Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I might be posting a lot on here, as I navigate my divorce and have found the honesty and insight of strangers to be most helpful.

My husband asked for the divorce back in February. His reasons were to "live a cosmopolitan lifestyle, go on solo adventures, and be with other women". It quickly turned into a mutual decision, realizing I had been in denial for a long time and I don't want to be with someone like him. He is a very negative, cynical, extremely jealous, emotionally manipulative, and insecure person. He took his insecurities out on me for all of our 16 years of marriage by criticizing how I dressed, what career path I chose, my weight, what I ate, everything he could possibly control. I used to let it all get to me. Last year, I got to the point where I didn't need his approval anymore and quit caring what he said, doing my own thing and that's when he asked for the divorce.

I found an apartment and last week started living on my own for the first time in my adult life. I went back on Thursday evening to get more of my things. I spent the night there, we stayed out of each other's hair and were very civil with each other.

He's also been smoking a lot of weed, which I have no problem with, I do sometimes too. We live in California and it's just as normal as drinking here. And I know it helps with the stress. However, on Friday, as I was packing up some things to leave, he got really high. I was sitting on the floor, packing a backpack, when he sat close and stared at me. I asked if he wanted to talk about anything. He just stared. I ask how he's doing. No response, just stares. He then proceeded to lean close, put arms on each side of me and gently tried to lower me to the floor. I backed away and told him I'm not doing that with him.

No words from him as I stood up and walked to the closet to grab some clothes. He followed me and watched me the entire time as I grabbed some clothes. His stare was so intense and never left me and I felt extremely uncomfortable. He then approached me as my back is turned to the closet, as if to corner me in there, and tried to pull me close. I slid away and told him I can't do this with him. He's hurt me too much and I'm under too much stress for this right now. He backed off and didn't respond. Just stared as I left.

I realize he's going through a grieving process and being under quarantine throughout this is tough. I do need to go back there again eventually to get more things but frankly I'm scared he's going to get more forceful with his approaches. He's never done anything like this before. He wasn't violent or aggressive, but I felt violated and uncomfortable. Even just the staring for me is not acceptable. But I'm also scared to tell him off; the last time I did he lost his temper and made false accusations of me sleeping around. I guess my question is...what do I do?? Am I being irrational for being afraid? Is this considered manipulation? Any advice on how to deal with this?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,146 Posts
So what if he accuses you of sleeping around? You've already agreed to divorce.

Who gives a **** what he thinks.

He probably thought he could get an easy booty call out of you.....I wouldn't read too much into it. If he needs to get his rocks off he can find one of these other women he imagines he'll have.

For now you're an easy, familiar target. Go grey rock on him and don't spend any time analyzing him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
So what if he accuses you of sleeping around? You've already agreed to divorce.

Who gives a **** what he thinks.

He probably thought he could get an easy booty call out of you.....I wouldn't read too much into it. If he needs to get his rocks off he can find one of these other women he imagines he'll have.

For now you're an easy, familiar target. Go grey rock on him and don't spend any time analyzing him.
Ok thanks. You're right- easy booty call. I'm reading way too much into it as we have such a long history.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
8,146 Posts
Ok thanks. You're right- easy booty call. I'm reading way too much into it as we have such a long history.
Also, don't get upset about it.

My sleazy ex suggested that he needed sex in order to hand over the house equity he owed me (he kept the house).

I ignored him.

I think it's probably common for sleazy people to look where it might be easy to scratch an itch. It's just beneath you....he fired you from the position of wife, therefore you are not sexually available to him.

You're worth a lot more than that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
76 Posts
I might be posting a lot on here, as I navigate my divorce and have found the honesty and insight of strangers to be most helpful.

My husband asked for the divorce back in February. His reasons were to "live a cosmopolitan lifestyle, go on solo adventures, and be with other women". It quickly turned into a mutual decision, realizing I had been in denial for a long time and I don't want to be with someone like him. He is a very negative, cynical, extremely jealous, emotionally manipulative, and insecure person. He took his insecurities out on me for all of our 16 years of marriage by criticizing how I dressed, what career path I chose, my weight, what I ate, everything he could possibly control. I used to let it all get to me. Last year, I got to the point where I didn't need his approval anymore and quit caring what he said, doing my own thing and that's when he asked for the divorce.

I found an apartment and last week started living on my own for the first time in my adult life. I went back on Thursday evening to get more of my things. I spent the night there, we stayed out of each other's hair and were very civil with each other.

He's also been smoking a lot of weed, which I have no problem with, I do sometimes too. We live in California and it's just as normal as drinking here. And I know it helps with the stress. However, on Friday, as I was packing up some things to leave, he got really high. I was sitting on the floor, packing a backpack, when he sat close and stared at me. I asked if he wanted to talk about anything. He just stared. I ask how he's doing. No response, just stares. He then proceeded to lean close, put arms on each side of me and gently tried to lower me to the floor. I backed away and told him I'm not doing that with him.

No words from him as I stood up and walked to the closet to grab some clothes. He followed me and watched me the entire time as I grabbed some clothes. His stare was so intense and never left me and I felt extremely uncomfortable. He then approached me as my back is turned to the closet, as if to corner me in there, and tried to pull me close. I slid away and told him I can't do this with him. He's hurt me too much and I'm under too much stress for this right now. He backed off and didn't respond. Just stared as I left.

I realize he's going through a grieving process and being under quarantine throughout this is tough. I do need to go back there again eventually to get more things but frankly I'm scared he's going to get more forceful with his approaches. He's never done anything like this before. He wasn't violent or aggressive, but I felt violated and uncomfortable. Even just the staring for me is not acceptable. But I'm also scared to tell him off; the last time I did he lost his temper and made false accusations of me sleeping around. I guess my question is...what do I do?? Am I being irrational for being afraid? Is this considered manipulation? Any advice on how to deal with this?
I don’t think you’re being irrational at all given the nature of the experience you’ve had with him. If the things you have left are important enough to go get....I would bring a couple of friends with me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,529 Posts
@jd317 ,

Just a quick idea--when you go back to pick up some more things, why not bring someone with you (like a friend or brother)? I mean, even if he was crazy high, he likely wouldn't try to be forceful in front of someone else. If you two were alone...who knows what he might think he's "owed"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62 Posts
I agree with everyone above. He seems like a sleazeball. "live a cosmopolitan lifestyle, go on solo adventures, and be with other women" Those are the words of one of three types of men.:

1. Someone very sleazy
2. Someone very immature
3. Someone very pathetic trying to give off a false sense of nonchalantism.

In whichever case, I don't think he even understand what love is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
534 Posts
If it was just a Booty Call kind of thing, I don't think he'd be staring like that and following you around unless it's his way of "flirting" (although I know he was high). He also lost his temper and accused you of cheating - perhaps his way of trying to make the decision or reason for the breakup to be yours instead of his. There's clearly a lot going on in his head right now. But he made his decision and you made yours in reaction. Yes, his stunts are manipulative.

You asked for honest insight so here's a quick tip - don't spend the night there again. I know that moving out takes time but you knew you were leaving for some time as you were looking for an apartment, etc. He's confused in the head, immature and probably insecure about his decision.

I agree with the advice to bring a family member or friend along next time you go to clear out things. Between the two of you, you can probably get all you need so you won't have to plan to return again and again. With someone else there you send a clear message that you're there for clearing out your stuff and nothing else. Let him know ahead of time that you'll be accompanied by someone to help you but don't make an issue out of it or explain why, etc. It's just a helper. That should avoid any nonsense. It also helps you in that it makes it business-like and it stops you from getting wrapped up. Good that you avoided getting intimate with him but it sounds like it's possible that it could have easily "happened" and anyway, you probably got more wrapped up emotionally in this visit than you should have.

You should remove reasons to return there. As long as you are returning to the home you are playing into his manipulations. Don't ask him how he's doing or if he wants to talk about anything. Just do what you need to do with your friend there and get out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
If it would give you peace of mind, you can call the police department to have an officer escort you to the property. While this might alter the civility of any future interactions, it would give you security from anything like that happening again with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
457 Posts
The sex thing could be another of the control issues rising up again. I would take the advice of others and not be alone with him again. If you felt skeeved after sixteen years of sleeping with this guy, I would take it as something besides a booty call.
 
  • Like
Reactions: jd317
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top