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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I would really appreciate all replies, but from men who have cheated I would really like to hear from pls.

Please bear with me, and thanks so much in advance. I have a long distance relationship with a man for 10 years. But we first had two years of constant togetherness in the same country. He comes home every 1-2 years for about 2 weeks. He's been separated from his ex wife since I met him and we've waiting for his divorce to get finalized so he can petition me and we can be together. I recently found out that he has been having an affair with a girl in the house where he was renting a room. I had no idea because he made me feel like I could trust him, doing all the things he used to do to assure me of his love, like calling me multiple times a day, Skyping on off days or when he gets home, telling me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he loves only me, saing I'm so pretty, sending me cards and flowers on occasions. Turns out that they had sex starting 2007 and he told her that it was just a physical urge he had and that they can't have a relationship, but she kept seducing her and he kept being horny and giving in. He went home here to spend time with me that year when they started having sex. Again he showed only signs of a man who was truly in love and only wanted me when he was here. He even showered me with gifts which isn't unusual of him. He even gave me a ring. But they continued having sex when he got back and he still hid this from me. Turns out the girl already had two abortions but told me that she was using pills the whole time and then she got pregnant for the third time and didn't want to abort anymore. Now this bomb explodes in my life and she told me she has a two year old son and they've been living together. She said that he claimed that he already broke up with me but he never did, we have gone on as we normally do, even having internet "intimacy" just like we do before, he covered all of this up. She said she started suspecting and found a way to get in touch with me. The girl wanted to confront him already and we did this by audio skyping. Before she went to him for the skype, I texted him that she was waiting for him and to not go out because I was scared that she might be violent. So before he came out to her, he texted me- "Whatever happens pls trust that you're the only one I want." Now during the confrontation the girl said that she wanted him to make a choice. He said that he will choose neither and will just be by himself. The girl sounded desperate and said that she won't be able to let him go just like that. He also said that she cuts herself with a cutter at times, and I also heard that she was punching him on the shoulder or chest at the start of the confrontation. He said again that he will not choose. But he messaged and txted me after the talk, asking me if I can forgive him and that he will be coming home soon to visit me here in our home country asap. The girl has since gone silent and I don't know if he's told her the same. I've asked him to skype with me if he's serious and he asked for several more days as he's still working.

Now I would like to ask from your experience as men who cheated before, even the women cheated on but the marriage survived:
1. Is it really possible that he really loved me all this time that he was having an affair and having sex with her and hiding it from me? (We promised to be monogamous)
2. Is it really possible that a man can lie so much to cover up the affair if he really loves me?
3. How do I talk to him when we finally skype? What should be my terms and all?

Thank you all so much for your time and patience.
 

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You've been taken for a ride for the last 8 years. Sounds like you're the "other woman". When was the last time you spent time at his place, rather than him coming to see you? Why haven't the two of you found a way to live closer to each other? How does it take 10 years to get a divorce?

Why do you want any "terms"? He's got a child with another woman that he's been living with. Cut him lose, find a local guy to start a relationship with.

C
 

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He had a life with her, he's been living with her and having sex with her for five year, he has a two-year-old child with her, he lived with her and his child, they were his family. You were a 10-year-relationship that he did on vacation and in his spare time. It is easy to buy gifts and it is easy to buy a ring and it is easy to say words. Living with someone day to day and staying with them is the bigger test of who is more important. It was not you.

She was his main relationship, you have always been the other woman. He lied to her about you, he definitely lied to you about her. She was always number one to him.

I am so sorry that you were lied to and you basically wasted 10 years of your life pining away for this lying cheater. It is time to cut your losses and move on.
 

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1) he cared for you at some point, And he is protecting his investment.. Like married men who still care for their mistress.

Imagine if you told him the same thing. That you practically replaced him in his absence with another guy. How would he react ?

2) No, it is not love.

3) End the relationship. The long distance is not working and he is a remorseless cheater.
 

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Why haven't the two of you found a way to live closer to each other? How does it take 10 years to get a divorce?....
What on earth are the reasons for living so far apart for 10 years?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
We live in separate countries because he had to work and earn a living in the US. As I mentioned in my post, he visits here every year or two at the most but there's even been a year that he went home twice. Being an immigrant he had to wait to be a citizen first before he could file a divorce and we've been waiting for it. He stayed in the same apartment with the girl since she gave birth 2 years ago because her parents disowned her. They didn't even know she was pregnant until she was eight months. It's hard to squeeze the events of so many years in one message but I hope the forumers would be willing to answer my questions. And please take it easy on me, I am already devastated.
 

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damn that's a long separation/divorce
ten years???
long distance relationships only work if both of you set out your expectations early on. Sounds to me like he's doing whatever he likes whilst you sit around waiting for your 2 weeks once a year
I guess you've turned down other potential relationships during this time?
What a waste - let go of him and find someone who isn't going to lie to you
 

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We live in separate countries because he had to work and earn a living in the US. As I mentioned in my post, he visits here every year or two at the most but there's even been a year that he went home twice. Being an immigrant he had to wait to be a citizen first before he could file a divorce and we've been waiting for it. He stayed in the same apartment with the girl since she gave birth 2 years ago because her parents disowned her. They didn't even know she was pregnant until she was eight months. It's hard to squeeze the events of so many years in one message but I hope the forumers would be willing to answer my questions. And please take it easy on me, I am already devastated.
We are being easy on you. But you need to face your reality. Which is that you've been lied to and played for years.

Where did he get married? Have you actually verified that he needs to be a "citizen" before he can get a divorce? Other people get divorces, even if they don't live in the States. What difference does it make if they didn't know she was pregnant until she was 8 months along (how large is she, BTW)? And BTW, she didn't get pregnant once (to have her child). She got pregnant 3 times! And she knew a lot earlier than 8 months that she was pregnant those times, because you don't get an abortion at 8 months.

To answer your original questions...
1. Is it really possible that he really loved me all this time that he was having an affair and having sex with her and hiding it from me? (We promised to be monogamous) No.
2. Is it really possible that a man can lie so much to cover up the affair if he really loves me?He doesn't love you (see #1). So he lies to get what he wants.
3. How do I talk to him when we finally skype? What should be my terms and all? Short and sweet. Tell him it's over. There are no terms, besides "Don't call me". Then change your number, get a new e-mail and Skype address. And get counseling to heal yourself.

I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now, but it's time for you to start the healing process. That begins with getting rid of the infection.

C
 

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I'm sad to say that you've wasted 10 years of your life waiting for this guy. This guy who has been cheating on you, and how has at least one child.

Immigration can take a while, years even, but why the divorce taking so many years?

If he was married to get a green card he should have had that a long time ago and finished the divorce.

You've also found out that long term long distance relationships do not work. Adults need sex and companionship and they need it in their lives, not 1-2 months worth of it every 2 years. They need it as part of their daily life.

You made a bad decision to keep putting time and your life into this relationship. He chose to work in the US, you chose to be where you are, and that made the relationship impossible.

Even if you forgave his cheating and having a kid with her, you'd still be stuck is this relationship that is wasting your years and life.

Dump him and find someone you can be with everyday and can touch everyday. That's what a real relationship is like and you deserve that.
 

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Sorry friend. I wish I caould say a different but I'd do a complete disservice. And there's no a nice way to explain this sordidness.

The Unified Theory of Cake


He's a cake eater. And you are the cake on the side for this man. They never choose if they can, they will manipulate to the deep end. They only way to stop this horrible triangle is dumping him. He won't do. Ever.

Dump him, grieve the loss of this fake relationship, move on. Try next time some one you can check his commitment dayly. Long distance relationship helped him.

Be kind, take care of yourself.
 

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He's not divorced. He may be lying about even getting a divorced. After 10 years, I'd say it's a lie to keep you hanging around.

He's cheating on his wife with you. :( You are the other woman.
 

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There are no eligible bachelors where you live?

For 10 years, 2 weeks once every 1-2 years....
 
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