[DoneIn]

I am a female age 59 partner age 58. We recently undertook a huge construction project and built his dream business building, and bought a 98 acre farm. Sold my house (it was mine alone) May 30. Found out June 10 partner had been using prostitutes for the past 2.5 years. Korean sex traded late teens/twenties prostitutes. We have been together 19 years and I had vaginal changes after menopause 5 yrs ago, and a prior breast cancer which prohibited hormone use to remedy, so could no longer have vaginal intercourse... but was willing and able at all other levels. So much I could include..that we were finally planning to get married in September, how I worked to build his business and create the building he wanted and support him while he was out fing hookers, how I tried to be the best partner I knew how, how he had slowly withdrawn from affection and sensuality over the years, how we now have huge entanglements that have to be figured out, how absolutely awful it feels to know he was able to come home and sleep with me for all that time after using prostitutes. It would be hard to express the level of anguish, gut wrenching pain and immense sadness, grief, depression this has caused. My sense of reality is distorted and there are two weeks when it happened I can no longer remember. I am amazed he could contribute to the depraved misuse of another human being. I have lost respect and trust for him (the two things I valued most), lost the future I thought we had, lost who I thought was my best friend, life partner, and lost sense of joy and belonging in the world.

At this level of damage is it just - done? Move on and get over it? Has anyone any stories from perhaps a year or two the other side of a situation like this? My counselor holds out no hope really and says I just need to heal and go on. He has vowed regardless of what I decide to do to never use prostitutes or cheat again. We are both seeing counselors. He tells me he has always had deep seated confidence issues he didn't want to share with me, anxiety/depression. Held up a mask. Said he felt he couldn't talk to me (I would have welcomed it) and somehow did this to satisfy his urge for vaginal intercourse without "hurting my feelings". My gut wrenches even reading that. How does anyone trust a cheating, betraying, low character/no morale compass person like he has shown himself to be?

 

[Mizzbak]

DoneIn, I am so very sorry for the pain and anguish that you are feeling. Being betrayed by my husband hurts more than anything I have ever experienced before, but I can only imagine what you must be feeling, given your circumstances.

I am not sure that I can offer advice that is entirely relevant, but I would share one thing with you. It is that you don't have to make any decisions now. When we first find out something so awful, the feeling of being without foundation or direction and adrift in pain is massive. We have this incredible need to make decisions and resolve things, as though by doing this, we can make the pain go away. I have not found this to be true. Your heart and mind are bruised and broken by what you have found out. You need to work through some of that pain to be able to see clearly through to the other side. Whatever that may be. I cannot imagine that anyone would dispute your right to walk away, if that is what you decide is the best thing for you. But you need to decide that from a basis of calm reason, not deep pain. Understanding what such a decision practically means is going to take time. You should give yourself as much as you need. Being able to see a situation more objectively gives a sense of peace in the decisions we make and in facing the consequences/outcomes of those decisions.

It concerns me that you feel any pressure from your counsellor in either direction. Ultimately, this decision is not his/hers to make. It is yours and yours alone. The human heart has a great capacity for forgiveness and reconciliation under the right circumstances. But you are completely right that binding ourselves to anyone requires trust and respect. Sometimes seeing someone clearly shows us that we never loved them and could never love them as we thought we did. And sometimes it shows us something different.

Just make very certain that you carry no guilt or shame for your partner's choices and behaviour. There is nothing that you are, or are not, that justifies his actions. Nothing that you could have done or been that would have made him more than what he is.

 

[pbj2016]

I am a female age 59 partner age 58. We recently undertook a huge construction project and built his dream business building, and bought a 98 acre farm. Sold my house (it was mine alone) May 30. Found out June 10 partner had been using prostitutes for the past 2.5 years. Korean sex traded late teens/twenties prostitutes. We have been together 19 years and I had vaginal changes after menopause 5 yrs ago, and a prior breast cancer which prohibited hormone use to remedy, so could no longer have vaginal intercourse... but was willing and able at all other levels. So much I could include..that we were finally planning to get married in September, how I worked to build his business and create the building he wanted and support him while he was out fing hookers, how I tried to be the best partner I knew how, how he had slowly withdrawn from affection and sensuality over the years, how we now have huge entanglements that have to be figured out, how absolutely awful it feels to know he was able to come home and sleep with me for all that time after using prostitutes. It would be hard to express the level of anguish, gut wrenching pain and immense sadness, grief, depression this has caused. My sense of reality is distorted and there are two weeks when it happened I can no longer remember. I am amazed he could contribute to the depraved misuse of another human being. I have lost respect and trust for him (the two things I valued most), lost the future I thought we had, lost who I thought was my best friend, life partner, and lost sense of joy and belonging in the world.



At this level of damage is it just - done? Move on and get over it? Has anyone any stories from perhaps a year or two the other side of a situation like this? My counselor holds out no hope really and says I just need to heal and go on. He has vowed regardless of what I decide to do to never use prostitutes or cheat again. We are both seeing counselors. He tells me he has always had deep seated confidence issues he didn't want to share with me, anxiety/depression. Held up a mask. Said he felt he couldn't talk to me (I would have welcomed it) and somehow did this to satisfy his urge for vaginal intercourse without "hurting my feelings". My gut wrenches even reading that. How does anyone trust a cheating, betraying, low character/no morale compass person like he has shown himself to be?

Find another counselor. Telling you to just heal and move on is easier said than done. Part of healing process includes grief and forgiveness. I am not meaning forgiving him but rather forgiving yourself that you allowed you to be duped by your husband.

You also must be allowed time to grieve for the death of the marriage you thought you had. Less than 2 months is not long enough for all her to take place. Grieving, forgiving yourself and then finding out if you can also forgive him will take much longer than 2 months. Forgiving him before you forgive yourself will result in you harboring resentment.

I would be highly concerned that neither of you talked about the lack of PIV sex long before this. You have been with him long enough that this conversation should have been an easy one to have although the subject matter is sensitive. My guess is that he wanted to pay for sex and he had the excuse in his back pocket ready for use if he got caught. Insist on full panel of STI testing. Regardless if you think you are lower risk you do not need to add to your health concerns.

If it was me I would file for divorce. You need to separate your finances now especially if you did not have a prenup. You do not have to go through with it if you decide that this man does have some redeeming qualities after all.

 

[Youngwife1000]

Sorry Donein, sorry you are here, I'm on a journey myself through infidelity, it's very soul destroying. I'd say change your counsellor, it's wrong to offer you no hope.
There is a support thread on here, where a few of us a working through reconciliation or in the process of it. Many a few years down the road from myself, I've found it extremely helpful and often through blurred teary eyes. It's called support thread of BS,s trying reconciliation, I think, I'll try and get the correct link.
I'm so sorry you are in this place.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[MJJEAN]

Hire a lawyer and unmingle your assets. You can't trust him and you need to protect yourself. Am I saying he'd steal from you or do something stupid you'd be legally liable for since you're assets are mingled? No. However, he's proven himself untrustworthy and he has engaged in very risky behavior, so better safe than sorry. Protect yourself first and then work to sort out the emotions and decide what you're going to do. Personally, I'd run like a zombie horde is hot on my heels.

 

[chillymorn69]

if you want to try to reconcile have a lawyer draw up a post nup in your favor so if things don't work out your protected.

 

[jorgegene]

what a bum.

i agree with everyone else. you have a kook for a counselor, if that's what he actually meant.

"My counselor holds out no hope really and says I just need to heal and go on"

unless what he meant was there is little hope for making your husband an uncheater and you need to heal and move on from there.
the problem is, someone who cheats with this magnitude will just say they'll change, but they have very serious issues that just saying it
won't cure. and, oh yah, just because he's seeing a counselor doesn't mean much. if he's clever, he can bamboozle them to justify himself.

 

[MJJEAN]

Guys, they're not married. They were planning to marry in September.

 

[aine]

If you are not married you need to get a lawyer to sort out your financial arrangements for the law in your country of residence, do not underestimate the issues.
YOu are hurting and raw right now, so do not make any sudden decisions, just go to counselling and fill your life with doing things for you only.
Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are, at least you will feel you are taking some sort of action.
For your own well being you will have to forgive him but that is for you, it is up to you to decide to stay or go. I would leave personally because using prostitutes opened him and you up to diseases.

Let your feelings settle first before you make decisions.

 

[jb02157]

You can't expect a guy to be satisfied with no sex, not to talk about it and therefore it not be a problem anymore. If it's not a problem and something he wanted to address with you continually, that should have been a red flag right away. That would suggest to me that he's dealing with this without you, either with other women, pornography or getting sex by other means.

As it stands without being able to trust him again there's no way you should marry him.

 

[Rowan]

You can't expect a guy to be satisfied with no sex, not to talk about it and therefore it not be a problem anymore. If it's not a problem and something he wanted to address with you continually, that should have been a red flag right away. That would suggest to me that he's dealing with this without you, either with other women, pornography or getting sex by other means.

As it stands without being able to trust him again there's no way you should marry him.

No sex? Either you and I have differing definitions of what "sex" means, or we read the OP very differently. I understood the OP to mean no PIV sex, but that they were sexually active in other ways.

It's possible to have a mutually fulfilling intimate relationship without PIV sex. But if that wasn't acceptable to the OP's partner, he should have said something and ended the relationship. Instead, he's been paying for sex with potentially underage, likely sex-trafficked, prostitutes - all while buying property, building a business and continuing wedding plans with the OP. Methinks that's less about any legitimate "need" for PIV sex that couldn't be met within the relationship, and more about his untrustworthiness, poor coping skills, inability to handle conflict, and lack of character.

 

[pbj2016]

Guys, they're not married. They were planning to marry in September.

I mis-read that. I did see 19 years together and September.

 

[jorgegene]

that probably makes them married by common law. i think it's a moot point, they're long term partners effectively married.
and doesn't in the slightest let him off the hook. neither in my opinion does that fact she medically can't have PIV.
if they are life partners in almost any sense of that word, then he's a bum.

 

[MattMatt]

Lawyer up. A business lawyer would also be helpful.

If you cannot trust him not to have sex with teen prostitutes you cannot trust him in business, in my opinion.

 

[MattMatt]

Also, he had you sell your property. He did this in bad faith, because he was having sex with teenage prostitutes for several years, a fact that he would be expected to know would have meant you would not have sold your house had you known about his disgraceful behaviour.

 

[jb02157]

Also, he had you sell your property. He did this in bad faith, because he was having sex with teenage prostitutes for several years, a fact that he would be expected to know would have meant you would not have sold your house had you known about his disgraceful behaviour.

He probably wanted to make sure he had her money tied up in the business before she found out what he was up to.

 

[MJJEAN]

that probably makes them married by common law. i think it's a moot point, they're long term partners effectively married.
and doesn't in the slightest let him off the hook. neither in my opinion does that fact she medically can't have PIV.
if they are life partners in almost any sense of that word, then he's a bum.

Not in the U S, but perhaps in other countries. If OP is in the U S it's highly unlikely they are Common Law married. Only about 9 states even still recognize Common Law marriages and out of those that do there are very specific criteria that must be met including sharing a last name, filing taxes as married, presenting themselves socially as married, etc. You can't get Common Law married here without doing it deliberately.

The concern here, of course, is legal. Depending on how they handled the asset mingling, OP might have fewer legal protections than if they were married.

 

[Hope1964]

My husband used a hooker once in 2010. We're together today and doing very well. He's an exception to the rules though, as far as being truly remorseful and bettering himself. I kicked him out on D day too, it's a long story, you can read it through the link in my sig if you like.

Anyway. I am a bit hazy on why you couldn't have PIV sex. Was it just a matter of lubrication? What kinds of discussions did the two of you have about it exactly when it happened?

You might want to get STD tested also.

As for whether it can work? 99.9999999999999999999999999999% of the time, no it can't. Unless he comes totally clean and takes a polygraph and proves a million times a day he's sorry, and even then I wouldn't trust him.

 

[DoneIn]

Bless you for caring enough to respond. I took your advice. Its months later. I still don't know which way to go but I am OK with that now. I don't have to know. I am learning a lot through joint and private counseling (a new counselor) and now I feel more pity for him but still a huge amount of hurt. Can't imagine a "real man" treating me that way, so now he is assigned to a lower place than that in my mind and heart. I feel like I am on a holding pattern and some day something good, clean and worthwhile will come along. I will RUN NOT WALK if I find it. Love to all of you who care and support one another. NOBODY can understand this sort of pain unless you walked the walk. Wish I had skipped it.

 

[DoneIn]

Thank you for the "zombie horde" line. Gave me a good laugh. Its clear I have every reason to leave. Right now, I am staying in though not living together. Going to counseling. Finding out what made this happen has been a real eye opener for me. Frankly, the vaginal sex part got fixed with a process called Mona Lisa Touch and it works!!! I was delighted to have the "old me" back. Part of my process has been reaching out to a different lover, and I am so glad I did! That was an amazing and uplifting/empowering experience. I would do it again if I could find someone I wouldn't hurt. Men, not unlike women, tend to get attached and my lover was not exception. My heart is not ready to re-bond anywhere, and I won't hurt another person if I can help it. But, someday....

Unfortunately, even if I do get back together with my completely contrite partner, the concept of my own fidelity is gone. I have always been considered an attractive woman and now I feel OK with using it elsewhere. If I have a need, or an interest, I no longer feel constrained in pursuing that. Guess I earned it. So, guys, reading this...I am one woman a guy would never want to loose on so many levels, and that includes my cheating SO. He desperately doesn't want to loose me. But, my grandmother said, "when you cut the apron strings both sides go free..." Not sure what another 5 or 6 months will bring, but my feeling of empowerment, choices and my own self worth are in a whole different place now. Guys - if you want your woman to love, respect and be faithful, its not a bad idea to offer the same. For me, I think I did that long enough. He no longer has the right to it and I have the right to whatever this world offers. Cheers!