I am new to the site. Would welcome any advice or reaction.
Its been 80 days since I confronted my wife of 17 years over her affair with a high school chum from 30 years ago. She admitted to it (over 1,000 texts at all times of the day and 4 day long encounters in July and August); said she loves him (they are "soulmates"); she is not sure she can cut if off with him (she goes two weeks off, and then gets back on....); and that she doesn't know if she wants to remain married to me.
Despite the advice of friends who told me I am crazy, I have tried to display patient love since then, although I recently told her that I can no longer tolerate her communicating with her affair partner in any way. She saw him 2 weeks ago at her high school reunion, and lied to me about seeing him 3 nights in a row at the reunion and then exchanging Facebook notes on a daily basis since. We have two beatiful childern, ages 16 and 11 for whom she has been a good mother. She seems willing to throw it all away for this guy.
While I sense she hates herself at this point and sufferes from low self-esteem, she recently started therapy (after the reunion, perhaps knowing that a therapist would have said it would be toxic to go to the reunion), and claims she has terrible grudges against me that she is not sure she can ever get past. The therapy seems to be bringing out even more hostility - her "best defense" about her affair is a "good offence" to blame me.
She has yet to say "I am sorry," and she says the affair was fully justified because of me. I am waiting for the day when I come home from work and she tells me she is getting a grip on her issues, and that she is willing to engage in a sincere effort to address her problems/our problems. I am scared that day will never come.
Due to our kids, I resolved to wait this out at least 6 months and then to re-evaluate where things stand at that point (in February of 2013). My daily challenge is patience and heartache. She treats me so horribly, and time is moving so slowly. I realize that I am 50% responsible for our marital issues, but she is 100% responsible for her choice to engage in the affair. My nightmare is that I will be unable to get by what she has done and that I will have to divorce her because she is in denial about her problems.
Anyone out there have suggestions for coping? Etc.?
Its been 80 days since I confronted my wife of 17 years over her affair with a high school chum from 30 years ago. She admitted to it (over 1,000 texts at all times of the day and 4 day long encounters in July and August); said she loves him (they are "soulmates"); she is not sure she can cut if off with him (she goes two weeks off, and then gets back on....); and that she doesn't know if she wants to remain married to me.
Despite the advice of friends who told me I am crazy, I have tried to display patient love since then, although I recently told her that I can no longer tolerate her communicating with her affair partner in any way. She saw him 2 weeks ago at her high school reunion, and lied to me about seeing him 3 nights in a row at the reunion and then exchanging Facebook notes on a daily basis since. We have two beatiful childern, ages 16 and 11 for whom she has been a good mother. She seems willing to throw it all away for this guy.
While I sense she hates herself at this point and sufferes from low self-esteem, she recently started therapy (after the reunion, perhaps knowing that a therapist would have said it would be toxic to go to the reunion), and claims she has terrible grudges against me that she is not sure she can ever get past. The therapy seems to be bringing out even more hostility - her "best defense" about her affair is a "good offence" to blame me.
She has yet to say "I am sorry," and she says the affair was fully justified because of me. I am waiting for the day when I come home from work and she tells me she is getting a grip on her issues, and that she is willing to engage in a sincere effort to address her problems/our problems. I am scared that day will never come.
Due to our kids, I resolved to wait this out at least 6 months and then to re-evaluate where things stand at that point (in February of 2013). My daily challenge is patience and heartache. She treats me so horribly, and time is moving so slowly. I realize that I am 50% responsible for our marital issues, but she is 100% responsible for her choice to engage in the affair. My nightmare is that I will be unable to get by what she has done and that I will have to divorce her because she is in denial about her problems.
Anyone out there have suggestions for coping? Etc.?