Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi guys this is my 1st post.

I'm a mid 20's newly wed and have huge issues with my wifes behaviour. And its mainly because of her issues that we have a problems. FYI we have a 6yo (im not biological father, hes not around) I'll try to keep it short.

Basically my wife is a very negative and neurotic person. She has self image issues, anger issues, depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive etc etc and i'm at my ropes end. Alot of her issues stem from her parents (her mother is exactly the same but worse!) All to often i'm blamed for any tiny thing that she considers wrong, despite it having anything at all to do with me.

Her anger issues are the worst. If absolutely anything goes wrong her 1st reaction is anger, at me, regardless of how big the issue is! I believe this is so because she lacks basic problem solving skills (i'm constantly texted and called to solve everything, if i hear 'what do i do' again i''l snap!!!)
Also she has issues with things that would be foreign to anyone!
Today my parents called because they wanted to speak to her, she was out and i'd told them i'll get her to call back. When she got home she for no apparent reason refused to call! I couldn't believe it that she wouldn't call! She has a history of not letting my family in, for no logical reason. And we had a fight over it and i went out to defuse the situation.
She has been violent towards me in the past on only a few occasions.
I should write here that she has been to psychologist, 3 times, after the last time she was violent and worked out why she is. then we got married and now she wont go back saying she know what to do. I dont think so.
So to summarise she has no problem solving skills which lead her to angry outbursts at the 1st sign of a problem. Though it seems she's always angry at the world and she takes it out on me.
She also has never once apologised without me having to drill it out of her, and when she does its the most half assed garbage i could hear.
Her body issues have reached a bad point now. I'll 1st say that she is absolutely gorgeous!!! She does have a bit of puppy fat on her thighs but definately nothing even remotely bad what so ever, barely noticable unless you look. and she does have stretch marks from her pregnancy, i do not notice these at all.
but after our wedding we recieved an email link from our photographer with some photos he's put up for us to preview. i knew straight away she wouldn't like them and guess what, she didnt! They were in low resolution so was not great images but she ignored that to go on a negative rant about how bad they are, they were all absolute great photos!! anyway i was not allowed to forward the link to my mother, she said she'd kill herself if i did (she not kidding she's gone on about that stuff in other issues and shown behaviour to that) My mum was gutted.
Her obsessive compulsive nature see's me refuse to go shopping with her because its agonising. lately while looking for wrapping paper for xmas she went through every single roll in an entire 4 level mall to find one. and when she found one she went over the whole thing to see if it had any dings or dents! and then didnt buy any!

anyway this is going on for a bit. I'D like anyone to share their similar experiances, wisdom and knowledge with me and if you know how to get a spouse to get councilling, especially if they refuse or think they are cured!!!
im tired of feeling like im being walked over and taken for granted. Every time a little bit of me gets taken away!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,017 Posts
Today my parents called because they wanted to speak to her, she was out and i'd told them i'll get her to call back. When she got home she for no apparent reason refused to call! I couldn't believe it that she wouldn't call! She has a history of not letting my family in, for no logical reason.
No logical reason? im sure you can think of a reason. why did your parents want to talk to her? I dont talk to my in-laws. not a chance. I would never tell my H he needs to talk to my mom. we've been married two years, together for almost five and never has my mom called to talk to him. that would be weird. for me, I cant think of a logical reason why my H would need to talk to my mom. I think its very strange that you expect her to talk to them. so there's some perspective for you. just because you think its normal, doesnt mean everyone else has to.

here's some more perspective for you. You married this girl. One has to wonder what kind of man would fall in love with this kind of girl. certainly not an emotionally healthy man. Instead of sitting around trying to figure out how to fix her, take a look at yourself. you attracted her because you are a nut, too. nothing personal. but if you want real help you're going to have to face the facts.

im not saying you should stay with her. she seems out of control and in need of a reality check. but then so do you. if you attracted this girl once, you'll attract the same problem again. Only it will be a different shell, but the same nut. If you walk around thinking this is all her then you'll keep running into these same kind of girls. you're going to have to figure out where you are emotionally unhealthy before you can attract a healthy girl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
I would find a way to get her to a really good therapist or offer couples therapy as a way to get her back there. Thats unfair to you to be the one she has her out bursts towards and its not fair to her to live like that! I tired new meds once that made me mad, so angry!! I would flipp outs over the smallest thing, it was horrible! I couldnt control it, I finally switched meds and I havent had one angry filp out since! Is your wife on any meds right now? Some times meds dont work right for people... but Blanca makes some good points but your wifes issues seem like they could be helped. She going to want to get help tho. Her actions are not healthy, and you cant make her change. Fixing self imaige issues is a rough road and unless she is willing to put the effort into 'fixing' her issues then nothing will ever get done. You can send some one off to a Dr, stick em on meds and that may help but they wont get better unless they want to. Thats also a problem with depression, its hard to get anything done when depressed, you dont realize that you can be happy again. But it involes sooo much work that it can seem impossible to feel differently. Ive been battling with mine for years and finally started therapy about 6 months ago w/ meds and Ive still got a long road ahead of me
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,605 Posts
here's some more perspective for you. You married this girl. One has to wonder what kind of man would fall in love with this kind of girl. certainly not an emotionally healthy man. Instead of sitting around trying to figure out how to fix her, take a look at yourself. you attracted her because you are a nut, too. nothing personal. but if you want real help you're going to have to face the facts.
You know, sometimes small personality quirks get worse over time or someone gets worse at hiding it.

A man with no experience dealing with disturbed people can certainly fall in love with someone such as she.

Only after time spent does one find out the extend of trouble.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
53 Posts
Maybe make an appointment to go to a licensed family therapist for both of you. Tell her nicely that you've decided to go to work on your marriage and you would like her to join you. If she does not choose to join you, go without her. Do not make it sound like a threat, because it isn't. It's just a fact that your relationship needs help. Then you can get some advice with or without her on what you should do.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,751 Posts
This isn't about counselling it is about you having some balls and being assertive. If you do not learn how to do that - how to hold your own and insist on being treated fairly:
- It will get worse
- She will lose respect for you and stop having sex with you

Your screen name screams conflict avoidance. You cannot have a relationship with your type woman without some intense conflict that you handle with courage, calm and excellent communication. Being aggressive will backfire, being assertive and dominant and tenacious will work fine.

I am very practiced at this 20 years married to someone like your wife.... Happy to - but that is because I learned early on how to keep her from getting totally out of control.


Hi guys this is my 1st post.

I'm a mid 20's newly wed and have huge issues with my wifes behaviour. And its mainly because of her issues that we have a problems. FYI we have a 6yo (im not biological father, hes not around) I'll try to keep it short.

Basically my wife is a very negative and neurotic person. She has self image issues, anger issues, depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive etc etc and i'm at my ropes end. Alot of her issues stem from her parents (her mother is exactly the same but worse!) All to often i'm blamed for any tiny thing that she considers wrong, despite it having anything at all to do with me.

Her anger issues are the worst. If absolutely anything goes wrong her 1st reaction is anger, at me, regardless of how big the issue is! I believe this is so because she lacks basic problem solving skills (i'm constantly texted and called to solve everything, if i hear 'what do i do' again i''l snap!!!)
Also she has issues with things that would be foreign to anyone!
Today my parents called because they wanted to speak to her, she was out and i'd told them i'll get her to call back. When she got home she for no apparent reason refused to call! I couldn't believe it that she wouldn't call! She has a history of not letting my family in, for no logical reason. And we had a fight over it and i went out to defuse the situation.
She has been violent towards me in the past on only a few occasions.
I should write here that she has been to psychologist, 3 times, after the last time she was violent and worked out why she is. then we got married and now she wont go back saying she know what to do. I dont think so.
So to summarise she has no problem solving skills which lead her to angry outbursts at the 1st sign of a problem. Though it seems she's always angry at the world and she takes it out on me.
She also has never once apologised without me having to drill it out of her, and when she does its the most half assed garbage i could hear.
Her body issues have reached a bad point now. I'll 1st say that she is absolutely gorgeous!!! She does have a bit of puppy fat on her thighs but definately nothing even remotely bad what so ever, barely noticable unless you look. and she does have stretch marks from her pregnancy, i do not notice these at all.
but after our wedding we recieved an email link from our photographer with some photos he's put up for us to preview. i knew straight away she wouldn't like them and guess what, she didnt! They were in low resolution so was not great images but she ignored that to go on a negative rant about how bad they are, they were all absolute great photos!! anyway i was not allowed to forward the link to my mother, she said she'd kill herself if i did (she not kidding she's gone on about that stuff in other issues and shown behaviour to that) My mum was gutted.
Her obsessive compulsive nature see's me refuse to go shopping with her because its agonising. lately while looking for wrapping paper for xmas she went through every single roll in an entire 4 level mall to find one. and when she found one she went over the whole thing to see if it had any dings or dents! and then didnt buy any!

anyway this is going on for a bit. I'D like anyone to share their similar experiances, wisdom and knowledge with me and if you know how to get a spouse to get councilling, especially if they refuse or think they are cured!!!
im tired of feeling like im being walked over and taken for granted. Every time a little bit of me gets taken away!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Get out quick she is a nightmare. Wake up man this women you love is a Nutcase. Why did you fall in love with all her negative traits? ask yourself why you were attracted to her nagative traits?
Or did you only find out after you married her?
She isnt that crazy gal from NY on Bride Zilla's how is she she sounds alot like this lady who just got married as in angry all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
In reading your story I do have to reply that in some ways, you need to stand up to her. I know you have read my story and I have some insight into your wifes behavior but..... if my wife became violent in any way, she would find her and her stuff out front with the police. I would not, could not tolerate that type of behavior. I would worry that it would happen to the kids as well.
That being said, I understand where you are coming from, you fell in love with her and now she is a different person. I say she needs to go into therapy and stick with it. She sounds depressed and maybe a personality disorder.
I would add that the body issues are a hard nut to crack because no matter how good they look to you, to them they look awful. My wife has had three kids, still wears a size 3 and has a great figure but to her, she is the ugliest most unattractive woman alive. No matter how I try to show her or tell her, "the little voice in her head" wins.
Its a process that I am still going through and I wager that I will be going through it for the rest of my life with one exception, my wife is aware that it must change or there will be an endgame. While I have not threatened nor sure that I could ( I have honor issues), she sees it as a real possibility.
I think she needs to be aware that there are boundaries and she cannot cross them or there will be consequences.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
This isn't about counselling it is about you having some balls and being assertive. If you do not learn how to do that - how to hold your own and insist on being treated fairly:
- It will get worse
- She will lose respect for you and stop having sex with you

Your screen name screams conflict avoidance. You cannot have a relationship with your type woman without some intense conflict that you handle with courage, calm and excellent communication. Being aggressive will backfire, being assertive and dominant and tenacious will work fine.

I am very practiced at this 20 years married to someone like your wife.... Happy to - but that is because I learned early on how to keep her from getting totally out of control.
I want to shake your hand. :D

Anyways on to the subject! I believe that you should only try to change what you are in control of, which of course is yourself. Anything else should be looked at as improvement.

With that being said. This is just a summery of what you think, feel, or have been observing of her. I would like you to correct me if i'm wrong. I rewrote what you said because I all I see you writing are complaints and are one sided with assumptions of what you think about her. Most girls will view that negatively and would probably judge you wrongly since you are just a guy who is looking for support on a marriage forum. Please understand that I mean no harm but if my S.O. complained to me the way you did your wife I would leave him for even thinking so poorly of me ^_^. Do not psychoanalyze her, you are not her therapist, you are not her so it's natural that you wouldn't know what she is thinking or feeling.

It seems you are saying that she needs to improve her behavior. Also, you feel that she has mental problem and because of this mental problem you feel that she is being irrational, unreasonable, and illogical. Also from what you said, you think that because the her mental problems are effecting her behavior on how she acts towards others as well as you and that since it's her problem, she should fix her problem by going psychologist. You don't like how she she stopped going to therapy after you guys were and feel that she still needs improvement on her behavior. You don't like how she takes her frustrations out on you when she is upset and would like her to give you some air once in a while because she is smothering you with her questions of "what do I do". You are confused why she would spend so long on one trivial thing in the mall such as wrapping paper and aggravated that after all that time wasted finding the perfect one, she decides against it.
You wish for her to look through your perspective on her looks so she wont be so insecure about them. You wish that she got along more with your parents, that you want her to be involved with your family since her's has caused her much grief. You do love her and want the best for her but you are confused about what to do about the situation.

My advice as the crazy over emotional irrational woman in the relationship?
  • DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL HER, instead work with her, show that you do care and are with her because you want to be, not because you have to be. Do you want to change her because her way of doings things is wrong? or because you feel that you should be treated differently?
  • NEVER ASSUME, Do NOT I repeat, DO NOT TREAT HER LIKE SHE IS CRAZY.
  • SHOW YOU CARE, if she says something, take it seriously. Like the next time she said she will kill herself, call the suicidal hotline. Trust me, girls need a wake up call when they are going over the edge. Without it, you lose our respect as well as your sex life ^_^
  • BE THERE FOR HER, girls are social creatures that need to express themselves when ever they are upset. Be on her side when it comes to your parents, ask them why they want to talk to her and if they don't tell you, demand that it's your right to know as her husband and as their son.
  • SET BOUNDARIES. If she is upset at the world then let her be upset. If you don't like that she yells at you, say so in a calm clear manner so there is no misunderstanding.
  • ASSERT YOUR NEW BOUNDARIES. If her behavior continues then be calm, do not get just as mad at her, instead kill her with calmness ^_^ Pretend not to listen or acknowledge her until she stops yelling. When she finally does say "I couldn't understand what you were saying, i'm sorry but can you please repeat yourself in a way I where I can best understand you?"
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top