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Hey there

I came across this forum a little while ago and after a lot of lurking I decided posting can't really harm the situation.:eek: I have been married for nearly 10 years with a 6 year old son and an 8 year old daughter.

Once again my marriage is in tatters. Bizarrely I had an affair which ended two years ago. It started after the humiliation of ongoing chatting, sexting and so on just got too much. We had some severe issues in 2005/2006. I was pregnant with my son at the time and there was a "friend" who seemed to swoop into our lives. Along with this was another involving sexting and I think he sent her flowers etc. He treated me shockingly! I was all set to leave and he seemed to come to his senses. We went to MC and then we had some very happy years.

Fast Foward to 2009 again sexting and before I could deal with it I find out he is "friendly" with a relatives wife that I don't get on with and that he had been to her house. I find out because her husband comes to my house with a knife!! I did the noble thing and convinced the husband that I knew all about it and that they are just friends and he was only supporting her through their issues. The next week I ended up just chatting to a friends brother on Facebook and away it went. Before I know it its a full blown affair and I said that I wanted a divorce. he asked me not too and I agreed but did not stop the affair. Eventually my husband got suspicious and I confessed part of it. Finally I confessed all of it about 6 weeks later. It was a very very difficult time and i didn't think we could make it but my husband seemed to be a changed man. He seemed to accept what I had done and what he had done and made great efforts. Then off we go again two years later with chatting and lying and deceipt. We kept arguing constantly and I said I think its time we reconsider this relationship. I then felt we could still fix it if we both tried.

Now he seems to have done a 180! He started an argument which really escalated and now he says he feels we should divorce. He is treating me exactly as he did in 2005/2006. He says that he can't forgive me for my affair and that is all he thinks about. While I do think that divorce maybe the right thing I don't think a single escalated argument should be the reason. I accept that the arguing may have caused him to also reconsider the relationship but I don't understand the sexual issues cropping up now ie saying that he thinks about my affair when everything has been normal in that department for two years.

I know its a long and complex story. How do I get him to see the damage his actions have caused? How do I get those thoughts out of his head? How do I save this?

I have in the last few weeks been as understanding as possible even though he is being incredibly distant. He doesn't want me to even hug him. I am actively not arguing. I don't want this to happen... Not like this.

Thanks in advance...
 

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wow, way too much infidelity on both sides for this marriage to continue, imo

while you had one revenge affair your husband seems to be a serial cheater and will not change

time to file, sorry
 

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Sounds like you all have done some MAJOR rug sweeping. Never really addressing all these affairs. WOW, what a mess. I don't even really know what to say except I would recommend some serious counseling for both of you. You both need MC(marriage counseling) and IC(individual counseling). You have what I would call a train wreck of a marriage to deal with.

Could it be saved, sure, is it likely, wow, I don't know.

I came from a train wreck of a marriage and I am 4 months into R so it's possible, But we are not dealing with multiple affairs by both partners.

Hopefully others will post more helpful info.

good luck...and sorry you are in this mess.
 

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I would love to give you hope that your marriage could be saved, but I highly doubt it. He has had multi affairs and it sounds like you have had at least one. The sad truth is that men rarely can get past the wife having an affair. It does not sound as though either of you are very happy in your marriage anyways. The only thing I could recommend is MC and IC for you both. Maybe even a seperation without involving other people.
 

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I am sorry you are in so much pain. Your husband's current asctions suggest he is in the middle of another affair. I don't know if your relationship is salvagable. .. so much infidelity and disrespect. I think the 180 might be a good first step and find out who he is fooling around with now.
 

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I can't imagine how such a marriage that has been so severely raped of love and respect can survive though I am sure stranger things have happened.

You seem more concerned about the recent turn of events rather than the worry of getting a divorce and I get that. After reading your post twice, I get the impression that the recent turn of events is yet another affair of his. This one may be one he wants to nourish and needs to dump you to accomplish it.

My heart bleeds for your babies. I hope you two can be better parents than you were spouses.
 

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Hello. Thanks for the replies so far. I have had 1 actual full on affair that was as bad as you can imagine... in fact it was probably worse. I was angry and humiliated and behaved appallingly.

My husband seems to be blind to the damage that chatting and so on does. I understand that I hurt him terribly. Perhaps I wanted revenge and perhaps I wanted to fell better about myself. Either way I got way more than I bargained for.

The thing is when all is said and done and I was ready to walk away he really fought hard for me. The most recent saga involves chatting to a few people 2 of which have been a thorn in my side before. This made the situation worse. So then I was speaking ( not chatting ) to his friends husband (just a friend who he speaks to a lot). It turned out that the guy was not happy with his wife speaking to my husband. I told him I didn't have a particular issue. My husband then decided he didn't want me to speak to the friends husband and I felt that this was because the friend kept lying to her husband. I felt this was completely inappropriate as its affecting another relationship. So basically that escalated and escalated until we had a massive fight. I said he was acting odd. He said he told me not to speak to this guy and I would not. I said if you wanted me to stop for us I would gladly do it but you want me to stop so that the lies and deception could go on unchecked. This resulted in him laughing at me and me getting really mad. Then he said he was not interested anymore. And then it seemed to be his opinion that we should divorce.

I had a moment of clarity where I felt that maybe we should divorce - however I was not going to take that decision and throw away ten years and upset my beloved children based on an escalated argument. I feel that old wounds were opened for both of us and that we already climbed out of the crap of the past and this was not a reason to get divorced. He now is acting like the affair I had is new. He is reacting like he just found out. He says that when we are intimate now that's all he can imagine. My heart goes out to him because the perceived injustices combined with the real ones are creating an even bigger mess in his head. I really am trying. I am not arguing no matter what he says. I respond and then even if I want to explode - I don't.

So what now? Can I help him clear his head first? If so how? How do I make him see that even if divorce has to happen it should not happen under these circumstances.

Lots of questions...
 

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No, it isn't. You knew every step you were going to take and took it on purpose. take responsibility for your actions. How long did your affair go ?
I totally and completely accept that it was my fault. Circumstances do not mean I am in anyway excused. I was having a relationship although it was non sexual. I kept it that way and on one occasion the relationship became sexual without my consent. I don't want to call it rape because I nurtured the affair and I invited him to my home and then after that occasion I willingly continued a sexual relationship. Madness I know. Do you mean from the moment we first chatted to NC or how long was it a relationship?
 

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I can't imagine how such a marriage that has been so severely raped of love and respect can survive though I am sure stranger things have happened.

You seem more concerned about the recent turn of events rather than the worry of getting a divorce and I get that. After reading your post twice, I get the impression that the recent turn of events is yet another affair of his. This one may be one he wants to nourish and needs to dump you to accomplish it.

My heart bleeds for your babies. I hope you two can be better parents than you were spouses.
I hope my longer second portion answers some of your comments. I cannot fathom how the turn of events created the need for a divorce!

My heart bleeds for them! They will never understand this - I don't so how can I convince them?
 

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I totally and completely accept that it was my fault. Circumstances do not mean I am in anyway excused. I was having a relationship although it was non sexual. I kept it that way and on one occasion the relationship became sexual without my consent. I don't want to call it rape because I nurtured the affair and I invited him to my home and then after that occasion I willingly continued a sexual relationship. Madness I know. Do you mean from the moment we first chatted to NC or how long was it a relationship?


You did it at your home and I think continued it in your home and marital bed, This is a huge betrayal a man can get past, he may not have forgiven you and couldn't do that in years. He may have wanted to leave you at that time but may be scared of losing his family and being alone held him back. As both of you rug swept it neatly both couldn't face it head on and deal it properly with professional help. Now he may be having an A, If so its an exit A which he may have been waiting for, gathering his courage to leave you.

This is very common thing happening when A is rug swept without dealing properly. It creates and accumulate resentment in BS which will explode one day. The same happened here. He couldn't forgive or forget what you did. He may have been living with it for a long, mind movies and pain of your betrayal.

Both of you screwed your marriage royally. It will be better for both of you to get a D.

I dont feel anything for you or your husband but for the innocent children about whom you forget. when you were banging someone at your home you were breaking their home, their happiness and their right to have a happy home.
 

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I see what you are saying and, yes, there are lots of questions.

I think it is good you still carry the weight of your affair and that you know in your heart that it was wrong. I do not think it ever hurts to own up to our wrongs and to express regret over them.

I think one of the worst things we can do is to discount our wrongs because of their wrongs. No one gets anywhere doing that and we can never blame our poor actions on someone else's poor actions. I would help him clear his head about your actions as much as you can.

It seems, somewhat like me, your relationship is mucked up with wrongs on both sides. Divorce or no divorce, you two need to salvage a relationship that is positive because you two are never going to get rid of the other...you have children. One of you has to disengage, take a higher road, have a broader vision.

Be sincere. A good listener. Be honest and compassionate. Try to move forward in whatever direction is best. I can't see any other options.
 

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You did it at your home and I think continued it in your home and marital bed, This is a huge betrayal a man can get past, he may not have forgiven you and couldn't do that in years. He may have wanted to leave you at that time but may be scared of losing his family and being alone held him back. As both of you rug swept it neatly both couldn't face it head on and deal it properly with professional help. Now he may be having an A, If so its an exit A which he may have been waiting for, gathering his courage to leave you.

This is very common thing happening when A is rug swept without dealing properly. It creates and accumulate resentment in BS which will explode one day. The same happened here. He couldn't forgive or forget what you did. He may have been living with it for a long, mind movies and pain of your betrayal.

Both of you screwed your marriage royally. It will be better for both of you to get a D.

I dont feel anything for you or your husband but for the innocent children about whom you forget. when you were banging someone at your home you were breaking their home, their happiness and their right to have a happy home.
Perhaps that is the case but do not for one second doubt my love for my children. Had it not been for me having an affair I would have left as the humiliation for me had reached braking point. That said I still should not have done it!
 

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I hope my longer second portion answers some of your comments. I cannot fathom how the turn of events created the need for a divorce!

My heart bleeds for them! They will never understand this - I don't so how can I convince them?
I wish I could take you out for a Starbucks (pumpkin spice is back)!

The answers are within him. You two need to talk with love and compassion in your hearts. Maybe get a babysitter for a few hours so you can have some time to yourselves to get an understanding of what is going on with him.

I know I don't have to remind you how hard it can be for men to share their feelings especially in such a complex situation. Patience I think will be key and be careful not to unintentionally shut him down.
 

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I see what you are saying and, yes, there are lots of questions.

I think it is good you still carry the weight of your affair and that you know in your heart that it was wrong. I do not think it ever hurts to own up to our wrongs and to express regret over them.

I think one of the worst things we can do is to discount our wrongs because of their wrongs. No one gets anywhere doing that and we can never blame our poor actions on someone else's poor actions. I would help him clear his head about your actions as much as you can.

It seems, somewhat like me, your relationship is mucked up with wrongs on both sides. Divorce or no divorce, you two need to salvage a relationship that is positive because you two are never going to get rid of the other...you have children. One of you has to disengage, take a higher road, have a broader vision.

Be sincere. A good listener. Be honest and compassionate. Try to move forward in whatever direction is best. I can't see any other options.
Thank you Falene. That is good advice. Any ideas on how I can help him clear his head? The one thing I don't agree with is that until he actually leaves, I am not prepared to give up. I will try to do whatever I can. Be with him, support him and try not to react to anything he says that upsets me. I feel that once I can break through and get him to see everything in perspective we have a chance.

I have made so many mistakes! Not only in the affair but things I have said in anger and frustration as well. Last week in a moment I suddenly remembered all the good in him and all that I loved and cared for and the father that my children adore... and I am not prepared to just pack it in based on that fight. If there is more to know then I want to know it and then see how to move forward.

If its his hurt and anger reopened then I want to help him deal with it and again move forward.
 

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no offense Falene but when WS's are knee deep in such behaviors like EA's, the dopamine runs high and they become addicted to their AP and the affair. As a result he will gaslight, lie, blameshift and do what ever it takes to keep his affair going.
 

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no offense Falene but when WS's are knee deep in such behaviors like EA's, the dopamine runs high and they become addicted to their AP and the affair. As a result he will gaslight, lie, blameshift and do what ever it takes to keep his affair going.
No offense taken! I can't tell you how much I value your perspectives/opinions. You are one of the wise ones! lol

As I mentioned, I think he could be having another affair (EA maybe?) and using Heaven's affair to justify what he is doing. You think the same?
 

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Hello. Thanks for the replies so far. I have had 1 actual full on affair that was as bad as you can imagine... in fact it was probably worse. I was angry and humiliated and behaved appallingly.
A revenge affair is a totally normal response to being cheated on with such humilating behaviors.

Still, it often sadly leads to another revenge affair by the now cheating but also betrayed marriage partner.

I am sorry you are here.
 

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No offense taken! I can't tell you how much I value your perspectives/opinions. You are one of the wise ones! lol

As I mentioned, I think he could be having another affair (EA maybe?) and using Heaven's affair to justify what he is doing. You think the same?
Both of your comments have given me some additional thoughts. Perhaps the EA's and this friendship are part of an addiction and when confronted he is lashing out and the wounds have been reopened. That said I am sure all his avid fans have helped him see just what an awful person I am which I think explains the sudden recurrence of being the victim. The question I now face is how do I help him and myself?
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Both of your comments have given me some additional thoughts. Perhaps the EA's and this friendship are part of an addiction and when confronted he is lashing out and the wounds have been reopened. That said I am sure all his avid fans have helped him see just what an awful person I am which I think explains the sudden recurrence of being the victim. The question I now face is how do I help him and myself?
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One woman here found a sex addictions counselor and that seemed to help her.

I think that may be a good choice for you too.

Affairs are an addiction, and most sex addiction counselors know that. Hence even though your spouse may not be truly sex addicted, a sex addiction counselor has likely dealt with many affair situations.

Good luck and hugs
 
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