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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I have been with my wife for almost 5 years. We got married 5 months ago in June. We had the most amazing relationship up till now. We never fought, we always got along, she was a best friend. Someone i could just do nothing with and be happier than ever. Our problems started when she graduated from college and had a hard time finding a job. No this isn't a money problem. She got hired at a restaurant as a hostess. With a $90,000.00 education and a Bachelors in Health Science she is making 9 bucks an hour part time. Again this is not the problem, it sucks, but its not the problem. The problem is she for the first time is making friends with all the other hostesses. These people are just drama ridden. I had no problem with this until she started to get interested in going out with these people. These people go out all the time. I could tell my wife is now interested in hanging out with friends all the time, even though it hasn't gotten there yet. I know it is what she wants. So i overreacted and freaked telling her that isn't what i want, I don't want to compete for her attention. Big mistake. we fought, and i later decided to just let her do whatever she wanted because if i didn't i would just be pushing her away, and i love her too much to let anything risk our marriage. She did the complete opposite of what i wanted out of spite. I found out later she was texting her friend and telling her things like, "my controlling husband, only wants to go so he can watch me and judge my friends" To me, that is betrayal. It is not even the thing she said that hurt, it is why she said it, and how willing she was to think of me like i am a problem in her life now. I would never even think this way about her, but she did with me. I just don't know how to feel. I feel like my loyalty to her is on a different level than hers. Mind you again these are people i have never met, never seen, and just met my wife a few months ago. She deleted the texts to hide this from me, but i just knew something was wrong. She lied to me to get away from telling me, but in the end it came out. I am very good at reading people, i know when people lie to me. And she is very bad at lying. it was almost written on her forehead. Now i have lost my trust in her. She sold me out, and betrayed me for some person she just barely met. It cut so so deep and i am trying so hard to get over it. I didn't get mad, or angry, i have just withdrawn into myself, the only emotion you can tell i have is sadness. I basically told her she can do whatever she wants. If i tried to tell her no at this point, i would just lose her. She already showed me she is willing to self destruct our marriage if i don't. I am 25 and she is 22. She has always shown me to be more mature than her age, but after getting this job i watched her digress into the mindset of a teenager. Where life is all about hanging out with friends. I don't get to see my wife very much either. She works nights, and i am in school during the day. This makes it even worse. She has told me how sorry she is and how bad she feels for everything, but she has not shown me at all that our marriage is her priority and she would do anything to fix it. I still feel like i let her do whatever she wants or she is gone.

Another huge problem for me is she sits on the couch when we are watching movies and tv and she texts people all night long. Is this something a wife should be doing? I barely see her, we are having the hardest and worst time of our whole relationship, and when we do get some time together she is off in a world that i am not a part of. I feel like i have become second place to her.

My question is am i being over sensative, controlling, jealous, unreasonable, or am i reacting in a normal way? My parents were my only models, and i never saw my mom taking off at least once a week to hang out with people my dad didn't know. She never went to parties without my dad. She didn't hang out with people at their houses until 2am watching movies. She never sat on the couch texting people all night long. I had a very different idea of what growing up entails. her parents however are the opposite. They did all this stuff, and ironically, they have a horrible, failed marriage. No respect, cheating, money problems, abuse, separation many times. her parents are her models.

HELP ME!! what do i do next?!

I am trying to take the steps from childhood into adulthood. I want to get past the "hanging out" with friends bit. I have been away from my friends for 3 years because i am also in college completing a Nursing degree. But i never spent time with my friends without inviting her first, and she always came because my friends were her friends also. her friends are complete strangers to me, and they are immature drama queens, i could never be interested in this... I want to get away from that, and she wants to dive right in. I am hoping to God she gets a job offer in a professional career where the co-workers are older, also married, and show her married people don't concentrate their free time on partying, hanging out at restaurant bars, ect. And the friends she does make are people that are level headed and good for her. So i can feel comfortable with her going out without me because i trust these people. Hell maybe even i could be a apart of her friends and stuff.
 

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Divorce her. Or threaten to (and follow through if she doesn't change). She doesn't value you, because she feels she cannot lose you.

There's a lot of talk about "emotional affairs" on this forum, but one of the points about it is that an "emotional affair" takes time and emotional investment away that rightly belongs in the marriage. There is no affair partner, but her activities with her friends are sucking away the time and emotional investment that should go into your relationship.

For this to occur 5 months into the marriage is trouble. If it doesn't change, I think the relationship is doomed.

If she it not willing to put the effort into the marriage that it takes, it's only going to fail sooner or later. Make the break now.
 

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Wow, that sucks!

I'd feel the same way in your shoes, and I don't think you are overreacting, although if you "badgered" her to tell you the truth you might be acting in a controlling way that won't help the situation.

As far as what to do next... I am very much a "nip it in the bud" kind of person. What I would do - which might not be right for you - is to tell her that you respect her right to choose and that you're willing to say goodbye to a marriage partner that doesn't make you her #1 priority - and give her 30 days to resolve the issue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
See, I have thought along the exact same lines. If I gave her an ultimatum, choose me or your friends, she would choose me, or say she chooses me. but then look at me as if i am controlling her. And she will resent me. allowing herself to lose respect for me and then eventually destroy to marriage. It just happened because i told her i didn't want her going out at least once a week with people i don't know. Enough so that she would talk bad about me to one of her "friends." She doesn't see marriage the same way as me. She is looking at me like her mother looks at her loser father. Exactly the same way...

If she gave me an ultimatum, her or my best friend of 11 years who has never done wrong by me. I would leave him. I'd be incredibly upset and devastated, but i know she is more important than him. And i would have to accept what she asked me, like a team mate taking orders from the captain, In order to make it work. There would be no point in me agreeing if i was just going to turn around and resent her. Less damage would be done if i just told her "NO" than if i said "FINE" and resented her afterwards.

our whole relationship went to **** in the last 2 weeks. 5 great, awesome, happy years with her destroyed in 2 weeks. I can't believe it, im still in shock from it. I understand the divorce her now before she hurts you again, it is what my mind is telling me that is logical, but i have put so much emotional investment into her. I can't call it quits yet. I am hoping this is a one time mistake, but she hasn't given me any reason to believe i am the priority and whatever i say whether it is reasonable or not, is more important than a bunch of temporary friends from a restaurant.

If she demanded me to do something incredibly ridiculous stupid and unfair like never talk to my mother again. As bad as it would kill me, I would do it. when i married her and took those vows. I meant them. I said them 100% wholeheartedly and genuinely. i swore my life to her, and i would take the bullet without a seconds notice. But then she betrays me for a bunch of people she barely knows.. I just don't know what to think. I know i am making her sound horrible, and you just going to have to trust that since your only getting a negative review of her as your fist impression its going to make it that way. But she showed the same devotion to me until this happened. It like a complete flip flop. I don't understand it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.

Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:

1) Hanging out with friends i don't know or don't approve of, doing things like parties where there is drinking, TGI Fridays at the bar, Friends houses late into the night.

2) sitting on the couch with me while spending time watching movies and TV texting a bunch of people through out the night. And during the day when we aren't really spending time.

She says she can't be happy unless she has friends. I take that as if she is saying, I am not ready to grow up and make my priorities about my husband and our future. I get it, there are times at home when she is bored and has nothing to do. But when my mother was bored she didn't take off and "hang out" like some kid. I don't object to her spending time with friends, But i do object when it becomes routine, and often, and with people i don't know and can't trust. Especially when we don't get a lot of quality time together. If she just has some decent trustworthy friends i wouldn't even care if she made a habit of it even though i don't think a good husband or wife should. I hardly spend time away from home. I can count on one hand how many times i spent without her this whole year. And much of it was to work on a corvette that my friend was building and he needed a hand.
 

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The problem:

I have been with my wife for almost 5 years...she is 22.
I will type this yet again. High school sweethearts should NOT be allowed to marry. She was too young. She is now experiencing BIG TIME what it's like to be a young and single adult for the first time in her life. And she LIKES IT!

And look at you for the past couple of months. Look at how you've been acting. Did you become more or less of a strong man while all of this has been going on? And all of the hot single men she's been meeting and partying with while she's been out (yes, there have been a lot. She didn't mention that, did she?) Do you think she seeks them out because they are LESS of a man than you?

Your solution:

We got married 5 months ago in June.
You: Very calmly and very seriously. "I did not marry you to share you with other people. This is not what I wanted in a marriage. So it's either us or them."

Then start your 180. WHEN she goes out that next weekend, you leave/serve the papers you have ready. You have to be ready to follow through. You will not share her with other men. And she will not change unless she knows you are serious. My gut tells me she won't change even then. That's why you need to be ready to follow through.

Think it's bad now? Wait until you are 50 and there are kids involved. You are lucky my friend. You caught this early. You get a do-over. You are a GOD to me. Is it going to be easy? No. It'll be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Times 10. But wait until you find that adult woman who loves you.

A do-over. You may not know it now, but you are one of the luckiest men alive right now. A relatively inexpensive life lesson.
 

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sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.

Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:

1) Hanging out with friends i don't know or don't approve of, doing things like parties where there is drinking, TGI Fridays at the bar, Friends houses late into the night.

No, you are right seeing this as a great threat to your relation. But I'm afraid that the situation is very clear, you have lost her now. Maybe you can get her back, shake her out of this fantasy world, take a stand.

2) sitting on the couch with me while spending time watching movies and TV texting a bunch of people through out the night. And during the day when we aren't really spending time.

This is behaviour seen many times when the girl emotionally left the relation. You are housemates, maybe with benefits. She will be gone soon if nothing is done about it.

She says she can't be happy unless she has friends. I take that as if she is saying, I am not ready to grow up and make my priorities about my husband and our future. I get it, there are times at home when she is bored and has nothing to do. But when my mother was bored she didn't take off and "hang out" like some kid. I don't object to her spending time with friends, But i do object when it becomes routine, and often, and with people i don't know and can't trust. Especially when we don't get a lot of quality time together. If she just has some decent trustworthy friends i wouldn't even care if she made a habit of it even though i don't think a good husband or wife should. I hardly spend time away from home. I can count on one hand how many times i spent without her this whole year. And much of it was to work on a corvette that my friend was building and he needed a hand.

This is unimportant bla bla in relation to your two questions. Stick to finding your own answer and actions to those questions.
 

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Wow, for such a newly married couple you have a butt load of issues to deal with. I have some random thoughts and advice for you:

Both you and your wife are way to young to be married. She in particular is showing an immaturity that tells me she absolutely shouldn't be married. As you evaluate your relationship with her during this crisis, you should consider divorcing as an option because she just doesn't seem ready. It could be that in a few years, after she saws her wild oats and grows up a little, you will find each other again and re-marry, but I get the feeling that she really wants to be single and is now trying to be single while being married. This is a recipe for disaster.

She did the complete opposite of what i wanted out of spite. I found out later she was texting her friend and telling her things like, "my controlling husband, only wants to go so he can watch me and judge my friends"
You never completed your thought here but I see two things. First I see more immaturity on your wife's part, doing things out of spite. Second, it seems like you wanted to join her and her new friends and she doesn't like it. I strongly believe that you should insert yourself into this new life of hers and go everywhere with her. I would insist on going everywhere with her at all times when she is with these toxic friends. If she objects, you say "either I go with you or you stay home, it's your choice" and stick to it! You need to know what is going on with these new friends and you do need to monitor her activities, You are her husband, you have to start acting like one, if you want to keep this marriage. She has no respect for you and the marriage right now and you have to have her gain that respect or you will lose her, if you haven't already. She has to start acting like a married woman.

She has called you controlling and you reacted to it ... big mistake. YOU CAN NOT BE AFRAID OF BEING CALLED CONTROLLING, WEAR IT AS A BADGE OF HONOR. She knew you would react to it because all you younger guys do. You have been conditioned to think this is bad, when in fact it is not. You have to control this situation in order to protect your marriage. If you are passive about this you will loose your marriage for sure.

Someone mentioned "Emotional Involvement" and this is a very good point. She in spending emotional energy on her new friends and not putting into the new marriage where it belongs. There is another thing to consider: There is a strong possibility that a male in this new group of friends has attracted her attention and that is why she is so insistent on going out all the time. This is a big reason why I said that you need to go with her as much as possible. Given her behavior, I do believe that if another guy isn't involved already, one will be soon. I really feel she is headed for an affair.

Finally you need to look up the 180 on this site and follow it. You are too passive, too afraid of loosing her and being too a nice guy to correct this situation. You need to stand up for your self and be prepared to walk away if necessary. You need to show her you mean business.

There are a lot of experienced people here on this site with a variety of opinions that can help you. Read there responses and ask more questions, but what ever you do stop being passive and take action.
 

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You are not her husband, you are her father. She just found out she is an adult now and is rebelling like a late teen. You probably won't be able to do much other than hold on to your dignity.

She didn't change due to these toxic friends. She was always this way. You just didn't know it or chose to ignore it.

She never sat on the couch texting people all night long. I had a very different idea of what growing up entails. her parents however are the opposite. They did all this stuff, and ironically, they have a horrible, failed marriage. No respect, cheating, money problems, abuse, separation many times. her parents are her models.
I usually tell younger people that if you want to know what your partner thinks a relationship looks like, meet the parents. They are the ones they will try to emulate. Up to you if you think you can handle that or not.

This is one such case. She has hit the 5 year barrier where many women will re-evaluate if her partner is still suitable or not. From the honest texting to her friends you know the answer already.

These girls night out thing is her way to go hunting for a new male. If you are OK with this you can expect to be compared to other blokes and lose your wife if, in her mind, you lose out, or, at the very least, you need to be ok with her banging other dudes to test out the waters.

Now, you don't want to be "controlling" (cuz you modern age yanks are allergic to that word) and you can't really be. This isn't the 50s. But what you can do is to act like a strong man and outright tell her that she is free to do as she pleases (cuz she actually is) but she should not expect you to be married to a man she has no respect for. Tell her that you will be looking for a divorce and move on with your life and will possibly be in the market for a partner that acts in a respecting way and is a grown up.

And, most importantly, actually MEAN IT, for your sake.
 

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And, most importantly, actually MEAN IT, for your sake.
You have to be ready to walk. You OK living this way the rest of your marriage? If she chooses them, she's gone. It really is THAT simple. How AWESOME to learn it at 25, no kids. 5 months in? You're still dating.

I'll say it again. You're a lucky man. You just don't know it yet.
 

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First, all of the constant communication that she is having with friends is still an emotional affair, because she is putting all of her emotional energy into other people instead of you. It's not controlling to insist on being the most important person in her life - you're her husband after all...

Has she been looking for jobs in her field of study? $90K worth of debt should light a fire under her ass to get some work. You're 25 years old, so what are you going to school for? I hope for your sake that your schooling is part time and that you are not doing this full time and adding even more debt to your situation.

If I were you, I'd give her the ultimatum - them or you. Also, I'd insist on 100% transparency in all communications moving forward - meaning she can also check up on you too. If she cannot live with that - get the divorce and consider yourself lucky that you didn't get too deep with this marriage. You can probably get this thing annulled and be financially free of her. Then we'll see how long she keeps her part time hostess job. She'll grow up real quick. It's probably what she needs.
 

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I don't know what is up with these girls who have a man who loves them and waits for them at home, yet they think about spending the night out with meaningless friends.

At 22 it's hard to think like a grown up.
I'm 25 myself and I've changed A LOT compared to when I was your wife's age.
Getting married when already a kid is a big mistake.

The problem is that you two have been growing up in two different environments. Even if you were the same age you'd still have problems because of the different lifestyles and mentalities. You sound more mature and come from a stable family.
You value your family and want to have yours just the same.
She has another point of view and sounds like even if she were older, she'd still think it's okay to stay out until 2am and make her friends a priority.

She's got a LOT of work to do to go back to marriage life. I'm afraid she's enjoying the "single" life a bit too much.
 

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I don't know what is up with these girls who have a man who loves them and waits for them at home, yet they think about spending the night out with meaningless friends.

At 22 it's hard to think like a grown up.
I'm 25 myself and I've changed A LOT compared to when I was your wife's age.
Getting married when already a kid is a big mistake.

The problem is that you two have been growing up in two different environments. Even if you were the same age you'd still have problems because of the different lifestyles and mentalities. You sound more mature and come from a stable family.
You value your family and want to have yours just the same.
She has another point of view and sounds like even if she were older, she'd still think it's okay to stay out until 2am and make her friends a priority.

She's got a LOT of work to do to go back to marriage life. I'm afraid she's enjoying the "single" life a bit too much.
I see this a lot where 22 year olds are treated like they are still teens. I disagree with this concept completely. At 22, you should be able to assess situations clearly enough to know when you are supposed to become responsible and how you are to go about doing that. I never understood why people think a 22 year old needs to be shielded from the big bad world.
 

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Ive seen something of this type of thing in my own scenario and why I ended up here on TAM

I was given great advice and despite hurting like hell I went with it and yes it worked to a piont and allowed me to make decisons. I too thought I was being cantrolling. But hang on - YOUR MARRIED. There are boundries that each partner should ahere to and when either steps over these should accept and expect the other partner to make clear they ahve done so.

1. Going out acting like shes single. Tell her that this is what its starting to look like. She is creating a life outside the one you both shared and like it or not appears to go one in a manner that looks like a secret second like - They dont have these in a marridge. If youve stopped acting like a bacholar when you married and did this out of respect for the vows of marridge then she either should to or ask her outright, would she now be happy if you started to act in the same manner, then list the late nights, staying out till 2am when she might be at howm worryng where you are, telling people that are stangers to her the most provate details of your marridge - let her see the issue if the roles were reversed.
Texting "friends" all night when you are suppost to be wrapped upo together cuddling and showing a love and affection. Tell her there is a time line and after that phone down and its you two. You cannot be expected to be a disrespected like that. Try as well tecting when she talking to you and start ignoring her until youve read or sent the text, e ven if you arnt actually texting let her see herself in what you do, reflect her actions.
I even sat there one night and though "screw this, Im going to just poke her with a sharpe stick and see the response". I waited till we were supposed to be cuddling and thencounted the texts over an hour and the n I text her saying, Just thought Id tell you Im sittuing here with this woman whi is acting like shes single and in the house on her own. Im off to bed"

I did this and all hell erupted. She basically word for word hit me with what I was complaining about. I sat there, said nothing and let her gush it all out at me. Then quietly and controlled said Im doing exactly what you have been doing, nothing more, nothing less and your upset. So, how am I supposed to feel if you dont like it?
You do need to get the point of being married across and the boundries YOU have self emposed so that she doesnt see your actions as a threat to your marridge and what she has done to you that makes you feel NOt controlling but concerned that she is leaving you in small amounts. You'll then have to ask the obvious quesstions - Does she want a single life as she is clearly showing that this is the road shes taking and you WILL NOT BE HURT by her. It may be she needs a wake up call that hits home. But many relationships that start in school often start to rock when either of the parties starts to live in the real world where temptations area ll around and they just feel like thay want to have a small try, which is the slippery slope. Dont be ashamed of wanting to fight for you marridge and your wife and make sure you tell her exactly that, Its not controlling to want to protect what is dear to you.....
 

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Tell her isn't not that you have friends. We all need friends.

The problem is that these friends and you are living in a separate world that doesn't include your husband. And it's pretty clear since you sit and text even when with me, that your friends and this new world are a higher priority to you than we are.

What would happen if she spent all her time when out with the friends doing nothing but texting you her husband? - Answer - they'd call her out on it and ditch her.

Yet she expect you to accept her doing that to you. Why? You're less important to her than the stupid crap they are texting.

As for drama, your right there is a lot of drama with the kind of people she is working with and not only is it about drinking, but possibly drugs, and definitely relationships/dating.

Time and time again men come on here with a story much like yours. They start off because their wife isn't home much, she's going out with her new restraurant/bar work buddies. Only later does the OP discover that the wife is also in a physical affair with either one of the guys she's working with or with the brother/friend of a bf, of one of the girls in the group.

So you very much need to not only be worried about all the time she's spending with them where you are not welcomed or invited, you also have to worry about her hooking up. I know you believe she'd never to that, and so does she. BUT, if she's partying with a bunch of singles and she likes the life they are living, she's going to want to fully be part of that life and that life includes hookups and dating.

Healthcare is the biggest booming industry right now. Why isn't she able to get a job? Even if its part time in doctors offices or the local hospital., its work related to her field. Working at a restaurant is not.
 

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Oh here's a cheat sheet.

You're controlling == you won't let me hang, flirt, and even date if I want to.

"You're controlling" - your response should be: "No I'm not. I do have expectations of your commitment to me and boundaries that should never be crossed. Going out drinking and partying with a bunch of singles and not including your husband, shows both a serious lack of commitment to me, but also crosses boundaries that should not be crossed. If you want to be single, and be going out alone as a single, then let me know."

also ...

"It's not controlling to expect to be including in your wife's social life. Right not you are going out and partying with people that not only don't I know, but I'm not even included or invited."
 

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Wow, that sucks!

I'd feel the same way in your shoes, and I don't think you are overreacting, although if you "badgered" her to tell you the truth you might be acting in a controlling way that won't help the situation.

As far as what to do next... I am very much a "nip it in the bud" kind of person. What I would do - which might not be right for you - is to tell her that you respect her right to choose and that you're willing to say goodbye to a marriage partner that doesn't make you her #1 priority - and give her 30 days to resolve the issue.
I agree, except I don't see why she needs 30 days to figure it out. Three to four is the most I would allow.
 

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One thing I don't see is why you are not hanging out with your wife at some of these get togethers. Are you not invited, are you not going or what.

If she gave me an ultimatum, her or my best friend of 11 years who has never done wrong by me. I would leave him. I'd be incredibly upset and devastated, but i know she is more important than him. And i would have to accept what she asked me, like a team mate taking orders from the captain, In order to make it work. There would be no point in me agreeing if i was just going to turn around and resent her. Less damage would be done if i just told her "NO" than if i said "FINE" and resented her afterwards.
It is not an ultimatum. It is about priorities. You are setting her free to do what she really wants. Her actions are telling you that she would rather party than be with you. Love her (and yourself) enough to give her what she wants.
 

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If I gave her an ultimatum, choose me or your friends, she would choose me, or say she chooses me. but then look at me as if i am controlling her. And she will resent me. allowing herself to lose respect for me and then eventually destroy to marriage.
You have it wrong. This is thinking is exactly what leads many into the infidelity forum. You both took a vow to put each other before all others. She is breaking that vow. Also, both of you got married after 5 years of establishing and understanding of the unspoken rules of a relationship. She is changing those rules without taking your needs into consideration. As for your fear of being controlling, requesting that she act like she is still married to you is not controlling. Having expectations that your reasonable needs as a spouse are met by your spouse is not controlling. Having her not go out with people that you do not know until 2 am is not controlling. If you think that being called controlling for asking her to act like your wife will lose your respect, you are wrong. Your happiness in a marriage matters too and not standing up for your marriage and your happiness is the surest way to lose your wife's respect.

Healthy marriages have boundaries. One common boundary is that you cannot have a friend that is not a friend of the marriage (such friends are called toxic friends). Another is that you spouse must feel welcome to meet all of your friends and to join you on most outings especially if it is to things like going out to bars. You need to sit down and logically discuss boundaries and agree on boundaries. If she does not want to do this, then your marriage is heading for divorce long term. Man up now or you will lose her later.
 

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sorry so just so i can go through this systematically. i need these two things answered above all else.

Am i being controlling and unreasonable by having a problem and feeling upset and hurt when she:

1) Hanging out with friends i don't know or don't approve of, doing things like parties where there is drinking, TGI Fridays at the bar, Friends houses late into the night.
2) sitting on the couch with me while spending time watching movies and TV texting a bunch of people through out the night. And during the day when we aren't really spending time.

She says she can't be happy unless she has friends. I take that as if she is saying, I am not ready to grow up and make my priorities about my husband and our future. I get it, there are times at home when she is bored and has nothing to do. But when my mother was bored she didn't take off and "hang out" like some kid. I don't object to her spending time with friends, But i do object when it becomes routine, and often, and with people i don't know and can't trust. Especially when we don't get a lot of quality time together. If she just has some decent trustworthy friends i wouldn't even care if she made a habit of it even though i don't think a good husband or wife should. I hardly spend time away from home. I can count on one hand how many times i spent without her this whole year. And much of it was to work on a corvette that my friend was building and he needed a hand.
This here.

The friends you don't know. Late into the night.

Who are the men there? You don't know.

What are they doing with your wife? You don't know.

Toxic friends, unknown men, and staying late at someone's house . This doesn't add up to anything good.
 
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