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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone. I was just recently engaged to my fiancé in Last December. We have been together for 5 years and have an 11 month old baby. Tonight he had a dinner and drinks with coworkers - I knew he would be home late but I didn't expect him to be home at midnight! Anyway all was fine - our baby was sound asleep .. If anything I was just really tired from taking care of the baby all day because he has a cold it makes things crazier. Anyway we get to talking and he tells me he was at a strip club, by himself! Naturally I'm not happy about this but then I ask him if he got a lap dance "yes". How much was it? " $800". Now I am really really fuming that he spent that much for a stripper!!! Was this more than a lap dance??? W live in nyc and everything is more expensive but $800 for a lap dance? Does a private lap dance even go for that much? When I asked him why he went he said it was to relax and that really pissed me off because when I think of relax its being at home in pjs with him watching a movie or something.. Not with my head stuffed in a mans crotch. I feel like crap rit now and have no idea how to deal wi this. I feel so betrayed ! He has cheated on me before (only kissing- but still cheating!) and that was a lot to get over !! Don't get me wrong he is a great man and we have an amazing relationship that is open and honest and loving but he just does these things and I don't know what to do with it! We have a good sex life - we have sex at least 2X per week which is good considering the fact that we have a baby. I thought after the cheating (because it was so traumatic for me) there would be no more issues involving openly lusting over other females. I can't even look at him because I feel so extremely disrespected and hurt that he did this knowing how much it would kill me! I love him so much but wonder if he loves me like he says he does how could he just choose to do something and hurt me so badly?? I feel like my spirit is broken now
 

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I am of the opinion that a man who cheats does not have the privilege of going to the strip club.
Also i am of the opinion that a man that cheats on his wife is not worthy of being deemed "a great man". A cheater may not be a horrible person, but you are not a great person.

Back on topic, I would be pissed off too. As a married man, I have zero interest in going to a strip club and I sure as hell wouldnt blow $800 to go home with blue balls. Sorry to say it, but you say you have a great man and an amazing relationship, I just dont see you having either.
 

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First, I'll say kudos to him for being honest and not lying. Second, I'll say... 800$?!?! Is he crazy?!?! If my hubby blew 800$ without talking to me on ANYTHING I'd be hurt, offended, pissed, etc. But on a STRIPPER?! Ahhh... He might be packing his stuff and finding his way to the door. I don't know what that kind of "entertainment" costs but I'd be hard pressed to believe $800 only gets you a lap dance...
 

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Good thing you found out before getting married to this cheater. "Relaxed"? Really? He means ..."Laid". $800 can only be for sex ...not a straight-up lap dance.

The baby complicates things, of course :(
 

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First, I'll say kudos to him for being honest and not lying. Second, I'll say... 800$?!?! Is he crazy?!?! If my hubby blew 800$ without talking to me on ANYTHING I'd be hurt, offended, pissed, etc. But on a STRIPPER?! Ahhh... He might be packing his stuff and finding his way to the door. I don't know what that kind of "entertainment" costs but I'd be hard pressed to believe $800 only gets you a lap dance...
Yet, there is still that possibility that he lied about where he went. Unless there are receipts showing he was there during that time frame, he really could have been anywhere. But I agree... $800 on a stripper... I'd kill my husband if he even WENT to a strip club, let alone forking over that much money for a lap dance. No way it was "just a lap dance".
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks guys.... I really appreciate the answers... I feel so alone right now... And since this is anonymous I can really confide in you guys. I think it could be 800 for a private dance ... Which still seems awfully expensive to me. He is always honest with me which I appreciate but this is just more than I can handle.... I never pictured my future like this... And it's depressing yet eye opening. I don't deserve this right?? Should I leave him?? The worst part is that I do t have a job and am still in Nursing school (graduation may 2013) so I can't move out or be on my own. He supports us. I feel like I got a glimpse of my future with him -- a series of happy times and **** ups... Not too bright. Every bone in my body tells me to get out now ASAP! I feel so sad so disappointed...... ::Sob::
 

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Thanks guys.... I really appreciate the answers... I feel so alone right now... And since this is anonymous I can really confide in you guys. I think it could be 800 for a private dance ... Which still seems awfully expensive to me. He is always honest with me which I appreciate but this is just more than I can handle.... I never pictured my future like this... And it's depressing yet eye opening. I don't deserve this right?? Should I leave him?? The worst part is that I do t have a job and am still in Nursing school (graduation may 2013) so I can't move out or be on my own. He supports us. I feel like I got a glimpse of my future with him -- a series of happy times and **** ups... Not too bright. Every bone in my body tells me to get out now ASAP! I feel so sad so disappointed...... ::Sob::
You answered your own question.
 

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What's that saying? That it's easier to ask for forgiveness later than ask for permission first. That does not make someone honorable, IMHO! He may have wonderful qualities but remaining faithful is not one of them. I'm sorry but he lied about what he was doing and he spent money that could have gone into your child's college fund --- or an awesome spa day for you! But no. He felt he was entitled to spend that money on himself. If he wanted to "relax" and escape reality there are much cheaper and respectful ways to do it. Hell, I'd even throw the idea of watching porn out there. Works for me! I don't need to spend $800 watching a man dressed in only a fabric filled g-string dancing in front of me.

If you have a wedding date set you need to cancel it.

I say you "fake it until you make it". Meaning, hang in there until you graduate. In your field you will be able to find a job pretty quickly. Use these next few months to pay off as much debt as possible. Prepare, at the very least, to escape. It is more difficult to make major life/relationship choices if you feel like you don't have any options. If you have the option to leave the choice will be easier to make.

Hugs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yes I thnk porn is wonderful!! Free to use AND you're not left with blue balls when it's over! Can anyone ask for more? You're right about the college fund / spa day. I have sacrificed so much of my own comfort for the family and haven't haven't taken a break since I was pregnant because school was non stop ! It would have been nice to have a pamper day and godamnit my bday was on the 7th, 5 days ago. Some bday present huh?? Anyone in the same situation? I know some ladies don't consider going to a strip club a big deal... And it MIGHT have been fine with me but he crossed the line with the $800 lap dance. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me....
 

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Put things in perspective. I havent been to a strip club in over 20 years but I cant imagine a lap dance being for than $20-$25. I hear radio ads all the time for $10 dances.

I cant imagine getting 40 lap dances in one night
 

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I'm sorry that you are going through this, but it's better to find out what kind of man he really is now. No way in hell would I put up with this. No way! That's a lot of money that could have been used for something for the family. Not only was this selfish, but it is also wrong on so many levels.

I swear by the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater".
 

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What you allow now in your relationship will become a running theme to deal with long term.

This can be for the good things and the bad. He's showing you what you have to look forward to, and your reaction to it will tell him it's okay or NOT okay. Ball is in your court now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you for the responses, i feel better!
He knew damn well I wouldn't be happy... so a man makes a conscious choice knowing it would crush his woman ... Makes him a careless selfish man because all he can think about is what he wants at that moment w/o thinking about who it affects.

Sorry I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here ... It all just happened last night so it's still fresh in my mind and the cut is still so deep and raw.

Nothing left to do now but to "fake it until I make it"
My father was murdered when I was 11 ... Our family was a broken home- single mother raising 4 kids. I always wished that my child would grow up with his father but life throws curveballs... And now my home is broken...
 

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I'd be furious, too, and I think you're smart to plan your exit now. Don't leave when it will cause you to have financial problems, but detach yourself emotionally and get some financial strategy so you can start on sound footing with your son.

See an attorney to find out what kind of legal steps you should be taking and what kind of child support, etc. you will be likely to get.
 

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Oh, as much as I hate to do it, I gotta. I am going to quote Dr. Phil.....

"A child would rather come from a broken home than live in one."

I am so very sorry that your father was not there for you. But you know, my father was around. Most of my childhood memories are of my dad pulling my mother by the hair. Or hitting her with his belt that he took off at the dinner table. Oh, and my favorite -- seeing him sneak back into the house at 3am from "walking the dog". Yeah, I look back and smile. So very glad they stayed together "for the sake of the kids"!

(Hope you detected my sarcasm)
 

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It is possible depending on the city in an "upscale" strip club to spend that much on private lap dances.Especially with more than one girl. Also there are different amounts of time you can get as well as its typical too to treat the girls with drinks or champagne.Private lap dances can include a 'private" room in many places so its also like "renting the room"..not just the girl/girls.Oh and if hes a drinker in those places their is a huge mark up on the alcohol..He also could have "hired" a girl who is a "special appearence" like a "famous" one who is a popular porn star etc.. (high demand) as well..Those girls "tour" like many famous entertainers.

I'm just saying its not "impossible' to spend that much for private "attention" in an upscale "gentleman's" club that doesn't include actual "sex" acts.

He also could be lying as Kathy said (minimizing big time) and he out right hired an escort for the night and did the whole GF experience with a "happy ending" ...those places have ways of covering up what services they offer though and just might have the "receipts" labled names that sound like a regular resturant even....
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It is possible depending on the city in an "upscale" strip club to spend that much on private lap dances.Especially with more than one girl. Also there are different amounts of time you can get as well as its typical too to treat the girls with drinks or champagne.Private lap dances can include a 'private" room in many places so its also like "renting the room"..not just the girl/girls.Oh and if hes a drinker in those places their is a huge mark up on the alcohol..He also could have "hired" a girl who is a "special appearence" like a "famous" one who is a popular porn star etc.. (high demand) as well..Those girls "tour" like many famous entertainers.

I'm just saying its not "impossible' to spend that much for private "attention" in an upscale "gentleman's" club that doesn't include actual "sex" acts.

He also could be lying as Kathy said (minimizing big time) and he out right hired an escort for the night and did the whole GF experience with a "happy ending" ...those places have ways of covering up what services they offer though and just might have the "receipts" labled names that sound like a regular resturant even....
You're right, in NYC one can easily spend that amounting an upscale club - which I believe it was.
I don't know the details but I sure as hell know that it was not a simple lap dance. I appreciate the info. Anyway I noted scents of perfume on his shirt last night ... That doesn't happen unless someone is right up on you for an extended amount of time. I feel sick to my stomach..
 
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