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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi I'm new here. here's the thing. like my name says I heart my wife. she means the world to me. last friday I really messed up. we haven't been spending quality time together. it eventually got too much for me so I gave up my ring. I'm not gonna lie. everything was telling me not to do it but I needed her to understand how she was hurting me. now I no I shouldn't of tried to hurt her. as of now I'm over by my mom. I told her I was sorry but she doesn't wanna hear it. she now tells that she doesn't love me and that I shouldn't try and contact her or anything like that. the thing is I know my wife and I know when she's serious. she's hurt but she's not serious. I'm stuck by my moms house while I try and put my marriage together again. guys crying into a pillow at night cause u miss ur wife sucks balls. I feel like 5 again and someone stole my blankie. anyway I she has a friend that's going through a horrible divorsce and I think she's giving her horrible advice. we made an appointment to see a counselor but its not until the third of june. we were sopose to go out this saturday. she told me yes then a day lata no then when I sent her flowers she wanted to go. now she's back to not wanting to see me. I don't no. can someone help me. I'm at my wits end with this. all I want is my wife back. and sorry for rambling. I actually cut it short.
 

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How long have you two been married? What you did was quite hurtful and has her very confused. I think what I would do is ask her if she is still willing to see the marriage councelor together. If not and she is set in what she believes then I don't think you will change her and you don't have the right to try and change her. She has to have the change of heart herself. I can tell you if my hubby did that to me, it would totally destroy me, and I would not take him back. That one hurtful act of removing the wedding ring would be a marriage breaker for me, but that is just me. Also, what she tells her friend about getting a divorce should not be shot down. It is her opinion, if you feel that you have different advice tell your wife the different advice to add to what was already said. I often times give advice like here and then ask my hubby what he thinks and I can add what he thinks as a separate opinion.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I know what I did was wrong. we have been together for what will be 7 years in june. we even celebrate the day we started going out. june 7. we have been married for what will be 2 years in july. I no that I've met the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I'm willing to do anything, go the extra mile just to get her back. a fool I am I know. I've ran away from a lot of my problems in the past and this one I'm not going anywhere for. all I had wanted was a lil affection from my wife. that was it. something to show me she cared. I wasn't getting it. I could neva c myself with someone else. so divorse is not an option. I just need her to see that I can change and for her and myself I will change. is there a way to prove to her I can be a better man for her
 

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Only time will tell if you are a changed man. I would be at a therapist seeing how I could better myself. Saying that you've changed and actually changing are two different things. At this point, she is not talking to you, you have hurt her very deeply and I don't think it was just this one incidence, although that is my opinion. You have got to do alot of soul searching and maturing before you can even attempt to fix what is broken. You may have to realize that you may not get her back. Getting in her face might not be a great idea, giving her space and working on improving yourself might be the only way to have a chance with her. She has to see a change and things may not ever go back to the way they were. Good Luck!
 

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is there a way to prove to her I can be a better man for her
You have already acknowledged that when things haven't gone your way in the past, you run away, and by taking off your wedding ring you were doing just that. You seem to now realize that this behavior does not work in a marriage. While it's important to talk to her (calmly) when needs are not being met and figure out ways together to meet those needs, it's a 2 way street. You also have to be sure your wife is feeling loved, safe and cared for.

By bailing out when the going gets tough, you are removing the safety of your marriage. She cannot rely on you.

I hope she is still willing to go to counseling with you. This will be an opportunity for you to talk about where you went wrong and what you plan to do differently, but you need to be sincere and really plan to follow through. A quick fix to get her back might work but if you don't look within and make real change, it will get right back to this point very quickly.

Think long and hard about some concrete examples where you feel you failed her within your marriage and offer your plan for handling the same situation going forward.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
ive decided to leave her alone for now. there is nothing i can really say to change what was done. I am actually sending flowers to her for tomorow. they were preordered since monday. we were sopose to meet up to talk but she canceled. i just dont have the heart to cancel the flowers. plus they are her favorite color.
anyway ive decided to go back to church. try and do good for myself instead of just staying in the same old funk. i also am looking into an anger management class or coach. if anyone knows a good one thats in the nyc area let me know. im also looking to change my job. i think part of the stress is coming from that. as the ole saying goes "your bringing your job home". also i need some new friends. everyone is basically single and i just need to see how a happily married couple does it so i can apply it to my life. I never had that growing up.

i really miss her. i always tell her she is my cocaine. i cant get enough of her. and no i dont do drugs neither does she.

she will always be the keeper of my heart.
 

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anyway ive decided to go back to church. try and do good for myself instead of just staying in the same old funk. i also am looking into an anger management class or coach. if anyone knows a good one thats in the nyc area let me know. im also looking to change my job. i think part of the stress is coming from that. as the ole saying goes "your bringing your job home". also i need some new friends. everyone is basically single and i just need to see how a happily married couple does it so i can apply it to my life. I never had that growing up.
All great steps in focusing on being a better person. You could also inquire at the church. Some of them have good support groups within that might be helpful to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thank you swedish. if you guys wanna laugh. i just told my lil sis what i was gonna. shes behind me 110%. she says its a long time coming. i will keep you guys updated as to how things are going. hopefully she likes the flowers i sent. i dont need her to call to say thanks just appreciate them is all. anyway im looking up anger management classes as we speak. and of course im doing it on the bosses time. two things ive learned that work great (windows button and d) and making sure all my work is done in the first place. plus how to deactivate the computer so she cant log into my computer. kindof a sexy nerd.

anyway ill let you guys know when i get the anger managment class
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
as I told ya'll I'm going back to church. I decided to go to my moms church. I just found out that my wife and her mother is attending church. here's the thing. we are all are going together in the same car. my wife and my mom are best buddies. I no not alota people get along with their inlaws but we do. my mothering law is literally like my mom. my mom told my wife I was going to church and she wanted it to be ok with her. I was willing to hop on the train to make my wife more comfortable. I don't want to make her feel obligated to talk or be nice to me. I want her to b willing to do it. I think its good for us to go together. I just wish we could of done it while things were better
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
well guys here is the latest. we went to church together. had a great time. after we droped our parents off and went out. we went to c indiana jones. great movie by the way. she tells me she's willing to give it a try. she's not promising anything but willing to try. I say great. we had fun. we walked in the park shared ice cream and at the end she dropped me off gave me a hug. I asked for a kiss and got it.
now let's fast forward to today. we were sopose to hang out today. she worked last night so I let her sleep in. being the courtious husband. I understand she works hard so she needs her sleep. I was over by her moms house the whole day. I don't know if I told u guys but that's where we were living. saving to get a house. my nefew was down for the weekend so I wanted to hang with him. he's two. cuties thing u will eva c. well until my kids come around. anyway so I sat there all morning into the after noon waitin. finally she wakes up to tell me that she's hanging out with her friends. leaving me to look like a real idiot. so I left not wanting to create a scene. by the way she non chelant about it. so I called her up and very calmly told her that she was wrong for what she did. she says she was but she was still going ova there. so she then calls me back and tells me she can't make the counseling. and then she text me that we shouldn't see each other until then. well by that time I was already home pissed. I calmed down then went back ova. told her we needed to talk. she then decides to plunge the knife deeper in my heart by saying that I pushed the counseling on her and that she doesn't want to be with me. so I asked her about yesterday. the tryin and all that. she tells me that she didn't mean what she said and she sorry. she then goes in the bathroom to cry. what the hell. so I go put my shoes on and get ready to leave. her moms sitting there and I just let it all out. not one of my proudest moments. she tells me that even though she's her daughter that she's wrong. I should continue to fix me
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
so then her mother spits out the same thing that I've been saying. u married ur husband not your friends and that who eva is giving her advice doesn't have her best interest at heart.
guys when I tell you all I know my wife still loves me. I'm not lying. with everything all the bull I know it. its the way she looks at me. the way she talks. when today came and she talked about not wanting to be with me. its a completely different person. man wait until I find out whose behind this. don't worry I won't do nothing stupid.

all I need is for my wife to listen. my mom always says. '' u always hear me but u don't listen'' truer words were neva spoken
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
so then her mother spits out the same thing that I've been saying. u married ur husband not your friends and that who eva is giving her advice doesn't have her best interest at heart.
guys when I tell you all I know my wife still loves me. I'm not lying. with everything all the bull I know it. its the way she looks at me. the way she talks. when today came and she talked about not wanting to be with me. its a completely different person. man wait until I find out whose behind this. don't worry I won't do nothing stupid.

all I need is for my wife to listen. my mom always says. '' u always hear me but u don't listen'' truer words were neva spoken
 

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Hey, Heart, just curious. Your mom's house seems to be your sanctuary. Does Mom give you advice, unsolicited or not? I have a feeling that someone has talked to you and you are repeating it back. Does Mom like your wife? Does your wife like your mom? Does anyone save for your wife like your wife's mom?
See, your mom's is not where you should be going as an adult male. If you had two broken legs or something, that's when you are at your mom's, if you're not with your wife.
If you really are going to separate, rent a room, bunk up at a friends', but you shouldn't be at your mom's. Your mom needs to be out of the equation.
 

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May I suggest that you and your wife move back in together? Now, being apart is never good for a marriage. At all, ever. Never ever. Whoever your wifes friend is, is messing with her head.

She obviously wants to work things out, and that you are willing is a good thing. Whoever this third person is should butt out and leave her to make up her own mind. Thats MHO. However, this third person and you are in a heated battle. And I am willing to bet this third person is a male.

Hey good luck. Your in a battle of wits. May the best person win... at least... in retrospect, you have an advantage in that you know your wife well enough to not give up on your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
russel thanks for your input. I am really thinking about moving back. your rite you can't rekindle what you have if your separate. I'm going to pray on it. ill give her a week to herself and see where we stand.
as for it could be a male. I don't think so. if I find out it is. well I hope he's ready for it. family is very important to me. but like I said its her female friend.
we texted each other today. I gave her the times we could go see the counselor. she chose when. I decided to do it that way so she would have a choice whether to go or not. I also asked if she wants to meet me there or go together. we are going together. like I've been saying I no my wife. she just needs to say what she means and mean what she says.
for those going through similar circumstances. go to your god. I haven't been able to sleep at night without crying or go through the day without crying. I sat down and read my moms bible. I read until I couldn't read no more. when I was done I was so at peace I went straight to sleep. I have not cryed since.
last sunday my mom sat me down and let me down and let me listen to one of her pastors preaching from a cd. the thing that I took away from it was. everyone likes change but no one likes the process of change. last night I turned a corner in my life. I'm just taking it one day at a time.
will keep you guys updated. thanks for your input
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
thanks relationship guy. that is what im planning to do. what im getting is that we were both arguing the same points but not hearing each other. i really just wanna run back in the house and sleep in my own bet with my wife. i know right now we have alot to work out. i am however not going to stay away too long. there is no way for a marriage to work if we are not together. i am hoping that the counselor really sheds some light on the situation. im counting down the days until then. reading my bible and doing pushups. ive got alot of energy:Dand without the wife there to help release it im stuck working out...constantly.
i told her that im giving her her space for now. but we are not getting the d word. ive kept up my part by giving her her space. the only time i interact with her is when i text her and tell her be safe when she heads off to work. not that i feel obligated to do it. she has a very dangerous job. i worry alot. its alot less than when she first started. i just dont want to see her hurt. i just want her to know that im behind her and i want her safety.
is texting her not giving her space? i wish there was a book on what to do in the situation. i want to give her her space but i dont want her to think that i dont care.:scratchhead:
imput is valued thanks
 

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just my opinion but I think texting her to be safe, knowing she has a dangerous job, is a sweet gesture and I don't think it qualifies as invading the space she's requesting. I would think to text/call/email/in person and speak of your current relationship & of your current feelings or shower her with gifts/dote on her would probably invade her space right now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 · (Edited)
just my opinion but I think texting her to be safe, knowing she has a dangerous job, is a sweet gesture and I don't think it qualifies as invading the space she's requesting. I would think to text/call/email/in person and speak of your current relationship & of your current feelings or shower her with gifts/dote on her would probably invade her space right now.
thank you. i just needed another opinion.:smthumbup:
my mother in law just called me. just to see how i was holding up. it feels so good just to know that she cares about me. not to be too mushie or anything but i miss her and my lil bro inlaw and my nefew and even my sister in law( even though she is the only one in the family that i just cant get along with.) but its not me. shes just standoffish with everyone. i just dont take it personal. i just work around it. the whole inlaw thing doesnt matter to me because i look at them like sis, lil bro, my very funny and at times annoying lil nefew who i call lil man(im the only one in the house he listens to.) and of course my mother from another mother.:p
i miss them greatly. i especially miss sunday breakfast. im a vegitarian so my mother basically got everyone on the same diet.
someone stop me. i could go on for days about them.
i apologized to my mother in law for getting her involved in the whole thing. she said what all mothers would say. no need to apologize. my mother inlaw and my wife are not talking. mostly in part that my wife is stubborn. we both are. dont get me wrong i knew that from the get go. its just one of those things that attracted me to her. odd right. lol. my mother inlaw said she guess she came down a lil too hard on her so shes going to talk to her again.
7 more days until counseling.:smthumbup:cant wait.
the book of mattew
{19:4}And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made [them] at the beginning made them male and female,
{19:5} And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
{19:6} Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put
asunde
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
ok I'm in a bit of a dilema. like u guys have read. I decided to give her some space. I text her nitely just to say be safe. here's the problem. we have a bank account together. like all married people should. just checked the account and its missing $400. it was taken out last friday. I passed by her saturday and droped off 80. she said she didn't have any money. I get paid cash so we use some of my money and the rest goes in the bank. hers gets deposited straight to the bank. money in the bank isn't to be touched at all. and if it does the other person would have to know. that was the agreement. do I call her up and question her about it or just wait until counseling. I'm very confused on how to handle this. do I give space or question the whereabout of the phantom 400
 
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