Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband of 6 years told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has agreed to try and get a spark back. He is still affectionate and tells me he loves me, but when I ask him what he's feeling he still says he is leaning towards divorce. We have been working on it for about a month. I don't know if I should push him to make a choice or just keep moving forward. We have two children. Any advice would be helpful!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
My husband of 6 years told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has agreed to try and get a spark back. He is still affectionate and tells me he loves me, but when I ask him what he's feeling he still says he is leaning towards divorce. We have been working on it for about a month. I don't know if I should push him to make a choice or just keep moving forward. We have two children. Any advice would be helpful!
Hi & I'm sorry about this.

He may be cheating. Are you familiar with EA's?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
That was my first thought, but I checked his phone and email and nothing suspicious. I also came right out and asked him and he said that there was no one else, that he just didn't feel a spark between us.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
333 Posts
Head over to the Marriage builders website. It is an awesome site with great advice.

And continue to secretly investigate. 9 times out of 10 when this is said there is someone else.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
My husband of 6 years told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has agreed to try and get a spark back. He is still affectionate and tells me he loves me, but when I ask him what he's feeling he still says he is leaning towards divorce. We have been working on it for about a month. I don't know if I should push him to make a choice or just keep moving forward. We have two children. Any advice would be helpful!
So guys are not good with saying "what they are feeling", so I would imagine any answer he gives to that question will either be useless or is something of a decision already made. So the answer of him leaning toward D sounds pretty concrete and he obviously has thought about this without allowing you in on how he processed this out. My gut would say the reason he gave this answer is that he currently is to much of a coward to actual say he wants a D. I know this is not what you wanted to hear... and with children, this makes it all the more complicated.

The words of "I love you but I am not in love with you" are scary from another point of view. One has to wonder "who is he in love with?" I am not necessarily trying to suggest that he is having an affair, but you probably should push to eliminate this as a factor that has contributed to this change in attitude.

I am sorry you are going through this, and really wish the best for you and your children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
That was my first thought, but I checked his phone and email and nothing suspicious. I also came right out and asked him and he said that there was no one else, that he just didn't feel a spark between us.
Not sure of the statistic, but most cheaters don't admit it.

The ILYBINILWY line is frequently given to spouses by the cheating spouse. He could be hiding it very well. Go read the CWI forum for insight.

What kinds of marital problems do you have? What do you think you do that upsets/annoys him (if anything)?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
That was my first thought, but I checked his phone and email and nothing suspicious. I also came right out and asked him and he said that there was no one else, that he just didn't feel a spark between us.
So some guys are really good at hiding these things... and if he has already decided on divorce, he probably would not admit an affair anyway.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I went through a depression and let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and wasn't all that nice. I have been feeling great for a few months now, lost the weight and feel really good. He says he is just here for the boys at this point. He also says that he wants to get feelings back for me so that I don't screw him over in a divorce. He has admitted to flirting with other women and how that made him feel good. I don't know how he would have the time for an affair. He works a lot and then comes home. There isn't any time that isn't accounted for.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
I went through a depression and let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and wasn't all that nice. I have been feeling great for a few months now, lost the weight and feel really good. He says he is just here for the boys at this point. He also says that he wants to get feelings back for me so that I don't screw him over in a divorce. He has admitted to flirting with other women and how that made him feel good. I don't know how he would have the time for an affair. He works a lot and then comes home. There isn't any time that isn't accounted for.
So then, he wants to have an affair... he is admitting as much. But, may not be having one at the current moment. You can at least look at him as someone who has a small amount of integrity in that he does want to cheat with you. So he want a divorce so he can play the field.

He has an itch and probably has friends who are playing the field and says wow they have all those flavors of ice cream and I have to go back to vanilla. I hope this makes sense. He just sounds like he wants to be single. I don't think it has that much to do with you, he just wants to have another life. You could be drop dead gorgeous, and I think he would essentially feel the same. He sounds exactly like my second oldest brother, who is married to a drop dead gorgeous woman.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
Cris,

I would ask your H, what kind of life is he looking that would prompt him to want a D. Put all the apples in his basket and remove yourself from the equation. In this way you will find out quickly if it is about you or whether he is seeking something outside of marriage. If he can't answer the question clearly then you might want to start probing into why he wants a divorce from you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
I went through a depression and let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and wasn't all that nice. I have been feeling great for a few months now, lost the weight and feel really good. He says he is just here for the boys at this point. He also says that he wants to get feelings back for me so that I don't screw him over in a divorce. He has admitted to flirting with other women and how that made him feel good. I don't know how he would have the time for an affair. He works a lot and then comes home. There isn't any time that isn't accounted for.
Congratulations of getting over your depression! I went through it so know what it's like. It feel so good to get out of the black hole & your husband should be THRILLED that you are feeling better again.

He could be having an EA with a co-worker. She may be married or may not be "into him" as much as he is into her so he's keeping you as Plan B.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
I don't know how to go about trying to find this out. It makes me sick to my stomach to think he could look me in the eye and lie.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
I don't know how to go about trying to find this out. It makes me sick to my stomach to think he could look me in the eye and lie.
Does he drive his own car to work? Does he use a computer at home for any activity? There are many devices that you could secure into his car under his seat to essentially spy on him. You could also load software onto a home computer that allows you to track activity (even if he tries to clear the cache). Finally, a more expensive route but very effective, hire a PI.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,207 Posts
I'm going to attack this from another angle.

Could it be that during the time of your depression when you weren't so nice, he was seriously effected by that? Maybe that's the cause of why he feels the way he does?

What were some of the ways you believe you were not nice? And is that something he came up with or a behaviour you can admit to?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Yes I can and do admit that I wasn't the most supportive wife. He works very hard and I stay home. I just did the bare minimum to keep the household going. I know it bothered him. I just don't know how to fix it. I have been doing everything right lately and he seems a little happier. I'm just so scared.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Yes I can and do admit that I wasn't the most supportive wife. He works very hard and I stay home. I just did the bare minimum to keep the household going. I know it bothered him. I just don't know how to fix it. I have been doing everything right lately and he seems a little happier. I'm just so scared.
You were sick. You had an illness. Hell, when I was depressed, I could barely get out of bed. If he doesn't recoginize depression as an illness just because you don't see the "broken leg" then he is immature & selfish.

A good husband or person is THRILLED when a person recovers from a serious illness. My BFF just had a bone marrow transplant (leukemia) & could not do ANYTHING for one year. It was very HARD on her husband but he was SUPPORTIVE.

If your husband is using your depression as an excuse to bail, there could be something else going on.

You cannot even begin to get him checked back in w/o knowing the real reason he wants out...& if it is about your depression, then so be it; no disrespect but he is not a very nice person.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
Yes I can and do admit that I wasn't the most supportive wife. He works very hard and I stay home. I just did the bare minimum to keep the household going. I know it bothered him. I just don't know how to fix it. I have been doing everything right lately and he seems a little happier. I'm just so scared.
Please sit down (more than once), and have some heart to heart talks about these things. They need to be aired out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
Hi Cris,

Going through a very similar situation here. Married 18 years. 2 kids. I have been battling depression for a few years and am now feeling so much better, getting treatment, lost weight, etc. The past few years have been very hard on my husband and I think he's been discouraged for a long time. And he has said similar things--that he is having a hard time getting the feelings back, thinks we both might be happy with someone else, etc. I don't think he is having an affair at this moment, but I do think the "idea" of someone else is what he is attracted to. He has made plans to separate. He says he feels "gutted" and is beating himself up over not being able to help me. He says he doesn't want to repeat the mistakes of his dad (who divorced his mom) yet he wants to separate, etc

I am now reading the book "the Divorce Remedy" and so far I like a lot of what it says. It is up to me to try and turn this ship around and I am just getting to the part where she spells out the paln. We are also both seeing therapists and looking for a new MC as our first one was not very helpful. My husband is doing a lot of work to deal with some of his past issues. It's a good sign that your husband has agreed to keep working on the marriage. I wish I had advice for you but so far for me, the therapy and the book have helped a lot. I haven't really done the 180 because if we agree to keep working on the marriage, how do you do that? So we are still in limbo a bit here, I guess. I'm so sorry you are going through this. it sucks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Ok so I did some more talking with my husband and found out he was in the beginnings of an EA with a much younger (24) H is 39 coworker. He just started discussing her relationship with her boyfriend with her and comparing it to our situation. He says it was nothing more and has agreed to stop talking to her about it. He also seems angry that its just one more thing that I'm taking away from him. My worry is that now she is like a forbidden fruit and its going to cause more issues. I just couldn't let it go on. I didn't tell him he needed to stop, I just said he needed to choose what he wanted, to go down that path with her, or work on our marriage but he couldn't do both. He chose to work on marriage. I'm still just really worried. He's going to be seeing her almost every day. She is one of his assistants. I hate this!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
27,816 Posts
Cris

This is hard... The NC is not possible as long as they are working together. And, in that case the two of you really cannot work on your marriage. Obviously laying her off could violate all kinds of laws. You need to tell him he has to find new employment. This cannot be compromised. Take Care
 
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top