Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 32 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First post...I'm new at this. We are both in our early 30's, married for two years and have know each other for much longer. Good jobs, house, no kids, etc. The issue I am dealing with is my wife is very controlling. In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens. I don't feel that I have ever done anything to make her this way and she was this way in the beginning and I just ignored it.

She is fanatical to say the least. She focuses on certain things that may be bothering her and there is zero reasoning with her. She doesn't consider my point of view or any external factors. She nags relentlessly. I have blown up on her several times and she seems totally unfazed although sometimes she will cry. She rarely apologizes for creating this descension.

She is extremely controlling. She asks for details about my day and she is especially interested in what other people said at work and what interactions I had with other people. She asks constantly what I am thinking about. When I get a text message or phone call, she runs over to my phone before me and reads my text messages. If I want to text a friend or a relative (which isn't even a daily occurence) she gets mad. I feel that I do more housework, yardwork, fixing things, dishes, etc than she does. I don't think she has ever once cooked an entire meal for me although she usually helps with prep work.

She is very clingy. She always wants to hold hands, or wants a kiss before I leave the room. She calls and texts me sometimes for unimportant things- I think she is just checking up on me. She seems unreasonable on many things and many things are non negotiable, she only sees her side. She likes to tell me and other people what to do. I keep telling her that you can't tell people what to do.

I am a calm and patient person and a hard worker but this is very wearing on me. It is taking an emotional and physical toll. I routinely clench my teeth and fiddle around due to the stress and anxiety caused by this. There have even been times we were driving and she was nagging me so much I felt like crashing the car or hoped I got pulled over so I could tell the cop to arrest me to get me out of the situation! This is also affecting my concentration at work.

All this being said, we have a lot of great things going and we are compatible on a lot of levels. It is just that her behavior keeps pushing me further and further, it is almost soul crushing. I am having a really hard time seeing a long and happy relationship ahead given the current situation. Can anyone help?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
I feel scared for you. Get into couples therapy as soon as possible. Your walking on eggshell in year two of a marriage is not a good sign.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,074 Posts
Walk her over to the door. Show her how it opens and closes. Direct her attention to the interior of the house. Tell her, "here is where two equal, loving, adult partners treat each other with respect and who solve problems through loving compromise. Direct her attention outdoors. "That is where pushy women go." "You can be boss or you can be married." "Choose."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
She needs to get help. Maybe it can help if she realizes she can lose you if she keep treating you like that.

You are not a toy of her property... You're her husband and if she really loves you she needs to understand that. She's supposed to make you feel happy NOT make you feel like running away.

I used to be like that at the beggining of my marriage... Sometimes I think like her ( maybe not at that level) and I have to keep reminding myself I can't control him or what he does and being this controlling it's only going to make him run away from me. Also, this make ME unhappy...

Have you asked her is she's happy?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,967 Posts
First post...I'm new at this. We are both in our early 30's, married for two years and have know each other for much longer. Good jobs, house, no kids, etc. The issue I am dealing with is my wife is very controlling. In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens. I don't feel that I have ever done anything to make her this way and she was this way in the beginning and I just ignored it.

She is fanatical to say the least. She focuses on certain things that may be bothering her and there is zero reasoning with her. She doesn't consider my point of view or any external factors. She nags relentlessly. I have blown up on her several times and she seems totally unfazed although sometimes she will cry. She rarely apologizes for creating this descension.

She is extremely controlling. She asks for details about my day and she is especially interested in what other people said at work and what interactions I had with other people. She asks constantly what I am thinking about. When I get a text message or phone call, she runs over to my phone before me and reads my text messages. If I want to text a friend or a relative (which isn't even a daily occurence) she gets mad. I feel that I do more housework, yardwork, fixing things, dishes, etc than she does. I don't think she has ever once cooked an entire meal for me although she usually helps with prep work.

She is very clingy. She always wants to hold hands, or wants a kiss before I leave the room. She calls and texts me sometimes for unimportant things- I think she is just checking up on me. She seems unreasonable on many things and many things are non negotiable, she only sees her side. She likes to tell me and other people what to do. I keep telling her that you can't tell people what to do.

I am a calm and patient person and a hard worker but this is very wearing on me. It is taking an emotional and physical toll. I routinely clench my teeth and fiddle around due to the stress and anxiety caused by this. There have even been times we were driving and she was nagging me so much I felt like crashing the car or hoped I got pulled over so I could tell the cop to arrest me to get me out of the situation! This is also affecting my concentration at work.

All this being said, we have a lot of great things going and we are compatible on a lot of levels. It is just that her behavior keeps pushing me further and further, it is almost soul crushing. I am having a really hard time seeing a long and happy relationship ahead given the current situation. Can anyone help?
She is severely insecure and she is suffocating you trying to fill her void of insecurity.(which you can never do let alone is your place to do)

You need to be honest and tell her that her behavior (insistance by trying to control you ) is pushing you away.She needs to back off..before she backs ya'lls relationship off a cliff.

Offer to go to counseling with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
209 Posts
How much does your wife know how you feel? Just ask her for fun how it would be to be you for 1 day and listen to what she says. Does it correspond to what you are going through?
Same for you, are you curious about the reasons why she is controlling? Is it fear? What is behind her reaction?
I'm curious about your relationship's communication skills. How satisfied are you with the way you guys communicate?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,967 Posts
I am a calm and patient person and a hard worker but this is very wearing on me.
To validate you ?It would wear on the majority of people calm or not calm patient or not.Your feelings are NORMAL../understandable.

No offense to your wife (because I have thought of my husband that way because he was similar) its like you are being drained like they are a sucker fish or like a parasite..attaching to you to suck and drain out every once of life you have..because they have a huge dark endless void with nothing in it.Its like you are the water source she is the drain and you pour your water into her and it goes down a pipe into the vast foreverness then you run out and she is still empty but so are you .

Sorry for the bad analogy but I've been through it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,074 Posts
It was her parents' job to teach her to be a decent human being. One generally assumes adults who are ready for marriage have received basic training in the art of being human. Around age 3 most of us figure out that we're not the center of the universe. This woman is over 30.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,967 Posts
It was her parents' job to teach her to be a decent human being. One generally assumes adults who are ready for marriage have received basic training in the art of being human. Around age 3 most of us figure out that we're not the center of the universe. This woman is over 30.
3 !!!!!:D

I think its more like 25 but still.3 is more like when you realize other people exist besides you and MAYBE they feel pain (physical pain) similar to you .But yeah "basics" by 3..

Its funny watching an infant..you know how they will be amused fascinated and entertained by their own foot?Te world IS them..the ulitmate narcissist..of course they are supposed to be narcissist but I still think its funny to watch..:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
A few questions:

Have you ever cheated or lied to her?
How was her childhood? Anyone leave or died?
If mom was in the picture, is she controlling?

I'm thinking there is a strong fear of abandonment
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
Yea, the fear of abandonment is a big issue with controllers. but NOT because they are lousy :rolleyes:

Until she gets help, she won't change. I know from experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,221 Posts
Yes. My crisis was my husband leaving the first time. Then I got help, changed myself for so much better! :D and yet he's leaving again :rofl: Still bringing up old shet from before the first time he left.

His loss. I'm a better person than when I got into this marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,520 Posts
In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens.
Acknowledge this was a big mistake. I made the same one, but learned from it. There were no red flags with my wife now and wow is she amazing.


there is zero reasoning with her.
I understand.

You give this kind of personality choices. You do not reason with them. Do not argue. Do not explain.

Counseling or divorce. In counseling, it is either total honesty and concession, or divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Wow, Thank you all for your outpouring of support and advice! This is truly a great forum, I am so glad I found it. It brought a smile to my face to see all of your responses. To answer some of your questions, I have never cheated on her and only told very few white lies. I feel any white lies I have told are consequences of her own behavior as I tried to protect myself from excessive hassling. I often have to think before I say anything because I want to avoid being deluged with questions.

Her mother is an angel but her father treats her mother badly. Yelling at her and not participating much in household chores. I wonder how much this impacts my wife. I know she does not treat her father with much respect presumably due to the way he treats her mother.

We did talk about counseling a couple times and she agreed to go. We talked about finding a good counselor nearby and haven't made any progress from there. She didn't seem comfortable going to a woman counselor for some reason.

Thank you again for your help and support
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Change starts with YOU.

Why do YOU allow yourself to be controlled by another person?

If she says jump & you don't say "how high" what will she do?

Do you see where I'm going with this.........

I feel bad for you because I've been there. I pissed & moaned about my husband being too controlling all while allowing it too happen.

You have to start standing up for yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Emerald, good point. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance which obviously doesn't solve anything. When I do confront her it usually turns into a major blowup and hasn't yielded any progress in the past.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Emerald, good point. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance which obviously doesn't solve anything. When I do confront her it usually turns into a major blowup and hasn't yielded any progress in the past.
I get it.

I lived it for 22 years.

Don't be me. You CAN turn this around. Stand your ground each & every time. Think of her as a naughty child having temper tantrums.

I know you don't want to parent your wife.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,727 Posts
Emerald, good point. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance which obviously doesn't solve anything. When I do confront her it usually turns into a major blowup and hasn't yielded any progress in the past.
Dont confront. I think she will respond better to action. Stop engaging with her. If she is telling you how to do something you are already doing, calmly tell her "I appreciate your input, but this is the way I prefer to do it." If she nags, walk away...if she tells you what to do, do what you want anyway...that kind of thing. For sure get to counseling! I was tense just reading your post!
 
1 - 20 of 32 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top