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Wow, there is a lot here. As you say, you both bring quite a bit of baggage and very difficult history to the relationship. Behaviour patterns are not easy to change. It takes a willingness to think about and understand why we do what we do. Then it takes a willingness to be mindful and catch ourselves as we start down those familiar paths. Counseling can help if she's willing to do it. Otherwise I would say don't get married without getting to a point where you can have honest, respectful communication that both of you then act on. Best of luck. I'm sure you will have more helpful input.
 
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