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Discussion Starter #1
Hello, Sorry this is going to be a little long

I have been married for almost 3 years, together we have one daughter. I don’t know what to do, I feel unloved, and I am so sick of my husband’s laziness. I cannot depend on my husband for anything, and I feel he does not have my back. I work full time, go to school full time, come home take care of my house, child and dog. My husband works and goes to school as well. The only time he kisses me is if he is leaving for work, or if I am going to bed. He used to be so affectionate but now he isn’t, because he feels being affectionate is for the honeymoon phase. He doesn’t wear his wedding ring on the weekends or to school, he doesn’t wear it to work because of his job. I understand that being in USAF, and working 12 hours is a lot but, he doesn’t even really help out with our daughter, when I was pregnant, he did not help me do anything, my parents had to come and help me. All he does he sleep, or play video games, I told him I think he is depressed and he told he isn’t the one who is depressed it is me. I know I am depressed because I am in a marriage that makes me feel alone, he nitpicks at everything I do or say, I put on 53 lbs when I got pregnant I lost all but 10 lbs of it, I just recently had to put down my dog of 13 almost 14 years, but I am trying to get out of this depression. He told me last year he would divorce me if I didn’t go to get help because of my “anger problem” I went and saw a councilor, and got told I am normal person. He keeps putting us in debt because he wants me to stay with him, but I am 21 and I am not going to live my life like this. He has ruined every holiday, including my college graduation, and my 21st birthday. On my birthday he came home from work and told me he forgot about my birthday, and he was so excited to come home and sleep. He did not get me a mother’s day or birthday present. His mother is visiting us, and she is disgusted with his behavior towards, me and my daughter. He tells me all the time he will get custody of my daughter because I am an unfit mother. I have my family and friends to back me up, that I am not an unfit mother in anyway, I am a wonderful mother. He is so lazy he won’t even put her in her jammies before bed, or give her a bath. When he is “watching” our daughter and I walk into the room, he makes comment like look the witch is here. He tells me that I am controlling and bossy, I am not controlling, he isn’t even responsible enough to pay a bill. When we are intimated, he doesn’t make me feel loved at all, so we don’t have sex often (the other reason is because it hurts me so I am going to PT, because it is a muscle issue). I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost
 

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Honey, you've said it yourself..... He isn't committed to this marriage and he's making you miserable.

In fact he seems to be the one with a lot of problems that he's unleashing on you. I've saw this in my ex wife as well as other troubled marriages, where you end up believing your crazy after you absorb so much of their low-self esteem problems (not that you have low self esteem but you take on his traits), and you end up going to treatment or taking the drugs they themselves need.

Your not the one with problems. From everything you've said I can clearly tell your in an abusive relationship and it's not healthy! I big red flag there is not only does he not even care enough to sort of phone in your birthday and half-ass it..... not to say that's the way to go, but he won;t wear his ring, and EVEN HIS MOTHER SAYS HE'S MISTREATING YOU.

Honey, it's time to divorce him.

I hate to say it, I never like to tell anyone here to D unless their marriage is insufferable, but you can't sit there and take this sort of passive-aggressive abuse or allow your daughter to go through this. He's mistreating you on purpose because he knows you will take his crap....... you deserve better.

If he is the way you say, based on everything as a whole. Divorce him and get away from that scary situation.

I mean I can sort of sympathize with him being tired and withdrawing into tv or xbox after a stressful day. I was married in the navy and stationed on a submarine base in Maine. My wife was miserable and our marriage suffered. Not every couple is going to make it....... but there's a line between being grouchy and being abusive...... I don't want to see you go through what's to come if you stay there.

For all we know it's likely he's pushing you away because he's having an affair or trying to get you to blow up and give him credible evidence to take custody of your daughter. Don't let him beat you down. She's your daughter and from everything you posted before he's projecting everything on you. He's a monster that's likely to lose custody over his daughter, possibly even spousal support depending on how he behaves in court. Not making any promises, but I've seen men lose in in court and lose everything.

Please do what you need to do for the sake of your mental health and the safety of your daughter.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Ya he is taking is problems out on me, he is a terrific guy friend wise, and he used to be so caring, just in this past year he has changed. He has gotten worse, when we found out his mom was cheating on his father, it changed him for the worse. Dealing with this and the change of my body since pregnancy, has killed my self esteem. I no I am not an ugly person, but I feel ugly.

I do agree with you it is time for me to leave, maybe it will be a wake up call.
 

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It is time to leave, before you lose all of you. He has the problem. Hopefully he grows up and helps himself, but don't count on it. Leave for yourself and child. Don't count on the wake up call. Good Luck. You can do it!
 

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If you're unsure about divorce, then file for separation and give him a set foundation of about 6 months to decide to work on the marriage or lose you forever. I say six months because usually this sort of shock takes a couple months to vent about, a couple months to freak out, and the last few months (6 to 8 on avg) to actually show real improvements. But you need to get out of that situation right away as in NOW!

You could have mentioned the family issues before, that would explain a lot. Perhaps he taking this out on you, I know I see a lot of fear in his actions that he's covering up....... I was the same, quite a d*uchebag after getting out and did thing I later regretted and made up for. Then lost my immature ex wife to a bigger d*uchebag:scratchhead: go figure. Anyways I can understand why, I just can't understand how he would think his actions are appropriate.

Maybe some time to cool off will bring him back to earth. Usually the fear of losing everything after the spouse has gone brings on sudden changes. I've seen drug addicts go to rehab the very weak they got kicked the eff out. Hell, a man will do back flips if he's truly sorry and serious about changing.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Ya You both are right, It is such a shame to see this going on, because I am the only person he truly has. I offered to go to MC, but I asked him if he knew how to go about getting a referral so we can go to MC, he told me no,so I said ask the guy at your work who is going the MC, but he obviously hasn't it done it yet. Oh well I guess
 

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That's because when guys hear MC they get defensive. We think there's either nothing wrong, or you're taking us to MC to humiliate us and have the shrink prove we've done something wrong. It's also the time frame when women ask. After yet another fight we think it can be worked through...... doesn't register with young guys that it's serious.

So the best thing to do is go yourself if he won't go. There are ways you can convince him, but in this case it's going to make things worse. I know from experience how those d!cks giving orders in the military will make your life miserable and blame you for having marital problems.

Seriously, I had 40 yo men yelling in my face how I was a bad husband and couldn't take care of my wife because I was working for them all the time and couldn't get any time off to deal with her issues. When you're working 15hrs a day and can't get time off to take her to the doctor..... I had to beg and and beg to go to one counseling session. And then my chiefs basically punished me for days over that. These are the very same supposed leaders who cheat up a storm when out in other countries, not all but the really narcissistic guys will.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Sorry it took so long to reply for some reason my password wasn't working

Ya they did blame me for our problems, they told me husband that I am a bad wife because I don't cook him 3 meals a day, that I rather work then be a stay at home mom and that I am the Alpha in the house.


I guess it doesn't help that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work, the sad part is I not upset that I am loosing the man that I "love" I am upset because I am loosing my best friend.
 

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Best friends help you when you need it.

Best friends share the ups and downs with you.

Best friends love one another and support one another.

Do you have that? Doesn't sound like it to me. You're way to young to have all this going on in your life without true support.

That's my .02.
 

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That's the thing...... no matter what you may read or hear from others. Your best friend will always be in him somewhere, maybe cowering in fear from the monster that's taken control, but there none the less. Unfortunately, you probably won't see that side of him until you're gone and he's gotten his sh!t together.

From what I know about this, A LOT, attraction has more to do with how friendly he will treat you. BUT dressing up and kissing his ass is not what you want to do to get some help around the house or a bowel of chicken noodle soup when you've got the flu. DON'T DO THS!

There's a saying for this that can be worked backwards. "Better to be kind than brutally honest" well, being brutally honest and hurting others when you're upset is not empowering.... it's destroying humanity. Being nice means taking your feelings into consideration and not trashing you for doing his laundry or taking care of your child". And Honey, he's not being nice..... not nice to himself, others at work, or you.

I can sort of sympathize with how he might yell at you after getting yelled at all day. I did that and discovered I was nasty without even realizing it when I came home. It was like I was having a ptsd moment yelling at that person and waking up staring at my wife. Yeah it caused problems in my work onboard and with my wife.... but then my chief took me aside and told me to stop that or lose her forever. You don't have the option of complaining to his job hoping he will change. Instead it will make things A LOT LOT worse.

I say, pack up and go live with your mom if you can. Let things settle down for a couple months and see if he will change. get out, or if he want's to divorce. There's nothing written in stone saying you can't reconcile later. BUT right now this marriage is poisonous to your health.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thank you all so much. You are all 100% right. I called my parents today, and as much as I would hate to move home. I am going to do it. I cannot live my life feeling empty, before I no it I will become hollow. I no I am clinging on because I don't want to loose another Best Friend, but he isn't my first Best friend and he won't be the last. He used to be my dream guy, but for 2 years he hasn't been and I cant stay around forever wishing he would go back to how he was, because he never will.

Also what makes this easier, everyday I have someone tell my how beautiful I am, but my husband never does.
 

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Well he's an idiot.

"You are beautiful"

You are a beautiful best friend,
and a beautiful mother
A beautiful wife,
and a beautiful lover
A beautiful heart ever enchanted,
Whom your husband,
has taken for granted.


by me just now, sitting outside of my apt where I can get free wifi:rofl:
 

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Sounds like he doesn't value what he's got. Give him a wake up call. Take your daughter and leave him for a few days to think about his behavior while you gather your strength; cooling off will help you see the issues a little better and make sense of what you want.

Tell him that you want marriage counseling or you want out. He needs to realize that this is not okay and that he can't treat you with such blatant disrespect. Be firm that there is a problem and it needs to be addressed.

I'm sorry he's treating you so badly. Don't allow it. The more you tolerate it, the more he takes it as permission.

Sounds like you have an ally in his mom. Hopefully there are others you can count on, too. Hang in there.
 

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You are very very young. I'm wondering if he is too?

Sounds like he's got maturity issues going on with the video gaming and ignoring your daughters well being. The name calling when you enter a room and nitpicking is a control issue.

It's a very subtle yet valid form of abuse IMO. Stand up. You deserve a happy life.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Well he's an idiot.

"You are beautiful"

You are a beautiful best friend,
and a beautiful mother
A beautiful wife,
and a beautiful lover
A beautiful heart ever enchanted,
Whom your husband,
has taken for granted.


by me just now, sitting outside of my apt where I can get free wifi:rofl:



haha thanks! I didn't even tell myself I am beautiful yet today! (saw it on some tv eposide I guess you are supposed to do with when you have self esteem lol)
 

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Discussion Starter #16
The thing is once I leave I don't want to go back. I am bettering myself, and once I leave I will be getting a better job hopefully in the police department. To keep myself busy I joined the cheer team at my college, and joined a fitness challenge through a local gym, and in January my daughter will start dance.


Right now his mother is staying with us for 8 weeks, so what I am going to start doing is moving my stuff out this weekend, I am just gonna move little by little.


Ya he is young as well, he is 23
 
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