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Hello all of you helpful people. I have been browsing through these forums and decided it was time for me to seek help.

Some quick background about my situation.

I am not married but have been in a committed relationship for four years. Marriage has been discussed, we have really only waited because I had a significant income and she was going back to school. If we were married and she became a part of my income it would ruin her financial aid. A little over a year ago we were living in Los Angeles, I had a very secure job with a company I had been with for ten years. My mother died very suddenly on vacation. This was very hard for me, I was an only child and she had mostly raised me on her own. We were very close. Shortly after this my GF was accepted to a university in CO. We made the decision to move. I struggled to find work and was barely able to make ends meet for us while supporting her through school. This past summer she took a part time job waiting tables.
Over that year I fell into a very deep depression although I was not aware of it at the time. In July I started to become aware; I had become a hermit with zero passion or drive for anything. I started marking on our calendar the days that I sat alone and cried. 28 days in July. I noticed a drastic change in her behavior. She was working later than normal, I would get messages stating she was going out with friends but I was never invited any of these times. One night she did not even come home. This bothered me so I spoke to her about it. She said that I was giving her nothing, no semblance of life and she had to turn to her friends to get it. I was not open with her and she knew something was wrong with me but was tired of trying to get me to open up. So the next day I had a bad day and reached out to her to let her know. This was hard for me to do and she knows that. She responded sweetly saying she was out with friends but would be home when I got home from work to hold me and cry with me. When I got home, hours later she was not there. I let her know I was home. An hour later she texts me saying she had fed the dogs. An hour after that, 1am at this point, she starts texting me asking for a ride home as everyone there was too drunk to drive. I was very upset. I pick her up and she says not a word to me the entire drive home. We get home she gets directly in the shower without a word. I was emotionally worn out and tired of crying alone so I just got in bed and went to sleep. The next day brought more of the same; she worked early and I heard nothing from her for 10 hours. That nite things came to a head between us and a lot of good came from that conversation. Told her how I felt about reaching out to be denied, she told me how she has been hurt and felt un-needed by me. In the middle of this I stepped out for a smoke and see her texting someone smiling and laughing. Then she got in the shower. Something in me snapped and I went for her phone. This is when I discover the other man and some fairly inappropriate texts. I covered up my reaction for that night but the next day was unable and asked her who he was and if she was having an affair. I wish I had come here first and learned about not confronting without evidence. She blows it off as nothing, “he’s just a friend” When she fell asleep I looked and naturally the entire text chain was deleted. We begin focusing and working on us. A week goes by and I tell her I am sorry for accusing her and was she still talking to him, it’s ok if she was I am just trying to put positivity in my heart instead of negativity. She says no they have not talked. I know this is a lie because I have looked at our phone bill records and it is nonstop all day long. A week goes by and I ask again, this time letting her know I can understand why she would not want to tell me, but it was ok if she was, I just needed truth. Denial again. More of the same behavior from her. I start tracking her actions and discover her sneaking off to see him at work while I am away etc. etc. etc. all the tell tale signs.
I believe this is an E.A. and has not become physical yet. And also believe her desire to repair our relationship. But I think she is in the fog. I came here and started reading and researching. So now I have been trying to get the hard evidence I need. She deletes their texts every day before she gets home. A V.A.R. will do no good as I am the one that drives her to school every day. I do not think it will work at home because she keeps the TV on all night as she does homework. I purchased a cell phone spy stick that allegedly pulls all deleted info from phone, but after running it for four hours the other night while she was asleep it never finished it’s process and I had to sleep myself. I am considering spy software for her phone but am concerned about her noticing it installed. I also bought “decipher text message” but that pulls from a back up on itunes and don’t want to back up the phone for fear of losing what she has already deleted before getting the spystick to work. I do not know what to do. I understand from what I read the importance of having hard evidence at my disposal when confronting her, but every day that goes by this tears me up more and more and gets harder and harder.
Thank you for your help.
-S
 

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You MUST have solid evidence. You can wait! But not too long. Listen, I suspected my H was having an A for months then I decided to get proof b/c everytime I confronted him-DENIAL. So he backed me into a corner with that and I worked my fool ass off to get PROOF. I VAR'd his desk, Put spyware on his phone and tapped into his email. Dude- I watched him flirt his ass off everyday for months until BAM there it was. No "well, its just fun." or "just friends" or "light flirting" NO. THERE IT WAS. Then and only then was I able to start DRAGGING him out of his 'fog'.

My point, If I can suffer thru, so can you. Its the hardest thing you'll ever do, likely. But when the evidence is undeniable- NOW youre in the drivers seat.
 

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I hate to say this but, it sounds like it went PA already. If there's inappropriate texts and they have access to each other without you in the mix your in trouble.
She is using you to help her through school and is being a cake eater.

You are right to gather evidence, but you may need to crash the party and see for yourself the dynamic between her and the OM or the reaction of her friends. You may find that he is the boyfriend and you are unwelcome in the friends eyes.

I've had suicidal depression and almost ruined my life. You need to get to a Dr. And get yourself chemically sorted out. It is almost
impossible to do without meds.
Pick yourself up from the darkness and pull it together brother. If only long enough to get to a doctor. You will see a change within a week. Plan on being on them for a few months only. While on them get therapy so you can stop needing meds.

Seriously your situation sucks without a cheating partner.
 

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Spidey,

I am sorry you are here but you aren't alone. The death of a loved one, especially when it is a parent you were so close to, can put the best of us in depression. No matter how much you withdrew, you didn't deserve this. You didn't cause this. You had every right to expect her to do what it took to help you get through it.

There are posts at the top of this forum for you to read. Pay special attention to the acronyms or you may not know what the wise ones are talking about. They will be along shortly to help.

Let me ask, do you wish to save the relationship?
 

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Spidey,

I am sorry you are here but you aren't alone. The death of a loved one, especially when it is a parent you were so close to, can put the best of us in depression. No matter how much you withdrew, you didn't deserve this. You didn't cause this. You had every right to expect her to do what it took to help you get through it.

There are posts at the top of this forum for you to read. Pay special attention to the acronyms or you may not know what the wise ones are talking about. They will be along shortly to help.Let me ask, do you wish to save the relationship?
Ha Ha. Falene. You saying Im NOT one of the wise ones???:lol:
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I have been in therapy for a month now.
I do want to save the relationship.
I am trying hard to get hard evidence but everything i have tried has failed, any ideas on that?
 

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Not at all! There were no posts when I started and the phone rang so by the time I finished and hit reply....you wise ones beat me to it!

And you are dead on about the evidence. It is so important to secure it before you confront.
Funny. No worries. Just razzing you.

OP, get busy. The evidence is there- You just have to find it.
 

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Find out where they hang out after work and one day just pop in should be an eye opener. Do you have any friends that can watch her whereabouts one night if you can't?
 

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I have been in therapy for a month now.
I do want to save the relationship.
I am trying hard to get hard evidence but everything i have tried has failed, any ideas on that?
No, I jumped before the evidence was secure though in my case it didn't have a negative effect. It almost all cases when evidence isn't secured it will hurt you in the long run.

I know there are a ton of things out there you can use/do to get the evidence you need but I am not the one to ask about that.

Let me help those that can help by asking...

What kind of phone does she use?

Does she use a computer as well?

Have you tried to secure the texts through the phone company? Have you gone online to see what is there?

If you find you cannot gather the evidence, I suggest you have her crap on the porch and tell her she is done. You know what is going on and her continued lies have made it clear she prefers to be with someone else. Tell her the next lie she tells you and there will be no chance you will ever say one single word to her again let alone even think about trying to work it out.

Close the door in her face. Ignore EVERYTHING she yells through it or cries through it and "go dark" for a day or two. Respond to nothing she says or does. NOTHING.

When you come out you will know exactly what you are dealing with.

In the meantime, eat. Showers are important! I can't suggest to exercise enough even if it is just a walk. It makes the brain send out good stuff we need.

No matter what, you will be okay. *hugs*
 

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I tried that one night; i got off early and passed by our house, she was not home so i drove to her work, looking through the windows there was no one inside. I called the restaraunt to see if she was still working and they said she got off a long time ago. Then got a text from her saying she was going to bed. I told her that sucked because i was dowtown at the bar across the street waiting for her to get off of work. She calls and says that she got done with work, sent me a message that she was done and going out for a bit, but it never "sent" she hung out with "him"( which i will explain in a moment) for 15 mintues then went home. I know that to not be true because i had been downtown for at least 45 mins. of course when i looked at our phone records there were at least 15 texts between them in the 10 mins it takes me to get home. Explanation...When all this came to light he was listed in her phonebook with a name. I reverse looked up the number to discover where he was from and that the name she had used was his middle initials, A.K. she later changed his name in phonebook to "eve kane" and then "eve adams" now it is listed as "white lightning" A couple weeks ago i stopped in to see her for brunch and sat at the bar, bartender introduces himself as "brad" which i know is this mans first name, we talk a bit about music and i ask for his number under the guise of getting together to check out local music, i really wanted to check the number, sure as can be he starts telling me his number and i know right away, as i will never forget that number. He does, however, change the last digit.
She uses an iphone 3g.
Hard to find out where they may be after work as they work downtown and there are a million bars within walkind distance, i know some of her favored and am going to try that again this weekend when she works.
Have no friends here in town as i've been a hermit.
have not tried to go through phone company as it is in her name and pretty sure she needs to sign off on that.
texts are things like "I <3 your boo face" which is what i though she called only me. or "when can i get me some white lightning" " i miss you" etc.
I found out i worked briefly with his GF and know where they live. Was thinking of letting her know when i have evidence.
 

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Stay strong by working out, seeing a doctor, force your self to eat, work on your self, and stop crying.

Now is the time to start raising your attraction level. You need to start showing some confidence in your self and believe in your self.

While you cather evidence you can also work on your self by getting out and get some new cloths, a hair cut and go work out and run.

This will do wonder for your self esteem.

If you do break and can't handle the GNO (girls night out) then I guess you can confront her ( I don't recommned it) only about her behavior. If you have to you can make it clear you are no longer going to tolorate her current behavior and she has a choice to change or she can move out.

Making this satement in asking her to leave is sign to her that you canfintent in moving on with out her. Sure this could back fire and she could leave....pt most likely she come back in a few days after the OM (other man) get tired of her. Maybe not she could go off and live happily after after.

The point is you need to stand up and stop sharing your girl friend.

Even with a smoking gun can and you have the proof, what are you going to do?

The good thing about having proof you can have the validation that your next step is justified.

With proof you can do the damage control by not looking like the bad guy.

Who knows if this guy has a girl friend or is married, with proof you can expose the affair and even expose it to her family. A tactic that makes the affair inconvienent and uncomfrotable to continue.


My point is the evidence you get will help fight the affair, but then again it could be an exit affair and she is already gone.
 

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I will be blunt. She sees you as nothing but a meal ticket to help put her through school. Now that you are not making the money that you use to make before the move, she is open to finding another man (OM). Her actions speak louder than words. You know for a fact that she regularly lies to you so you cannot believe a word that she says. You know that I am right. As long as she needs your financial help, she will string you along and say that she loves you. You leave your friends and your good job of 10 years for her, and are naturally are depressed because of this, and she repays you by leaving you home alone as she is out with the OM and her friends. The fact that she blames your depression for her cheating is downright cold and heartless and confirms your meal ticket status.

Go home to where you have friends. Get your old job back and find someone else that is only happy when you are also happy. Helping her get her degree is not your responsibility. When she cannot put herself through college without also working full time, lets see how much time she has for the OM. I bet that she will be the one that is depressed instead of you. You have now been warned. If you do not follow the advice and get further used by this woman, you have no one to blame but yourself.
 

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I have been in therapy for a month now.
I do want to save the relationship.
I am trying hard to get hard evidence but everything i have tried has failed, any ideas on that?
Take some time off of work and barrow a car and follow her.....enless you have a grand laying around you can hire a PI.

Be patient and keep checking the text, sooner or later they make mistakes.

Her MO is deleting her messages when she comes home to wash the OM off her, try getting her phone in the morning. She might be texting while your asleep.

Go online and get the cell phone staement and find the number that she calls the most and do a reverse phone look up.
You might get a name and address of OM

What about a keylogger?

Have you checked her facebook? See if you can get at her computer, it may give you some info.
 
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