with the cancer, time is compressing for me.
No she either fits, or doesn't. I'm tired of carrying dead weight.

I like this idea. It’s amazing how much energy and time I wasted trying to salvage a broken relationship with someone who wasn’t willing to put in the work to change and grow. If you can now put that energy into yourself instead like you’ve outlined here, it’s the equivalent of getting a massive raise or 4 extra hours in your day. It feels so freeing.

You can include your wife or not. Some of that may depend on how she responds. She can get on your bus or she can stay home.

People who know they’re getting left behind usually make lots of promises to change. Maybe they even mean that at the time. But temporary change is the easy part — permanent change is not. Especially later in life. So when you get those promises, focus on her actions over time and not her words. Time is short — enjoy it.

Exactly. I feel like TTB’s wife needs to earn her way back with actions into a treasured spot in his life. Until then, he can include her if it’s convenient or doesn’t impact his enjoyment, but meaningful (re)connection can’t happen without trust and regained trust is based on repeated action and demonstrated effort.

I'm a very private person, and if you've kept up with most of my posts and responses, I've not disparged my wife.

I haven’t seen you disparage your wife in this thread. You’re finally being honest and open about what’s happened. The fact that it isn’t a good look for her doesn’t mean you’re putting her down. Part of the exhaustion and difficulty of the situation you and many of us are or have been is feeling like we have to hold back the truth in the name of respecting our spouse or making it work. But as you point out, that’s not living with integrity, where your actions, words and thoughts are aligned. And that lack of authenticity sucks away so much energy and life.

 

[Quad73]

It’s amazing how much energy and time I wasted trying to salvage a broken relationship with someone who wasn’t willing to put in the work to change and grow.

I'm slowly, slowly learning the lesson not to give more care, time, concern and consideration than the other person is willing to give back in return. This applies to friendships too. Obviously it's heartbreaking. But it's also surprisingly counterproductive isn't it?

 

[jlg07]

TTB, check this out -- some very reasonable prices (not sure why -- I thought they'd be UBER expensive!!!)

Pardon Our Interruption...

 

[LATERILUS79]

Oh wow.

How do women like this get men who dote on them while decent ones get their asses handed to them? (Yes, I know it happens to men too, but TinyT don't do you!).

Don't let my comment make you feel bad. I'm too ashamed to talk about some of the things I dealt with and can't bear to immortalize on the internet.

So sorry, Mr. T.

Because we were all super young once, Trini. We are all human and we make mistakes. It infuriates me to know of your story, LisaDiane and others. How is it possible that the good women find the terrible men?

don’t know. Don’t think I’ll ever know.


want to fix it anyway. Gonna do whatever I can to make sure my daughter finds a proper, good and masculine man and my son finds a sweet feminine woman.

in the meantime, I’ll just keep stirring up sh1t here.