[jenn0029]

Hi,
My case is not so cut and dry.

I met my husband online, we became best friends, then fell in love. I have always been a spiritual person and my wedding vows are my life long oaths.

4 months after we were married my new husband - and father to be- changed. He became extremely neglectful, self centered, leaving us (my son, my baby and I ~fresh from a C-Section) in dire straights. Meaning I had to beg him to cut wood for the wood stove in which he seldom "had time for"~we were on a Canadian farm in mid-Winter~; he took on a multitude of expensive, still unfinished projects, alienating me in the decision making and leaving our family in financial debt, and claimed I was poisoning his food ~ so he ate out with his friends. He also chased out our tenants, losing that income, and even though explained, they took vengeance by stealing and wrecking the place.
He rolled us in his jeep trying to outrun delusions and began to interrogate me and the kids daily.

My husband was diagnosed with schizophrenia and hospitalized the next summer months after having an "episode" at work. He inherited this disorder from his aunt ~ who had acquired it around the same age. The nurses kept telling me to tell him "that home would take care of itself and he was to heal". I visited as often as I could as I was trying to clean up the mess he left behind with an infant and my newly diagnosed ODD, ADHD son.

I managed to work us out of most of the unresolved problems and debt with a repayment plan, I put us back on track with home life and maintained a very demanding lifestyle with rare breaks while he struggled with depression and meds. He didn't shower, change clothes (he was 'metro-sexual' when we met), he just watched TV and let me do everything, ignoring me when I begged, pleaded, lectured for his aid and drive to return. After months of this I turned to criticism, judgment and ultimatums, for that I am sorry. AND he seldom wanted sex, so when he did, I was too tired of riding the roller-coaster to comply *plus I find un-brushed teeth a huge turn off*

I started suffering from gallbladder attacks (very painful) and poor self esteem as my husband would talk of "swinger clubs" and pursuing his education by living in the city. From one 'mission' to another everyday, none of which included us as a family unit. All pointed to separation, which, from exhaustion, I was more than happy to give when his attention turned one day to divorce ~and taking the baby one week with him in the city and one week with me in the country... so I took the kids and left him, assuring him it was a break *so he would let me out of the locked bathroom.

I was shocked when he called me 2 weeks later at my mother's and demanded an exact date of separation "for his taxes" as this event took place this past April. So we agreed on a date. It was over. All my work, wishing, and praying was dumped. He dumped me.

I immediately went into survival mode and pursued employment across the country (where income in my trade is higher and there would be nil chance of his vengeance). Also there are more support programs for my son.

Whilst he continued soul-searching and found himself a "friend with benefits" ~who just so happens to be a distant associate in my prof trade". He barely called. He just moved on.

Meanwhile we got crushed by a half ton chev, a month after arriving here, I lost my job and my sons both got sick. To say it's been trying, well, try dealing with insurance companies on top of everything else. Again, no real sentiment came from him, and no money support either.

Now, after I set us up here, he wants me back. After a summer with *miss A* and freedom, he said that he wants me back. No real reason except he misses the family he barely paid attention to. He made me a necklace, sent me roses but told me that the affair is not an affair because I left and he doesn't feel the need to beg forgiveness and it was 'my fault' or both of 'our faults' that the divorce happened in the first place as I had given him ultimatums for months before his own.

I don't know who's right or wrong. I feel betrayed in so many ways.

I'm too tired to think anymore...
-Apart of me says "let him go, he's sick and the children are happier now and we are WORTH more than his summer discernment of us"

-another part says that "the kids deserve a father and I should give hm a second chance for the sake of a solid family life".

Should I just move on and let him fend for himself? I know it certainly would be the easier route...

 

[Sensitive]

My brother has schizophrenia and has been stable with anti-psychotics for years. He often babysits our kids, but only with another adult supervision from my parents. Reading your story, I don't see any good reason to go back to your husband. If you need financial or emotional support or someone to be fatherly, get a family member or friends to help. Consider getting married to another man if you really need some intimate love.

 

[jenn0029]

I was leaning toward leaving him for good.

It's the new gifts and apologies this past week that has me questioning my initial decision. He wants to move closer to his family for extra support and wants us in counseling.

I know he will become stable with his meds as well. Am I tearing our family and marriage apart by being hasty?

 

[Corpuswife]

Jenn what an nightmare for you! I commend you for your fortitude and strength. Not many could have tolerated your situation.

What has changed about him? Is he currently on meds and stable? Some never get stable with meds and even so...have great difficult living with others. Or should I say others have great difficulty living with them.

I would seriously consider doing this alone for now. Has he ever been a support system for you? If not, are you willing to take him "on" again if he has a reoccuring episode? Or if he quits taking his meds.

I am not going to tell you what to do. You know your husband well. Look at all of the time that you did spend together. Ask yourself how much was good?

 

[jenn0029]

Funny that you should use the phrase 'take him "on"' as I use it as well. Such as you would a puppy or another child.

For the first year, he was the most beautiful, wonderful person that I could lean on/ count on and love. He was a brilliant father to my first born and an extremely loving support system to me. He was a gift to the world as he had saved lives through his work. He was a gift to my world. It was these memories that gave me strength to endure the bad years to come.

I haven't seen this person in more than 2 years. Just bitterness, blame, and now betrayal as well.

He did cry when he confessed the affair. It was the most sentiment that I have heard in his voice since the disease. I don't know if he is stabilized as the military just gave him a month off (he wants to quit as he sees his work as being a major trigger).

I know I need more time alone. Just to re-coop, raise the kids and find myself again. He is taking it as aggressiveness towards his affair, to which I very much was at first. Now I'm just confused. I made a vow for better or worst.

 

[Sandy55]

Look at it this way. Would you take on schizophrenia if he were not attached?

Some diseases are best left alone, if you were without kids, I'd say help your dh, but you are not alone. You have kids you need to be the adult for. You cannot save him or fix him and if you try, your kids may lose the only adult they have who can stay afloat.

Save yourself and your kids. Your kids need you more than he does. It isn't going to be easy because he will try to be in your life and mess with you. I suggest moving far away and suspending contact if possible.

 

[jenn0029]

Is anyone out there in cyberspace married to a Schizophrenic?
or know of a couple who made it work?

 

[purplefrootloop]

I am going though almost the SAME thing!!!! My husband and I separated after 10 years together and a 15 mo old baby. After the baby, he started getting sicker and sicker. He stopped taking his medication regularly, and was completely distant and un involved in EVERYTHING. I tired my best to get him the help that he needed, but he refused, lied to me, lied to his Dr's, and I eventually couldnt take the abuse from him anymore. I had a baby to think about. So I became angrier and angrier, and gave him ultimatums. He came home after an arguement and decided that he wanted stay somewhere else, and would talk to me in a week. A week turned into a month, and I am still sitting here. He comes by once in a while to visit the baby, thats all. He usually will not answer my calls, and wont talk to me. When he does talk to me, theres a 50% chance he will go off the handle. He will call and scream at me and blame me for EVERYTHING, and call me names and this and that, I will not participate in that and that makes him even more mad. Then an hour or so later , he will call back as if nothing even happened and want to know what I am doing? His up's and downs are out of control and I have basicly lost hope. Hes happy living out of a back pack in the hostel in our little town and going to work. Plus, he is drinking again. He completely abondoned me and our baby. Hes lieing to EVERYONE saying that I "threw him out against his will, and I deserve whats comming to me". I can't imagine that hes taking his medication. When he comes by, its only for an hour, to visit the baby. and he acts like I am a complete stranger, then as soon as the clock hits an hour, he RUNS out the door as fast as possible. He has taken NO responisbility for what has happened. I know what I have done, and I know what got me to that point. I know what I did, but it was after years of abuse from him. I really don't know what to do at this point. Yes he is sick. but he is also being such a Jerk. Just to hurt me. I want to move on, but its so hard after 10 years. You know? How do you just get over that? I dedicated my life to him, and taking care of him, and everything else, and he just bailed on me when things wernt going HIS way. I don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe we can chat! our sitsuation is quite similar.

 

[mrnice]

I was leaning toward leaving him for good.

It's the new gifts and apologies this past week that has me questioning my initial decision. He wants to move closer to his family for extra support and wants us in counseling.

I know he will become stable with his meds as well. Am I tearing our family and marriage apart by being hasty?

That's what they do, punish you for no good reason with one hand and then hand you a bunch of flowers in the other hand.

Move on with your life. Now.

 

[Namdeer]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I too am dealing with a spouse with schizophrenia. Our stories are completely different, but the choices we face are similar. I'm realizing that because of her illness our life together will never be the same. There is no magic pill, that will make everything better, and you really have to think long and hard if can continue to ride the roller coaster. I always wanted to believe I have to do whatever I can to keep my family together, now I'm starting to believe I have to do whatever I can to provide my children a stable place to live.

 

[BFGuru]

My brother is also schizophrenic. I allowed him to babysit while he was medicated. The problem with schizophrenia though is that they feel fine and convince themselves that they do not need their medication. It is a circular situation where they feel good, come of the meds, crash, realize they need them, feel good, come off the meds, crash...etc. etc. etc.

You will not win. He will not apologize. He may not even remember everything he did to you. He is unsafe, and you are established where you are. You can find another job when your body is healed enough to work again. Your boys are acclimating to where they live now. Don't rip them up to have to endure life with a sick father who may or may not have the capacity to love them.

Don't keep him hidden from them either. Let them know daddy loves them as best as he can, and as they get older, allow them to learn alittle bit at a time what their father's illness entails.

For the record, my brother was only violent toward me before he was diagnosed. He never raised a finger to me afterward. He was never abusive anymore. Just because you are mentally ill, does not excuse you to be a douche. He knows this.

 

[SurpriseMyself]

A coworker of mine had a similar situation. Her H developed schizophrenia when their only child was just a baby. She had to make a decision, as he wouldn't stay on his meds. She ended up leaving him and is doing well now. Her H does have joint custody and stays on his meds. It seems to work for them.