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We've been married 20+ years, both mid-40's with normal drives- 2~3x week. The problem: She craves and demands oral every. single. time. Whenever we get going, it's a race to get there. Foreplay consists of oral to climax for her, nothing for me. Typically when we start kissing she'll soon start pushing my head down. The real problem: Aside from the lack of mutual appreciation, she's mostly one-O-and-done. Her excitement and passion (one sided as it is) drops dramatically, once she gets hers. Making love, and it's only making love at that point, is lacklust at best.

Now we've talked about this over the past few years. We know each other pretty well and it wasn't like this the first half or more of our marriage. She'll admit it's kind of a rut, but believes my servicing her every time is some sort of privilege most men would dream about. So, what problem. Talking about reciprocating or more mutual foreplay hasn't gone anywhere. She needs it (oral), and since I'm a guy I have to love giving it. Oral for me (or on any guy) is just so much harder and unpleasant, it's like comparing apples to oranges. Really?

I know that I'm ranting but this is really hurting me, and I am sincerely looking for advice. A few months ago when I asked her what if I just stopped, her response was pretty much that she'd have to find someone else. When I turned that upside down, she suggested I get a sex toy.

I've lurked here long enough to know what cuckholding (sp?) is, and I assure you it's (or I'm) not. The MMSL is something I'm going to look into, but I have to question how effective any change on my part will be as long as: A) Oral is the only thing she wants, as fast as possible and B) Her attitude- entitlement to it, and a delusional view of sexuality.
 

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You have already partially hit the nail on its head.
She does have a delusional view of sexuality and a misplaced sense of entitlement.

But what you don't understand is that YOU are enabling it!
By her response to your frustrations she is saying that YOU SEXUAL GRATIFICATION DOES NOT COUNT , and that she could just as easily replace you.

She actually get her sexual high from dominating both inside the bedroom and I suppose outside.
What her actions mean is that you are not man enough to f...k her, you are her submissive.
My suspicion is that her behaviour in bed is a carry over from other non sexual roles in your marriage ?
 

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You have already partially hit the nail on its head.
She does have a delusional view of sexuality and a misplaced sense of entitlement.
But what you don't understand is that YOU are enabling it!
By her response to your frustrations she is saying that YOU don't count .
My suspicion is that her behaviour in bed is a carry over from other non sexual roles in your marriage.......
I agree....enabling tendencies are probably happening outside of the bedroom too. I bet if you start fixing that outside of the bedroom, things would improve inside the bedroom.


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I'm open to the idea that enabling and 'submissiveness' is carrying over from outside the bedroom, but I struggle as to where. My wife and I do really treat each other as equals in every other aspect, and I've been the one to ultimately make nearly all the major decisions we've had throughout our marriage- Hiring contractos (home improvements), car purchases, nearly all financial & retirement planning decisions. And many of life's small decisions, like where to go to dinner- 75% of the time my wife is unable to answer that one!

One thing I've left out is that I have and do occasionally go on 'strike' from giving. That hasn't yet resulted in anything resembling foreplay, just cool resentment.
 

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Just tell her that this one-sided pleasuring is no longer working for you, and refuse to do it. So what if she resents you not doing it? You resent her not reciprocating. No man or woman wants to feel that they're being 'allowed' the privilege of making love. Sex is something we share.

There are some excellent books out there (Sheet Music, His Needs, Her Needs and The Five Love Languages), and it might be an idea to read some of them together?
 

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You're getting it 2-3X's/wk and she enjoys it.... So her "O" is very important and yes she asks for oral..... You get off too.... Sorry not much empathy here.....

Is it perfect? Of course not. You need to work for more of a compromise or balanced sex life.

Is she selfish? Yep..... But heck you're having sex 2-3X's/wk......

But sorry many here would kill to be in your shoes......
 

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I'm open to the idea that enabling and 'submissiveness' is carrying over from outside the bedroom, but I struggle as to where. My wife and I do really treat each other as equals in every other aspect, and I've been the one to ultimately make nearly all the major decisions we've had throughout our marriage- Hiring contractos (home improvements), car purchases, nearly all financial & retirement planning decisions. And many of life's small decisions, like where to go to dinner- 75% of the time my wife is unable to answer that one!

One thing I've left out is that I have and do occasionally go on 'strike' from giving. That hasn't yet resulted in anything resembling foreplay, just cool resentment.


Ok then,
Maybe you should read the MMSL.......
 

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I'm admitedly a book hater and true to form I dont think this guy needs books. He needs backbone. OP...stop the lickity until she giveth the suckity. If she says she has to find someone else to do the job tell her you will too, plenty of women out there give head freely, openly and enthusiastically.
 

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One O and she's done. Yup, thats my wife. Doesn't want to continue as she says she's done. And of course we don't have sex any other time except the night time so "I'm tired and just want to go to sleep" is her usual response to an extended session. Which never happens. Oral is the same, I give but never receive. And 2 to 3 x a week is great compared to most of the posters on here.
 

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But heck you're having sex 2-3X's/wk......

But sorry many here would kill to be in your shoes......
I dont think so... To an extent having sex 2-3 times a week is good but having being the one who is always the giver of pleasure and never receives would cause resentment in anyone.

To the poster - are you dependent on her financially or in some other way (non sexual) which causes her to think that she is entitled whatever she wants.

Just tell her to F... Off and you can get a better partner. This seems pretty bad to me if she does not make effort for having a balanced sex life.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
My wife works, but is dependent upon my income to support the household. And I really don't see much of an angle outside the bedroom that would cause a sense of entitlement. I think the bottom line for her is oral O's are the only sex she likes. I'm not an expert, but it seems almost like an addition, or dysfunction.

I think my next move is to have another discusion, being up front that I plan to back way off until balance is restored in our sex life. End of story. And realistically, as long as there is balance, I can live with giving most of the time (hey, I do like it).
 

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You're getting it 2-3X's/wk and she enjoys it.... So her "O" is very important and yes she asks for oral..... You get off too.... Sorry not much empathy here.....

Is it perfect? Of course not. You need to work for more of a compromise or balanced sex life.

Is she selfish? Yep..... But heck you're having sex 2-3X's/wk......

But sorry many here would kill to be in your shoes......
REALLY?

who care what many do and don't get ........

man up and tell her you would rather beat it than make love to someone who it selfish in the bedroom.






so I guess if someone came on hear and said my husband is verbally abusive you would say well count your lucky stars he isn't physically abusive because many women are with men who beat them!


responces like this just seem silly!
 

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My wife works, but is dependent upon my income to support the household. And I really don't see much of an angle outside the bedroom that would cause a sense of entitlement. I think the bottom line for her is oral O's are the only sex she likes. I'm not an expert, but it seems almost like an addition, or dysfunction.

I think my next move is to have another discusion, being up front that I plan to back way off until balance is restored in our sex life. End of story. And realistically, as long as there is balance, I can live with giving most of the time (hey, I do like it).
IMO, this is the best way forward. It sounds like it's high time for your W to learn new ways of reaching an O - ways that are satisfying to both of you, not just her.

I would almost liken this to weaning a child off mushy food and on to solids :)
 
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