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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello!

This is my first time posting, but I have lurked a bit here and there!

My husband and I have only been married a year. Let me explain the story:

Unfortunately most of the women my husband were with prior to me cheated on him. The most egregious was his college girlfriend who he really loved and sacrificed for. She cheated the same day that he turned down a great opportunity for work in a different country. He described having sex with her after that as really intoxicating. Anyways, their relationship ended, he moved country and met me.

He's very into the cuckold fetish now. I was with a number of men prior to my husband, and initially I thought it was just good fun talking about those experiences. He got really into the idea of me being a hot wife. He loved when I told him about bigger ****s and what I wanted to do with them. He pleaded for me to call others names, etc. I obliged because he was so turned on by it but really this did nothing for me. He wanted me to join a dating site, or make videos online, and some day meet a man in person. I said no to all of these things.

The cuckold talk died down in the summer time when I saw a Tumblr page he was looking at and I remarked that he looked like gay porn. Not only did the cuckold talk die down, but so did sex period.

A couple months ago I noticed my husband being really weird on the computer, and clicked out of pages quickly when I came by. I asked him what was up and he claimed nothing, but I had seen what he was looking at so I quickly looked at it myself. It was a forum post on his home country forum. The question was about being friends with an ex. He essentially wrote that it's nice to be friends with exes and but with one in particular the elephant in the room was how attracted he still was to her. This is OK in a microscope I guess, but I looked up on the forum and the posting above was his ex college girlfriend. He had specifically responded to the post so she would see it. That was a bit much for me. I should add that while I was looking at the page, he had changed his post to leave out the bit about how attracted he was to her. I happened to load it before the change hit.

This led to a pretty massive fight. We talked about his sexuality. He looks at a lot of heteroflexible porn, but claims it feeds into the cuckold fetish. I think he's more bi sexual leaning, because when he wants me to talk about other men he gets the hardest when I talk about their ****s, and the way he reacts just seems to me that he's really fantasizing about men more than a once off type of thing.

Anyways, overall I'm just a bit at a loss as how to approach this with him. There are a few things I'm concerned about:

-- This weekend he made an off hand comment during a conversation that I found odd. I later looked at that ex girlfriend's forum posts and she made the same comment last week. It would be too much to be a coincidence. This tells me he's still checking up on her despite telling me he doesn't know why he made that post. Do I mention it? Let it go?
-- If he is more bi-sexual leaning, am I going to be enough? I don't feel like I'm satisfying him sexually as it is as I don't want to fulfill his fetish.
-- I'm very turned off by his cuckold fetish. In fact it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to have sex with someone else.

How do I proceed?
 

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There are better , safer, ways to feel naughty and seek thrills. He is walking in dangerous paths. Fetish is a thing that doesn't tend to go away. I would work at turning this in a direction that you do like.

I love the fact that you are a Faithful type girl with a varied background. It really gives me hope for my belief that most people like to be faithful.

Yes talk to him about boundaries again. Yes suggest getting a counselor involved. He is engaging in behavior that endangers the relationship. He values the relationship but his addiction is leading him to losing it.
 

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There are better , safer, ways to feel naughty and seek thrills. He is walking in dangerous paths. Fetish is a thing that doesn't tend to go away. I would work at turning this in a direction that you do like.

I love the fact that you are a Faithful type girl with a varied background. It really gives me hope for my belief that most people like to be faithful.

Yes talk to him about boundaries again. Yes suggest getting a counselor involved. He is engaging in behavior that endangers the relationship. He values the relationship but his addiction is leading him to losing it.
Buy an assortment of dildos of various sizes that can be used in a harness and penis enlargment sleaves. He can wear the sleaves and pretend to be a different guy doing you and then he can go in afterwards to feel like he is having sex after another man was with you. Then, you can use the dildos and wear a harness to peg him.

If that turns his crank, then problem solved. If he still wants to invite others into the marriage, then you either need to set him straight for good or divorce.

Hope there aren't any kids in the marriage.
 

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You are making very comfortable choices and communicating them well. He's probably having a minimum of a unhealthy obsession with his ex, maximum emotional affair. It's also very clear that he putting his kink about your own wishes. Edging himself with pornography probably isn't helping the matter terribly, either.

You have done nothing wrong.
 

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I would most defintely have a talk about the fetish and things he asks of you, In which aren't comfortable for you. I would want to be participating in sexual acts that we both can enjoy.

I do think if he keeps enjoying these kind of acts and you do not than yes, it can ultimately break the two of you apart. I wouldn't feel comfortable as well to live up to those expectations in the bedroom.
 

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....My husband and I have only been married a year. Let me explain the story:

Unfortunately most of the women my husband were with prior to me cheated on him.

He's very into the cuckold fetish now.

He got really into the idea of me being a hot wife. He loved when I told him about bigger ****s

.... He pleaded for me to call others names, etc. I obliged because he was so turned on by it but really this did nothing for me. He wanted me to join a dating site, or make videos online, and some day meet a man in person. I said no to all of these things.

The cuckold talk died down in the summer time when I saw a Tumblr page he was looking at and I remarked that he looked like gay porn. Not only did the cuckold talk die down, but so did sex period.

....He essentially wrote that it's nice to be friends with exes and but with one in particular the elephant in the room was how attracted he still was to her. This is OK in a microscope I guess, but I looked up on the forum and the posting above was his ex college girlfriend. He had specifically responded to the post so she would see it.

......We talked about his sexuality. He looks at a lot of heteroflexible porn, but claims it feeds into the cuckold fetish. I think he's more bi sexual leaning, because when he wants me to talk about other men he gets the hardest when I talk about their ****s, and the way he reacts just seems to me that he's really fantasizing about men more than a once off type of thing.

Anyways, overall I'm just a bit at a loss as how to approach this with him. There are a few things I'm concerned about:

-- This tells me he's still checking up on her despite telling me he doesn't know why he made that post. Do I mention it? Let it go?
-- If he is more bi-sexual leaning, am I going to be enough? I don't feel like I'm satisfying him sexually as it is as I don't want to fulfill his fetish.
-- I'm very turned off by his cuckold fetish. In fact it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to have sex with someone else.

How do I proceed?
That is a lot for a year of marriage to handle, but you seem to be pretty special to him. First, if you get him to shut up about his feelings, desires, etc. He will hide a part of himself and his sex life from you, which is not good in a marriage.

You have every right to set sexual boundaries and negotiate them with him. I said negotiate, because it sounded like the girlfriends he choose in the past helped feed some of his cuckold fantasies.

I would guess that he isn't really bi-sexual, but that he does like some aspect of the cuckhold lifestyle. You, as his wife (assuming you want to stay his wife), should try to figure out what that aspect is and then see if you can incorporate it into your monogamous marriage. For example, for some being a cuckold may involve being humiliated by the wife. Or it could be being dominated by a wife and being submissive to her and her bull. To others it could be pimping her up and treating the wife as a wh**e, by finding F buddies for her. While none of those things are good for a marriage and mutual respect, you still might be able to play with some of them, because you have demonstrated to him that you can and have.

If you want to change and keep your marriage healthy you and he will need to condition each other to a new lifestyle that makes both of you happy. If I were you, I would make small changes and be clear about what your new boundaries are and how you are willing to change. You may also want to do some introspection about new things you are willing to do that he might want to try. They could be pegging, chastity, clothed female/nude male, milking him, prostate play, post coital tongue clean-up of you or things he may associated with cuckolding, but that are within your boundaries.

Remember you were the one that talked about other men and their penis size to him and played this mind game with him. He found the woman of his dreams in you, the woman who would feed his fantasies and now after a year of marriage you are saying no more. He may feel, rightly so, that a bait and switch has happened.

My advice to you is to recognize that you have to some extent encouraged him and now that you are backing off he is looking into an ex-girlfriend who probably fed his fantasies before you were in his life. That is a really bad sign that you can't ignore.

This is a serious situation for your marriage. Personally, you get to choose what you want to do with your life, if he is worth stretching yourself for, if you want to negotiate something that will make the both of you happy, or if you want to end the marriage.

I really don't get the whole cuckold attraction, but some men do like to be submissive, humiliated, etc. There are lot of dominatrixes out there that get paid big bucks to do disgusting things to men.

My advice to you is figure out what your boundaries are. Then tell him honestly that you may have done things to encourage his fanatsies that you are no longer comfortable with. You realize that in one sense it isn't fair to him to back away from what you were previously willing to do for him, but you have changed. Because you have changed, the two of you can try to work out some kind of compromises as to what you can do with him, but your marriage, your monogamous relationship, and your trust in him that he wouldn't cheat are on the line.

If you really love him figure out ways that you can find out what turns him on that you can live with. You can role play and do all kinds of extreme things. You can blindfold him and tie him on the bed, go into the living room and pretend to talk to a man and make noises like you are having sex with another man. Then you can open the bedroom door and say to the "pretend boyfriend" that this is your cuckold and then say good night to the pretend boyfriend and walk him out, open and close you main door, then come back to bedroom and tell your husband all about your date and ask him if he would like sloppy seconds or take a saved condom used previously by your H and use it to prove to him that another man has had you.

The brain is the largest sex organ and is easily tricked. If you are tired of the whole cuckold thing, as you say, and don't have the energy to figure out how to incorporate something else in your sex life, then your marriage is probably going to be on the rocks. In that case, spring for a sex therapist to help the two of you, they may be able to figure out a compromise that you can't.

Good luck. I wish you happiness.
 

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Hello!

This is my first time posting, but I have lurked a bit here and there!

My husband and I have only been married a year. Let me explain the story:

Unfortunately most of the women my husband were with prior to me cheated on him. The most egregious was his college girlfriend who he really loved and sacrificed for. She cheated the same day that he turned down a great opportunity for work in a different country. He described having sex with her after that as really intoxicating. Anyways, their relationship ended, he moved country and met me.

He's very into the cuckold fetish now. I was with a number of men prior to my husband, and initially I thought it was just good fun talking about those experiences. He got really into the idea of me being a hot wife. He loved when I told him about bigger ****s and what I wanted to do with them. He pleaded for me to call others names, etc. I obliged because he was so turned on by it but really this did nothing for me. He wanted me to join a dating site, or make videos online, and some day meet a man in person. I said no to all of these things.

The cuckold talk died down in the summer time when I saw a Tumblr page he was looking at and I remarked that he looked like gay porn. Not only did the cuckold talk die down, but so did sex period.

A couple months ago I noticed my husband being really weird on the computer, and clicked out of pages quickly when I came by. I asked him what was up and he claimed nothing, but I had seen what he was looking at so I quickly looked at it myself. It was a forum post on his home country forum. The question was about being friends with an ex. He essentially wrote that it's nice to be friends with exes and but with one in particular the elephant in the room was how attracted he still was to her. This is OK in a microscope I guess, but I looked up on the forum and the posting above was his ex college girlfriend. He had specifically responded to the post so she would see it. That was a bit much for me. I should add that while I was looking at the page, he had changed his post to leave out the bit about how attracted he was to her. I happened to load it before the change hit.

This led to a pretty massive fight. We talked about his sexuality. He looks at a lot of heteroflexible porn, but claims it feeds into the cuckold fetish. I think he's more bi sexual leaning, because when he wants me to talk about other men he gets the hardest when I talk about their ****s, and the way he reacts just seems to me that he's really fantasizing about men more than a once off type of thing.

Anyways, overall I'm just a bit at a loss as how to approach this with him. There are a few things I'm concerned about:

-- This weekend he made an off hand comment during a conversation that I found odd. I later looked at that ex girlfriend's forum posts and she made the same comment last week. It would be too much to be a coincidence. This tells me he's still checking up on her despite telling me he doesn't know why he made that post. Do I mention it? Let it go?
-- If he is more bi-sexual leaning, am I going to be enough? I don't feel like I'm satisfying him sexually as it is as I don't want to fulfill his fetish.
-- I'm very turned off by his cuckold fetish. In fact it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to have sex with someone else.

How do I proceed?

Sounds like he has a lot of emotional baggage and issues that need addressing. He has been hurt many times and he will be sensitive and need time to heal. It won't be overnight.

He loves you enough to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you.


Right away, boundaries.

- Sex only between the two of you
- no one else
- toys, strap on, oils, etc. all is fine


My worry is since he got screwed over so many times, he might cheat on you and with another guy? He might think this is normal?


If he is bent on having another man, move on.

If he cheats on you, move on.


He married you and only you. For better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc.


When married, he is not his own anymore and your needs are now his and vice versa.

If he always liked and wanted men, then he should of been totally honest with you before he married you, instead of now.


It sounds like you truly love him but he doesn't truly love you.


If I would of told Mrs.CuddleBug, 1 to 2 years after we got married, I want another woman. The fact I would love to see another woman have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug while I have sex with her would drive me crazy. Mrs.CuddleBug would be sick to her stomach and file for divorce. I too was screwed over badly by my last ex girlfriend before I met Mrs.CuddleBug. But what I did was focus on work and weight training. I didn't date for many years and when I did meet Mrs.CuddleBug, I was ready at that point. My past stays there and I don't allow it to interfere with our marriage.
 

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-- I'm very turned off by his cuckold fetish. In fact it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to have sex with someone else.

How do I proceed?
I have read a few blogs about this sort of thing because it made me scratch my head. In my personal opinion it comes across as if these men have fallen in love with porn and the only way to feel accepted is to somehow find a way to get porn to love them back, thus the hotwife/cuckold fetish as it culminates in the wife becoming a porn star for her husbands viewing entertainment, and then afterwards he gets to claim her and feel loved. ...just my opinion.

Ultimately men in these situations desire to be teased, which then evolves into tease and denial play.

Awkwardly enough tease and denial is closely related to various forms of tantric sex that focus on extended periods of slow sex with heightened arousal while avoiding ejaculation for days.

So here is a game you can play to overwhelm him while at the same time remaining in the boundaries of a healthy monogamous relationship. "Role play" a little and make up stories about your past sexual relationships. Create a fictitious ex-boyfriend that you have not told him about yet. Make up the stories in such a way that demonstrate to him HOW you want him to actually make love to you, but talk about it as if it were something that really happened in your past and you want him to reenact it out for you and that you are going to pretend for a while that he is this ex boyfriend. Incorporate "teasing and denial" into this role-play and explain that because he is not your actual ex boyfriend that he will not be allowed to have an orgasm. You can even go as far as to make him wear a condom because you do not want him to get to feel what your ex boyfriend would feel (this is tease and denial once again). Explain to your husband that if he plays along and does a good job that you will allow him to take the condom off, you can insert a lot of lube, and he can have a few seconds to experience "sloppy seconds" to have his orgasm.

He will explode from the "teasing and denial."

After doing this a few times talk about "why" he enjoyed it and get him to understand that he just likes "tease and denial." Then you should be able to transition away from cuckold role playing and more towards wholesome tantric exploration with each other.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta
 

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Fetishes are great if both partners are into the same one(s).

My ex was into B&D bordering on S&M. It was fine when it started out in the early days as him wanting me to wear sexy leather outfits and stiletto boots to bed once in a while, and even when a bit of bondage came into play. But it got weirder and darker - like dog collars and leashes, whips, and gags. It came to be the case that we couldn't just start making out and have one thing lead to another in an organic, natural way like I craved (and told him so) - it seemed he could only do it this way.

If you don't like the fetish, too, you shouldn't go through your life constantly playing a role that doesn't feel right and ring true for you just to keep the marriage together.

If I didn't have my son, I'd say I wish I'd left my ex about 20 years ago and found someone who actually valued me, instead of using me as a means to an end.
 

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Fetishes are great if both partners are into the same one(s).

My ex was into B&D bordering on S&M. It was fine when it started out in the early days as him wanting me to wear sexy leather outfits and stiletto boots to bed once in a while, and even when a bit of bondage came into play. But it got weirder and darker - like dog collars and leashes, whips, and gags. It came to be the case that we couldn't just start making out and have one thing lead to another in an organic, natural way like I craved (and told him so) - it seemed he could only do it this way.

If you don't like the fetish, too, you shouldn't go through your life constantly playing a role that doesn't feel right and ring true for you just to keep the marriage together.

If I didn't have my son, I'd say I wish I'd left my ex about 20 years ago and found someone who actually valued me, instead of using me as a means to an end.

I completely agree, if you aren't liking the fetishes then you shouldn't go through an entire marriage to try to please him. It's entirely different if you both are on the same page sexually.. I wouldn't compromise my comfort or sexual style just to constantly please my husband.
 

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I completely agree, if you aren't liking the fetishes then you shouldn't go through an entire marriage to try to please him. It's entirely different if you both are on the same page sexually.. I wouldn't compromise my comfort or sexual style just to constantly please my husband.
Sometimes marriage is all about negotiations and compromise.

David Schnarch in his books Passionate Marriage and the Crucible says that marriage is one of the hardest things two people can do, if done right. What he says is that two people grow and mature at different rates and so one is always pulling or pushing the other emotionally. So you are constantly struggling to renegotiate everything (sex, budgets, where to vacation, what to eat for dinner, etc.) during your entire relationship.

I agree with you that you should be forced to violate any hard boundaries or ethical limits. However, to me "compromise" is a different word and may have a different meaning. To me compromise is what what does with someone you care about as you negotiate with them.
 

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I completely agree, if you aren't liking the fetishes then you shouldn't go through an entire marriage to try to please him. It's entirely different if you both are on the same page sexually.. I wouldn't compromise my comfort or sexual style just to constantly please my husband.
Sometimes marriage is all about negotiations and compromise.

David Schnarch in his books Passionate Marriage and the Crucible says that marriage is one of the hardest things two people can do, if done right. What he says is that two people grow and mature at different rates and so one is always pulling or pushing the other emotionally. So you are constantly struggling to renegotiate everything (sex, budgets, where to vacation, what to eat for dinner, etc.) during your entire relationship.

I agree with you that you should be forced to violate any hard boundaries or ethical limits. However, to me "compromise" is a different word and may have a different meaning. To me compromise is what what does with someone you care about as you negotiate with them.

I'm all for compromise but being told to speak about other men's ****'s and more than a dildo or play up role, that's not compromise. That's asking out of reach. If she wanted to talk about other men's johnsons ect.. She more than likely wouldn't have married, to be soley committed to one person. I could be wrong, that's personally how I would feel.
 

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My simple question is why ?

Why do you think you need to deal with all his sh!t ?

You are married one year. It seems you didn't date long either or you would have known this dating..

You are not into it and you are going to hope he will change ?
Or that he will go to therapy and get fixed ?

This just really isn't worth it.. Trust me it just isn't...
 

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My simple question is why ?

Why do you think you need to deal with all his sh!t ?

You are married one year. It seems you didn't date long either or you would have known this dating..

You are not into it and you are going to hope he will change ?
Or that he will go to therapy and get fixed ?

This just really isn't worth it.. Trust me it just isn't...

Me either, the suggestions on compromise or how to better suit his fetish is somewhat crazy to me. It was pretty obvious in her OP that she wasn't at all into his fetish and or style.

I can't imagine having no interest or even close, compromising to something that doesn't feel natural at all. I'm horrible at talking dirty, I wouldn't do it because I'll sound like a robot. At least my husband is aware and doesn't hold it against me.

Also his fetishes which have let him look in other places, including watching what his exGF is up to? Umm should she compromise with that too? The answer no. There's no respect and only reason he stopped with asking about certain things, is because he was caught stalking (I mean watching) his ex. Tumblr I also heard was a great place to meet up for hookups.. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband on that website, not showing interest in sex with me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thank you all for your responses, it's given me a lot to think about. Key take aways for me:

1. What are my boundaries?
2. How will I outline them in such a way that I'm not attacking him... I feel like when I go over my boundaries I'm outlining exactly what he currently is seeking.
3. Figure out what exactly about the cuckold thing he likes. Even if it makes him uncomfortable, push to understand what exactly he wants from it... How can I fulfill those desires without going beyond my boundaries and not side stepping my own needs?
4. Tease and denial play could work well, thanks for the idea Bad Santa :).
 

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Hello!

This is my first time posting, but I have lurked a bit here and there!

My husband and I have only been married a year. Good. No kids. Easy to get divorced and find a better man. Let me explain the story:

Unfortunately most of the women my husband were with prior to me cheated on him. Fortunately, this is not your problem. Unfortunately, it may not have been that they cheated, but you don't actually know. Fortunately, your husband is telling you right up front that he is defective. Unfortunately, you aren't getting the message. The most egregious was his college girlfriend who he really loved and sacrificed for. She cheated the same day that he turned down a great opportunity for work in a different country. He described having sex with her after that as really intoxicating. This sounds fishy at best, and completely messed up at worst, with the worst case being that this tale of events is 100% accurate. Intoxicating after she was with another man? Really? If she came home and told him about it, was it really cheating? Anyways, their relationship ended, he moved country and met me.

He's very into the cuckold fetish now. Run away, Navypop, run away. I was with a number of men prior to my husband, and initially I thought it was just good fun talking about those experiences. He got really into the idea of me being a hot wife. He loved when I told him about bigger ****s and what I wanted to do with them. He pleaded for me to call others names, etc. I obliged because he was so turned on by it but really this did nothing for me. He wanted me to join a dating site, or make videos online, and some day meet a man in person. I said no to all of these things.

The cuckold talk died down in the summer time when I saw a Tumblr page he was looking at and I remarked that he looked like gay porn. Not only did the cuckold talk die down, but so did sex period. Oh, look. More real obvious signs that your husband is defective.

A couple months ago I noticed my husband being really weird on the computer, and clicked out of pages quickly when I came by. I asked him what was up and he claimed nothing, but I had seen what he was looking at so I quickly looked at it myself. It was a forum post on his home country forum. The question was about being friends with an ex. He essentially wrote that it's nice to be friends with exes and but with one in particular the elephant in the room was how attracted he still was to her. Oh, cool. Now he's having contact with his ex, because in addition to being stunted, he has poor boundaries too. You have good boundaries, turning him down on the **** stuff, so surely you'll put your foot down here. right? This is OK in a microscope I guess, but I looked up on the forum and the posting above was his ex college girlfriend. Well, damn. Guess not. He had specifically responded to the post so she would see it. That was a bit much for me. I should add that while I was looking at the page, he had changed his post to leave out the bit about how attracted he was to her. I happened to load it before the change hit. Is it too late to add "deceitful" and "untrustworthy" to the list of admirable qualities your husband possesses?

This led to a pretty massive fight. We talked about his sexuality. He looks at a lot of heteroflexible porn, when you say heteroflexible, do you mean "GAY?" but claims it feeds into the cuckold fetish. I think he's more bi sexual leaning, because when he wants me to talk about other men he gets the hardest when I talk about their ****s, and the way he reacts just seems to me that he's really fantasizing about men more than a once off type of thing.

Anyways, overall I'm just a bit at a loss as how to approach this with him. There are a few things I'm concerned about:

-- This weekend he made an off hand comment during a conversation that I found odd. I later looked at that ex girlfriend's forum posts and she made the same comment last week. It would be too much to be a coincidence. This tells me he's still checking up on her despite telling me he doesn't know why he made that post. Do I mention it? Let it go? I suggest mentioning it as a reason your are divorcing him.
-- If he is more bi-sexual leaning, am I going to be enough? I don't feel like I'm satisfying him sexually as it is as I don't want to fulfill his fetish. I think you should leave this question un-answered. Find a better man.
-- I'm very turned off by his cuckold fetish. In fact it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to have sex with someone else. See, navypop, you are normal, in that you want someone who wants you so much that they don't want to share you with other people. Deep down inside, you know that your husband doesn't like you that much- he wants to see you have sex with other men. Right now, this upsets you. It will get worse. You will lose all respect for him. You will come to loathe him, and you won't much like yourself either, by then.

You want security and intimacy. Your husband wants to feel humiliated and confused. By watching you have sex with other men, AT HIS REQUEST.


How do I proceed? Well, you have gotten some terrific advice on trying to make things work. You proceed whichever way seems best to you, but the question I have is, why on earth would you want to stay with this person. You only want his private parts in you. He wants other men's private parts in you. For a normal, emotionally healthy person, this should be a deal-breaker, period.
 

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Actually sounds like he's seeking emotional surrogacy.

He might have some latent bi-sexual tendencies, but unless he flips out for the toaster oven, shouldn't be too much of an issue - after all he's still White Knighting for an old gf.

Things you really should look at (IMO).
Openness and transparency: this hiding stuff will destroy the relationship, and any future relationship he has - be prepared to deal will stuff you might not like or want to know, and to help him seek appropriate handling should matters that are unacceptable come out. And certainly if he keeps feeling like he has to hold back, then he can never be completely with you ...especially regarding "elephant in the room".

His Obsession: with the ex-gf and the **** lifestyle. First up a straight up "now we've got the day's small talk out of the way", tell him how his willingness to be non-exclusive bothers you, and most importantly tell him truthfully, why it does. Truth is a two way street...think you can really handle that? The real reason, the unsafe reason, not just the one you tell others and your gf's.

I'm thinking that his ex-roommate might have had her "college years". And thus been quite boundary pushing and unreserved, this includes ...at least in his mind, quite dominating. Those first few sexually powered memory tracks do etch in deep (which I know from some magical rites that were practiced in the distant past).

It would be benefical to know what he finds stimulating in the **** porn. Is it the guy? Is it the women are open and available? That it is so hot watching a virile couple? Does he love the look on her face (that he himself might have to deal with emotional performance issues)? Does he like the submissiveness? Or that submissively she is aroused? What is it about the guy or the Bull that is so impressive for him? Does he like to feel himself in the role of the Bull, taking intimacy and be worshipped by other males who in the fantasy are now lesser males? is it the wild sexual Dionysian release (either in estacy or cultural escape)?
Perhaps it speaks to the distance he currently feels is between him and his current wife, and is mental self really wants to be the self-fulfilling carefree dominant bull that his wife is lost before his virility?
For some it's the sub/dom aspect? for others, there is a release of social responsibility (similar with bondage, but with bondage much of the fun is in the time and attention building it up...and most of their porn sux)

Until you start getting the truth from him, and being prepared to address your role in the partnership, nothing can be done, and things will just get worse.

My "across the other side of the world" guess is that with you being HD woman, he's looking for a female dominant, and having an issue dealing with modern life and his own expected "masculine" role - he wants to be your Bull, but also wants you to be his. big guess. (partly from the **** stuff, often the woman asserts control over the relationship through her sexuality)
 

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Days??? Did you mean "minutes"?

Days...WHAAAAAAT?

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OMG, I've managed to have sex for about an hour, pause, repeat again a second day with some teasing, pause... Badsanta could not last any longer!

There are some tease and denial forums where men like to get teased daily but are not allowed to ejaculate for 30 days or more. They describe the feeling of it being like a teenager again and getting to experience what sex/orgasm was like again for the very first time but way stronger.

As for the original poster most men with a cuckold fetish desire to be told how much their wife enjoys sex with someone else, while the actual husband is denied full sexual access to his wife for a period of time. He may only receive intermittent hand jobs and then full penetration on a rare and special occasion. From what I have read most wives in these open relationships will not allow their husbands to participate while she is out with other men; thus from the husband's perspective a little story telling and role playing should actually suffice if the wife wishes to remain monogamous. Combine with some confident tease and denial play you have the ingredients needed to keep him happy.

One interesting thing I find is that some cuckold blogs with couples in an open relationship actually do have some very creative ideas for tantric sexual exploration that build extremely high levels of desire. They are also rather humorous as well. Here is an example. There was one wife that decided that her husband was only allowed to have sex using condoms to purposely reduce his pleasure and make him miss having sex bare. She would only allow him ONE condom a month, but he was allowed to clean and reuse it as long as it did not break. Once it broke, no more sex until next month. So the best part is when they had sex, she would try to ride him hard so that the condom would purposely break and he would have a sudden moment of pleasure of feeling her bare, but he would be anxious and just want to go slow as to not break the condom so that he could have another chance to have sex before the month was over.

Now when you step back and analyze that type of play it very likely plays out how this couple got to experience bare sex for the first time in somewhat of a risky situation. So this type of tease and denial very well could be highly erotic if put in just the right context monogamously.

Badsanta
 
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