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Should I have the marriage?

  • Do what ever it takes, 25 years is a long time to discard

    Votes: 11 22.0%
  • Seperate now before its too late, this is impossible to fix.

    Votes: 38 76.0%
  • live the status quo you have lived, and find external interests.

    Votes: 1 2.0%
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
This is probably the most important letter I have ever written as it about my life, where it is now and where it is going.

The problem is I feel so alone and miserable with no sense of escape or release possible. Externally all looks good: I am healthy, I have a good job, a nice family, a good home. All the trappings of a respectable middle class family.

The root of my unhappiness in my opinion has been an inability to emotionally and intimately connect with my wife. We have been married for 20 years, and have been together for 25 years.

At the beginning we were great friends, but the intimacy aspect of our relationship was at best patchy. I had previous girlfriends and the sparks of passion were hot, but with my wife no sparks existed, but friendship and companionship were very strong. Looking back my wife had no interest in intimacy and would never initiate. My advances were accepted in the beginning, but I always sensed a lack of interest or real engagement.

When we got married, I believed that within marriage the intimacy aspects of our relationship would blossom. On our wedding night nothing happened, as she was tired. This turned into years, where we had no sex, and the few attempts we had resulted in arguments and disappointment for both of us. I took to masturbation for regular release. Reflecting back on this period, I am very angry with myself for being passive and not taking action to address, I kind of accepted the lack of intimacy as “normal” and got on with life. These years are blur for me now, I see them as lost years.

After 6 years my wife’s sister got pregnant and this made my wife moody. I arranged sex therapy and I must say it worked, within 3 weeks my wife was pregnant. Unfortunately this was the end of our sex life. Over the next 5 years rare attempts were made where she would get angry because she was disappointed she didn’t climax, and felt I was not adequate or able to bring here to climax. As far as I am aware she has never had an orgasm in her life. During this period she found me masturbating a few times, and she saw this as perverted and weird. I explain that it was release, and ideally we should have intimacy.

We both were terrible communicators and never really discussed our concerns, neither one of use engaging properly when the issue was raised. We drifted apart emotionally, until we were both living half lives, where deep down we mistrusted each other. On the surface we were nice to each other like brother and sister.

We have not had sex in 10 years now. With lots of rows and fights along the way, usually based on my behaviour: from not cleaning up to working long hours. This tears me to pieces internally, but I can get lost in my own fantasy world, where I dream of wonderful relationships with woman that I know. I dream very romantic dreams of courtship and falling in love most weeks. I have never been unfaithful, but was really tempted on many occasions, but something always stopped me, possibly guilt.

Our child is now 15, and very mature. I am approaching 50 and no longer can tolerate this life. I want to experience a fulfilling relationship with a woman who truly loves me, and I her. This woman could be my wife, but major changes from both of us would be needed.

Last year I started daily reflection and keeping a journal of my thoughts. I realised that I want to fix the relationship with my wife, but when I raise our relationship I get nasty kicks like...”believe it when I see it”.or..”you are so full of ****”.....

Last September after many months of thinking how...I finally sit my wife down and say “Dear, I am not happy, I am living half a life, I need intimacy and love to survive. I love you, you are the love of my life and more than anything I want this marriage to be complete. But we both would need to be fully committed to each other and work hard to make it happen, I cannot live my life like this anymore and I want us to be closer than we have ever been and grow old in each other’s arms” ......she looked at me and the first words out of her mouth were...”I think we would be better people separated”. She also says that people our age rarely have sex, and that I am perverted because I masturbate and onlynthink about sex.

She definitely has serious intimacy issues, but so do I for tolerating this situation.

When I start discussing the steps necessary for a separation, she becomes upset, as she sees the personal challenges ahead for her. In many ways I have help create a nice bubble for her to live in. I am a good earner and she decided many years ago to give up her career. Her interests are gardening and cooking, both can be very solitary.

I blame myself for this situation, as I left a serious problem fester for 25 years. I now want to finally address this problem. Either by communicating with my wife and creating a better relationship for both of us or moving on and find love elsewhere. I am prepared to go the counselling. I have gone twice on my own, but could never persuade my wife to attend. Counsellors confirmed that I needed to communicate with my wife more effectively. My wife is very articulate and can run rings around me in conversations, often it feels like being in court being cross examined by her. She still refuses to go to couples counselling.

I discussed this problem with my sister, she has two insights, maybe my wife is a latent lesbian...(I have no evidence of this), and if she really loved me as a man and husband she would have worked hard to make the physical side work, if not for her sake..for mine.

My greatest fear is in 15 years time looking back at 2012, and see that I repeated my habits of inaction and complacency, and feel bitter and cheated by life


I would love opinion and insight, as I am desperately unhappy.
 

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You are trying and she is not. It will never work if it is one sided. I would try and convince her to go to talk to someone with you and if she declines then you need to be stern and tell her this won't be tolerated anymore and she needs to think long and hard before she declines. let her know that if actions are taken that you will have no choice but to file for divorce.

Maybe the threat of filing will knock her into gear or maybe not. You will never know unless you try. Good luck to you
 

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Also I voted to try and work it out on the guidelines i stated above. Obviously if she isn't interested in getting help you have no other option than to move on.
 
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My greatest fear is in 15 years time looking back at 2012, and see that I repeated my habits of inaction and complacency, and feel bitter and cheated by life


I would love opinion and insight, as I am desperately unhappy.
This says it all IMO. You need to make some really hard boundaries for yourself as in "By x amount of time I want to reach y and if not I'll do Z". Don't waste another nanosecond waiting for something that's never going to come. Get yourself together and formulate a concrete plan to either make things work or to end it once and for all and try it with someone new.
 

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I voted for option #2.
Separate now.

Your wife is attractive and can do whatever she wants with her life.
She does not desire intimacy, at least not with you.

You have already wasted 25 years.
You cannot throw away your life behind someone who does not hold the same values a you, nor give a [email protected] about your emotional health.

You deserve to feel and be loved.
 

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She sounds like she experienced some sort of sexual trauma growing up....abuse? Rape?
 

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V: hardest thing I am still learning, you can only control yourself! As things stand she sees you and all you do as not having any value, U are not worth effort on her part. No amount of wishing is going to make her change, only hope you have is to doing something major to wake her up, which is why I voted to separate now. Either she will come out of her fog or she won't. I was married 30 years, the last three years I experienced no intimacy, I was miserable. Then I got lucky, my wife had an affair and suddenly I was spurred to action. I lost weight, worked out like a monster, gave up tv and went back to church. Now 15 months later, I have a great,loving relationship with a lady who is interested in my feelings, needs and desires. The sex is AWESOME, but just as important the time we spend together is fun filled, exciting, and flys by. I would advise you to immediately start working on you. Not tomorrow, NOW! Be prepared for heart ache, 25years is a long time, but there are a lot of women looking for what you offer, a loving, caring relationship. Start now to ready yourself to meet them. Good luck to you. P.S. Your child knows more than you think, kids get it. My own daughter (age24). Said to me when seeing my despair. "dad, I love my mother, but she has never been happy, you tried but you couldn't make her happy, mom will never be happy, YOU CAN DO BETTER!". V, YOU CAN DO BETTER!
 

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Discussion Starter #10
V: hardest thing I am still learning, you can only control yourself! As things stand she sees you and all you do as not having any value, U are not worth effort on her part. No amount of wishing is going to make her change, only hope you have is to doing something major to wake her up, which is why I voted to separate now. Either she will come out of her fog or she won't. I was married 30 years, the last three years I experienced no intimacy, I was miserable. Then I got lucky, my wife had an affair and suddenly I was spurred to action. I lost weight, worked out like a monster, gave up tv and went back to church. Now 15 months later, I have a great,loving relationship with a lady who is interested in my feelings, needs and desires. The sex is AWESOME, but just as important the time we spend together is fun filled, exciting, and flys by. I would advise you to immediately start working on you. Not tomorrow, NOW! Be prepared for heart ache, 25years is a long time, but there are a lot of women looking for what you offer, a loving, caring relationship. Start now to ready yourself to meet them. Good luck to you. P.S. Your child knows more than you think, kids get it. My own daughter (age24). Said to me when seeing my despair. "dad, I love my mother, but she has never been happy, you tried but you couldn't make her happy, mom will never be happy, YOU CAN DO BETTER!". V, YOU CAN DO BETTER!
Thank you....I have worked hard on myself for the past 10 years. I was 220lbs, I am now 185ilbs. I am 5'11'' in height, and feel attractive.


The reason I am here at this time is my personal self value has reached a point where I must act.

Beacuse no affairs or other major issues exist, raising this topic at this time puts me on very solid ground because I am not defending my bad behaviour..

I know she is stunned, because she is seeing an approach from me she has never seen before...i.e. I am prepared to leave her.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I have considered this for many times.....but I have no evidense that she was abused in any way.

I know her father was very controlling of her mother, and she likes to have the upper hand...like sitting at the top of the table...silly stuff, but shee needs to feel in control
 

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I am in the same boat at you. Her reasons are, to put it bluntly, utterly irrelevant. If hasn't seen fit to change or so much as approach a way to discuss what the issue is, in a decade, and make no mistake, people who insist on being miserable that long like being miserable, she's likely not going to.

My blushing bride was always pretty stand-offish. Some would say a cold fish. Sex or any form of intimacy of any kind is not something she ever liked or wanted or enjoyed. Why is that? I honestly don't care. I don't care if she hates men or is gay or is damaged goods or it's a physical handicap or she was abducted by space aliens. Don't care. We're all adults, either she's going to move forward or she won't. And 'won't' has a harsh finality, no? 'I won't and you can't make me'.

I don't see that changing. I don't see threats of separation as any long run fix.
 

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V: hardest thing I am still learning, you can only control yourself! As things stand she sees you and all you do as not having any value, U are not worth effort on her part. No amount of wishing is going to make her change, only hope you have is to doing something major to wake her up, which is why I voted to separate now. Either she will come out of her fog or she won't. I was married 30 years, the last three years I experienced no intimacy, I was miserable. Then I got lucky, my wife had an affair and suddenly I was spurred to action. I lost weight, worked out like a monster, gave up tv and went back to church. Now 15 months later, I have a great,loving relationship with a lady who is interested in my feelings, needs and desires. The sex is AWESOME, but just as important the time we spend together is fun filled, exciting, and flys by. I would advise you to immediately start working on you. Not tomorrow, NOW! Be prepared for heart ache, 25years is a long time, but there are a lot of women looking for what you offer, a loving, caring relationship. Start now to ready yourself to meet them. Good luck to you. P.S. Your child knows more than you think, kids get it. My own daughter (age24). Said to me when seeing my despair. "dad, I love my mother, but she has never been happy, you tried but you couldn't make her happy, mom will never be happy, YOU CAN DO BETTER!". V, YOU CAN DO BETTER!
Hoosier: Awesome update! I followed your thread. Vitality, take Hoosier's words to heart.
 

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Vitality,

What are you most leaning toward right now?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I am very mixed currently...

The joy and freedom to explore a new relationship lights me up ...but the shared history( as painful as it is) with my wife , and loss of out interdependence and the possibility of a shared future, I find sad.....because no matter what I love my wife, it's just I feel I have no more to give ..

I believe she needs to show real fight to keep me ...or it's over . In the past few weeks when I started these discussion with her..I expected her to open up , but alas I get a list of things that I need to do to make her feel loved ...

So I don't know right now ...she has asked for a few weeks to figure it out herself ...as she is currently setback by my new approach
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Sounds like you are trying to get a love she isn't willing to give.

I doubt she'll change now. She has had how long to change? 25 years? And she still hasn't? She is just stringing you along until your drive completely dies and you decide "Well, my drive is dead. Might as well stick it out with this old miserable wife. Not like I would get anything out of being single again."

Sounds like you are deciding to be all nice and give her time to figure herself out, hoping maybe she'll come around.

Here is a hint:
She has herself figured out. She has for the past 25 years.
If she wanted you sexually, you wouldn't be here.

See where I am heading with this?
 

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At some point you have to just throw in the towel. 25 years is probably a bit past that point. I suppose there's always a chance that this will wake her up, but if that happens I'd have her on a pretty short leash.
 

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So I don't know right now ...she has asked for a few weeks to figure it out herself ...as she is currently setback by my new approach
She wont figure out anything until she is presented with the possibility of things changing. instead of "to figure it out herself" should be replaced with "until you give up and the status quo continues"

but alas I get a list of things that I need to do to make her feel loved ...
Give me a break! She is worried about what you have to do to make her feel loved? What about what she needs to do to make you feel loved? She is just gaming you.
Oh, and the "I love my wife" thing. Totally get that! Even after her infidelity, I still love my wife. She is the love of my life, started dating her at 17 and was 51 when she divorced me last year. However, she has so dishonered me and our marriage, forced me to be on my own (she filed for D one day after I discovered the affair, we were divorced in 82 days.) that I reluctantly struck out on my own. I did not work for 9 months, except for on myself. It has been hard, and some days still seems unbearable. But I have had more joy in the last 6 months than I had the last 10 years of my marriage. You just gotta get you some of that!
 
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