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I've been in a relationship with a woman now for about four years, I'm 44 and she is 47. When it first started out it was like fireworks, the love of a life time, we were very much in love. Over time as stressful situations started to appear we began to fight a lot, I began to drink more which also hurt our relationship. Bad fights caused us to talk about breaking up often, being stressed and fighting didn't help any desire for a physical relationship either but all during this we still loved and cared deeply for each other.Finally in August of 2011 I broke up with her, I just couldn't take any more fighting. She basically begged me to keep our relationship alive but I said no. We decided we would still live together until she found a place which I knew would be a long time, maybe even a year but I couldn't throw her out, she had no where to go.
In September I started seeing my ex-wife again, this lasted for about 7 months before we decided to not move forward. My ex girlfriend was still living with me and she eventually found out,wasn't happy about it but we still got along.
during this I realized I was still in love with her, still on the rebound, of course she was over it. When I told her about breaking up with the ex-wife we decided to have a platonic relationship and try to rekindle what we had. I made a lot of changes for myself and her to try and make this work, I've been six months sober in AA, we get along better than we ever have and never fight anymore. We go out to eat,festivals do everything that a couples would do except have a intimate physical relationship.She said she wants to be with me but the combination of pre-menopause ,my ex-wife,and old scars she is still not ready, its only been six months but it is getting harder and harder to not be able to hold and kiss her again. She said she has no desire to be intimate with me or anybody. She said she still wants my companionship, but I feel like I'm going nuts in this situation,don't know how much longer I can last, can you help?.?.?
 

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Tough one. First and foremost, congratulations on your 6 months of sobriety! No matter what happens in this relationship I hope you continue with your sobriety for you and your future partner. Whether it be this woman or another.

You have done a lot of work on yourself to help make this relationship what it is today but now she needs to step up too if there is any hope of the two of you coming back together. She can see her doctor about hormone replacement therapies, an individual counselor for possible depression (as that happens when women reach menopause) and even a couples counselor for the two of you. I probably wouldn't want her taking this all on at once because it can be very overwhelming and scary but she needs to take a step in the right direction. Not only for herself but for the two of you provided she wants to make things work.

I applaud you for making so many positive steps in your life. Again, regardless of what happens, your efforts will not be in vain! I do hope you give it some time and hang in there...... but only enough time until you see she is ready to make some changes herself. If she's not then, sad to say, you need to move on.

Good luck.
 

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I'll echo that congrats on your sobriety.

I hope you've talked to your sponsor about how you're feeling. The things that come to my mind is that you're trying to assert your will instead of turning things over to your higher power. The very first step is admitting you're powerless over alcohol and that your life had become unmanageable. The second step is recognizing a need for a power greater than yourself.

You've heard that it's best NOT to get involved in intimate relationships during your first year of sobriety, and you're trying to force something that experienced people say sabotages sobriety. Why? Why are you trying to manage things you cannot control? This is stinking thinking!!

You're straying from your program pretty significantly, but if you get back with your sponsor and work your program, your problem will resolve itself.
 
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