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Discussion Starter #1
Hi. I hope somebody can help, especially if you have been in the same situation.

I have always been a tease, but wanted to wait for marriage so that my first time would be special...it was actually quite horrible. Due to a an auto immune disease I had excruciating pain during intercourse. I'm diagnosed and better now, but 18 months after our wedding day, we have not been able to have enjoyable sex. I tense up so badly that he can't get in.
What can I/we do? Just want to have fun and loving sex...
Also, no sex means no baby.

Please help!
 

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Dear Fern,

I would suggest lots of foreplay, outside the bedroom, this will make you at ease.
Foreplay inside the bedroom is also important, try lubrication and just relax.
Maybe start of with oral sex and mutual masturbation and try and relax. You may have vaginismus, try typing this into goggle, it may give you some ideas.
I hope the advice of a 60 plus man helps and you achieve a satisfying sex life. Always remember to laugh and smile, it is not a problem unless you make it/see it as a problem.

Take care

Jacko Jack
 
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There are only 1 sex therapist in a 200km radius, they are however quite expensive and I recently got retrenched...been a difficult few months... My ginocologyst prescribed a numbing gel, which I have not found useful. We bought a vibrator recently so that he can put it in very slowly and with a lot of lubricant. It worked, but was very uncomfortable and sore. How long will it take to feel normal?
Will try oral
 

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Usually (in the absence of medical issues) the vagina will expand and enlarge, as well as lubricate, in order to accommodate the penis - when aroused.

Arousal is very important in this process, and is likely being inhibited by your prior negative experiences.

As has been suggested, lots of foreplay, and if you have an understanding husband who loves you, for a while at least, take away the expectation of penetrative sex, so you can get used to being aroused without the worry. (There are LOTS of other things you can do to keep you both satisfied....)

Also, whilst aroused, explore yourself, so you can feel what's what (i.e. size, changes, lubrication, what feels good, etc.) - this should help you to be confident that actually you can accommodate your husband when aroused and it won't hurt.

Eventually, you should be able to slowly re-introduce penetration, without the fear, and should experience it pleasurably - at which point it just takes practice ...

Good luck with it.

(We experienced a much more mild situation, as my wife was a virgin on our wedding night, and it was painful at first - happily, it didn't last too long - and we got better with practice.)
 

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Sorry about your medical issue. I guess there is no advice to give because we can't feel your pain level when you have intercourse.

Using a vibrator, starting small, and maybe working your way up to the size of his penis may help you get used to having sex with him. That sounds like you are on the right track.

Oral sex is always an option but I do not think it will replace your need to have a satisfying sex life.
 

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Fern - Tensing up suggests a fear (phobic) reaction.

Since you can't get to a therapist to dig out what's at the root of it, you'll have to go it alone. Chances are,, they'd suggest the following, or something like it anyway.

You've probably seen people on TV cured of fears of snakes, spiders, heights etc, by what's called 'exposure therapy'.

You can do that. You ARE doing it,,, you just need to do it with a little more focussed direction.

First,, always have your 'anxiety scale' in the background. 0 = No problem/fun. 10 = Terrifying.

Do 'stuff' - pick anything from the previous posts - that you feel comfortable with.

Chances are,, you feel anxious,, like a 2 or a 3,, before you even begin,, cuz you know that eventually you'll get to the freak-out zone. Well, not any more.

Don't force the penetration - practice relaxing.

Get into bed. Apprehensive, anxiety level 2. Kissing. No problem, still 2. Having him rub your tits, still 2. Stroking your thighs,, uh oh,, jumping to 4.

You see how this goes. You progress with what's comfortable,,, when it approaches uncomfortable and you're approaching panic territory,, stop or stay there,, don't push it cuz that reinforces the phobia. Tells you that there's no fixing it.

Once you practice and get confident with stopping,,, you'll get into bed and get the foreplay done with NO anxiety,, so you start from a better head place.

Understanding the process - and having an understanding hubby - will help you.

Just go as far as you're comfortable with,, and stop short of the panic zone,, 5 or 6.

It'll be frustrating to begin with,, but better a planned frustration that makes progress than flailing around and triggering the panic that causes you to tense up.

If you've progressed to lubed up vibrators, great. At least you know you can physically accommodate but,, just cuz you got that sucker in there doesn't mean it has to stay if you're tensing around it and getting sore. Again,, if your comfortable for a minute then get anxious,, pull it out.

Essentially - you practise APPROACHING what terrifies you and backing off when the pre-terror kicks in. By doing so,, you don't reinforce the phobic reaction and instead learn to relax.

You have to figure out where the trigger point on your scale is and practise not messing with that boundary.

Presumably,, hubby is making do with HJs and/or BJs anyway. He won't mind that when he sees progress being made.

Stick within your comfort zone and it'll get more comfortable. Pushing it will get you nowhere.
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Fern♥;12097873 said:
...Due to a an auto immune disease I had excruciating pain during intercourse. I'm diagnosed and better now, but 18 months after our wedding day, we have not been able to have enjoyable sex. I tense up so badly that he can't get in. What can I/we do? Just want to have fun and loving sex...
Also, no sex means no baby....
Fern♥;12097937 said:
There are only 1 sex therapist in a 200km radius, they are however quite expensive and I recently got retrenched...been a difficult few months... My ginocologyst prescribed a numbing gel, which I have not found useful. We bought a vibrator recently so that he can put it in very slowly and with a lot of lubricant. It worked, but was very uncomfortable and sore. How long will it take to feel normal?
Will try oral
First off, talk to your Gynecologist and ask about vaginal dialators. If you have health insurance, see if he can give you a perscription for a set.
Vaginal : Current Medical Technologies, Specializing in products and services for the treatment of pelvic muscle rehabilitation, pelvic pain and incontinence

Second, the advice you got on exposure therapy was great. Figure out how to relax, while you dialate (stretch) your vagaina or learn how to relax it. Another approach is self-hypnosis with affirmations and visualization of what you desire. Tell youself that you enjoy sex with your husband, that you relax and lovingly accept him into your vagaina, that his penis makes your whole body melt and relax as he takes you. Tell yourself how wonderful it feels to have him inside your and be physcially and emotionally connected to him. Visualize this as you say it and work on relaxing.

Third, babies can be created without PIV sex, all you need is your husband's sperm to get to the right place. There are lots of U-Tube video's on how to get pregnant that can teach you how to insert his sperm in very creative ways, from Diva cups to injection of his sperm into the cervix.

Fourth, there is a lot more to sex than PIV. In fact there are all kinds of things one can do other than PIV. Learn how to do oral really well and enthusiastically and you will be a gift for all time to your husband. Sex should be playful and exploratory. There are even branches of "kink" that are devoted to non-sexual sex-play, tease/denial, chastity, foot fetish. There are also forms of sex other than PIV, such as, oral, male prostate massage, anal, mutual masturbation, oiled body gliding, etc. Now is a good time for you and your H to talk candidly about what alternate forms of "sex" the two of you may enjoy, while you are working on getting ready for traditional sex. Since you say you were a tease, you should be good at many of these.

You might want to read up on how couples where the husband is impotent have meaningful intimate sex. A lot of men become impotent due to prostate surgery, so you might want to check out what is recommended for those couples or talk to your Gynecologist and ask if he can give you a referal.

Fifth, while a sex therapist may seem expensive, you might be surprised at how quickly they can give you exercises and things to do that will get you and your H back into having some form of meaningful sexual intimacy. If you really have a money problem and tell them, some will have a sliding scale that they will charge.

Good luck.
 

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Please tell what the clinical term for your issue is.

My wife was diagnosed with vulvadynia (not sure if I spelled that right) after many years of marriage. Because I was her first and only sex partner, she just thought it was par for the course....sex wasn't comfortable and when I suggested that she see a doctor but responded with "no, I don't need to see a doctor" I just proceeded as usual with my hard **** inside her. Sometimes it was good, other times she would ask me to hurry up because it was hurting, most of the time it was "uncomfortable" when I entered the first time but it became "manageable" during. I could give her an orgasm during sex without direct clitoral stimulation so it seemed like everything was just ok, not great, but just ok. Well, now that she was diagnosed, PIV is off the table until she sees the specialist (not sure what they will do to treat).

Anyway, not sure how you are going to treat the issue, but it wasn't until over 15 years into our marriage that we found a sex counselor that actually looked at the biological/hormoneal issues with sex. Don't wait around for it to go away, spend the big bucks and figure it out - sex should not hurt at all (from what I am told!) and you don't want it to impact your marriage like it did ours.

Also - there is a male toy called fleshlight that you can use on him that might make things more enjoyable since he can't have PIV with you - I would highly suggest you show support for him by buying one and being enthusiastic with it. It is quite an ego crusher for a man to not be able to be fully sexual with his woman....if he were single he'd just move on, but a faithful married man just has to suck it up (and it does suck!).

Good luck to you, prayers going your way. Also - the person who mentioned the phobia thing is very helpful, because if you had pain before then you will remember it even after your pain is fixed and it will be hard to overcome at first.
 
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