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I am new to the site. Would welcome any advice or reaction.


Its been 80 days since I confronted my wife of 17 years over her affair with a high school chum from 30 years ago. She admitted to it (over 1,000 texts at all times of the day and 4 day long encounters in July and August); said she loves him (they are "soulmates"); she is not sure she can cut if off with him (she goes two weeks off, and then gets back on....); and that she doesn't know if she wants to remain married to me.


Despite the advice of friends who told me I am crazy, I have tried to display patient love since then, although I recently told her that I can no longer tolerate her communicating with her affair partner in any way. She saw him 2 weeks ago at her high school reunion, and lied to me about seeing him 3 nights in a row at the reunion and then exchanging Facebook notes on a daily basis since. We have two beatiful childern, ages 16 and 11 for whom she has been a good mother. She seems willing to throw it all away for this guy.


While I sense she hates herself at this point and sufferes from low self-esteem, she recently started therapy (after the reunion, perhaps knowing that a therapist would have said it would be toxic to go to the reunion), and claims she has terrible grudges against me that she is not sure she can ever get past. The therapy seems to be bringing out even more hostility - her "best defense" about her affair is a "good offence" to blame me.


She has yet to say "I am sorry," and she says the affair was fully justified because of me. I am waiting for the day when I come home from work and she tells me she is getting a grip on her issues, and that she is willing to engage in a sincere effort to address her problems/our problems. I am scared that day will never come.


Due to our kids, I resolved to wait this out at least 6 months and then to re-evaluate where things stand at that point (in February of 2013). My daily challenge is patience and heartache. She treats me so horribly, and time is moving so slowly. I realize that I am 50% responsible for our marital issues, but she is 100% responsible for her choice to engage in the affair. My nightmare is that I will be unable to get by what she has done and that I will have to divorce her because she is in denial about her problems.


Anyone out there have suggestions for coping? Etc.?
 

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First advice, don't fear your wife or divorce. Things happen in life for a reason and learning to accept that all outcomes are possible is something you need to get into your head.

Second, you won't be going anywhere if you plead beg or come across as an individual that would compromise your self respect.

So do the 180..

Someone's bound to post the link.
 

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Yikes! I am sorry you had to find us, but glad you did.

Your wife is, sadly, not unique.

Affairs with former high school sweethearts are very common.

Your wife's reactions are also very common.

She is following what is known as the cheater's script.

Has she said any of the following?:-

She loves you, but she's no longer in love with you, you were too clingy/needy/she needs space to sort her head out, etc., etc?

Who knows about her affair? Does her high school sweetheart's wife know? Can you tell her?
 

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Ask her to leave and contact OM and tell him to come and get her, before you take all her crap over to his place.

You have spen 80 days with this back and forth bull crap, its time to say no more.

I understand you love your wife, I love mine to but not once was I going to tolorate her on the fence crap. Life is to short!


I have a feeling the OM has some one else hence the wishy washy crap your wife is going thru. The OM tells your wife he wants her but now is not a good time....right? Find out what you can about this guy and if he's marred or has a GF expose him.

Exposing the affair is your best shot on shutting it down.

The best why to get OM out of the picture is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue.

The second best way to shut down the affair is by letting them have each other, make it so they are with each other day and night. Soon this little exciting fantasy won't be so fun anymore when reality shines a light on it.
 

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I am new to the site. Would welcome any advice or reaction.

Its been 80 days since I confronted my wife of 17 years over her affair with a high school chum from 30 years ago. She admitted to it (over 1,000 texts at all times of the day and 4 day long encounters in July and August); said she loves him (they are "soulmates"); she is not sure she can cut if off with him (she goes two weeks off, and then gets back on....); and that she doesn't know if she wants to remain married to me.

Despite the advice of friends who told me I am crazy, I have tried to display patient love since then, although I recently told her that I can no longer tolerate her communicating with her affair partner in any way. She saw him 2 weeks ago at her high school reunion, and lied to me about seeing him 3 nights in a row at the reunion and then exchanging Facebook notes on a daily basis since. We have two beatiful childern, ages 16 and 11 for whom she has been a good mother. She seems willing to throw it all away for this guy.

While I sense she hates herself at this point and sufferes from low self-esteem, she recently started therapy (after the reunion, perhaps knowing that a therapist would have said it would be toxic to go to the reunion), and claims she has terrible grudges against me that she is not sure she can ever get past. The therapy seems to be bringing out even more hostility - her "best defense" about her affair is a "good offence" to blame me.

She has yet to say "I am sorry," and she says the affair was fully justified because of me. I am waiting for the day when I come home from work and she tells me she is getting a grip on her issues, and that she is willing to engage in a sincere effort to address her problems/our problems. I am scared that day will never come.

Due to our kids, I resolved to wait this out at least 6 months and then to re-evaluate where things stand at that point (in February of 2013). My daily challenge is patience and heartache. She treats me so horribly, and time is moving so slowly. I realize that I am 50% responsible for our marital issues, but she is 100% responsible for her choice to engage in the affair. My nightmare is that I will be unable to get by what she has done and that I will have to divorce her because she is in denial about her problems.

Anyone out there have suggestions for coping? Etc.?
You have a terrible plan. You can wait until hell freezes over and it still won't be enough time for your wife to decide to stay with you. The only way you are going to save your marriage is to end the affair. That is the first step and no guarantee that you can save your marriage.

Your wife is "in love" with the other man, which means she is infatuated, gets butterflies in the stomach, like a teenager with a crush. Her "affair" with the other man is pure fantasy-land; none of the harsh realities of life intrudes. In her affair with him, she does not have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, do laundry, cook, clean, taxi the kids around, or deal with any of life's unpleasantness. With him, there is only I love you's, sex, and talk of living in a perfect fantasy world together. Of course, no such perfect fantasy world awaits your wife, and somewhere deep down she knows that, but a big part of her wants to believe in that fantasy, just like you want to believe that she will come to her senses on her own. She won't.

Right now, she likes the fact that she can still have her other man knowing you will be there as a backup in case it falls through. She is sitting on the fence eating cake.

There is a reason she hasn't left you for him - what is it? He is not ready to take her in? She can't support herself? She would take a major hit to the lifestyle you provide? Other man hasn't asked her to leave you for him yet? Other man has a wife/family and is stringing your wife along, saying he'll leave them for you and he hasn't yet?

If she is in love with him and they are soulmates and she has terrible grudges against you, why hasn't she left you for him yet?

My advice is to stop being so passive and fight for your wife and family and marriage. Break up the affair. Expose the affair to the other man's wife and family and friends. Expose the affair to you and your wife's family and friends. Let them know the other man's name and ask for their support in saving your family and your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it.

Next, force the issue with your wife. Tell her you're done waiting for her to "choose you." How humiliating! You're her husband; she took vows with you; if she doesn't want you, pack up her stuff, load up the car, and offer to drop her off at the other man's house. Tell her you love her and want to improve yourself and want to improve your marriage, but there's no way you're going to be anyone's backup plan. Either she commits to you and the marriage or she can get the heck out and go live with the other man. Wish her all the happiness in the world. Then call the other man and tell him you've got his soulmate all packed up and ready to go, you'll be over in a few to drop her off with all her baggage.

If your wife does choose to commit to the marriage, she agrees to give up all contact with the other man now and forever, handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, and give you complete transparency of all her communication devices and accounts. If she can't agree to this, proceed as stated above and file for divorce.

Divorce is a long process. You can always stop it if your wife comes to her senses. If not, you save yourself months and months of pain and unhappiness, which ends in a bad result anyway.

If your wife does not want to meet your conditions and work on the marriage, start moving on with your life. Stop engaging with her as your wife, and start engaging with her as your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Be pleasant, but not romantic. Talk to her only as needed to discuss the divorce settlement, finances, and issues related to the kids. If you are financing her affair in any way, stop. Provide housing, clothing, food - but you don't have to pay for any means she uses to cheat on you.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You cannot "nice" your wife out of her affair. Your plan is terrible and the only way it will work is if the other man loses interest or gets run over by a train.

I understand not wanting to hurt the kids. But if you stick with your plan, they are going to get hurt, and they are going to live with it and suffer with you for a lot longer than if you force the issue. No matter what happens, always let the kids know that it is between you and your wife, that they have nothing to do with it, that both you and your wife always will love them and that no matter what happens they will be loved, looked after, and cared for, and they will be OK.

Allowing your wife to cheat on you while she stays in the house married to you is not normal. Either she divorces you and moves out or she gives up the affair.

Exactly what grudges does your wife hold against you that she feels justifies her affair? And why are you willing to put up with her cheating on you right under your nose?
 

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I think the OM is married & you are Plan B. Tell his wife that they are having an affair. She deserves to know & she may be able to end the affair faster than your 6-month timeline.

If my husband was having an affair with your wife, I would want to know asap.

Most married OM's don't want to divorce their wives, upset the family life, split assets 50/50 & pay alimony especially to long-term wives that don't work.

Good luck.
 

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Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script

she doesn't know if she wants to remain married to me.
Tell her she's free to choose: remain married or continued with OM but what she can't to is to have both. Tell her you love her. To pieces. But you respect yourself more. Tell her there's something worse than divorce as horrible it is and it's to share her. You can stomach to lose her but you can't share her. Period. If you don't agree with the above then embrace the cuckold lifestyle and don't forget to make your periodic STD test.

She doesn't need time or space to decide. She knows who OM is, she knows you. She has to decide NOW. She has to risk.
- If she decide OM then let's put the ball rolling. Now. Time to lawyer up, to detach from her (read about the 180).
-If she decide to give the marriage a chance then:
She send OM a NC email, aproved by you (ask us for templates).
She become an open book, you you start regaining a limited trust. She has to deliver hes passwords, she becomes accountable of her whereabouts. (You still snoop on her back, keyloggers, VARs, spyware for the phone, GPS. They rarely stop this at the first time).
She disclose the whole affair to your satisfaction.
Add whatever reasonable demand you need, such a IC, MC, etc.
-If she reamains undecided about the marriage but agrees to end the affair then you still demands NC and transparence. Embrace the 180 and prepare for the worse (snooping).
- If she remains undecided but rejects ending the affair (cake eating), alleging to be confused and need time/space to decided then you file for divorce, expose the whole thing and detach emotionally.
 

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Of course if OM is married expose him to his BW, friends, priest, bosses, the whole world. Then wait for the sh1t hit the fun with a huge amount of popcorn.
 

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One thing you can do is research and dig up as much as you can find out about the OM so that she will stop looking at him as the nice guy. I am a former WW. I am repulsed now by the real OM that he really is. It was all a fantasy and I almost lost my husband who is the best husband in the world. My kids hated me, almost lost them too. I only saw all of my hubby's faults at the time and I was so wrong. Both of us have made c,hanges to make our marriage better but I regret my behavior so much. I would definately do the 180.
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Has NC been established...She has got to stop seeing the OM, which BTW is probably married or she would be with him I assume.

I have to ask, why does she have a grudge against you?

You will not get anywhere until she stops seeing the OM. She is addicted to him like a drug. That's why it's all your fault, you are trying to take her drug away. Keep it up, she cannot keep seeing this man.

Also, you said It's been 80 days..NO, she just saw him 2weeks ago so it's been 2 weeks. Every contact with him is like starting the counter over again.

Find out who he is and if he's married then tell his wife.
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This may sound harsh but I would tell her if she talks to him she needs to leave the home..my husband kicked me out and after that I got my head back on straight..This is only my opinion
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As a betrayed it was very risky of me to make this statement..asking my fWW to leave, but in the same breath its also just as risky for the waywards to call the bluff and leave. Would you agree?

The consequences are across the board for both parties, but its the betrayed that wins out by letting go. Even if the wayward refusses to leave, the wayward now knows that the betrayed is done with excepting the waywards crap.

Very enlitghtening for the waywrard....would you also agree?
 

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@CSS its not being harsh and its not over the top at all. Its the 2x4 that is needed to replace the fantasy with reality.....wouldn't you agree?????
I do and as I said, it's the best thing he did (kicking me out) I had a choice. Stop talking to him or leave...I was so outa my mind I immediately left with nothing. Went to my sisters. Did not see the OM during this time. He wanted to see me but I really felt like I needed to just figure things out so the immature OM got mad and refused to talk to me. I was about to go to the mental hospital a few days later..had a horrible panic attack and then my husband texted me. He had a feeling something really bad was wrong with me. He took care of me..it's like God intervened..God said "oh no you don't, you two belong together" We have been reconciled for 9 months since. My husband needs to come here and give the OP some pointers on finding out who this guy really is. He found out all kinds of bad crap about the OM I thought was so great.
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Discussion Starter #17
Thanks to each of you. Everyone raised good points.

Some clarification. The OM is divorced and does not have custody of his two young kids. I suspect he is dating other women while carrying on his thing with my wife.

She "agreed" to NC of her own volition, but then has lied to me and is breaching it. I have no proof they have a physical relationship but it may be going on.

If I file for divorce, I hate moving out of my house and away from my kids. Staying in the house while the divorce is on-going sounds like a disaster too.

However, the point I am hearing is that unless and until my wife fears or suffers the consequences of how dramatically our life will change in a divorce, she has no reason to cut offf the OM and start addressing our marriage.

What about the notion that once a separation occurs, we are done?

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and help. Much appreciated.
 

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^ In your case a separation would be meaningless. In fact it would make things worse, cause then she could conduct her affair with her OMs more easily.

You need some finality so she sees this isn't something she can blow off with sex or just ignore.

You need divorce. Not to say you're thinking about it but filed.

Also you are overthinking things

Kick her out, its that simple.
 

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Thanks to each of you. Everyone raised good points.

Some clarification. The OM is divorced and does not have custody of his two young kids. I suspect he is dating other women while carrying on his thing with my wife.

She "agreed" to NC of her own volition, but then has lied to me and is breaching it. I have no proof they have a physical relationship but it may be going on.

If I file for divorce, I hate moving out of my house and away from my kids. Staying in the house while the divorce is on-going sounds like a disaster too.

However, the point I am hearing is that unless and until my wife fears or suffers the consequences of how dramatically our life will change in a divorce, she has no reason to cut offf the OM and start addressing our marriage.

What about the notion that once a separation occurs, we are done?

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and help. Much appreciated.
Put her clothes in garbage bags tell her you are taking her to oms house because you are kicking her out!
 

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She's lied to you. Been unfaithful to you. Blames you. Refuses to say she's sorry (your words), holds grudges against you. That's the short list.

She spent 3 "platonic" days w her divorced old flame. Yet you claim she's a 'good mother' - (the only good thing about her so far).

So she's not a good wife that's a FACT.

As for being a 'good mother'. My child's mother does not disrespect her child's father. She doesn't spend days away from our child. She doesn't spend hours texting old boyfriends - she spends time with our child! Rethink your concept of motherhood.

So far she's disrespected the most important people in her life - but then again, maybe your family is not that important to her at this point. Time will not 'snap' her out of it. Only your decisive and swift actions will.
 
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