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Ok so I did some more talking with my husband and found out he was in the beginnings of an EA with a much younger (24) H is 39 coworker. He just started discussing her relationship with her boyfriend with her and comparing it to our situation. He says it was nothing more and has agreed to stop talking to her about it. He also seems angry that its just one more thing that I'm taking away from him. My worry is that now she is like a forbidden fruit and its going to cause more issues. I just couldn't let it go on. I didn't tell him he needed to stop, I just said he needed to choose what he wanted, to go down that path with her, or work on our marriage but he couldn't do both. He chose to work on marriage. I'm still just really worried. He's going to be seeing her almost every day. She is one of his assistants. I hate this!
Oh no...he's in deeper than he is telling you because he is talking about divorce. He could be having sex with her during lunch breaks. Prepare for the worst. He may be waiting for her to leave her boyfriend.

I think you need to try & break up this affair. Gather information on the co-worker. Let her boyfriend know what is going on. Don't be afraid. Remember he already told you he is not in love with you anymore & is thinking about divorce so what more do you have to lose?

Sure you can ask him to quit his job but that doesn't mean he will. If he has a good job, you will get good alimony in the event of a divorce.

Many married men that have affairs have NO intention of leaving the wives & family. Your husband is planning to.

Saying he wants to work on the marriage may only mean until the OW is ready to be with him full time.

I am so sorry about all of this. Your H, while in the fog of this affair, has no idea of the collateral damage he is about to cause.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Ok I have more to add. I have a friend that works in the same office as my husband and his assistant. She said she noticed him flirting with the assistant, but that she really didn't see any evidence that there was anything else going on. She also said that yesterday my husband was distant towards her like he said he would be. My friend is going to keep an eye on things for me. I am also getting the assistants cell number so I can check our phone bill to see if he contacts her outside of work. My gut is telling me that this was just flirting that was going down a path of something more, but my husband admitted it to me and agrees it was wrong and that he will stop. He is affectionate at home, our sex life is great, he just doesn't feel a spark. He tells me he loves me. Am I silly to think we have a chance? My game plan as of now is to just be the best mom and wife I can be to show him how good things can be.
 

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Don't believe a word he says about cutting back on the co-worker. Investigate contact (texts, etc.) outside of work. It may be a one-sided EA where she has zero feelings for him. Short of him finding a new job, I can't think of how to get him away from her. While he is the fog of the EA, he won't really be trying to work on the marriage.

Will he agree to MC?
 

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Cris,

Even with your friend being an inside source, there are ways he could still possibly carry on the A. But, even if he is no longer carrying on the A... It is obvious by your statement that of "he doesn't feel a spark" needs to be addressed. I would agree with Emerald, that maybe both you need to consider MC. Not that we are lovey dovey romantic for decades to come after marriage, but I get the feeling his interpretation of he has no spark for you means he simply may not love you anymore. I know that is hard to hear, but this needs to be addressed.

I think you (both of you), need to seriously consider professional counseling, either MC or even MC plus IC for both of you.

When deciding to get MC, shop around and ask lots of questions concerning you situation. Don't just take the first counselor you find in the yellow pages or on local google search.
 

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She said she noticed him flirting with the assistant, but that she really didn't see any evidence that there was anything else going on ... He is affectionate at home, our sex life is great, he just doesn't feel a spark..
Even if he's not having an affair, the flirting may be a sign that he's dealing with an urge to be with other women, and his marriage is the only thing keeping him from it. It may not even be a conscious choice - he could just need more excitement in the marriage to get over it. Frequent sex is good, but sex in the same bed with the same person the same way every time probably wouldn't be enough excitement for him ... Try spicing things up and see what happens.
 

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You were sick. You had an illness. Hell, when I was depressed, I could barely get out of bed. If he doesn't recoginize depression as an illness just because you don't see the "broken leg" then he is immature & selfish.

A good husband or person is THRILLED when a person recovers from a serious illness. My BFF just had a bone marrow transplant (leukemia) & could not do ANYTHING for one year. It was very HARD on her husband but he was SUPPORTIVE.

If your husband is using your depression as an excuse to bail, there could be something else going on.

You cannot even begin to get him checked back in w/o knowing the real reason he wants out...& if it is about your depression, then so be it; no disrespect but he is not a very nice person.
I agree and understand what you are saying but, how long and how debilitating was the depression?

OP's husband may have been extremely concerned and worried sick about his wife. He may have been coming home for a year or more and picking up the slack within the family and home after an exhausting days work.
He may have had to suppress his own needs, desires, hopes and feelings.
Depending on the way the depression mainfested itself he may have been belittled and demeaned while trying to hold everything together at work and at home.
He also could have been, or felt that he had been, starved of love, sex and affection.

To call him immature, selfish and not a nice person without knowing all the facts is very judgemental in my opinion.

I am not a medical person but what I do know about depression is that it is not generally a short term illness.

If OP's husband has felt like a mental punchbag for 6 months, a year or whatever it's going to take some time for him to recover too.
In my opinion it is unrealistic to suffer from depression, lose weight, recover then turn round to hubby and say "I'm all better now let's just start again as though nothing has happened."

I would however say that having an at least EA with a young girl from his workplace is not the way to act.
 

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Discussion Starter · #28 ·
Thank you all for your thoughts. I have been thinking about it a lot and have decided to show him the best I can be. I'm not going to bring up negative subjects anymore and just try and be positive. I'm also planning on spicing things up in the bedroom. I'll let you know how it goes.
 
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