[JustSomeGuyWho]

I was going to respond but I forget what the discussion is about.

 

[anchorwatch]

I call bullshît on your wife. She's lazy and it's not important to her.

So here's my question to you, what is your need in all this? Monetary? Time? Peace of mind? Why is this important to you?

Now address it that way. "Babe, I don't think you realize how disruptive it is when you loose your stuff. I need you to take better care not to loose it". Then quit phucking helping her in any way with it.

Then when inevitably she does loose something pay no attention to her! Your statement seems to gloss over the fact that you end up helping her anyway. Well, she relies in you for this. She's even told you, it's your problem not mine.

If she calls you on it tell her "well, I asked you not to loose your stuff and you did. My needs must not be important, so I'll leave you on your own on this one." And walk away.

Bad behavior is enabled. Stop enabling.

Err, yeah. I don't think so. Let her get herself checked out. Then decide how to move on this problem. ADD and other types of attention problem partners are different, and there is more work involved in these relationships for both parties.

 

[WolverineFan]

but the other stuff, like forgetting stories, people and details just cant be overlooked.

I am trying to figure out what you mean by the above statement? Do you want to give an ultimatum? If she doesn't get better...what? I don't always remember stories, people, and details either. I just don't understand what you think she is supposed to do. Try harder?

 

[AliceA]

I don't agree with those who encourage alienating your wife over this matter. Think of it like a disability. If she had a limp, would you tell her that unless she walked without the limp she was on her own? What sort of person does that make you?

There are many great suggestions here. Barring health problems, one thing that I think may be contributing to your wife's problem is no consistency, no set routine. You are both always moving around, in different places all the time. She may be struggling to form some routine that would help her remember things.

 

[U.E. McGill]

I don't agree with those who encourage alienating your wife over this matter. Think of it like a disability. If she had a limp, would you tell her that unless she walked without the limp she was on her own? What sort of person does that make you?



There are many great suggestions here. Barring health problems, one thing that I think may be contributing to your wife's problem is no consistency, no set routine. You are both always moving around, in different places all the time. She may be struggling to form some routine that would help her remember things.

I'm a behaviorist at heart. I know I come off as harsh but there's a reason.

There's behavioral psychology that supports me too. You ever noticed in a house that "mom" takes care of the calendar but dad is the "TV" guru. Meanwhile the 13 year old boy can fix the iPhone in a heart beat and the youngest daughter always knows where everything is? But none of these members take in the other role? Because we all cede to others in the house what they're better at.

In his wife's case she make no effort because those around her have always done for her.

To me, I'm neutral about it. That's why I asked the OP what his need was. I live with some of these things with my wife. God forbid she learn how to light the grill.

Conversely if my wife had to ride one of those scooters because she got too fat to walk, hell yeah I wouldn't tolerate it. There's medical and real medical reasons.

 

[john117]

A lot of it is behavioral, but being paranoid I would at least do some DIY memory tests and follow up if performance is iffy.

 

[KathyBatesel]

I'm a behaviorist at heart. I know I come off as harsh but there's a reason.

There's behavioral psychology that supports me too. You ever noticed in a house that "mom" takes care of the calendar but dad is the "TV" guru. Meanwhile the 13 year old boy can fix the iPhone in a heart beat and the youngest daughter always knows where everything is? But none of these members take in the other role? Because we all cede to others in the house what they're better at.

In his wife's case she make no effort because those around her have always done for her.

To me, I'm neutral about it. That's why I asked the OP what his need was. I live with some of these things with my wife. God forbid she learn how to light the grill.

Conversely if my wife had to ride one of those scooters because she got too fat to walk, hell yeah I wouldn't tolerate it. There's medical and real medical reasons.

Sounds pretty logical. And perhaps there's truth to your approach. I was a behavioral science specialist before I became a D&A counselor in the Army so I have a pretty good idea about behavioral approaches. At one time I believed much as you do.

Unfortunately, though, people are far more complex than that. So if you approach this as a simple, "She's lazy" it will produce a tremendous amount of strain and resentment in the relationship. I truly hope the OP doesn't go there.

 

[U.E. McGill]

Sounds pretty logical. And perhaps there's truth to your approach. I was a behavioral science specialist before I became a D&A counselor in the Army so I have a pretty good idea about behavioral approaches. At one time I believed much as you do.



Unfortunately, though, people are far more complex than that. So if you approach this as a simple, "She's lazy" it will produce a tremendous amount of strain and resentment in the relationship. I truly hope the OP doesn't go there.

Here's the rub, IT ALREADY HAS!!!! He's on an internet board complaining about it.

All these other ideas are just variations on the same theme, enabling. I'm telling the OP to change HIS ways.

 

[Jadiel]

I swear you're talking about my wife. Mainly, the morning routine is such a clusterf*ck and a lot of it is because of her lack of drive. I do my best to help. I pretty much get the kids up and ready, and she does their hair cuz I suck at hair. And I try to get her stuff rounded up, but every goddamn morning its something new, and they're supposd to be out of the house by 7:30 in order for everyone to be on time, and its usually 8:00 or so when they finally get going.

A lot of it is her losing some key thing. She lost her phone. can't find her hat. Where are her shoes!?!? Because she enjoys doing stuff like putting her hat under the pillow in the kids room or keeping her wallet in someplace other than her purse.

Other times she flat out forgets its time to get ready. I'm like "Honey, its 7:45, you haven't even gotten in the shower yet. Why the hell are you on facebook!?!??"

 

[Jadiel]

I should add that it doesnt help, as a forgetful person myself sometimes, when people are constantly pissed at you because you are forgetful. You're trying to focus, and you're like "Keys. Hair. Socks. Shoes." trying to remember ****, but then on top of that, its "Don't piss other people off!"

 

[anchorwatch]

McGill, He's on the board looking for positive stories in such a situation as theirs. There are helpful behaviors that can be practiced and learned, and they do involve their partners not enabling, but with an understanding of how to help. The partner must be involved and just can't say it's your problem not mine, if they wish to be in this relationship too. Stating she's lazy is is more hurtful and will only cause resentment. This is more of the same thinking left over from the time when schools forced left handed students to only use their right hand to write.

OP, We don't know why she is so forgetful, that has to be determined by professionals, but take a look at this link is has some constructive ideas...ADHD and Marriage | by Melissa Orlov & Dr. Ned Hallowell, Learning to thrive in your relationship

And to answer you question 'has anyone had success', yes my M was a success story.

Best, Anchor

 

[Rowan]

Framing problems in the marriage in such a way as to create an adversarial relationship between partners is almost never helpful, particularly as a first-line approach. It might be best to think of this issue as a problem that you and your wife need to find a solution for. Make it an "us versus the issue" thing rather than a "me versus her" thing.

And the first step in that is not to decide that she's just a lazy slacker who needs to fix herself for you. While that may even be the case - though I'm betting it's actually not - that approach is the least likely to build more love in your marriage.

 

[U.E. McGill]

Framing problems in the marriage in such a way as to create an adversarial relationship between partners is almost never helpful, particularly as a first-line approach. It might be best to think of this issue as a problem that you and your wife need to find a solution for. Make it an "us versus the issue" thing rather than a "me versus her" thing.



And the first step in that is not to decide that she's just a lazy slacker who needs to fix herself for you. While that may even be the case - though I'm betting it's actually not - that approach is the least likely to build more love in your marriage.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

She's already told him "get used to it...." To me that sets the bar that she doesn't think it's a problem. That's why I asked what he needs. Pretty adversarial if you ask me.

He's stated they've spent countless hours looking or replacing her lost crap. Lots of love in the relationship.

I learned my lesson early in my dating life. Dated a girl who had ZERO time management skills. She told me "I'm a scatter brain, that's just how I am!" Id make plans for a nice restaurant, go to pick her up and she's be no where near ready. One time she want even home! I sat her down and told her "I don't care if we're late when it's just casual but if we have a set time I'd like to be there on time". Workable compromise.

I had a couple of good friends all organize a really nice dinner, we hadn't seen each other in forever. I go to pick her up, once again she's no where near ready. So when it was time to leave, I did. I told her if she still wanted to come, I'd see her there. We had a big fight after. But I stood my ground "it says I'm not important when you blow off these things".

She was never late again.

 

[PBear]

No offense, but your wife is right. She managed to survive just fine without you nagging her about losing stuff for the majority of her life. Why are you trying to change her now?

Quite frankly, you married her before you really knew her (IMHO), and you're still getting to know who she really is. Changing an adult to behave differently than they've behaved for most of their life is a difficult process at best, made impossible if they don't see where the problem is.

C
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[john117]

If forgetfulness interferes with daily tasks it needs to be looked into. I would rather be safe than sorry and I would also like to know what cognitive abilities and limitations are there, if any, and whether it's more of a lifestyle / attitude issue rather than anything else.

 

[NextTimeAround]

Forgetfulness can also cause security issues. Lsoing house keys; leaving them in the door; losing your purse or it becoming lost especially when it has keys and some indication of address......

I would not put up with this even if it was a medical problem. My personal safety is important to me and being with someone who does not uphold the steps necessary increase security is unacceptbale.

I guess with my own ax to grind here, how many here who want to give Ms. Forgetful the benefit of the doubt could not possibly -- in a million years -- be generous to a friend who was sometimes a little bit late..... but always showed up.

 

[GusPolinski]

Forgetfulness can also cause security issues. Lsoing house keys; leaving them in the door; losing your purse or it becoming lost especially when it has keys and some indication of address......

I would not put up with this even if it was a medical problem. My personal safety is important to me and being with someone who does not uphold the steps necessary increase security is unacceptbale.

I guess with my own ax to grind here, how many here who want to give Ms. Forgetful the benefit of the doubt could not possibly -- in a million years -- be generous to a friend who was sometimes a little bit late..... but always showed up.

LOL. I'm that friend. :smthumbup:

 

[AliceA]

Forgetfulness can also cause security issues. Lsoing house keys; leaving them in the door; losing your purse or it becoming lost especially when it has keys and some indication of address......

I would not put up with this even if it was a medical problem. My personal safety is important to me and being with someone who does not uphold the steps necessary increase security is unacceptbale.

I guess with my own ax to grind here, how many here who want to give Ms. Forgetful the benefit of the doubt could not possibly -- in a million years -- be generous to a friend who was sometimes a little bit late..... but always showed up.

Not really sure how giving the OP's wife the benefit of the doubt equates to being a person who wouldn't be generous with a friend who always shows up late...

 

[murphy5]

yeah that's just the way her brain works. Make sure she has a CHEAP phone!

There are methods (online, dvd training discs) on how to use tricks to improve your memory...maybe get her a memory training course and see if it helps. The technique is like you meet a new person, he tells you his name, its joe steel, and you envision a steel beam going across his forehead. Imagery stuff like that. for people with bad memories...it seems to help

my wife uses luminosity, and they have tests like you are a waitress, and 5 guys order a complex meal, and you are quizzed on what they ordered a minute later. It forces you to pay attention.

 

[NextTimeAround]

Not really sure how giving the OP's wife the benefit of the doubt equates to being a person who wouldn't be generous with a friend who always shows up late...

Would you sooner forgive someone who regularly forgets their wallet and then guilts you into covering for her /him

or are able to be sanguine about someone who seems to regularly show up to plans 10 to 20 minutes later than agreed (but don't miss anything anyway)