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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So my wife lives in a different state as she is going to college. Two weeks ago she tells me she loves me but she is not in love with me. I feel more like her brother/parents etc. I want to investigate the possibility of an affair. But since I live far away, how do I go about doing it? The only thing I can do is look at her phone record online. I see her getting regular texts from a number. I suspect if it is an affair, it must be this number. But how do I conform it? What are my options? Needless to say that I am devastated at his moment.
 

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Google the number. Put it in quotes. Try all combinations of no spaces, with spaces, with dashes and with() around the area code. Go on facebook and sear h it. Cell #'s you can pay to get the name, a dollar or two. The phone could be in another name than the user, such as a parent or spouse. You'll have to dig more when you get the name on the account. People will list their # in craigslist ads etc so you have some chance of getting the info with the free web searches.
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for your help Thor. I already paid to get the name. All I got was First initial and the last name. I dont know what else to do after that. There are many people with that first initial and last name.
 

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Hmmm...google the number, OR better yet, call the number and ask for your girlfriend by name withot revealing your true identity. No matter who answers, tell them you met this girl (describe her briefly) and had sex and she gave you this number! Next, quickly call your girlfriend and she if she gets another call. May not give you any proof, but just may in the coming moments. Either way, who cares, she'll not know it is you if you block your number when you call the other number. Think of it as reciprocating the NILWY part.

Does she have an iphone with the find my iphone app? If so, go to icloud.com and enter her apple id if you have. You will then be able to track the location of her phone using gps.

I've never used paid services to look-up a phone number so I can't tell you how good they are. Maybe enter the number in spokeo or pipl (.coms) if they offer that option and maybe find if its a dude or not?
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The area code and next 3 digits should link to a town. Google the initial and last name plus the town. It may give you more data. The town is not perfect though. Try the name plus the name of the school your lady attends. Try facebook.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for your input whatslovegottodowithit,

I know for a fact its a guy. I called the number and a guy picked up. She doesnt have an iphone. She has an android device. So knowing its a guy, what should be my approach?
 

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Rules: Never reveal your sources. Do not confront until you have very strong evidence. Secure your evidence via multiple copies etc.

Could you take a few days off of work to drive to her location for a surprise visit?
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Your wife living in another state is a killer. The comments that she made to you is typical of a person in an affair. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I would suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options and how to protect yourself financially. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks bryanp. I will definitely look at my options.

Thor, I am scheduled to go see her on February 21st. I hope its not too late. I know for a fact that there was nothing going on just a month ago. It all started few weeks ago. Also just last monday she scheduled to spend the spring break with me in March. She had a perfect excuse to spend it in the city she is in. Why would she choose to spend the spring break with me? Its all confusing. Is there any hope?
 

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It's an affair alright. When she gives you the ILYBINILWY speech it's a done deal. She's finished shopping, taken a test drive, and is ready to check out.

How long have you been married? Any kids?
How are finances? Who has/makes the money?

If you have enough cash on hand hire a PI to research the number. It won't take him/her more than an hr @ about $250/hr.

In the meantime cut off her credit cards. You extend credit to your wife/lover not to your "sibling" or friend. Consult a lawyer to see what your rights & responsibilities are.

These actions are direct consequences.

When you know who this guy is, ask her to explain herself and the relationship with OM. Tell her you are willing to work on the marriage but it can no longer be a long distance marriage.

If she won't put her education on hold while you BOTH work on your marriage, then you effectively have no marriage to work on.

Don't accept any baloney about growing apart. She chose to get closer to someone else. That's not the same as "growing apart".

Act as if you have confidence even if you don't.

DO NOT BEG.

DO NOT CRY

DO NOT PLEAD

Do speak calmly and rationally. You don't have to make a scene. She is either committed to the marriage or she's not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@walkonmars

She already told me 2 weeks ago that she no longer wants to stay married. I convinced her to try for some time. She then said that she will see me during spring break and then we would see where we stand. Her college finishes in May so its just 3 more months. There is no way she will drop out of college just 3 months before graduation. She has worked really hard on her education. I am the one who makes money in the family. To answer your other questions, we have been married for 1.5 years and been together for 3 years. Our marriage is failing because of me though. She is an amazing women. I am the one who treated her really bad. I feel like **** and have nothing but regret and guilt.
 

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Thanks for your input whatslovegottodowithit,

I know for a fact its a guy. I called the number and a guy picked up. She doesnt have an iphone. She has an android device. So knowing its a guy, what should be my approach?
Gosh, best I can dream up is maybe call and say that (give the initial and last name) was given as a reference for a job? Ask a few vague items like is she trustworthy (Lol, and sorry guy), dependable, etc...(usual job ?'s) End the call be stating that (insert your gals name here) has you listed as her boyfriend, is that correct? If so, now you know. If not, ask what his relationship to her is then.

***If it's not likely she's looking for a job, say you're from another college/university admissions...I'm brainstorming here***
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
@weightlifter I am 31 and my souse is 24. Yes I do have friends in that town but how would that help?

@Machiavelli, yes she does have a car. She got student loan for her education but I paid for all her living expenses and everything.

I have anxiety issues and I read news on the internet of young girls getting abducted. That scared me. I started calling her several times a day to make sure she is OK. She told me several times that she is an adult and can take care of herself but I didnt listen. Even when she came to visit me, I would tell her not to leave the apartment without me. I always feared for her safety. I also never helped her with house chores. I also never respected her opinion on money issues. She would try to save money but I would spend it uncontrollably. I never listened to anything she said. I used to get angry at trivial issues. She never ever initiated a fight with me. It was always me who started a fight. But I never imagined all those issues will push her to other man.

I regret deeply what I did. I am willing to change my behavior now. I am also working on my anxiety issues. But it seems its too late. I have never been so sad in my life. All I feel is sad and guilt. I am absolutely crushed and have considerable difficulty in functioning. I cant eat, cant sleep..
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Machiavelli,

I treated her horribly during marriage. I dont blame her for anything. I should have known better. So if she has an affair, I will forgive her. If she wants to reconcile, I would be really happy. If she doesnt, then I wish her good luck and truly hope that the other guy doesnt fail her like I did.
 

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Well, the only possible path to reconciliation goes through investigation and confrontation. Get the PI or put a VAR under her car seat. You'll get your facts and can go forward from there. The odds will be against you still, but you may be able to break up the affair.

In the meantime, quit talking to her.
 

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By the way, I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You, almost always, like 99.8% percent of the time, = affair.

People who are unhappy with their spouse but not cheating just usually don't use that phrase. They say, "I'm really not happy with our marriage," "We've grown apart," and stuff like that (which a cheater might also say), but very rarely do they pull out the ILYBINILWY.

It would be best to assume that she is having an affair.

You have the means to pay for her living expenses, so find the means to hire a private investigator. It won't take long - she lives in another city and probably is not hiding it from anyone.

When was the last time you visited her and saw her living arrangments?

She told you she's not in love with you, which implies that she will be leaving you soon, but she still expects you to pay for her until she graduates?

I wouldn't read anything into her supposed plans to see you during her break. Those plans could change in an instant. Maybe it is her guilt talking, when she says she will come to see you, maybe in her mind it is to see you face to face one last time before she graduates and leaves you, maybe her other man is visiting his family during break. It could be almost anything, and when the time gets closer, she may change her mind.
 
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