HELP! My wife's forgetfulness is driving me nuts!

5618 Views 61 Replies 23 Participants Last post by NextTimeAround, Jun 19, 2014

married2myBF

Discussion Starter · Jun 11, 2014

Hello. My wife and i are newlyweds going on 6 months, however we've been in eachother's company 24-7 since March 2013, traveling and working together on the road.

We are very much in love and i'm crazy about her. But since this is my second marriage, i'm trying my best to not let little things put a distance between us by allowing resentment to build, which i know, can kill a relationship.

She's the girl of my dreams in EVERY WAY, except, she's one of the most mindless people i've ever met. She's very smart, and has way more practical wisdom than me, but she's almost never present. This leads her to constantly forget things and lose things.

On almost a weekly basis, she leaves her phone somewhere. I'm writing this because, just an hour ago, she again left her phone behind while we were walking through a casino. Just last week, she left her phone in an airport restroom. Each time, she's been very lucky in that someone turns the lost item in and she recovers it, though not without the stress upon her and myself while we run around looking for the thing.

She tells me to get used to it, since before we met she tells me she had lost 10 phones, and 8 purses in 1 year!

It's not just personal items she forgets. I have to retell stories to her on a regular basis, reminding her of who certain people are, what they did, repeating myself again and again.

I totally understand her, being a scatter-brained artist myself. I used to be like that way back in college when i was working full time and attending college full time. I lost things and forgot things all the time back then.

However, our lives as traveling artists is relatively worry free. We're either driving, doing art, or exploring some wilderness somewhere.

I dont know what to do. I get stressed and usually give her a hard time for it. i've even resorted to telling her she's going to have to deal with the lost stuff herself without my help just so i dont enable the behavior, ( though i always to an extent lend her a hand, i do love her afterall ) but the other stuff, like forgetting stories, people and details just cant be overlooked.

Anyone have any experience with this that has had a positive outcome?

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EleGirl

· #2 · Jun 11, 2014

So find ways to address her issues...

For example purses with a long strap so she can wear them over the shoulder or across her chest.

Or a fanny pack. For years I used a fanny pack when I went places like the store so that I would not forget it. It's also very hard for someone to lift a fanny pack. Before you say that they are not stylish enough.. there are some very pretty, ones on the market.. even some that go with a ballroom gown.

For her phone....You can get phone sized purse like bags that she can wear around her neck. Some have room in them for credit crads, etc.. kinda like a wallet.

I would never, ever go into a place like a casino with a purse that I had to carry. They are way too easy to leave behind. Plus, casinos always have a few very good pick pocket types wandering around just waiting for a woman to put her bag down.

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NextTimeAround

· #3 · Jun 11, 2014

Was she this forgetful when you two were dating?

Ok, forgetfulness is not on par with cheating, but some remorsefulness is in order here. Cellphones aren't cheap and if someone uses it make a lot of phone calls, imagine the bills that you could be stuck with.

Also, I find forgetfulness can be a tool of passive aggression. Anyone who does not want to do something, oh well, they forgot.

My fiance tried twice some form of the "you didn't remind me enough" routine. We've gone over this enough, he won't want to forget.

AliceA

· #4 · Jun 11, 2014

I've had to deal with a partner who can't remember many things. He apparently used to have an excellent memory but was in a motorcycle accident which caused him to have fairly poor short term memory. It seems pretty selective though, and he remembers a great deal of stuff he'd learnt about before the accident, that's all still there.

Anyway, it's frustrating. There's a few things I've had to do in order to adjust over the years. Moving things once he's learnt where they go causes problems between us. Changing routines once he's gotten used to them causes problems. Everything has to be written down. He can't be sent to the shops to get two items without a list, he'll forget one of them. I constantly remind him of anything he has to do, I nearly have to stand over him to ensure it's done.

Anyway, the point is that while it's incredibly frustrating at the start, you learn to live with it. You adapt. After a while you don't really notice.

One thing I would do is make sure whatever phones/purses/sunnies she gets are the cheapest available, don't ever give her anything valuable to look after etc. I bought DH a pair of expensive sunglasses once, and only once. Now he gets cheap ones.

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Satya

· #5 · Jun 11, 2014

My last bf was very forgetful when it came to his phone or his apartment keys. At first it was sweet, then it started to interfere with us getting to events on time. I tried staying patient about it, but there's not much I could do to help if he forgot where he may have left them other than try to talk him through his last memories of having them.

Otherwise he was brilliant, just massively forgetful of things I would consider high on my own priority list.

Sometimes I forget stories and names if there's no reason to keep them in active memory or if there is no personal connection I can make to the person/story. Naturally, I'm a person who strives to remember small details for recall later. My boss on the other hand, barely remembers a meeting we held yesterday and the details therein. He's very skilled and experienced, but says he hired me because I have an ability to remember details about a client. His mental energies focus more on the immediate support he can provide, mediation, and future planning.

It takes all sorts. Is there something your wife excels at that you are a bit lacking? Maybe recognize this as well as be gentle about her forgetfulness.

Password protect and encrypt her phone in the meantime, if it isn't already.

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Rowan

· #6 · Jun 11, 2014

Has she ever been evaluated for ADHD? Some of the typical hallmarks of that in adult women are lack of focus, daydreaming, lack of organization, having a hard time staying on-task, and being easily bored. If she has ADHD, then behavior modifications will help, and she's probably been figuring out her own coping strategies for years. But if she's still struggling to this degree, she might also benefit from one of the myriad medications that are available to treat ADHD.

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DoF

· #7 · Jun 11, 2014

Sounds like she uses the phone WAY too much? Usually phone should be in the pocket or purse, but if she is on it all the time I'm sure she puts it down to use her hands for other things?

Cut down on phone usage?

GusPolinski

· #8 · Jun 11, 2014

This might seem like something from out of left field, but how certain are you that there isn't a neurological condition at the root of her forgetfulness?

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john117

· #9 · Jun 11, 2014

Well, adults should have better memory skills than that. How are her memory skills like remembering names, places, etc? There are assessments that help is understand short and long term memory performance.

There are also things that are square sized about an inch thick that you can stick on the phone to alert if you walk away from it.

KathyBatesel

· #10 · Jun 11, 2014

She could have a physical reason for this forgetfulness. Has she seen a doctor about it?

As a kid, I had a near photographic memory. I started noticing memory problems when I was about 28 y.o., but doctors shrug it off. It's a good thing I don't travel much, because I often misplace things, too. I forget my phone at home at least once or twice a week, and I need it with me at all times in order to do my job well. If I take my wallet or keys in my husband's car, there's a good chance I will not remember to bring them back into the house. He tells me stories all the time and I can't remember them because I have not met the people and they play NO ROLE in my life. Why *should* I remember them? If it were more important, I'd probably do a little better, but even then, I'm the kind of person who needs to have at least three conversations with someone and hear their name a few times before I can remember.

But you know what? IT IS NOT MY CHOICE!

If I could decide to have a better memory, I would. I've taken memory classes, and they work for short term, but not long term.

So if she is such a great girl for you, I would encourage you to STOP being judgmental and critical here, because *that* will do far more harm to your relationship than a dozen lost phones will.

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U.E. McGill

· #11 · Jun 11, 2014

I call bullshît on your wife. She's lazy and it's not important to her.

So here's my question to you, what is your need in all this? Monetary? Time? Peace of mind? Why is this important to you?

Now address it that way. "Babe, I don't think you realize how disruptive it is when you loose your stuff. I need you to take better care not to loose it". Then quit phucking helping her in any way with it.

Then when inevitably she does loose something pay no attention to her! Your statement seems to gloss over the fact that you end up helping her anyway. Well, she relies in you for this. She's even told you, it's your problem not mine.

If she calls you on it tell her "well, I asked you not to loose your stuff and you did. My needs must not be important, so I'll leave you on your own on this one." And walk away.

Bad behavior is enabled. Stop enabling.

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mablenc

· #12 · Jun 11, 2014

are you my husband???

As many have stated make sure there is no medical reason. There are also many technology gadgets that can help.

For example:

Tile

GusPolinski

· #13 · Jun 11, 2014

U.E. McGill said:
I call bullshît on your wife. She's lazy and it's not important to her.

So here's my question to you, what is your need in all this? Monetary? Time? Peace of mind? Why is this important to you?

Now address it that way. "Babe, I don't think you realize how disruptive it is when you loose your stuff. I need you to take better care not to loose it". Then quit phucking helping her in any way with it.

Then when inevitably she does loose something pay no attention to her! Your statement seems to gloss over the fact that you end up helping her anyway. Well, she relies in you for this. She's even told you, it's your problem not mine.

If she calls you on it tell her "well, I asked you not to loose your stuff and you did. My needs must not be important, so I'll leave you on your own on this one." And walk away.

Bad behavior is enabled. Stop enabling.

Uhhh... don't do any of ^this, at least not if you value your wife and marriage.

OP, get your wife to a doc. Seriously. My wife has always been forgetful, and it's gotten somewhat worse in the past few years. She's never been quite as bad as you describe your wife, but it's always been there. It always annoyed me, but I just figured that she was just naturally forgetful. Boy, was I wrong...

About 3 years ago, my wife went to our GP about some really nasty -- bordering on crippling -- headaches that she was having at the time. After some back and forth, trying different meds for relief, etc, she got a referral to see a local neurologist. For a while it was more of the same but she finally convinced the neuro to put in an order for an MRI. (This process, by the way, took months.)

BAM. Lesions on her brain. MS diagnosis. Referral to specialist for confirmation. Spinal tap. Another MRI. Confirmation from specialist.

All of a sudden, everything made sense. Man, did I feel like sh*t. I'd dismissed many of her symptoms for years, thinking that there wasn't really anything behind them. I could not have been more wrong.

OP, please... Get. Your. Wife. To. A. Doc.

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GusPolinski

· #14 · Jun 11, 2014

mablenc said:
are you my husband???

As many have stated make sure there is no medical reason. There are also many technology gadgets that can help.

For example:

Tile

Excellent suggestion! You can also try something like Lumosity.com. Mrs. Gus likes it.

KathyBatesel

· #15 · Jun 11, 2014

Ooh, I am buying that Tile product for myself and my clients!

mablenc

· #16 · Jun 11, 2014

KathyBatesel said:
Ooh, I am buying that Tile product for myself and my clients!

I know I'm buying one for my phone, wallet, keys, self, child....
Posted via Mobile Device

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U.E. McGill

· #17 · Jun 11, 2014

GusPolinski said:
Uhhh... don't do any of ^this, at least not if you value your wife and marriage.

OP, get your wife to a doc. Seriously. My wife has always been forgetful, and it's gotten somewhat worse in the past few years. She's never been quite as bad as you describe your wife, but it's always been there. It always annoyed me, but I just figured that she was just naturally forgetful. Boy, was I wrong...

About 3 years ago, my wife went to our GP about some really nasty -- bordering on crippling -- headaches that she was having at the time. After some back and forth, trying different meds for relief, etc, she got a referral to see a local neurologist. For a while it was more of the same but she finally convinced the neuro to put in an order for an MRI. (This process, by the way, took months.)

BAM. Lesions on her brain. MS diagnosis. Referral to specialist for confirmation. Spinal tap. Another MRI. Confirmation from specialist.

All of a sudden, everything made sense. Man, did I feel like sh*t. I'd dismissed many of her symptoms for years, thinking that there wasn't really anything behind them. I could not have been more wrong.

OP, please... Get. Your. Wife. To. A. Doc.

Thanks Gus. You support my method with this argument.

I have a close loved one with MS. The forgetfulness borders on Alzheimer's it's so bad.

Either way, if it's health or just plain lazy he needs to hold his wife accountable to his needs! Let her come back and tell him "well it's not health related"

Everybody always tries to "fix" people. Especially men. Knock it off I say. You can't and people are resentful of it.

Show her why it's important to you and let her fill that need. Then hold her accountable. It really is that simple.

Wolf1974

· #18 · Jun 11, 2014

Yikes that has to be stressful on you both. I have a friend like this. She forgets everything like your wife....keys, phones, purses. Watching her husband in action is impressive. He just runs down a list of where is xyz before they ever leave anywhere. Works for them I couldn't do it.

GusPolinski

· #19 · Jun 11, 2014

U.E. McGill said:
Let her come back and tell him "well it's not health related"

Fair enough, but she may not know that for herself. Best to play it safe and get her to an imaging center IMO.

john117

· #20 · Jun 11, 2014

Before you do that try some basic online memory tests online. Look up Miller's paper on magical number seven +/- two for short term memory.

Try to see if overall memory function is ok and you're just dealing with a super disorganized person

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