[steve101]

Hello I would like to ask for some help.

My Wife and I have been married 8 years now with 3 children.
7years, 3 years and 10 months.

We have looked after them solely with no help as family live in another part of the country. We run a Restaurant which my wife looks after in the evening while I look after the children. I work a few short shifts a week.

The last few months has been a bit rough. My Wife has started to do some fitness classes (3-4 times a week) that's fine but we were talking and she told me that she sees me as a good friend but the feeling towards me has changed and didn't want to have sex anymore. She told me she wants to still live together as a family but no Intimacy. We still sleep in the same bed together with my little one in between us. The other day she had taken her wedding ring off. I asked her why did you take it off and she told me nothing, this person and that person are married they don't wear rings. She could see I was upset so she put it back on and has kept it on. I don't know if it has built up after time that looking after 3 children and running a business has put allot of pressure on us. Also I think my Wife looks at me as a Husband that isn't very financially supportive. I work a few days a week and the pay is basic. I am 35 years old and still don't know what job I would like to do or even hold on to.
I tend to not stay in them for to long. So I have persisted with her and asked her many times as to what is wrong and what she is feeling. She told me nothing and cant we just live like the way we have been.When I try to ask her about sex she says she wants to be a Nun, serious she tells me. Its not an easy thing to come to grips with when your wife tells you that. So I have been persistent with her and managed to get some information from her. She told me she wants to be a Nun. My wife is from Thailand. She said when the children finish studying she will go and be a Nun. She said she wants peace and quiet. I asked what about me. She replied I know I am selfish but I am serious I want to be a Nun. I told her that I want our Marriage back to what it was and I am willing to go to counselling. She told me to go if I want but her feeling has changed.She said no one can change the feeling. I have tried and tried to get more information as I have been upset for weeks now. The other day she had left home to go and open up shop when I received a message on my phone saying I always love you and want to be with you forever. I ma so sorry to upset you. I got some dark side that you never know and I don't want to talk about it.Just do it for our kids please. 4 hours later she messaged me again saying I will talk to you tonight.
Then another message after that. Its time to face the truth for me. Hope you understand. OK so she came home and we sat down to talk. I basically sat there and wanted to listen to what she was going to say. She told me when she was young that someone had touched her. She was 6 years old, it happened again at 11 years old and then again at 18 years old. By 2 different people. She told me don't ask anything about it. I could see the tears from her and see that it wasn't easy to talk about. Ok my Wife told me this which I just sat there and listened to what she was saying. I told her that it wasn't her fault and thank you for telling me this information. I did suggest to her what about we go and see someone that we could talk to. She quickly said no! no! A few week later I had said to her not me but what if this was someone else and they really wanted to make love. My Wife's response was just go with someone then if they don't mind that your are still living with your wife and children. She told me if you do that don't tell me and don't tell the children.A couple of weeks have past and I really want to express my feelings and make love to the woman I love. I asked her and she said whats wrong with you. Then she said to me again that she wants to be a Nun. She wants to live a quiet life. When the children finish there study and she will go and be a nun. When I tried to ask her for intimacy she replied with she will start to be a Nun now. A week before this I managed to get some more information. She had told me that the last time we had sex that I touched her in a way that wasn't right. It must of reminded her of back when she was young.She said don’t talk about it. I told her I was sorry. She said you don't know you didn't do anything wrong.

Ok now I have given a bit of information but I am really lost as to what to do. I am thinking of going to see a counselor and explaining this to them. I dont know what to do next. Please could you help me in this Area. Any kind of help would be great. I love my Wife dearly and my children but I cannot stand back and do nothing. I would like our marriage to be more than just a best friend kind of relationship.

My Wife has just said to me today why don't you make me proud Improve yourself. I can understand why she thinks like this I have a job that pays very poor and only 20 hrs a week. She sees me as not a strong man to support the family. Especially when there are friends and people she knows that there husbands are working in the mines and earning very good money. She must feel embarrassed when people ask her what does your husband do.

Thank You Steve

Please Help!

 

[Acorn]

I read this three times and came to three different conclusions, but the main theme in all of them is that while she still cares for you on some level, she wants to be free of the marriage and is worried about you being able to fend for yourself or for your children.

I do not think she really wants to be married to you, I do not think she sees you as marriage material and she may or may not be getting ready to replace you with someone else. I think you should prepare yourself for this possibility.

I think your wife's advice to improve yourself is a good one. Find work, try to grow and mature. Regardless of what choices your wife makes, you will be better for it.

 

[urnotme]

Yes I think seeing a counselor would be a really good idea.

 

[This is me]

This sounds like a MLC. Red flags are someone looking for a drastic change in their life due to unhappiness. The spouse is usually blamed for the internal struggle.

Mine was certain she did not want to be married to me a year ago, now she loves me. She started doing things like exercising, which she had never done in 17 years of marriage, got braces on her teeth which were fine, looked into a breast change...all red flags.

The thing about the MLC is it comes and goes. If the damage is mitagated and patience given, there is hope for the marriage.

Read up on it. I wish you well!

 

[GPR]

You do need to improve yourself.

Forget about the sex thing right now. Her issues aside, she is not attracted to you in that way at this point. So stop the begging. It won't improve your chances. The whole nun thing, maybe she is really thinking that at this point. It could be it's just lip service and an excuse to not have sex with you. She maybe even is looking for someone else, or even found someone else (I would check into this). Not sure.

I'll be a bit harsh, but it sounds like you need to get your crap together a little bit here. She doesn't look at you like a man anymore. She came right out and said "Make me proud and improve yourself" When it comes to sexual attraction, most woman still want a manly man. She wants someone that can bring home the bacon, take charge, be a man.

How is your physical appearance, and has it changed since you have been married?

She made a point that she has an issue with your work and income generating. You don't have to bring home 6 figures, but getting a full time job and bring home a decent check would be a huge improvement.

She came right out and told you in so many words what the problem was. Improve yourself. Take that advice!!! Read through these posts. That's a big reason women end up leaving/cheating on their husbands, or at least end up giving the "I love you but not in love with you" speech. You are lucky in the fact that she came right out and said it. A lot of men don't get that lucky.