This is probably the most important letter I have ever written as it about my life, where it is now and where it is going.
The problem is I feel so alone and miserable with no sense of escape or release possible. Externally all looks good: I am healthy, I have a good job, a nice family, a good home. All the trappings of a respectable middle class family.
The root of my unhappiness in my opinion has been an inability to emotionally and intimately connect with my wife. We have been married for 20 years, and have been together for 25 years.
At the beginning we were great friends, but the intimacy aspect of our relationship was at best patchy. I had previous girlfriends and the sparks of passion were hot, but with my wife no sparks existed, but friendship and companionship were very strong. Looking back my wife had no interest in intimacy and would never initiate. My advances were accepted in the beginning, but I always sensed a lack of interest or real engagement.
When we got married, I believed that within marriage the intimacy aspects of our relationship would blossom. On our wedding night nothing happened, as she was tired. This turned into years, where we had no sex, and the few attempts we had resulted in arguments and disappointment for both of us. I took to masturbation for regular release. Reflecting back on this period, I am very angry with myself for being passive and not taking action to address, I kind of accepted the lack of intimacy as “normal” and got on with life. These years are blur for me now, I see them as lost years.
After 6 years my wife’s sister got pregnant and this made my wife moody. I arranged sex therapy and I must say it worked, within 3 weeks my wife was pregnant. Unfortunately this was the end of our sex life. Over the next 5 years rare attempts were made where she would get angry because she was disappointed she didn’t climax, and felt I was not adequate or able to bring here to climax. As far as I am aware she has never had an orgasm in her life. During this period she found me masturbating a few times, and she saw this as perverted and weird. I explain that it was release, and ideally we should have intimacy.
We both were terrible communicators and never really discussed our concerns, neither one of use engaging properly when the issue was raised. We drifted apart emotionally, until we were both living half lives, where deep down we mistrusted each other. On the surface we were nice to each other like brother and sister.
We have not had sex in 10 years now. With lots of rows and fights along the way, usually based on my behaviour: from not cleaning up to working long hours. This tears me to pieces internally, but I can get lost in my own fantasy world, where I dream of wonderful relationships with woman that I know. I dream very romantic dreams of courtship and falling in love most weeks. I have never been unfaithful, but was really tempted on many occasions, but something always stopped me, possibly guilt.
Our child is now 15, and very mature. I am approaching 50 and no longer can tolerate this life. I want to experience a fulfilling relationship with a woman who truly loves me, and I her. This woman could be my wife, but major changes from both of us would be needed.
Last year I started daily reflection and keeping a journal of my thoughts. I realised that I want to fix the relationship with my wife, but when I raise our relationship I get nasty kicks like...”believe it when I see it”.or..”you are so full of ****”.....
Last September after many months of thinking how...I finally sit my wife down and say “Dear, I am not happy, I am living half a life, I need intimacy and love to survive. I love you, you are the love of my life and more than anything I want this marriage to be complete. But we both would need to be fully committed to each other and work hard to make it happen, I cannot live my life like this anymore and I want us to be closer than we have ever been and grow old in each other’s arms” ......she looked at me and the first words out of her mouth were...”I think we would be better people separated”. She also says that people our age rarely have sex, and that I am perverted because I masturbate and onlynthink about sex.
She definitely has serious intimacy issues, but so do I for tolerating this situation.
When I start discussing the steps necessary for a separation, she becomes upset, as she sees the personal challenges ahead for her. In many ways I have help create a nice bubble for her to live in. I am a good earner and she decided many years ago to give up her career. Her interests are gardening and cooking, both can be very solitary.
I blame myself for this situation, as I left a serious problem fester for 25 years. I now want to finally address this problem. Either by communicating with my wife and creating a better relationship for both of us or moving on and find love elsewhere. I am prepared to go the counselling. I have gone twice on my own, but could never persuade my wife to attend. Counsellors confirmed that I needed to communicate with my wife more effectively. My wife is very articulate and can run rings around me in conversations, often it feels like being in court being cross examined by her. She still refuses to go to couples counselling.
I discussed this problem with my sister, she has two insights, maybe my wife is a latent lesbian...(I have no evidence of this), and if she really loved me as a man and husband she would have worked hard to make the physical side work, if not for her sake..for mine.
My greatest fear is in 15 years time looking back at 2012, and see that I repeated my habits of inaction and complacency, and feel bitter and cheated by life
I would love opinion and insight, as I am desperately unhappy.
The problem is I feel so alone and miserable with no sense of escape or release possible. Externally all looks good: I am healthy, I have a good job, a nice family, a good home. All the trappings of a respectable middle class family.
The root of my unhappiness in my opinion has been an inability to emotionally and intimately connect with my wife. We have been married for 20 years, and have been together for 25 years.
At the beginning we were great friends, but the intimacy aspect of our relationship was at best patchy. I had previous girlfriends and the sparks of passion were hot, but with my wife no sparks existed, but friendship and companionship were very strong. Looking back my wife had no interest in intimacy and would never initiate. My advances were accepted in the beginning, but I always sensed a lack of interest or real engagement.
When we got married, I believed that within marriage the intimacy aspects of our relationship would blossom. On our wedding night nothing happened, as she was tired. This turned into years, where we had no sex, and the few attempts we had resulted in arguments and disappointment for both of us. I took to masturbation for regular release. Reflecting back on this period, I am very angry with myself for being passive and not taking action to address, I kind of accepted the lack of intimacy as “normal” and got on with life. These years are blur for me now, I see them as lost years.
After 6 years my wife’s sister got pregnant and this made my wife moody. I arranged sex therapy and I must say it worked, within 3 weeks my wife was pregnant. Unfortunately this was the end of our sex life. Over the next 5 years rare attempts were made where she would get angry because she was disappointed she didn’t climax, and felt I was not adequate or able to bring here to climax. As far as I am aware she has never had an orgasm in her life. During this period she found me masturbating a few times, and she saw this as perverted and weird. I explain that it was release, and ideally we should have intimacy.
We both were terrible communicators and never really discussed our concerns, neither one of use engaging properly when the issue was raised. We drifted apart emotionally, until we were both living half lives, where deep down we mistrusted each other. On the surface we were nice to each other like brother and sister.
We have not had sex in 10 years now. With lots of rows and fights along the way, usually based on my behaviour: from not cleaning up to working long hours. This tears me to pieces internally, but I can get lost in my own fantasy world, where I dream of wonderful relationships with woman that I know. I dream very romantic dreams of courtship and falling in love most weeks. I have never been unfaithful, but was really tempted on many occasions, but something always stopped me, possibly guilt.
Our child is now 15, and very mature. I am approaching 50 and no longer can tolerate this life. I want to experience a fulfilling relationship with a woman who truly loves me, and I her. This woman could be my wife, but major changes from both of us would be needed.
Last year I started daily reflection and keeping a journal of my thoughts. I realised that I want to fix the relationship with my wife, but when I raise our relationship I get nasty kicks like...”believe it when I see it”.or..”you are so full of ****”.....
Last September after many months of thinking how...I finally sit my wife down and say “Dear, I am not happy, I am living half a life, I need intimacy and love to survive. I love you, you are the love of my life and more than anything I want this marriage to be complete. But we both would need to be fully committed to each other and work hard to make it happen, I cannot live my life like this anymore and I want us to be closer than we have ever been and grow old in each other’s arms” ......she looked at me and the first words out of her mouth were...”I think we would be better people separated”. She also says that people our age rarely have sex, and that I am perverted because I masturbate and onlynthink about sex.
She definitely has serious intimacy issues, but so do I for tolerating this situation.
When I start discussing the steps necessary for a separation, she becomes upset, as she sees the personal challenges ahead for her. In many ways I have help create a nice bubble for her to live in. I am a good earner and she decided many years ago to give up her career. Her interests are gardening and cooking, both can be very solitary.
I blame myself for this situation, as I left a serious problem fester for 25 years. I now want to finally address this problem. Either by communicating with my wife and creating a better relationship for both of us or moving on and find love elsewhere. I am prepared to go the counselling. I have gone twice on my own, but could never persuade my wife to attend. Counsellors confirmed that I needed to communicate with my wife more effectively. My wife is very articulate and can run rings around me in conversations, often it feels like being in court being cross examined by her. She still refuses to go to couples counselling.
I discussed this problem with my sister, she has two insights, maybe my wife is a latent lesbian...(I have no evidence of this), and if she really loved me as a man and husband she would have worked hard to make the physical side work, if not for her sake..for mine.
My greatest fear is in 15 years time looking back at 2012, and see that I repeated my habits of inaction and complacency, and feel bitter and cheated by life
I would love opinion and insight, as I am desperately unhappy.
