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Help appreciated: Wife not "in love" anymore round 2!
Thank you in advance for your help and insight. First some background info: my wife and I have been together for almost 7 yrs and married 3. When times are good my wife and I are extremely happy together. Trouble is I have gone through what we call "cycles" where I severely stop showing my wife I love her through romance (average about one/yr). I'll always be kind, tell her I love her, etc but the planning special things kinda of disappears. (I know, big problem). I was laid off right before we got married and fell into a depression but never got help until 5 months later. During this time things got rough but I was ignorant to it. My wife ended up having an affair that summer, I caught her, freaked out because she had denied it and moved out. I sought help for my depression and my marriage. Learned about the fixing myself (started working out, hung out with friends, etc) and ignored my wife. Well 2 months later my wife came back, extremely apologetic and really just threw the whole thing about me being disengaged as to why she went elsewhere for the attention.
Things got better after that (i abruptly stopped seeing my counsler too) and only here or there did I have issues with my "cycles." Last year I had to work overnights for my job (FYI...I got the job after learning about the affair) and it put a strain on the marriage. My wife was longing for "us" time which I tried to give to her but I could have been more involved. Nonetheless we weathed that assignment but coming back to days at the beginning of the summer I never showed her romance, etc (in other words I suck again).
Sept 4th my wife texts me that "I'm sorry for being withdrawn. I am trying to figure out how to save this marriage and nothing comes to mind. It hurts me to say that. For months we've been drifting apart. No there is not someone else. Maybe I've fallen out of love with you. I don't know." So I said thank you for being honest and we talked a little. We decided to take a mini trip to Vermont and go camping. We had a great time and we talked. When we came home she was even saying I love you again.
So to speed this up (I'm sorry for writing so much), my wife is in an EA for sure with a guy from work. From what I've gathered it started about 2-3 weeks after our trip. I'll be honest I have real issues with being a romantic (it's an excuse but I work 50-60 hrs a week) but this time I was actually doing things but it was too late because she wasn't appreciating it due to the new guy having her interest. The rest is textbook: started to ignore me, bought new clothes, started hanging out with him without telling me, no more I love yous, etc.
It comes to a head and brings me to today when on last Sunday she asks to go shopping to pick up some things before we go up north for the week on vacation. Well she doesn't come home until 11pm and tells me she went to this guys house ! I lost it, told her she couldn't have both, me and him. That if she wasn't sleeping with him she sure as heck was having an EA. I slept on the couch that night after leaving the bedroom. Monday morning my wife wakes me up like nothing happened all lovingly. She tells me to come on and get ready. I was still heated and told her we needed to talk or else I wasn't going. Well after some verbal exchanges amounting to really nothing I decided I wasn't going. As my wife gets ready to go she stops and tells me " I'm not a bad person, I'm not sleeping with him. You always do this...you wait and wait to show me what I tell you I need. I'll always love you. You stay home and figure yourself out. Maybe you should go back to your counselor."
All week I've been a mess. But I cleaned the house like a champ, planned out a workout schedule and made an appointment to see my counselor (I don't really know why I get so zoned out...hopefully I can figure that out because its not intentional). Problem is all week my wife has been camping and texting this guy non stop. She is coming home tomorrow and wants to talk...
How to proceed so that I don't let this EA continue but also give myself another chance to be a better husband....
Thank you in advance for your help and insight. First some background info: my wife and I have been together for almost 7 yrs and married 3. When times are good my wife and I are extremely happy together. Trouble is I have gone through what we call "cycles" where I severely stop showing my wife I love her through romance (average about one/yr). I'll always be kind, tell her I love her, etc but the planning special things kinda of disappears. (I know, big problem). I was laid off right before we got married and fell into a depression but never got help until 5 months later. During this time things got rough but I was ignorant to it. My wife ended up having an affair that summer, I caught her, freaked out because she had denied it and moved out. I sought help for my depression and my marriage. Learned about the fixing myself (started working out, hung out with friends, etc) and ignored my wife. Well 2 months later my wife came back, extremely apologetic and really just threw the whole thing about me being disengaged as to why she went elsewhere for the attention.
Things got better after that (i abruptly stopped seeing my counsler too) and only here or there did I have issues with my "cycles." Last year I had to work overnights for my job (FYI...I got the job after learning about the affair) and it put a strain on the marriage. My wife was longing for "us" time which I tried to give to her but I could have been more involved. Nonetheless we weathed that assignment but coming back to days at the beginning of the summer I never showed her romance, etc (in other words I suck again).
Sept 4th my wife texts me that "I'm sorry for being withdrawn. I am trying to figure out how to save this marriage and nothing comes to mind. It hurts me to say that. For months we've been drifting apart. No there is not someone else. Maybe I've fallen out of love with you. I don't know." So I said thank you for being honest and we talked a little. We decided to take a mini trip to Vermont and go camping. We had a great time and we talked. When we came home she was even saying I love you again.
So to speed this up (I'm sorry for writing so much), my wife is in an EA for sure with a guy from work. From what I've gathered it started about 2-3 weeks after our trip. I'll be honest I have real issues with being a romantic (it's an excuse but I work 50-60 hrs a week) but this time I was actually doing things but it was too late because she wasn't appreciating it due to the new guy having her interest. The rest is textbook: started to ignore me, bought new clothes, started hanging out with him without telling me, no more I love yous, etc.
It comes to a head and brings me to today when on last Sunday she asks to go shopping to pick up some things before we go up north for the week on vacation. Well she doesn't come home until 11pm and tells me she went to this guys house ! I lost it, told her she couldn't have both, me and him. That if she wasn't sleeping with him she sure as heck was having an EA. I slept on the couch that night after leaving the bedroom. Monday morning my wife wakes me up like nothing happened all lovingly. She tells me to come on and get ready. I was still heated and told her we needed to talk or else I wasn't going. Well after some verbal exchanges amounting to really nothing I decided I wasn't going. As my wife gets ready to go she stops and tells me " I'm not a bad person, I'm not sleeping with him. You always do this...you wait and wait to show me what I tell you I need. I'll always love you. You stay home and figure yourself out. Maybe you should go back to your counselor."
All week I've been a mess. But I cleaned the house like a champ, planned out a workout schedule and made an appointment to see my counselor (I don't really know why I get so zoned out...hopefully I can figure that out because its not intentional). Problem is all week my wife has been camping and texting this guy non stop. She is coming home tomorrow and wants to talk...
How to proceed so that I don't let this EA continue but also give myself another chance to be a better husband....